What A Gaucho You Are
The Amazing Race 7 : Episode 4


It's a plane! Previously, it was a long, long drive from Santiago to Mendoza through the Andes. The Lilith Sisters managed to become so hopelessly lost that they arrived at the now infamous Roadblock site some six hours or so behind the first team to arrive. The Robfather decided to quit the meat-eating Roadblock and take the four-hour penalty, only he managed to get the RADs and the Cannon Fodders to quit after him, thus ensuring that there would be two Teams behind him at the end of the day. But the Cannon Fodders were spared from a footrace with the RADs when Mom and Moan and the Lilith Sisters arrived and finished the Roadblock way too late. The Lilith Sisters were sent home, although they would always have memories of the Chilean coastline to ward off the bitterness.

Credits. Aw, Ryan and Chuck are so cute.

Philo, single-handedly trying to revive the Village People (or at least the cowboy guy in that group), steps out and explains that he is at Mendoza, which he describes as a "lush farm community" in Argentina. Philo doesn't say this but Mendoza is pretty much where most typical tourists stop at before they visit the Andes. That place is a tourist moneytrap. Philo wonders whether Mom and Moan will ever get out of their last place blues and whether the Robcouple's "unorthodox" (Philo has a way with understatements, I tell you) methods would alienate them from the other Teams. About that last question, I do wonder: what will the Robcouple actually get if they are friends forever with the other Teams? A group hug from the Fat Fatales? I'm all for unorthodoxy in this case.

3:49 am. The Fat Fatales leave. Their clue tells them to drive some twenty-five miles to the Cabana la Guatana, a horse ranch. Cut to a cozy room confessional where they remind me that they really want to beat the Robcouple because they hate the Robcouple so much. Alex crows that the Fat Fatales have a huge advantage over the Robcouple now. That's nice of him. I hope he doesn't kill himself when his lead goes up in smokes thanks to the hour of operation or a charter flight. Alex adds that his Team is going to keep their lead over the Robcouple. Call the men in white, somebody, because I think he has gone certifiably crazy. Hasn't he watched this show before? It is very hard to maintain a lead in the Race nowadays because there will always be a transportation bunch. Thank goodness that so far the designers' attempt at introducing artificial bunchings in this particular Race has been unsuccessful because of the Teams' screwy racing techniques that just won't conform to their attempt.

4:07 am. The IVFs are talking about having to find the strength to move foward while supporting each other. They can be talking about the Race, their life in general, or both. They are always so theatrical that way. Both they and the Fat Fatales are on the road now. The Fat Fatales are once more gloating about being hours ahead of the other Teams (although I think they are referring only to the quitters because the IVFs are just some fifteen minutes behind them). The IVFs try to get directions from an eatery that is open at the early hour and Uchenna compares asking for directions to giving birth. Since he is a guy and has clearly never popped out a brat before, I'll be nice and tell him that I'd rather ask for directions than to pop out a brat in the hospital. What is it with men and their exaggerated dislike of asking for directions anyway?

4:52 am. Dumber and Dumber are ready to go. They count the money that they receive for this leg of the Race ($45). The GOPs leave just one second or so behind Dumb and Dumber. GI Joe tells the camera as the GOPs get into their vehicle that the GOPs don't have any long-term alliance with other Teams because they can't trust other people. GI Joe nostalgically wishes for the Race to be more like the army, where apparently you can trust anybody there. If he says so. Hey, I have an idea. Since he loves being in the military so much, let's send him back to Iraq! Now that he had resigned from the army to dedicate himself to full-time mediahoing even before he joined the Race, I'm sure he must be regretting his decision. It is the least we can do to ship him back to Iraq where he can kick some terrorist ass! As for Dumb and Dumber, they have only one plan for this leg of the Race: not to make any mistakes. I think they must have overheard the RADs discussing this plan in the previous episode and adopted it as their own for this particular leg. Wait, is the taller one Greg or Brian again? Now I'm really confused.

The Fat Fatales arrive at the Cabana only to learn that it is closed until 6:30 am. They note that it is now 6:00 am and decide to wait. Here I get confused. Earlier on, Uchenna noted while driving that the Cabana is twenty-five miles away and the speed limit is forty miles per hour. Assuming that the Fat Fatales don't speed, they took two and a half hours to find this Cabana! What happened on the way here? The IVFs are now giving birth, er, asking for directions at a gas station. Is the Cabana that hard to locate? GI Joe and Barbie Jane are arguing over the fact that he can't speak Spanish or read road signs written in Spanish. Since she can't read or speak Spanish either, so why is Barbie Jane annoyed with GI Joe? Is this the case of Barbie Jane getting angry because she is becoming disillusioned with the man she thought to be so strong and powerful? Meanwhile, Dumb and Dumber are driving towards the Cabana and admiring the mountain range over the horizon. The weather is great too! Dude, life is great, man! Sometimes, being simple-minded is its own reward. Other Teams should adopt the "don't think, just drive" method a little more often. Just a little, of course, because we don't want to see anybody following the Lilith Sisters' tire tracks off the Race now, do we?

6:30 am. No one has showed up at the Cabana other than the Fat Fatales, so those two are mighty pleased as they walk through the gate. They learn that it's now time for a Roadblock. Who likes to horse around? Philo comes out to explain that in this Roadblock, the Team member will ride on a horse around a few barrels before spearing the metal rod through a ring hanging from the top of the "goal post" thingie that marks the finishing point of the set. The person must complete this task in under 40 seconds, which Philo says is the competitive time for an "Argentine cowboy". I wonder whether these cowboys are as good as the Hungarian waterpolo players of the previous season. Alex will do this Roadblock because Lynn is saving his energy for a claws-out catfight Roadblock against Ambore.

6:59 am. A noticeably lethargic Robcouple walk out of the Pit Stop. He pauses to ask whether they can take one of the other (other Teams'!) vehicles on the parking lot because their own vehicle is running low on gas. Ambore wisely stops him from going in that direction. The Robfather reminds the audience in a voiceover that he had taken a four-hour penalty for his Team in the previous leg but he isn't fazed one bit. He works better under pressure, he says. In their vehicle, Ambore stretches languidly and looks out the window to admire the view as she tells the Ambore about the wonderful possibility of them catching up with the Teams ahead of them. She can't wait to see their faces if the Robcouple manage to when the Robcouple do catch up with them.

The IVFs are the next to arrive at the Cabana and Joyce agrees to perform the Roadblock. She wanders around the stalls and screech at the horses, asking them whether they are "nice". The horses look at her as if they don't think much of her question. Finally, she chooses a horse that looks the nicest to her. The horse probably swats his tail against a nearby horse's, just like how naughty people would give each other a secret high-five when they have succeeded in fooling a victim. Alex has gotten up on his horse and Lynn is reassuring Alex that the horse has done "this" many times before so Alex shouldn't worry. The horse is no doubt thinking, "Yeah, but has that fat oaf sitting on me done this before?" Lynn barks at Alex to make "deep voice and hard kicks". Why am I laughing, Uchenna? Why, it's because I can't help wondering whether this is what Lynn says to Alex when they are... um... when Alex is giving birth. Yeah, that's it. When Alex is giving birth. Moving on, Uchenna is reassuring Joyce that she'll be great because he knows that she is a "good rider". Snigger.

Alex completes the course but misses the ring at first, causing him to complete the course in 41 seconds. Oops, he has to try again. Joyce, in the meantime, pulls the reins too tight and the horse rears back suddenly. Uchenna cautions her not to pull the reins back too tightly. Oops, Joyce falls off the horse hard. Uchenna calls her sweetie and asks her if she's okay. I like this guy. Joyce gets back up on the horse and asks the supervisors good-humoredly whether she can get a nicer horse than behaves better. I like her too. Alas, they tell her that she has to stick to the horse she has chosen. The horse would have sniggered if he could.

Alex in the meantime finally gets his stick through the hole (eeeuw), clocking a time of 37 seconds, and Lynn squeals and claps happily like a silly bloated walrus begging for fish. The Fat Fatales learn that they are to drive twenty-five miles back to Mendoza and go to the airport where they can now reserve seats on the first of two charter flights that will take them to Buenos Aires. The first flight leaves at 9:30 am while the second flight leaves five hours later at 2:30 pm. It's interesting that the show is now bunching people in staggered groups. I'll see how things turn out before deciding for myself whether this is better than an all-out bunch. At Buenos Aires, Teams must locate the Big Ben-styled clock tower (trivia: it's called, imaginatively, Torre Monumental and was a gift from the British government) where there is this creepy flasher guy waiting for Teams to approach him and ask for their next clue. The Fat Fatales drive away for the airport in Mendoza. They act up for the cameras in a squealy and gasping manner about how horrified they are at Joyce falling down from the horse. There is a "high horse" joke somewhere in this scene but I'm too tired from watching these two camping it up for the cameras to really look.

Back at the ranch, Joyce tries to spear the rod through the ring but falls instead from her horse. Uchenna says that the horse is too wild for Joyce as he calls her "babe" and asks her whether she is fine. Joyce says that she is fine and he encourages to try again, saying that she is doing great and it's just that the horse is "skittish". What strikes me as wonderful, watching them, is how he actually encourages his wife while letting her know that he is on her side and supporting her all the way. To the camera, out of Joyce's earshot, he says that he knows that the other Teams are catching up on them and he'd like Joyce to finish up the Roadblock quickly. But that dear man never lets his frustration show as he cheers Joyce on. He's such a sensible and adorable man that way.

On the road, Dumb and Dumber are behind the GOPs. But when the GOPs make a turn, Dumb and Dumber decide that they should keep going straight. Both Teams are convinced that they are right and the other Team is wrong. But the GOPs are right in this case and Dumb and Dumber have to grit their teeth in exasperation when they realize that they have just spoiled their no-mistake-today resolution when the leg has barely even started. Joyce is now trying one more time to spear the ring, hoping that this attempt will bear fruit (Uchennian childbirth undertones not intended), and just as the GOPs show up, she succeeds! Her time is 37 seconds. Uchenna and Joyce cheer and squeal so much that she nearly falls off her horse again. He kisses her hard and declares her "amazing". Yeah, watching them, I think they are.

Dumb and Dumber decide to "whip" their vehicle around. Elsewhere, the Robcouple are lost. The Robfather says that he hates being lost. ("DON'T BELIEVE HIM!" screams Lex Loser. "HE'LL LULL YOU INTO A CARELESS EASE AND THEN STAB YOU IN THE BACK! FOR THAT WOMAN!")

Kelly rides the horse for the GOPs because she's a princess that way. She finishes the Roadblock without much trouble and the GOPs are on their way. Dumb and Dumber show up just as the GOPs are leaving and the GOPs give the two dimbulbs some good-natured ribbing about getting lost. Brian (the taller one... no, the... oh, never mind) will be doing the Roadblock for Dumb and Dumber.

The Fat Fatales jaunt to the airport counter and reserve themselves seats on the 9:30 am flight. Back at the ranch, Brian finishes the Roadblock in about 33 seconds and he and Greg take off in their vehicle to the airport. At the Mendoza airport, the IVFs show up at about 8:30 am and join the Fat Fatales in getting seats for the 9:30 am flight.

8:34 am. The RADs finally leave the Pit Stop. Ray can't wait to announce how embarrassed he is to be stuck with what he calls "bottom feeders", Mom and Moan and the Cannon Fodders. Hey, watch it, buster, I'll have you know that bottom feeders won the Race in the fifth season. He then says he wants to beat the "old people" and the "weak Team". If he's so tough, I want to know why he doesn't eat the four pounds of beef offal himself in the previous week. The "old people" are right on the RADs' tail, leaving at 8:44 am, a fact which I'm sure must be eating Ray from inside out. Old people - and age - is catching up on Ray! He must dump Deana and sleep with a sixteen-year old to keep them off his tail! Gretchen says that it is tough for her and Meredith to keep up with the younger people. Wow, if she doesn't tell me this, I can't tell at all from the way these two are going that they can't keep up with the others! At 8:56 am, Mom and Moan leave, with Patrick vowing that he will never give up in trying to catch up with the others. If he says so, really.

The Robcouple apparently "stumble" upon the Cabana in their wandering around. Eh. The Robfather will do this one because he has ridden a horse before.

The GOPs show up at the airport at 9:00 am. By this point, I'm really confused. Why does it take the GOPs nearly half an hour to reach the airport when they complete the Roadblock shortly after the IVFs, who arrived at the airport at 8:30 am? Factor in the fact that the Fat Fatales and the other Teams take more than two hours to make a twenty-mile drive from the Pit Stop to the Cabana and I am one very confused person. Either these people are driving really slowly, they get really lost along the way, or maybe they are abducted by UFOs and they don't remember that happening. Back to the GOPs, they too get tickets for the 9:30 am flight.

The Robfather isn't as good a horseman as he thinks he is as his posture on a horse will make a professional horse rider wince but he completes the Roadblock in what seems like one go. The show tries to add to the legend and the myth of the Robfather by not showing the time he takes to complete the course. Instead, as the Robfather thunders past the finish point, the person keeping the time just tells him, "Perfect!" That means he either finishes the task in exactly 40 seconds or he has broken a new world record. Ambore hollers that the whole Roadblock looks easy ("Shut up!" says Joyce) and the Robfather says that it's because he's a "professional horse rider". She says that he looks cute on the horse. Cute? The word she is looking for is "hot". No, I didn't say that. As they leave, they note that it's now 9:10 am and they don't have much time to catch the 9:30 am flight.

Dumb and Dumber in the meantime reach the airport and arrive at the ticket counter at 9:25 am. They hope that no one else is on the plane - oh, they're so funny, especially when they're not joking - and manage wheedle and beg successfully to be allowed on the 9:30 am flight. I actually believe that the flight must have been delayed because it's not possible for the two dimbulbs to get on the plane if it is leaving at 9:30 am.

Ambore stretches at the back of the vehicle and places her arm over her head in a Maxim pose as she wonders aloud to the Robfather the bile the other Teams will have to swallow if the Robcouple manage to catch up with them. Ooh, the quiet sidekick has some mean streak in her, and here I am thinking that the Robfather is the one with all the crooked intentions. The Robfather arrogantly dismisses the other Teams. "Who cares about any of them?" he tells her. Ambore points out that the other Teams hate them for doing so well on the Race. Actually, they hate the Robcouple for being Survivors and the hate only intensifies, I suspect, for some Teams because the Robcouple is also doing well on the Race. The Robcouple says that the other Teams just want to be like them. "But not on a good day," he adds and smiles playfully as he watches the road because yeah, he doesn't take what he says that seriously either. Everything is for the camera. Oh, baby.

The three Teams that are right now getting comfortable in the 9:30 am flight have moved on from complaining about the size of the plane to gloating about what great people they are to have beaten the Teams who quitted the meat-eating Roadblock. It should be to no one's surprise that Lynn is the one who start the whole "carnivores rule" nonsense even when he hasn't eaten a single bite of the offal himself. Barbie Jane pompously declares, "It just goes to show that if you want to win this race, you can't give up on anything. And that's why we're on the first flight!" Since the plane hasn't taken off yet, these people are planning an egg party even when the chicken haven't even been bought yet for the farm.

Well, look who's here at the airport. The Robcouple realize that the 9:30 am flight is still at the airport and the Robfather laughs as they check in their luggage, saying that some "very nice people" are going to hold the flight until they board it. As the other Teams on the plane begin to gloat and look exactly like the pigs in Animal Farm (with Lynn even saying, "Survive this!" as everyone else laughs like it's the funniest thing ever), the Robcouple gleefully cross the tarmac to board the plane.

Ambore says that someone is watching over them (that is true according to the conspiracy theorists watching the show) and can't wait to see the faces of the other Teams when the Robcouple board the flight. And indeed, as the others all but cackle, the Robcouple walk through the entrance like demigods rising from the sea to smite the losers. "No freaking way!" gasps one of the Dumber and Dumber. The Robfather pauses just for the right amount of time before giving GI Joe a lifted-eyebrow patented Robfather "You've been punk'd!" look and asking GI Joe how his stomach is. Perfect! Ambore actually has a laughing fit upon hearing her boyfriend's remark to the Robfather. I don't think I've seen this much expression on her face before.

Barbie Jane seethes that the Robfather's strategy works out in the end and the fact that it does "makes her sick". And here I am thinking that it's just an automatic reflex action on her part after she has eating a slice of cake on the plane. Don't hold back, Barbie, just throw up all your negative feelings along with your unwanted calories! Lynn tells the camera that everyone else on the plane would have cheered if it was any other Team that got on the plane. But didn't he say that the quitters suck? Does that mean that he'd cheer for, say, the RADs if they show up on the plane instead of the Robcouple? Oh, these people. Besides, it's worth pointing out that Lynn and Barbie Jane, two of the loudest in driving home the "Quitters suck!" dogma, did not partake a nibble at the Roadblock in question. I can't help thinking that Alex and GI Joe must be at that moment wishing that they'd quitted and taken the penalty back then too. The show then cuts to Alex saying how much he hates the Robcouple. I strongly suspect that this soundbite is taken from Alex's confessional from last week and pasted over this scene, seeing how this show isn't above splicing and "creatively" twisting events to provide what it believes is a more compelling story for the audience. I just wish that the show has done the creative splicing more subtly. Meanwhile, the Robcouple take a seat and says quietly to Ambore that they have, once more, made it through "by the skin of our teeth". And then, looking at the camera, he chomps for effect.

Their good buddies the RADs are right now at the Cabana. Deana will be performing the Roadblock. The Cannon Fodders are on the road to the Cabana when they realize that there is a juggler doing his thing in the middle of the road while the traffic light remains red. Meredith is awed, sure that the kid is just "earning a living". Gretchen approves, suggesting to Meredith that the kid may even be trying to work his way through college. And do these two people stop to give the kid a single penny? No. How awesome of them. Meanwhile, Mom and Moan also stop before a light and this time there is a clown doing his thing in the middle of the road. Susan complains that the clown is in their way and Patrick tells her that she can run the clown down if she wants to. Alas, she doesn't take up her son's suggestion. I always want to see a clown getting run down.

Ray says tightly to the camera that he is sure that Deana will be done in a short moment, although his expression and tone suggest otherwise. Sure enough, he is telling her to kick the horse "faster" and she is telling him that she cannot do that. He grits his teeth and tells her that her horse isn't broken and it doesn't need new batteries. At home, Colin watches this scene and shouts at the TV before punching the TV top furiously, "That's my line! You stole it, jerk!" He then tries to pick up the phone and calls Brobbie. "I want to sue someone. Go out with me and I'll tell you who it is," he'll tell her. "Jerk!" Brobbie will say and slam down the phone. Back to Deana, she tells Ray that he doesn't understand how difficult she is finding her horseriding is. He says curtly that they are going to be eliminated because of her.

As they are arguing, the Cannon Fodders reach the Cabana and Meredith will be riding the horse. Ray is telling Deana to "get mad" at the horse because he believes that this is one way to get the horse to move. It is probably too obvious to see how he applies this principle as well to the women in his life. Alas, in this case, Deana isn't moving. Maybe the girlfriend is broken as well and needs new batteries. When he spots the Cannon Fodders coming in to the horse track, he tells Deana angrily that she is wasting time because the "oldsters" have caught up with them. Deana and Meredith finally get moving at about the same time. Gretchen and Ray start hollering at their respective partners and I'm hard-pressed to decide which one is worse, Gretchen's irritating Chicken-Little voice or Ray's psychotic drill sargeant tone. Meredith finally completes the course - earning him from Gretchen, "What a Graucho you are!" - while Deana's foot falls off the stirrup at the last moment and the horse stops just before she can spear the rod through the ring. As she cries and Ray gruffly orders her to keep going, the Cannon Fodders leave for the airport. Gretchen spares a thought for "poor Deana", telling Meredith that Deana isn't "making" the horse go fast enough. I can easily see Gretchen watching a poor kid getting mauled by a tiger before turning to Meredith and saying, "The poor kid! He isn't running away fast enough!"

As Ray tells Deana to get madder at the horse and she screams at the horse in response, Mom and Moan show up at the Cabana. Patrick will be horseriding today. Ray is still yelling at Deana because he doesn't think that she is yelling at the horse loud enough. She yells back at him that oh yes, she is yelling at the horse loud enough. The horse is wondering why he is being left out of the scream party. When they notice the arrival of Mom and Moan, Ray decides that it's time their shirts fall off. No, I'm not joking. He takes off his shirt and uses it to fasten Deana's foot to the stirrup while Deana passes her shirt to Ray so that he can fasten it to her foot on the other stirrup. He has a nice, well-muscled body, I must admit. It's too bad that face and the personality have too much resemblance to a donkey's rear end.

Patrick and Deana find themselves at the starting line again. This time, Ray shouts at Deana to hit the horse and she does, although I'm sure she's not hitting a horse in her mind. Take that, take that! She completes the course this time in 33 seconds. Ray, unfortunately believing that his approach of yelling and hitting obstinate creatures in his path is workable, tells her that he is so proud of her. They leave quickly for the airport. In the meantime, Patrick overshoots the time by five seconds so he has to start again. Ray in the vehicle says to the camera that he will never accept being in the "back of the pack" because he is not that kind of loser. Since he's right now at the back of the pack, he comes off like someone in denial rather than a competitive fellow. Save that macho speech for another day, buddy.

Patrick and Susan begin to argue when they realize that they are the only ones yet to complete the Roadblock. She tells him that his feet is not in the stirrups. He deliberately leaves his feet off the stirrups and tells her to keep quiet because he needs to "concentrate". She naturally protests that she just wants to help him. Why are mothers on TV such clichés? Patrick tells her in tightly-controlled patience to stop talking before they end up having an "embarrassing moment". She finally does, an expression of hurt on her face, and he goes ahead and completes the course, finally. As they leave, Patrick complains that his crotch hurts. Yeah? My head hurts so I guess everyone's even at this point.

The 9:30 am flight lands at Buenos Aires at 11:30 am. Hmm, it looks that the Teams on this flight could easily complete the leg of the Race before the second batch of Teams even leave Mendoza! The devil favors the Robcouple once again because as they are the Teams that got on the flight last, their luggage show up at the conveyor belt in the luggage collection area first. "See you at the finish!" the Robfather tells the other Teams as he and Ambore dash for a cab. The other Teams eventually leave, right down to the Fat Fatales who, because they came on the flight first, are the last to receive their luggage. Heh, heh, heh.

The Robcouple hop off at the Tower and easily spot the creepy raincoat guy. He passes them their next clue. Philo explains that Teams must now take a train to Tigre, some twenty miles from here, and locate the docks at 700 Lavalle. It makes sense that the show will use Tigre's docks as Tigre is located on the Parana River Delta, famous of its scenic estuaries and islets. The Robcouple locate the train station and board the train that will be leaving within ten minutes. The other Teams soon catch up with them. All five Teams are on their way to Tigre.

The Cannon Fodders have reserved their seats for the 2:30 pm flight and they sit at the airport trying to kill time until they can board the plane. When the other two Teams show up, Gretchen quickly pipes up, "We're still here!" As if the other Teams even believe that she and Meredith could be on the 9:30 am flight, really! She adds, referring to all three Teams being together, "It's the ménage a trois!" That's it. Someone needs to make Gretchen stop talking because she has now crossed over the line from Trying Too Hard Very Loudly to Insanely Embarrassing. As the three Teams stand around looking quietly at each other, Gretchen points out to the camera that one of the three Teams in the second flight will be getting eliminated at the end of the day. Right now, I wish all three Teams can be magically eliminated in one stroke. Is it too mean to hope that the plane takes a shortcut through the Bermuda Triangle? Ray complains to the camera that he is stuck on a flight with an "old couple" and "two people that weigh a buck-twenty". Since being relatively young and weighing a thousand pounds in steroids and dumb aren't doing him any good, I don't see why he is complaining. It is not as if he's doing so well in the first place.

On the train to Tigre, the Fat Fatales manage to engage a local in discussion of the route to the dock in question in Tigre. The local points out the location of the docks in the map belonging to the Fat Fatales. Upon receiving this information, the Fat Fatales abruptly stand up and march straight towards the front of the train as quietly as they can. Lynn explains to the camera that he doesn't want anybody else to "see on the map". Eh, if that's the case, why don't he just roll the map up and stick it in his bag? Also, Lynn says that getting to the front of the train first will allow his Team to get off the train first. Now I'm a little confused. Don't train carriages have exits at both at the front and the back? Maybe Lynn has learned from the local the location of the exit at the station and that the front exit of the carriage is closer to this exit, I suppose. But as the two fatties leave for the front of the carriage, the Robfather's head turns in eerie mechanical-like precision to see those two leaving and the next thing the Fat Fatales know, the Robcouple are standing right behind the Fat Fatales as they wait for the train to stop. The Robfather has this deceptively innocent expression on his face that has me laughing out loud. All that's missing is him whistling as he looks around him beatifically. Alex tells the camera that the Fat Fatales don't talk to the Robcouple. Remember, he hates them so much. Lynn adds that the Robcouple are "kind of like an STD - you've got to protect yourself from them and the only way you can do it is just keep yourself away from them!" Except that in this case they haven't succeeded in keeping the Robcouple away so these two will have to get some higher than normal dosage of penicillin to contain the cold sores erupting all over their egos, those poor darlings.

The train stops at the Tigre station. The Robfather tells Ambore that they have to follow the Fat Fatales because those two seem to know where they are going. In the meantime, the other Teams wander off in a different direction. Luckily, Dumb and Dumber spot the Fat Fatales and the Robcouple heading in the correct direction and follow them. On the other hand, both the GOPs and the IVFs end up taking the opposite direction and learn from locals that they have to turn back. Ahead, the Fat Fatales and the Robcouple learn that it's time for a Detour. For "Shipwreck", Philo explains that Teams must get on a boat and explore the waterways to locate a particular shipwreck using only a photo of the ship in happier days as a guide. In "Island", Teams will be given a map and they have to use this map to navigate themselves to a particular island among the many around Tigre. So basically both Detours are more or less the same thing, really. The Fat Fatales will be looking for an island while the Robcouple will be looking for a shipwreck.

The Robcouple make sure that their boat guys know English, or "more or less" anyway according to the Robfather, heh, and the Robfather introduces himself to these guys and make sure that he knows their names. That's a nice thing to do, especially if it makes him come off better to these guys and they may want to cooperate a little better with the Robcouple. As the two boats taking the two Teams go separate ways, Lynn once more announces how much he detests the Robcouple. At this point the horse is beyond being flogged, it is dead and its corpse a maggoty decomposing mess on the ground. Shut up already, Lynn!

The IVFs reach the docks and they decide to search for the shipwreck. Dumb and Dumber will do likewise while the GOPs will look for the island. All Teams get into their boats and take off.

There is an ominous sound coming from the Robcouple's boat. The Robfather explains that their boat has "cracked into half" (I don't think it's that bad actually, at least, not in the Titanic sense) but because the boat is still afloat, the Robfather agrees with one of the guys, Carlos, that they should keep going. ("Damn it! The boat should have exploded!" grumbles Lex from behind the bushes as he rereads the sabotage manual.) Poor Not-Carlos must not be too happy with the decision. The Fat Fatales' boat is also croaking ominously but Alex consoles themselves by saying that "at least" the Robcouple is not within their sight. I should hope so, since the two Teams are looking for two different things in two different directions! Do these two have anything other than the Robcouple in their heads?

The Robfather decides that the boat should make a particular turn into an estuary and lo, there it is, the shipwreck! Ambore checks the photo to see whether they are at the right shipwreck and they are. A man pretends to step out from the shipwreck (I bet he's actually waiting all this while in a comfortable and dry boat hidden from the cameras) to greet them. The Robfather says, "Hey, it's the Old Man and the Sea!" Dang, he's read that book. I'm impressed. My bookmark has been languishing between pages 45 and 46 for almost two decades now. The Robfather gets the clue, thanks the old man - whom he calls "buddy" - and learns that he and Ambore can now take a cab to the Pit Stop, which Philo says is the "most prestigious polo club in Argentina". (Trivia: polo is a very popular sport, which is to expected in a horse-mad country like Argentina.) As far as I know, the most prestigious polo club in Argentina is the La Esperanza Polo Club located in Coronel Suarez, the town known as the "World's Capital of Polo". Is this where they are going? Philo doesn't tell, hmmph! Back to the Race, the Robfather hopes that their boat - moving very, very slowly - will take them back to the docks in one piece.

Haw, haw, the Fat Fatales' boat completely dies out on them. All they can do is to wait as their driver radios for a replacement boat. ("Oops, I 'fixed' the wrong boat. Sorry, guys!" says Lex.) Dumb and Dumber locate their shipwreck and quickly ask the boat to return to the docks. Meanwhile, the Robfather shouts to the camera over the sound of the motor of the boat that he is giving his Red Sox cap to Carlos as a gesture of appreciation. He gets to wear Carlos' greasy green cap, which he does until the end of the Race. ("That cap! It should have be mine! I'm going to steal back what is rightfully mine!" Lex Loser announces.) They get a cab to take them to the Club. Dumb and Dumber are close on their tail.

As the Fat Fatales watch as their replacement boat approaches them, Philo's voiceover comes on to remind everyone that while the show will offer a replacement vehicle for any vehicle that breaks down through no fault of the Team, there will be no time credit for such a situation. In their new boat, the Fat Fatales resume searching for the shipwreck. Meanwhile, the GOPs locate the correct island and they too are now returning to the docks. The IVFs locate the island and spot the clue stand, so on the spot they decide that they may as well abandon their shipwreck Detour and take this one instead. Hey, is that allowed? I'm pretty sure the Race has rules that forbid such a thing. I'll have to wait and see if this Team gets a time penalty at the start of the next leg. The Fat Fatales finally locate the island and as they return to the docks, they moan about a horrible day they had, what with the boat and all. Oops, I better hide the beer and candies that are in front of me before I hurt their feelings.

In their cab, the Robfather admits that his Team has been very lucky at this leg of the Race. "Luck has always been on my side. It's like I was born with a horseshoe," he says with a grin and adds cheekily, "right up my ass!" Oh, that naughty boy! And how nice of him to claim sole credit for his Team's performance for this leg of the Race. Of course, he deserves sole credit as Ambore doesn't actually do anything that I can see to be as of much use, but... heh, yeah, even he knows that he's the sole driving force for the Robcouple. They step in to the Pit Stop, while Philo, a polo player, and - I snort in laughter at this - a horse wait for them at the finishing mat. Philo gives them a trip to London and the show then cuts to a bizarre animated sponsor clip that reminds me of a bad Atari game complete with an obvious Philo voiceover. I suspect that this clip in hastily inserted to replace Philo's initial sponsor pitch. Maybe American Airlines pulled out after seeing how they were portrayed in the finale of the previous season, although it's not the fault of the show as much as it is the fault of their employee who fudged up the truth to the Templates. I don't know. Anyway, Ambore boasts that they have won two trips and two first places and there are "more to come". Sigh, the Robcouple are definitely not going to win the Race now. The editors won't be showing Ambore saying this if they are.

Dumb and Dumber are team number two. They say happily that they are "moving up the ladder". Wish I can say of them moving up the evolutionary ladder.

The GOPs are apparently in a slow cab because GI Joe snaps to the camera that the driver, whom he calls "Pokey", is taking his time in driving. I wonder what he calls his Iraqi captors. The Fat Fatales' cab driver stops to ask for directions, I think, although the driver could easily be complaining about his passengers to some friends he came across at the gas station. Those two can only watch in growing impatience as their driver yak away.

The IVFs, therefore, are able to beat the two Teams to the Pit Stop as team number three. Muah, smooch, happy hugs all around. The GOPs step in as team number four.

And finally, the Fat Fatales come in at fifth place. Lynn squeals and yells a lot and tries to explain away his Team's dropping from first in the previous leg to fifth in this leg (which is, eeriely enough, the exact mirror of the Robcouple's progress in the previous leg) by saying that they have some bad luck in this leg. Maybe he should try sticking a horseshoe up his ass.

And finally, the We-Can't-Care-Less flight lands in Buenos Aires long after the first five Teams have packed up and settled down to relax in the Pit Stop. Ray's first words once the RADs are in a cab is that he is not going to be defeated by the Cannon Fodders because the Cannon Fodders are "a couple decades beyond where they need to be". That is such a vile thing to say that I can't help but to snort in laughter upon hearing it because I don't know how to react otherwise. The other two Teams are also in their respective cabs. Ray goes on and on some more about how he just doesn't want to and cannot lose to weak or old or weak and old Teams that it seems like karma when his cab ends up in the wrong direction and the Cannon Fodders end up reaching the Tower first. They and the RADs end up on the same train to Tigre. I don't know what Mom and Moan did to be left so behind, but they not only miss the train that carries the RADs and the Cannon Fodders, they get on the next train firmly convinced that they are in the lead. As the train leaves, they fervently hope that no other Teams are on this train. Boy, are they right this time or what!

It is 5:35 pm when the RADs and the Cannon Fodders disembark from the train at Tigre. Both Teams part ways when the RADs walk to the docks while the Cannon Fodders take a cab. At 5:38 pm, Mom and Moan get off their train. I have my doubts about that 5:38 pm thing but that's what the show tells me. At the docks, both the RADs and the Cannon Fodders decide to look for the island. Mom and Moan decide to search for the island as well. But just when things are going smoothly for Mom and Moan, their boat breaks down. Patrick declares that this is the end for the Team. If he says so. It's time to party, everyone!

The RADs, when Ray is not telling Deana to shut up and listen to him, manage to find the island and when they are leaving, they come across the Cannon Fodders. Deana makes a gesture that has the Cannon Fodders believing that she is telling them to follow the RADs so the two old coots quickly order their boat to follow the RADs'. Sheesh. Ray is not going to enlighten the Cannon Fodders though. "These people don't belong in this game with us," he announces to the camera. This guy should take off his shirt and just keep quiet for the rest of the day.

Patrick is telling Susan that he doesn't understand why she wants to keep being in the Race. Oh dear, Mr Never Give Up has apparently given up already, poor thing. She tries to encourage him to stay optimistic but he just snorts rudely as they climb onto the replacement boat that has arrived. Elsewhere, the Cannon Fodders are starting to feel uneasy about following the RADs and wonder whether they should turn around. Back to Susan, she asks him where he thinks they should turn when they come across the river branching into two directions. He snaps at her that he doesn't know and doesn't care. Aww, poor baby, someone give him a lollypop so that he can suck on it. She tries to tell him that there is some hope that they can make it to the end without getting eliminated and he tells her that there is no hope. Hear the violins, Patrick? Be a dear, jump into the river, and drown. Life is, after all, so bleak and meaningless.

"I'm not losing to a 70-year-old man and his wife even if it were checkers!" Guess whose quote that is. The RADs reach the dock and get a cab to take them to the Pit Stop. The Cannon Fodders in the meantime reach the island and make a fuss about the RADs lying to them and "playing the game". What is it about people who stupidly follow other people and then insist that they have been had when they realize their mistakes? Teams seem to do this every season.

Finally, Mom and Moan locate the correct island. Patrick is all the while snapping very nastily to Susan about how stupid the whole Race is and how he just wants everything to be done with.

The RADs are team number six. Ray says that he will take "it" and adds, "for now". Since he can only take what is given to him, that's an odd figure of speech. What will he do if he can't take "it" in the future? He's 44. In the blink of an eye, he'll be 74 and crying about how he is stuck with 90-somethings who are beating him on one thing or the other. The Cannon Fodders are team number seven. Meredith is amazed that the both of them are still upright. Damn right, that. At any rate, I suspect that it is a matter of time for these two to leave. The weak Teams are nearly all gone from the Race by now and there will be no one to take the fall and allow the Cannon Fodders to slip through unless one of these Teams make a major blunder.

And finally, Mom and Moan step up to the Pit Stop when it is already late at night. Susan is crying when Philo tells her and Patrick that they are the last Team to arrive and are therefore eliminated. He asks Patrick why he thinks the Race is so important to Susan that she is crying. Patrick says in a voice dripping with disdain, "Why don't you answer that, Mom?" She says that she wants to show Patrick that they could make it on this Race but in the end, she can't fix boats. She leaves it at that and sobs unhappily. In an interview in the cozy room, Susan says that she is an optimist while Patrick is a pessimist. Maybe she should stop trying to enable his behavior. Patrick says that he gets "frustrated" when Susan is optimistic because he believes that such "optimism" isn't "real". He wonders whether he should lighten up. Lighten up? More like "grow up", really. And then they're mercifully gone.


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