You Deal With This Before I Hyperventilate
The Amazing Race 6: Episode 11


It's a plane! Previously, it was okay to make mistakes early in the Race because there would be about ten artificial bunching points to save the Teams that make mistakes. Yes, that would be the Goth-Nots. On the other hand, when the Superdumbos made a mistake right before the dash to the Pit Stop, that was it for them. How about this week? Can Teams still do anything stupid and be saved by artificial bunchings, provided they don't screw up too late into the leg?

Credits. I think it is time we do away with the ultra-cheesy poses on the credits and replace them with something else. How about a Survivor-style credits where instead of two idiots grinning stupidly at the camera before a waterfall, we have scenes from their actions on the Race instead? That will be nicer, I think.

Philo Koughie steps out to explain that he's at Sigiriya, Sri Lanka, the home of the Lion Rock and the hotel where the remaining Teams took a dip in the pool the previous episode. There is not much to say about the Teams remaining at the hotel, other than Philo wondering whether the bickering twosomes the Mollywoods and the Goth-Nots will overcome or fall victim to their endless squabblings. But isn't that the theme song of the Race, "Endless Squabblings"? I'm so tired of watching these people scream and shout at each other. Oh well, there is only one more episode after this before I'm done with this lacklustre season.

11:59 pm. Good evening, the Templates. She giggles again as she reads the clue. Teams, Philo explains, must now fly about 4,000 miles to Shanghai, China. In Shanghai, they must locate the Yu Yuan Garden for their next clue. Kris hee-hees that the Templates, like every Team on this leg of the Race, receive $142 for this leg of the Race. All that money will be useful when it comes to shopping trips to kill the time between the bunchings, I suppose. Kris tells the camera as the two get into a cab that the Templates have to be at the top of their game to beat other Teams. I seriously hope that it is the editing that makes them so one-dimensionally dull and they are much more interesting people in real life.

12:04 am. The Mollywoods are off. Aaron talks once more for the nth time on this Race that Hayden is "bull-headed". When he has to use terms of endearment like "psycho", "bitch", and now "bull-headed", shouldn't he be running away from Hayden instead of trying to be her calm in the storm? Are those fake mammaries really worth the energy spent on trying to defuse her? Hayden is already gnashing her teeth and telling the cab to hurry. Oh, Aaron.

12:05 am. Hmm, Kendra counts the money her Team has received and says that it's $141. Okay, who is right, Kris or Kendra? As befits their bad-twin/good-twin routine, Kendra ends up echoing Kris when she says that the Fre&Ks must stay focused on the Race because the other remaining Teams are "super competitive". They too get into a cab to take them to the airport.

12:06 am. The Goth-Nots are ready to leave. Rebecca tells the camera about how they will never give up as they board their cab. Maybe she means that she will never let Adam Ant give up because Adam Ant wanted to do so in the previous leg. But I'm sure Rebecca has plenty of things on her mind, like trying to come up with various illnesses to keep Adam Ant from her bed at night for the rest of the Race, so I'll let this lapse of memory on her part slip.

Cab gab follows. Kris calls the cab driver her friend and tells him to hurry because the Templates are in a Race. Kendra muses that Shanghai is supposed to be "remarkably beautiful". Rebecca says that she has always wanted to go to Shanghai after seeing that Sean Penn and Madonna movie Shanghai Surprise. She even quotes from that movie, as if her admitting that she actually remembers the title of that Madonna movie, much less watches it, hasn't branded her enough as a freak of humanity. Freddy tells the camera that the Fre&Ks and the Mollywoods are still in a strong alliance and they will do all they can to bust the other two Teams behind. Rebecca asks Adam Ant rhetorically for the sake of the camera whether Chinese food will still be called Chinese food if they eat it in China. Oh, so she's plundering her schtick from Friends now. She's going to be a hit on the stand-up circuit, I tell you.

At the airport, the Templates manage to get a Dragonair flight to Shanghai that will leave at 7:45 am. The Model Alliance show up next and get tickets for this flight too. Then the Goth-Nots show up. Adam Ant begs to be given a chance to get them tickets but Rebecca just elbows him out of the way to do it herself. Philo puts down his can of Kool-Aid and steps out to explain the confusing concept of all teams being on a same flight to Shanghai. Between this and all those bunchings, this Race has become too complicated for words.

Hello, Shanghai. I've been to that place before and let me tell you, things are always so much better on TV because I don't have to smell the place or deal with the tiresome traffic. The Mollywoods are the only ones who took the trouble of converting their dollars to local currency during the transit stop so the other Teams have to line up at the currency exchange booth at the airport after passing the customs. Jon realizes that it is hard to get a cab when you can't speak Mandarin and the locals can't speak English. (Actually they can, but... maybe not the cab drivers. I should know. I'm Chinese and I can barely speak Mandarin. I got heckled about that a lot from Shanghai cab drivers.) Kris tells the camera that it's their fault, really, because they are Americans in a non-English speaking place so they can't blame the locals for not understanding them. How sweet, really. Hayden asks Aaron how much "yen" he has on him. He tells him that they don't use yen in China. What does he see in her, anyway, apart from the obvious assets on her chest? She's a dull cow upstairs and her mouth works faster than her brain.

Rebecca approaches the Fre&Ks and enquire about the currency exchange. Freddy explains what she wants to know (the rate, the procedure, et cetera). The Fre&Ks are the first team to get a cab and in their cab, he tells Kendra that the Goth-Nots, or the "little ones" as he calls them, always latch on to other Teams on the Race. He muses that Adam Ant is "not assertive" enough to take charge of things, leaving it unsaid that he thinks less of Adam for letting Rebecca be in charge. Oh, Freddy, that's not true. Adam isn't unassertive, he's just outright useless.

Finally the Templates get a cab. Shortly after, the Goth-Nots have finished exchanging money and they too get a cab. The Mollywoods finally emerge from the airport (what were they doing inside for so long?) and they approach a cab driver who wants "250". Actually this makes sense when you compare this to the Templates' driver asking for "24" because both USD24 and RMBY250 are within the standard fare range for cabs from the airport to the Yu Yuan Garden. Both cab drivers are asking for more or less the same amount of money but quoting in different currencies.

In the Goth-Not cab, Rebecca is happy because she is sure that they have beaten the Mollywoods in getting a cab. Yes they have, because the Mollywoods are still at the airport trying to negotiate with the cab driver. Hayden starts saying that the man is trying to rip them off, which he would be only if his "250" is quoted in US Dollars, and keeps going on and on about this until Aaron straightens up and tells her to shut up. They end up taking the cab. Hayden is still at it, telling Aaron that she always has to be the one to beg for money when they run out of cash and she's tired of having to be the one to do that all the time. Aaron visibly takes a deep breath and then tells her to shut up. She tells him to stop telling her to shut up. Okay, Aaron then tells her, "No more." She tries to speak. "No more!" he snaps at her. She opens her mouth. "NO MORE!" he snaps again. Heh.

The three Teams ahead actually wind up at some hotel when they and their cab drivers try to get directions to the Yu Yuan Garden. The Mollywoods on the other hand start to wonder whether their driver knows where he is going. It is 1:15 am when the Fre&Ks get out of their cab onto a dark and apparently deserted street. Kendra, like Colombus discovering America, immediately christens the street "the Ghetto Street". So where's the Breeder Avenue, sweetie? The Mollywoods are still lost and Hayden is starting to wonder whether they are going in circles. Then the Templates and the Goth-Nots show up. Kris, not knowing that her evil twin sister has already named the street, calls it the Harlem of Shanghai. Of course the same people who slam Kendra for "Ghetto Street" will work overtime to rationalize "Harlem of Shanghai" into a term of endearment. Maybe these people will even name their kids Harlem in honor of Kris.

Back to the Mollywoods, Hayden is saying that she is fed up and she wants Aaron to stop the cab and look for people who can speak English to ask for directions. Oh, and she orders him to deal with the problem before she hyperventilates. Wordlessly he gets out of the cab. I expect him to run down the lane that Hayden describes as "scary little alley" while screaming that he is finally free but he is much stronger (or foolhardy) than I would imagine because he comes back into the cab after he has once more solved the problem for the two of them. Ahead, three Teams are wandering in the dark. Jon is singing, "Cruising down the streets of Shanghai..." Ah, a sign of a sense of humor! I'm starting to warm up to this guy. That perpetually giggling Kris though, I'm still ambivalent about. The Mollywoods finally end up in Ghetto Street or the Harlem of Shanghai (depending on which twin sister you overidentify with) where they meet the other three Teams standing outside the gate of the Garden. The Yu Yuan Garden is closed and will only open at 8:00 am. Phew, for a while there I am starting to worry that the Race is losing its touch and ten minutes may actually pass by without a bunching! Everyone decides to go back to the hotel the three Teams earlier asked for directions at for some rest. So now we all know why the Teams are given so much money for every leg of the Race.

8:00 am. Shanghai is coming to life and the Yu Yuan Garden is open. This garden, by the way, is four hundred years old and was built by a sixteenth-century government official Pan Yunduan for his parents. The naughty Race designers have put the clue box inside a small cave structure so the Teams scatter in all directions trying to look for the clue in the wide, cluttered Garden. Everyone starts calling out to his or her Team partner while wondering aloud where the clue stand is. The Fre&Ks are the first to stumble upon the clue stand and quickly take the clue and run somewhere else to read it. Philo explains that Teams must now proceed to Yincheng Road and locate the clue stand which is located somewhere on the grounds of the Huaneng Union Tower. Oh, and the clue also says, "Caution: Yield ahead!"

Next to find the clue stand are the Templates, followed by the Mollywoods. The Fre&Ks are outside the Garden and discovering what the Templates will soon also learn the hard way: it is early morning rush hour and there are no cabs that will take them to Yincheng Road. There are cabs, mind you, but the drivers refuse to go to Yincheng Road. If you ever wonder why, you obviously haven't been to Shanghai and experience the cab politics in that place. Here's a hint: always call and ask for a cab from the Jin Jiang company (their cabs are always white in color) before you go anywhere because the drivers of these cabs know where to go more often than other cab companies. Cabs painted blue and red - like the ones driven by the men the Teams are talking to - are from small, overnight operations run by people who can't speak English and most of the time have no knowledge of the streets of Shanghai. Many of these drivers are also quite cocky and unprofessional in that they will only take anyone who is going to the place they'd like to go. Cabs going to Yincheng Road in that early hour will not find many passengers wishing to leave that business hub where the road is in the heart of (not so early in the morning anyway) so these drivers often find it "not profitable" to go to Yincheng Road at that time of the day. On the other hand, in the evening rush hour, every one of these cab drivers will want to take people to Yincheng Road because there are many employees wanting to go home. That way, the cab drivers don't have to make a "passenger-free" trip out of Yincheng Road. That's how these cab drivers work.

The Goth-Nots finally locate the clue stand. Rebecca, after reading the clue, declares that they are "so Yielded". To the camera, she talks about how Freddy and Kendra would want to avenge their Yielding at the hands of the Goth-Nots, a Yield that Rebecca is now starting to think as a pretty lousy idea. Well, the fact that the idea came from Pornathan should have been enough to let her know that it wasn't close to a good one. Outside, the frantic search for a cab continues. Hayden manages to tell Freddy to use the Yield. Why can't she use it herself? Oh yes, she'd hyperventilate if she has to do anything on her own. Finally, the Templates manage to get a cab. But the cab doesn't move even after the Templates have climbed into the back. Well, what can I say? Newcomers to Shanghai always encounter cab problems. It's like an initiation ritual. T-shirts at souvenir stores should say "I Survived A Cab Ride In Shanghai". Hayden tries to get a local to stop a cab. It doesn't work and Hayden wonders whether it's because she's American. Not really, the cab drivers will still treat her the same way if she's British, heh. The Fre&Ks finally locate a cab. I guess Freddy's impressive fence-leap must have done the trick. In the cab, Kendra also starts wondering whether she is being discriminated against. Those cabs were empty so why couldn't they take her and Freddy to Yincheng Road?

Finally, Hayden manages to stop a cab who will take her there and calls Aaron over. Rebecca on the other hand is wondering why these cab drivers don't want to take her and Adam to Yincheng Road even when she tries to offer them plenty of money. Finally they get a cab. The camera cuts to some locals watching the Goth-Nots getting into the cab with looks of amusement on their faces. I think I must have the same look when Adam tries to stop the cab with his thin, high-pitched girly voice and his awkward hand flailings. I don't want to, really, but I really understand why Rebecca tries not to get Adam to do the communication thing with other people. Ahead, the Templates are stuck in traffic. Kris is worried that the Fre&Ks will Yield them but she tells the camera that the Templates' worse nightmare is their cab driver. She sounds a little less perky as usual. Oh, come on, Kris, remember those charming words to the Tick? Think optimistic thoughts, sweetie!

Freddy, in their cab, says that he did consider Yielding the Templates but nah, he'd rather Yield the Goth-Nots in the spirit of a little payback. That makes sense, to keep the strongest competition in just to spite the weak little rats. Over at another cab, Hayden has this brilliant concept that the Fre&Ks should wait for the Mollywoods to catch up because the Mollywoods have such rotten luck with cab drivers. Since the Mollywoods have pretty much latched on to the Fre&Ks' coattails mostly throughout the course of the Model Alliance, she's the one to talk.

The Fre&Ks reach the Huaneng Union Tower and start searching around the Tower for the clue stand. But first, they step on the Yield mat. Freddy momentarily wonders whether they should Yield the Templates but Kendra just grabs the photo of the Goth-Nots from the box. So, just like that, wham! The Goth-Nots are Yielded. Kendra is so thrilled to be given the chance to pin the Fre&Ks' photo under the "Courtesy Of" space. The motive behind this Yield is obviously revenge. They then continue to look for the clue stand. The Mollywoods soon show up to join them. In their cab, Rebecca guesses that the Goth-Nots are getting Yielded. She's a sharp cookie. Elsewhere, the Templates are still stuck in traffic, it seems. She wonders whether they should get out and run. Jon correctly points out that they have no idea where to run to.

The Fre&Ks locate the clue stand and discover that it's now time for a Roadblock. For those who don't keep count, Freddy has so far performed five Roadblocks and Kendra four. Each can only do a maximum of six, as Philo puts it. This Roadblock will involve staring at Philo's crotch... oops, sorry, I am distracted for a moment by that thing Philo is wearing that draws my eyes to right there. Anyway, the Team member will have to go to the roof of a nearby 40-story skyscraper and then, after gearing up in window-washer outfit, gets lowered by a harness until he or she is is at a level to clean a marked window high up from the group. Once the window is cleaned, the Team member will be able to read a message on the window pane. When this message is relayed correctly to the Roadblock supervisor, he will hand over the next clue. Freddy says that Kendra will have to do it, which makes sense because it is unwise for him to use up all his allocated six Roadblocks and leave Kendra to face the final two Roadblocks on the Race. They get a cab to the skyscraper and Kendra tells the camera that this is a good opportunity for her to confront her fear of heights. Freddy reassures her that she will do fine. And then they realize how close the skyscraper is and wish that they have just walked there, heh.

Next to show up at the Tower are the Mollywoods. Hayden sees just who it is that have just been Yielded and goes gleefully, "Hah! HAH!" I don't think she likes those two very much. When they locate the clue stand and read about the Roadblock, Hayden says that Aaron will have to do this one. If you haven't been keeping score, previously Aaron has completed five Roadblocks and Hayden four. This will be his sixth Roadblock so after this leg, Hayden is completely on her own. Aaron doesn't look too happy but I don't think he can do anything about this. I mean, we have all seen Hayden at the top of that coconut tree in the previous episode. That wasn't a pretty scene. Hayden at the top of that skyscraper would result in the tenants of that skyscraper having to replace all those expensive windows.

The Templates are getting to see more of Shanghai than they'd like to. Just where is their cab driver taking them, anyway?

The Mollywoods decide to run to the skyscraper so they manage to get there before the Fre&Ks (whose cab have to stop at the designated spot at the back of the building). Aaron gets into the building and up the elevator to the roof. Hayden has to wait at the ground for him to complete the Roadblock. Just then, the Goth-Nots show up and misunderstanding their clue, they think that the clue stand is somehow inside the building (they spot the red and yellow flags at the entrance of the building). Hayden, seeing them, quickly runs to hide behind a potted plant. What cracks me up is that she is wearing bright bubblegum pink so it's not as if she's going to be well-camouflaged behind that pot. She tells the camera that she intends to hide from the Goth-Nots and then flees at the earliest opportunity so that the Goth-Nots don't get any idea as to where they should go. Since the Goth-Nots should not go into the building, won't it make more sense to sabotage them better by actually standing there and encouraging the Goth-Nots to go up and do the Roadblock? I can't imagine what the penalty will be for skipping not only a clue stand but also a Yield. The Fre&Ks then show up and Kendra heads into the elevator.

The Templates are getting there, although where exactly "there" is is open to debate.

Aaron and Kendra gear up for their Roadblocks. Kendra is doing those weird warm-up exercise thingies to get herself ready. Down below, the Goth-Nots spot the Yield stand and realize that their worries are not for nothing. "Thanks, Freddy," Adam Ant says dryly. Well, he wouldn't have if Adam hadn't done it first so I'm sure Freddy would've said that he is welcome if Freddy is around. Rebecca tells him to turn the hourglass and he quickly obeys. And then they wait. Up high, Kendra says that she is scared to look down but hey, Shanghai is beautiful, ooh. She is told that she must stop at the window under a red tape. Aaron descends the wall and Kendra asks for a hug from the man giving her instructions because she is so scared. Oh, princess, really! The man, however, is too happy to oblige. Freddy, watching Aaron climbing down, wonders what Kendra is doing to take so long. Why, she's in the embrace of another man, Freddy.

Finally, the Templates reach their destination. They pass the Yield stand and the surly Goth-Nots standing at their designated spot and express relief that they are not the ones being Yielded. When they get out of their cab, Kris tells the driver, "Dude, you suck!" Adam Ant sees that exchange and says that this is the first time he has seen those two so "upset". Dude, I know! I'm in shock myself. Jon says that the driver sucks and I'm starting to see a pattern here - those two Templates must share the same thought bubble. Adam cracks that this is the first time he has seen any emotion from Jon. Dude, I know, I know! Isn't that hilarious?

Up there, Aaron reaches the designated window and starts cleaning it. Kendra slowly lowers herself down. Down there, Adam Ant starts saying that the Fre&Ks should have Yielded the Templates and that the Fre&Ks are fools for not thinking "strategically". I agree that the Fre&Ks shoud have Yielded the Templates but then again, with all the bunchings going on in this season, strategy seems to have very little to do with winning. Besides, Adam is the one to talk. His "strategy" in Yielding the Fre&Ks is what results in this revenge Yield. Up there, Aaron is done with the cleaning and the words he uncovered is "tai chi". He begins lowering himself to the ground. Down there, Rebecca says that Adam has done five Roadblocks while she has done three (they skipped one Roadblock by taking the Fast Forward, remember?) so she will have to do this one. Adam Ant wishes that he can see Kendra crying. Maybe he's hoping that it will be funnier that the time when he was in that ancient diving suit and he was screaming and crying like a baby while flailing on the surface of the sea.

Kendra is whining that the wind is blowing too hard and her squeegee may not be working. But she is nonetheless cleaning the window as she whines and moans. Down there, the Templates share a kiss before Kris walks through the elevator. Kendra then finishes cleaning and starts to lower herself down just as Aaron hits the ground. Hayden runs to Aaron and really overdoes that girly thing by asking Aaron, "Is it scary? Could I have done it?" Aaron doesn't even look at her. He looks at the clue he has received from the Roadblock supervisor and just says, "No." Swoon, he is so hot when he's in that mood. Their clue tells them to head over to the Bund and locate the Monument of People's Heroes. There would be a group of tai chi practitioners there and the Teams will have to search among these people for one of the four "masters" that are holding their next clue. I don't think Philo is asking the Teams to forcefully manhandle the tai-chi practitioners and forcefully conduct a body search on them although the clue can easily be misinterpreted that way.

Freddy asks Aaron whether Kendra is having problems at the Roadblock and Aaron assures him that she is right now coming down, which she is. Freddy passes Jon to reach her as she reaches the ground. Jon thanks him for not Yielding the Templates and they share a handshake and a laugh as Freddy says that he's more concerned with payback. I'm sure Jon is laughing at Freddy inside his head. Nah, I'm giving Jon too much credit.

Back at the Yield stand, a bizarre argument is taking place between the Goth-Nots. Rebecca is telling Adam Ant to stop being surprised that they are Yielded because the Fre&Ks would have wanted revenge all along while Adam Ant is arguing that what the Fre&Ks did was stupid, strategy-wise. These two are arguing over each other, with the both of them talking about two different things, but hey, whatever keeps them going, I guess. Rebecca tells the camera that the Fre&Ks should have Yielded the Templates because the Templates are a strong Team. Yes, yes, but why are they fighting over what the Fre&Ks should have done? These people can start a fight about anything and everything apparently. Amazing, truly.

Kendra gets the clue from the Roadblock supervisor and a kiss from Freddy. Freddy expresses surprise to the camera that they can get a cab easily from this area. Go figure. He suspects that their difficulty at getting a cab outside the Yu Yuan Garden has something to do with the rush hour. In their cab, they both laugh over her face when she was doing her Roadblock. He has a very nice laugh. Dang, he's really making it hard for me to choose between him and Aaron. In less interesting news, Kris finishes her Roadblock and gets the clue.

The Goth-Nots are still arguing when Rebecca realizes that their hourglass is now empty. Oh my, how long have they been arguing without noticing that they are free to go on their way? They quickly hurry to the skyscraper for the Roadblock. They have a boring exchange with Jon, asking him whether he is surprised at not being Yielded by the Fre&Ks. What can Jon say, really? He just says diplomatically that he knows it will boil down to either the Templates or the Goth-Nots. The Templates get into a cab while Rebecca starts to lower herself to her window. Adam complains to the camera that the Goth-Nots are behind everyone else. Hmm, that poor guy, maybe he should just quit?

The Mollywoods reach the Bund. The Bund is the life of Shanghai, by the way, with it being the hub for all kinds of business, politics, and social activities. The history of the Bund is fascinating if you care to read about it, and the dashing Chow Yun-Fatt even have a couple of great period movies revolving around the underworld of the Bund. The Mollywoods are somewhat confused by what they should do at the Bund and start looking around for anything that will help them figure it out.

Cab gab time. Kendra gloats that the Fre&Ks have Yielded the "little ones" and revenge has been served. Jon says that the Templates are fortunate that "Freddy's ego" has prevented the Templates from being Yielded. Actually, Freddy was thinking of Yielding the Templates back there but Kendra made the decision for him. I wonder why everyone thinks that Freddy makes all the decisions among the Fre&Ks. Just because Jon has a subservient, too-eager girlfriend who laughs extra-loud and extra-long to all his bad jokes while telling him that he is the best in everything he does, that doesn't mean the evil twin of his girlfriend behaves the same way towards Freddy. Kendra asks Freddy whether he's okay with them Yielding the Goth-Nots. What can he say? He tells her that he is perfectly happy with their action.

The Mollywoods are searching for the tai-chi practitioners. They should be looking for the Momument but I'm sure they know what they are doing, sigh. In their cab, Kris asks Jon how they will locate the "master" among the tai-chi practitioners. He says that they will "do tai chi on them or something". Kris then goes "Hiya!" and do some kung-fu moves that I strongly suspect is meant to be goofy. Just like the last very few attempts by this show to portray this team in a "humorous light", this latest episode of See How Funny They Are flops like an epileptic beached whale. Man, these two are so unbelievably corny when they try to be funny, I think they are better off just being bland and robotic.

As Rebecca slowly makes her way down after she's finished cleaning the window, Adam Ant stops a cab and puts their bags into the back. When she reaches the ground, he proudly tells her that he has gotten them a cab, kinda like a dog expected a pat in the head for bringing in the papers from the lawn. And then they too are off and away.

The Mollywoods locate the tai-chi practitioners and now walk among the white-clad folks while trying to figure out which one is a "master". The show has somehow managed to find some of the goofiest people in Shanghai that fit the Charlie Chan and Madame Moi stereotypes to portray the tai-chi practitioners. Think big teeth, short height, granny hair, and such. I'm impressed, really. If only they put the same effort into designing the Race! The Mollywoods just stop and ask randomly "Are you the master?" or "Do you have the clue?" Finally one guy has the clue and he hands it to them. The Mollywoods realize that they must now head on over to Jiang Pu Road some three miles away from here (a map is enclosed with the clue) for their next clue. Now where's the cab?

The Fre&Ks show up at the Bund and, like the Mollywoods, they can't seem to locate the tai-chi practitioners at first. Soon they locate these practitioners and after some asking around, the "master" in question. Freddy goes into a weird breakdown of sorts, laughing with relief and pressing his head into the man's shoulders. What's funnier is that the top of the master's head can barely reach the middle of Freddy's chest. Freddy has to bend down a long way. The Templates show up next and after some wandering around, locate the tai-chi practitioners and eventually the "master". The masters, by the way, are all men even if there are many women among the practitioners. I guess those Teams should have taken the word "master" more literally. They too get into a cab. Why can't the show make these people use a bicycle? That will be more interesting and besides, bicycles are all the rage in Shanghai.

Cab gab. Hayden asks her driver to go faster. Freddy thinks that the Fre&Ks' driver doesn't know where he is going but he hopes that the man can take them to Jiang Pu Road in a "timely fashion". Is it just me or is he asking too much from a man who doesn't know where to take his passengers?

The Goth-Nots arrive at the bund. The tai-chi practitioners who must have been sitting down and enjoying some tea sigh and resume posing and doing their tai-chi thing while waiting for the two silly twits to find them.

The Mollywoods arrive at the designated area on Jiang Pu Road and discover that it's now time for a Detour. Philo explains that in "Bricks", Teams must head over to a brick factory. There, they must carry 300 bricks across a narrow plank to the warehouse where they must pile the bricks up to the satisfaction of the Detour supervisor. They will be using traditional carriers for this Roadblock, which is basically a pole carried over the shoulder with bricks loaded into the bag at each end of the pole. For "Ice" (hey, it doesn't rhyme with "Bricks"), Teams must travel to an ice factory and collect a block of ice each. Using bicycles, the Teams must deliver the blocks of ice to a designated warehouse some distance away in order to receive the next clue. "Brick" requires strength, "Ice" requires the Teams to travel longer distance and that is provided that they can figure out where the warehouse is. This is an "strong people" versus "people who have no choice but to hope that they can be very fast" Detour. The Mollywoods decide to pack the bricks.

In their cab, Kendra thinks that Shanghai is wonderful. Let me guess, she just learned of that one-child rule they have in this city? Seriously, of course she'd love Shanghai. It's one of the most modernized cities in China so she's in her comfort zone here.

The Templates' cab driver is taking them to la-la land.

Rebecca is telling Adam to look for a man among the tai-chi practitioners because the clue says to look for a "master". Normally she'd most likely be wrong but in this instance, she's right as the "master" in question is indeed a man. Sometimes Rebecca is wise in the most unexpected (or accidental) ways. She tells the "master" that he looks like her yoga instructor. He just hands over the clue to her, no doubt relieved that he can pack up now and go home to tell the neighbors about these strange Americans.

At the brick factory, the Mollywoods are getting ready to carry the bricks. Aaron tells Hayden that she can carry twenty bricks each time. The Fre&Ks show up at Jiang Pu Road and they decide to pack the bricks. As for the Templates, they have passed la-la land and are now approaching meltdown point. Back to the Mollywoods, Hayden is calling out to Aaron because she is having problems carrying her bricks. I can never understand the reasoning behind her screaming "Aaaaa-ron! every time she encounters problems. What is she trying to do, apart from destroying my eardrums? Does she expect Aaron to come over to her rescue and take over the carrying of the bricks from her? He has to carry his share of the bricks too. In their cab, Adam Ant vows that he will get back at the Fre&Ks somehow. Now he's talking strategy, ooh!

The show then launches into an impromptu Hayden Is Stupid montage, with a series of scenes of Hayden non-stop complaining to Aaron. Aaron, the bricks are heavy, Aaron, her shoulders hurt, Aaron, she can't do this, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron, AAAAAA-ROOOOON - you get the idea, I'm sure. She just cannot shut up and I really don't know how Aaron can put up with her constant whining and complaining. The factory workers laugh and point at her. I don't blame them. It's like watching a gorilla running loose and acting stupid. Kendra is also getting short-fused and she takes offense at the tone of Freddy's telling her how to carry the bricks. This is a brick factory but there are some loud fishwives in the house.

Jon is melting down too. He even imitates the cab driver's "Okay, okay, okay!" as he glares angrily at the back of the cab driver's head. I'm surprised that Kris isn't massaging his shoulders and telling him to think optimistic thoughts. What kind of dutiful girlfriend is she if she can forget this important responsibility of hers?

Hayden puts her bricks down at the warehouse and wearily notes that the Mollywoods have collected 148 bricks. Of which, I suspect 128 must be carried by Aaron. Freddy passes her and tells her that maybe it's a good idea to carry fewer bricks each time.

Even Kris looks like the only optimistic thoughts she is thinking are images of the cab driver sinking into the sea with a bag of bricks tied around his neck. They have overshot the road by who-knows-how-far and must now go back.

Hayden is screaming to Aaron. Apparently she is carrying too many bricks now, as Freddy told her, and... I don't know, really. Maybe she wants Aaron to take away some of her bricks because for some reason she can't put down some of those bricks herself. Aaron, Aaron, Aaron, wah wah wah, moan moan moan. It is enough to drive anyone crazy.

Jon orders the driver to stop. He gets out of the cab and shoves the map to the cab driver. He asks the driver where the spot he is pointing (Jiang Pu Road) is and the driver points at a direction that is completely different from the one he is taking them. This leads Jon to explode - as much as he can explode without actually exploding, that is - and tell the driver off for taking them to the wrong place. "Hey, Holmes, you are taking us in the wrong direction!" he tells the driver. Holmes? Back in the cab, Kris says, "I can't believe this." Even stress cannot bring out anything but the standard set of ten or so phrases that Kris has in her personal vocabulary. I hope it's because she is camera-shy and not because she is genuinely incapable of having a vocabulary outside "awesome", "dude", and other usual surfer-dude lingo.

In a move that sends column inches of rationalization and justification from their overzealous fans, Kris tells Jon not to pay the driver once they reaches Jiang Pu Road. Jon does pay, throwing the money at the driver's face. I tell you, if this is Kendra telling Freddy not to pay and Freddy throwing the money at the driver's face, these irrational fans would be screaming for blood.

Back to the brick factory. After plenty of moaning and bitching from Hayden, the Mollywoods finish finish the Detour and get their clue. The Mollywoods must now head to the Shanghai Peace Hotel (the South Building in this case), a five-star hotel, and go to the roof where Philo and the VIP is waiting. Yes, this is the Pit Stop for this leg of the Race. It's only three miles from where they are right now. Aaron asks his cab driver whether the man knows where the hotel is. Oh please, a cab driver not knowing where the most prominent hotel in the Bund is? Of course he does. Aaron lifts his arms and goes, "Yeah!" That's impressive and sexy, really, but maybe he should save the theatrics for the Pit Stop.

The Templates show up at the Brick Factory (yes, they choose "Bricks") just as the Mollywoods are leaving. Their cab ride fiasco isn't as bad as the editing suggests, I suspect, seeing how the Templates catch up quite quickly with the Fre&Ks. The Goth-Nots show up soon after (yes, they also choose "Bricks"), a fact which causes Kendra to pout and say that the "little ones" are here. What is all that "little ones" about? Kendra and Freddy sound like they're at least one hundred years old and bitter every time they call the Goth-Nots "little ones". While the Templates predictably shoulder on like the troopers they are, Adam Ant just as predictably start faltering at the task.

Finally, the Fre&Ks deliver their last batch of bricks and receive their clue. They take off. Ahead, the Mollywoods urge their cab to go faster. Back at the brick factory, Adam is giving Hayden a run for her money. When Rebecca tells him to hurry up, adding "honey" at the end of her wheedlings to sweeten the blow, he tells her to stop calling him "honey". In fact, don't talk to him at all! She says, "Alright, ass!" She then laughs because she wants the world to know that she has cracked a funny. She should learn from Adam on how to be funny because Adam's rejoinder that he likes that better than honey is actually. It's all in the delivery, I must say. Rebecca is too self-conscious when it comes to dishing out the one-liners. Adam is funnier. Too bad he is also a trainwreck in every other way.

In their cab, Freddy points out that the Templates and the Goth-Nots arrive at the same time so the last place of this Race is up for grabs between the two Teams. He sympathizes with the Templates' cab luck. How does he know that? He isn't there to witness the Templates' bad luck with cab drivers. Hmmm.

The Templates finish the Detour while the Goth-Nots are still a hundred bricks short. Ahead, the Mollywoods and the Fre&Ks are looking intense as their cabs zoom towards the Hotel. Or maybe not so intense, because the Mollywoods are comfortable enough to joke about Hayden's flaws. She jokes that she is "wild, crazy, and neurotic". The thing is, she thinks that everyone is laughing good-naturedly along with her. Aaron adds that she is also sexy on top of that. He is dead to me now.

Freddy hopes aloud that the Fre&Ks will reach the Pit Stop in an "expeditious manner". Hmm, I love a man who speaks like that, especially when a certain Mr Crumbaugh with his lamentable taste in women is so dead to me now. Behind them, the Templates get a cab and Kris hopes that this driver knows where he is going. Optimistic thoughts, Kris? That's good. The Goth-Nots finish the Detour, earning Adam a kiss from Rebecca. She complains that his stubble irritated her. Well, that's what she gets when she kisses an ass.

The Mollywoods reach the hotel, goes up the elevator, and wins a trip to "beautiful Hawaii" from Philo for being the first team to arrive. Shame about Chow Yun-Fatt not being the VIP, really, because what is the Bund without the man himself? Aaron says that the Mollywoods is "hitting stride". Wait until Hayden experiences her next meltdown, I'd say. The Fre&Ks are next, team number two, and they gloat once more about giving a little payback to the Goth-Nots.

Adam Ant in the cab blames the Yield for their coming in last and vows to beat the Fre&Ks given the chance. Ooh, I sense a showdown in the future. The Templates' cab pulls up and, as the editing suggests, the Goth-Nots' soon after. The Templates are nearly run down by a cab and then a bus as they dash across the street to the hotel. The Goth-Nots cross the street with less drama. In the elevator, Jon sighs about the cab drama they have had and Kris naturally comforts him by getting onto her knees and... um, yes, I'm joking. The Goth-Nots are in an elevator too. It's obvious that the editors are trying to pull a fast one on me, and doing it badly at that, because if this is a close race between the two Teams, they would have bumped into each other in the hotel lobby. The two Teams aren't even seen in the same frame even once, so it's not too suspenseful when the Templates step up to Philo as team number three.

Because this is one leg where there is a Yield and only a few bunchings instead of ten so a Team may be eliminated as a result of some fun drama, the show can't have that so this is a non-elimination leg. Yes, this sucks, just like how it sucked when Colin and Christie had that classic meltdown with the ox only to be undeservingly saved by a non-elimination round. So as usual, this episode is completely pointless because teams ended up in pretty much the same position as they started out at because there is no elimination, no lesson learned, nothing. Oh, except that the Goth-Nots have to surrender all their money but I'm sure they will have no problems getting money back. They're in Shanghai. They're staying at a five-star hotel. Rebecca says that the Goth-Nots are as good as the other Teams and she and Adam Ant will show them, blah blah blah, and I'm tuning out.


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