The Amazing Race 5: Episode 2
Woosh and a dramatic clang and then it's Philo "The Basket, The Basket!" Koughie's manly voice doing the "Previously" thing he's being paid to do. Highlights from last week include a short woman carrying a dead cow on her back, a wounded knee, and nice guys finishing last and being poorer by a million bucks in the process. Who, Philo asks, will be eliminated tonight? I wish it is those jeans he is wearing, but eliminations on this show never go the way I want them to, drats.
Credits. I love how there are so many guys who are remotely hot getting shirtless in the credits. That's why I watch this show. That, and the fact that this is still the best reality TV show around, naturally.
The camera zooms in on the Pit Stop where the Racers are now resting before the next leg of the Race, Casa Pueblo. Philo emerges wearing something and a pair of jeans, the latter nicely making a case for intriguing basketplaces everywhere. Um, yeah. He waxes poetry about Casa Pueblo - something about some local artist building an unique basket, I mean, homestead - and the camera zooms in on the happy, relaxed Racers. Brobbie of the Friends of Gulliver is making kissy-wissy gestures with her mouth to Gout of Pout and Gout. What a hussy. One minute she's declaring her love for Philo and then she's flirting with an attention-starved old geezer.
12:48 am. Alison and her Donkey, having been the first to arrive at the Pit Stop, are the first to depart. Donkey rips open the clue envelope. They must travel by the designated vehicle waiting for them 75 miles to the capital, Montevideo (or "Monty Video" as Alison calls it), where they must find a foam club, the Shake Mega Disco. They stop naming clubs like that over here since 1969 when "Cha-Cha-Cha" went out of business once the last of its geezer patrons died of old age, but I guess the spirit of the cheese is still alive and well in Uruguay. At least until Rupert Murdoch buys over TV in Uruguay and starts showing enlightening cultural programs like The Casino and The Simple Life to the good people of Uruguay. Then the Shake Mega Disco will change its name to The Human Cesspit and ditch the foam for a BDSM theme. Anyway, back to the Shake Mega Disco, the Teams must push themselves through the dancing buffoons and scramble through a "mountain of foam" to find an inflatable globe. The Teams must "pop" the globe to get their next clue. Oh, and Philo tells everyone that Montevideo is pronounced "Mon-teh-vee-dai-oh". Tomayto, tomahtoe. Montyvideo, montehveedaioh.
As they drive, Alison says that she doesn't know where she is driving. She asks the Donkey to check the map. He, looking at the map with a look males tend to have when they try to look at a roadmap, snaps at her to shut up. Donkey tells the camera that they are fast because they keep pushing each other to go fast. Alison says that yelling is their primary method of communication and hey, it's getting the job done. Heh, I'll remember that at the end of this episode!
At 12:51 am, the Grouchy Fat Slobs are off. Munch is telling the camera that they are on a great start. Cut to a scene of those two staring stupidly at a dead end. Lance, the driver, yells at the fence, "What the hell is this?" The fence doesn't answer "Beats me, but you're ugly" but it would have if it could. As they drive away, Munch tells the camera that the Grouchy Fat Slobs run a pizza diner back home so they are at an advantage in this race, having experienced stress and dealing with it and all that. I guess that's what pizza delivery boys tell themselves too. One day, they'll be rich and powerful and people who disrespect them will eat their words. Oops, gotta run, gotta deliver the pizzas or the boss will fire their ass!
On the other hand, Alison and her Donkey are on a highway. A sign points to Montevideo so they are on the right track.
12:54 am. The Bates Sisters - in Bowling Mom T-shirts once more - are on their way. They waddle to their vehicles as Linda talks about how the Bates Sisters do very well together because they are such good friends that get along together so well. See, they even have the T-shirts to prove that, awww! They soon find themselves on the same highway as Alison and the Donkey, spot the roadsign pointing to Montevideo, and holler happily.
It is 1:05 am when love.com smooch on the starting mat. Yeah, yeah, I know they love each other, but all this kissing is starting to come off as a little too much on the exhibitionist side. At least the clothes stay on, I guess. Bob tells the camera that they are strong and they will show the young 'uns that they are not to be underestimated. He playfully asks Joyce to show her muscles, saying that she's got "guns", and Joyce happily obliges. They are a really cute couple.
It is 1:08 am when the Friends of Gulliver depart from the starting line. I don't know what to think. They are dressed up like they're going to a costume party where the theme is "the Addams family". Brobbie tells Lillie that they are going to "dance" so it's chop-chop, or "let's go" time. That's this team: they always say the strangest things in their oh-so articulate "I'm an Armenian Bridgette Bardot" way that I always crack up whenever I see or listen to them. But they also tend to whine and annoy me, so I really don't know what to think about this team. Brobbie tells the camera that the other Teams often underestimate them, thinking that they are gullible and weak, but yes, they will show those Teams. The Friends of Gulliver and love.com should get together and make a living planning pity parties for people who love to feel underestimated, overly defensive, oppressed, or bullied, real or imagined.
At 1:13 am, Moppet and Joan of Team God Loves Pretty People dash for their designated vehicle. I don't know what prompt her to say so, but she tells the camera that while she finds Moppet the type of guy she'd like to settle down with, she's not sure whether he's that guy she wants. Gee, what makes her think that I care about what or who or how or when or why she wants to marry?
Another reason why I am ambivalent about the Friends of Gulliver: they are simply, utterly hopeless in navigation as they find themselves staring stupidly at the same dead end as the Grouchy Fat Slobs find themselves at earlier. Team GLPP however have no problems finding the highway and the sign that points to Montevideo. Maybe they are just following the stench of donkey and fish made by the Alison and her Donkey vehicle. Speaking of whom, Alison and her Donkey are right down driving through Montevideo, looking for the Shake Mega Disco.
At 1:27 am, the C+Cs are off. To help viewers who still can't remember who this team is, Christie wears a short skirt that has "Texas" stamped on her backside. Okay, so where are her boobs from, then? Colin still rarely says a word as he's more intent on pouting at the camera and looking like the one that got away from The OC. Christie, on the other hand, says that they are a competitive team and they want to win. I yawn. Who is this team again?
One minute later, at 1:28 am, the Quotas are off. Chip Quota tells his wife as they dash for their vehicle that they are going to be the "Disco Daddy Domino" - I'm afraid I'm not hip enough to be familiar with that term - and tells the camera that while they have done everything wrong so far, he's sure that they will get in form and start kicking butts soon. I wonder what he will say next week. Yeah, yeah, one day they will start kicking butt, I know. One day.
At 1:29 am, the Downtown Hiltons are on their way. They point out that they are given $136 for this leg of the Race by the Fibonaccian planners of this leg of the Race and one of them tells the camera that they get along well with the Quotas. In fact, the Downtown Hiltons love the Quotas. As evidence, I am shown the two Teams making a plan to find Montevideo together since Chip Quota says that he knows the way out of this place and the Downtown Hiltons say that they know where to go to get to Montevideo. Alas, it isn't long before the Quotas realize that they have lost the Downtown Hiltons. Or maybe the Downtown Hiltons lost them, one of the twins in question speculates as she turns around and realizes that the Quotas are not behind him. This leads to some early morning bickering between them, when the one in the backseat snaps because the one in the driver's seat is doing something that displeases her. As they argue, they tell the camera that when they don't get along, they can really get ugly with one another. Sigh, I miss those pretty boy twins who don't fight so much that they used to have on this show. Where are the pretty boy twins?
At 1:39 am, Pout and Gout are off. Guess what Gout talks about to the camera. I'll give everyone a hint: it rhymes with "kill me". Pout tells the camera that she just wants them to get to the finishing line fast so that "these healthy, fast teams will be rather embarrassed that a couple of gimps beat 'em". While I admire her honesty when it comes to her lack of physical beauty (gotta love a woman with the self confidence to accept her flaws!), there's something rather creepy about a woman who describes herself as a "gimp".
The Bates Sisters actually beat Alison and Donkey as they are the first to pull up outside the Shake Mega Disco. I really don't know how to describe the corny interior other than to say that even I, an octogenarian in the making, is hip and trendy enough to be embarrassed to be seen inside that place. It's "hip" only in the sense that the 1970s are still "hip". As Linda Bates locate her clue, Alison and her Donkey begin pushing their way through the crowd. Alison is probably wondering why this place looks familiar. Oh, yes, this place reminds her of an equally "hip" and "trendy" place: the Belly! The excited Bates Sisters realize that they must drive around a hundred miles and then travel by ferry to Buenos Aires, Argentina.
Linda Bates say that it was wild back inside the club and they ought to open one in their Palmdale hometown. I'd love to see that. I can just imagine what kind of clientele that club will attract. Maybe it will have a bowling ring and a separate corner where people can get tattoos or attend knitting lessons depending on what day of the week it is. Meanwhile, Alison and her Donkey also get their clue and head towards Buenos Aires where they would show the town their brand of star quality.
As the two teams drive along Route One to their ferry appointment, the C+Cs are on their way to Montevideo and drive past the Friends of Gullivers. Brobbie yells at C+C Colin (who's driving) that he's exceeding the speed limit ("You are driving over sixty! You can't pass me like that, you jerk!") and he waves hello at her in response. See what I mean? The Friends of Gulliver can be so unintentionally hilarious. Forgetting that they are in a Race, Brobbie whines about horrible people who break speed limits as she still drives slowly, at her own pace, to Montevideo. Lillie at the back reminds her that the speed limit is probably higher than sixty. Read: shut up and drive, buster. And hurry up!
The Grouchy Fat Slobs are in Montevideo by now, but they can't find the club. They go around, shouting, "English? English!" until a kind (if misguided) kid stops to help them. He doesn't know where the club is though and the two obnoxious assholes stomp away. Lance calls the locals "useless foreigners", completely unaware that he's the foreigner in this situation. Montevideo is so much bigger than my city and I don't know every nook and cranny in my city so it's quite ridiculous, if you ask me, to expect someone to automatically know the location of any and every place in his city. It will be perfect karmic justice if people turn into "useless foreigners" and can't find their way to his pathetic pizza hole. I bet he still call his fries "Freedom fries" and will burst a blood vessel if they have to travel past France.
It looks like the Quotas aren't bucking up yet because they are still looking for Montevideo. Kim Quota pushes her head out of the window and shrieks at a terrified-looking woman where the Shake Mega Disco is. Kim tells her husband that the woman looks at her as if Kim is crazy. Needless to say, they have to keep driving and looking. One of the Downtown Hiltons "flirts" with a local guy for directions and thinks that she is so good at it, not aware that the guy seems more keen of just getting away from the two weird sisters. The one in the front seat mocks the "flirty" one's way of saying "Gracias". If these two are master manipulators, I think I'm Mata Hari.
The GLPPs are in the Shake Maga Disco looking for their foam balls when Joan starts screaming for Moppet because some men are molesting her. It's probably more useful to kick the jerks in the groin instead of just standing there and screaming for Moppet, especially when Moppet just ignores her and looks for the inflatable globe (which, unknown to him, she is holding in her hands) but hey, to each her own. She moans that she had an awful experience in the club as they dash back out for their vehicle.
Meanwhile, Alison and the Donkey are arguing. They are probably lost and are taking out their frustrations on each other, as usual. He says that if she weren't blonde, she'd be stupid. The sad thing is, he probably thinks that he has just said something indescribably witty.
The C+Cs and Pout and Gout scramble around the foam club looking for the inflatable globes that hold their clues.
The Friends of Gulliver are still lost. I wonder why these twits didn't just follow the C+Cs when they passed the Friends of Gulliver earlier. Brobbie catches sight of a woman standing in what seems like a bus stop and points out to Lillie that the woman is wearing a "disco outfit". She stops the car and both women actually walk out of the car to approach the Disco Lady. What follows is a truly, comedically awful attempt at Spanish, the kind of "Spanish" that results when people just tag an "a" or an "as" at the end of an English word and pass it off as Spanish. "Donde es the discotheque?" Lillie asks the Disco Lady. The Disco Lady doesn't answer. Brobbie speculates that the Disco Lady must be a prostitute. As she and Lillie quickly walk back to their vehicle, Brobbie speculates to Lillie that the Disco Lady must be irritated because they are bothering her and "she has business to do". This team is freaking hilarious.
Alison and her Donkey have finally found their way to the ferry terminal. The Donkey decides to take credit for this and announces that he's a genius. Mocking him is like kicking babies. It's too easy, there's no glory in it, and frankly, it's just not worth the effort. They get tickets for the 4:30 am ferry. It is currently 3:30 am.
At the Shake Mega Disco, apparently a hang-out for disgusting men with roving hands, Kim Quota gives the guy who is feeling her inappropriately a hard shove and tells him to get lost. She tells Chip as they get into their vehicle that those men inside also tried to kiss her and calls the whole incident "disgusting". Meanwhile, Pout and Gout are still in the club, looking for clues, when the Friends of Gulliver finally walk in. Poor Lillie has a hard time wading through the foam - which reaches her waist - but they find their clue nonetheless just minutes after Pout and Gout depart. The crowd in the club cheer, apparently finding Lillie worth cheering. They have no concept of personal boundaries but they find the sight of a short person inspirational. I don't think I will ever understand these people.
In their vehicle, Brobbie laments over the fact that they actually fell behind a team that started out in last place. Whose fault is that, I wonder? Meanwhile, Pout is surprised that foam clubs exist and marvels that you have to go all the way to Uruguay just to find one. I'm probably just a little younger than Gout (honest) but even I know that there are foam clubs near my place. He should stop moaning about his damned knee and pay attention to the world around him more often.
C+C Colin buys the 4:30 am ticket for his Team. The GLPPs, the Bates Sisters, and the Grouchy Fat Slobs are also going to be on that ferry. Colin hopes that some teams will miss this ferry just to give his Team some advantage.
He may get his wish because the Friends of Gulliver are lost again. Yup, I'm serious. They have stopped their vehicle to approach a bewildered-looking fellow by the street. Brobbie and he have problems communicating, which isn't surprising as they seem to be speaking two different languages. Lillie says that she'll take over and then speak to the man in a third version of Spanish, complete with slow swimming motions with her hands. She is lucky that the man doesn't direct her to a swimming pool. He finally gestures and gives them some directions before fleeing for his life from these crazy women. Brobbie scratches her head and says that she doesn't understand a thing that has happened. Yeah, me neither.
The Downtown Hiltons, love.com, Pout and Gout, and the Quotas join the earlier Teams at the ferry terminal. The Friends of Gulliver, on the other hand, are still driving around. As the Teams at the ferry terminal happily note that the Friends of Gulliver are not among them, the Team in question stops to ask directions at a store. I really crack up because I can actually see the ferry terminal just a short distance away from them. These two are really hopeless! Lillie is losing her temper, telling Brobbie to hurry up. Brobbie whines that there is only so much that she can "give", sob sob sob. Lillie snorts at her, although she's looking more bemused than irritated at her cousin.
At 4:18 am, the other Teams begin boarding the ferry. They are cozily on board at 4:27 am when the Friends of Gulliver finally run into the terminal. The guy behind the ticket counter informs the Friends that they have unfortunately missed the first ferry. Brobbie wails that they have to board this ferry. "I can't go later!" she wails, "I have emergencia!" She looks at the man hopefully and asks, "Possibla boat stoppay?" Is that Spanish or a bastardized patois of Pig Latin? When that and her "Necesita emergencia sita!" fail to register on the man, she turns to Lillie and laments dramatically that she doesn't understand what the man is trying to tell her. Hubby and I are holding each other by this point and laughing until our stomachs hurt and tears roll down our cheeks.
Luckily for them, there is a female staff who comes up to Lillie, pats her rather condescendingly, and tells her and Brobbie that they can still board the ferry as it hasn't departed from the terminal yet. Lillie tells the camera that sometimes people see her and assume that she needs help because she is too weak to do anything by herself. In this case, I guess she should be grateful as she and Brobbie manage to board the ferry at the last minute, much to the disappointment of the other Teams. Brobbie tells the camera that the other Teams are dismayed to find the Friends of Gulliver having caught up with them. I don't think they are gunning for the Friends like Brobbie insinuates in her confessional, though. More likely they are just slightly disappointed that they are deprived of a team that is so far behind them that they don't have to worry too much for the rest of the Race.
Philo takes the opportunity as the ferry departs to step out and explain that Teams must now find the famous Recoleta cemetary and locate the basket, oops, tomb of Eva Peron, still the most well-known First Lady of Argentina to date. In an "uh oh" moment, C+C Colin asks a woman where he can find the tomb of Eva Peron and she tells him that the tomb is in the Chacarita cemetary. She even helpfully writes down the name for him. Meanwhile, a man tells Donkey that he must go to Recoleta to find the tomb of Eva Peron.
As the ferry docks, some Teams dash for cabs. "Tombo Eva Peron!" Brobbie tells her cab driver in her unique brand of Spanish, "and in front of these [cabs], fronto!"
Pout and Gout however are queuing up before the money changer's booth. He tells the camera that the Bates Sisters informed him while they were on the ferry that the locals don't accept American currency so here they are. The Bates Sisters, by the way, are nowhere to be seen. Hmm.
Meanwhile, the C+Cs get confirmation from their cab driver that he accepts American currency. They ask him to drive them to Chacarita.
Team GLPP asks their driver to take them to Chacarita as well, but the driver overhears that they are looking for Eva Peron's tomb and informs them that they should be going to Recoleta instead.
I'm sure all these teams must have gotten the same intel from the C+Cs as love.com, the Downtown Hiltons, and the Quotas all ask to be taken to Chacarita. Like the GLPPs, the Downtown Hiltons are saved when they let slip that they are looking for Eva Peron's tomb and the driver informs them of the correct location of the tomb. One of the sisters deduces that the woman Colin talked to must have confused Eva Peron with her husband, because Juan Peron's tomb is in Chacarita while Eva's is in Recoleta. I don't know how one can confuse "Juan" with "Eva", but hey, what's done is done.
Pout and Gout realize that they are the only teams queuing up to exchange currency and deduce that they have been played by the Bates Sisters. The camera cuts to Kathy going, "Yeah!" I seriously doubt that she's cheering about having taken Pout and Gout for a ride. The editors are starting to get sloppy here. Do they think I'm a sucker that can't see through their misleading editing? Have they been hiring interns from Fox Network?
In the cab, Donkey, for reasons only he will know, starts chanting, "Hustle! Hustle! Never ends!" Meanwhile, Brobbie looks out the window of her cab and cries, "Buenos Aires! I love! I love!" There is a musical in the making somewhere in there, I'm sure.
Alison and her Donkey are the first to arrive at Recoleta but they soon get confused by the labyrinthine paths. On the other hand, the Friends of Gulliver spot a coffin cart and Brobbie quickly yells at the driver that they have a short lady here who needs a ride urgently. With her drama queen shriekings, it's easy to see why the driver stops the cart quickly to allow the Friends to hop on. The Bates Sisters are close on the Friends' heels and they try to plant their butts on the cart too. Too bad, the Friends have the cart diver quickly pulling away without the Bates Sisters. Brobbie is telling the driver, "Ti amo! Ti amo! Rapido! Rapido!" Only in Brobdignag, I tell you.
The Bates Sisters laugh the whole thing off though, jokingly saying that the Friends of Gulliver are at a "disadvantage" but wow, those two are kicking the Bates Sisters' butts! Compared to some Teams' tendency to hold long and petty grudges, this cheerful ah-shucks-whatever attitude from this Team makes them even more likeable.
In their cab, Pout and Gout realize that the driver accepts American currency. Pout launches into an angry diatribe about how everyone is out to get them because they are weak. The logic to her diatribe is off, if you ask me, as shouldn't teams be working on picking off the strong teams? Gout says that they have been screwed and they will, he concludes ominously, "deal" with this screwing.
The C+Cs, love.com, and the Quotas one by one realize that they have arrived at the wrong cemetary. Bob, on his ride to Recoleta, gloomily speculates that they are in deep trouble. This is one pattern I notice with love.com - when things are going well, they are all about being strong and lovey-dovey, but when things go wrong a little, they are pulling out the violins to play the song of gloom and doom. They ought to get a grip on themselves a little.
Back to Recoleta, the Friends of Gulliver hop off the cart right in front of Eva Peron's tomb. They spot the clue stand and grabs an envelope. It is time for a Detour. Philo comes out to explain that Teams must choose to do "Basket" or "Package", oops, "Perro" or "Tango". In "Perro", which Philo explains is Spanish for doggies, Teams must walk eight dogs across a route indicated on a map given to them. They must pass three checkpoints and collect the tag at each checkpoint. At the third checkpoint, they will be given the clue. The doggies are waiting for them right beside the cemetary. On the other hand, Teams doing "tango" must travel to a theater about half a mile away and using a photograph of a Handsome Dark Latin Lover, spot the man in question and he'll hand over the clue. Spot the wrong guy and he'll confiscate the photo and one would have to go back to the entrance and take another photo. Philo doesn't say what will happen if a Team wastes time rummaging through the photos for the hottest guy or worse, refuses to give the photo back to the production team.
Brobbie decides that they will do the tango even as Lillie, who has said so many times that she wants to prove that she can do anything, protests that she can't do the tango. Come on, Lillie, those male dancers' crotches aren't that scary to look at. Besides, who says anything about doing the tango? Read, Lillie, read the clue! Before they run off to get a cab to the Hot Tango Mango Club, Brobbie stops to thank Eva Peron for the clue. I told you she's nuts.
The Bates Sisters are the next to find Eva Peron's tomb. Since the dogs are just nearby, they decide to do "Perro". Alison and Donkey spots a cemetary cart - I'm sure it's the same cart that the Friends of Gulliver hitched a ride on - and hops on it, asking the driver to take them to see Eva Peron. The Grouchy Fat Slobs - eh, how did they get here? - are the third to get the clue, followed by the GLPPs. Both choose to do the Tango and dash away. Alison and Donkey get off the cart to get their clue and the GLPPs hop onto the cart. The driver probably regrets not charging for rides.
Ooh, cute doggies! But walking eight doggies is not so cute, however, as the Bates Sisters are finding out the hard way. Alison and her Donkey decide to "Perro" and they soon join the Bates Sisters. The C+Cs catch sight of the dogs as their cab whizzes past and Christie shudders at the sight, pointing out the dogs look like "a pain". The camera zooms on an adorable dog scowling at the camera. Don't worry, doggie, pay no heed to the jealous broomstick. Meanwhile, the Donkey tells Alison that she will handle the dogs while he reads the maps. Personally, I would have never, ever allowed a dumb lug like him to do any navigating, but I guess Alison is too involved in trying to stop the dogs from running around her (and getting her hopelessly entangled in their leashes) to argue with him. She shrieks at him to carry her bag for him. He tells her to shut up. The dogs look at her and bark, "Hey, you look like my mom! Is he your friend? I bet we're smarter than him!" Donkey tells her to follow him. She stumbles and struggles, but she manages to keep up with him. Only when he stops and confesses that he's not sure where he is going does she lets loose an angry groan and says, "Oh my God!"
The Friends of Gulliver spots the tango club, which turns out to be called the El Tango Theater. How creative. They literally twirl into the dark theater to the dancers doing the tango on stage. Brobbie and Lillie squint at the handsome dark men that make hearts a-flutter, spots the wrong dark, stubbled handsome dude, and gets their photo yanked out of Brobbie's hand. Brobbie tells the camera, "In haste, I gave it to someone. It was wrong." I don't know why she always speaks as if she's acting out a role in a Merchant and Ivory period piece, but I know how it feels to give it to the wrong dark and handsome guy who never calls the next day or even remembers my name and YES, IT WAS WRONG, SO SO WRONG - ahem.
The Bates Sisters aren't doing well and they suggest to Alison and her Donkey that the two Teams work together to make things "less stressful". "Less stressful" to "Alison and Donkey" is "world peace" to "Middle-East", but hey, some people will remain the eternal optimists, I guess.
The Downtown Hiltons finally locate the clue stand outside Eva Peron's tomb. They look at the map for the "Perro" detour and exclaims that this detour is so, so easy. What can go wrong? Plenty, as the next scene of Alison and her Donkey who are fast approaching ground zero shows. She screams that she hates him so much. He is still struggling to make sense of the map. I don't know why he doesn't ask people for directions. He tells the camera that he is getting angry at her screaming at him because she is not helping him in any way. I really don't understand why these two don't stop and ask for directions, honestly. I have a suspicion that these two dysfunctional losers actually enjoy getting into rough patches so that they can take it out on each other, as they are doing right now. As they continue to argue, the Bates Sisters aren't doing too well themselves.
The Friends of Gulliver locate the correct guy, this time a Clean-Shaven but Still Handsome Tango Mango Georg-o (hey, if Brobbie can do Spanish that way, so can I) and he gives them the clue. Happily, Brobbie cuts into a tango couple to dance with the man. I'd love her more if she pushes the woman off the stage first. Still, at this point I stop fighting my reservations about this Team. So they are inept and whiny, but what the heck, they are first-class comedy. Go, Friends of Gulliver, go win this thing! They run past Team GLPP on their way out.
Philo steps up to explain that Teams must now travel about 70 miles to the La Invernada, which he calls a "traditional Argentinian ranch", where the next clue awaits them. The Friends of Gulliver gets into a cab and tell the driver to fronto away.
The GLPPs spot the correct guy and get the clue.
The Friends of Gulliver learn that the cab fare is going to be fifty dollars. They aren't pleased with the amount, but Brobbie tells the camera that she is sure that they will be eliminated if they take a bus instead. I don't think that they will be eliminated as they are in first place, but it is better to be safe, I guess.
The Downtown Hiltons are struggling with the doggies. Unlike the idiot Donkey, however, the one doing the navigating latches on to someone who can help her make sense of the map. The dogs manage to trip the one holding them so that she falls onto the dirty ground. Dogs 1, stupid sisters 0.
The Grouchy Fat Slobs get their clue at the El Tango Theater. I'm so grateful to the show for showing me so little of these witless, obnoxious losers.
Alison snaps at Donkey to stop and ask people for directions. She then shrieks that her dogs are irritating the heck out her because two of them won't stop "having sex". There's a rather deep multifaceted symbolism to this scene that relates to their relationship, probably something about Alison not able to control Donkey and this forcing them to go down the drain. I'll leave the philosophical musings to people who actually care about this couple. She tells them that they haven't even passed a single checkpoint. "We're done!" she snaps at him.
He tells her and the Bates Sisters (who are watching in horrified silence all this while) that they will have to go back and do the Tango instead. The Bates Sisters agree. Anything to get away from these two, after all. The Downtown Hiltons on the other hand latch on a guy who leads them to the first checkpoint. They find a card at the checkpoint that tells them how to handle the dogs better. I have a feeling that the people who plan this leg of the Race are laughing at the Teams that choose this deceptively easy-looking Detour.
Alison tells her Donkey in their cab that she will "flip out" if their cab passes a checkpoint. He tells her that she doesn't scare him because he's used to her flipping-out antics. She calls him ignorant. He tells her that she's a "f**king embarrassment", which by extension makes him one too. She goes "f**k you" and calls him a loser. He repeats that she's a "f**king embarrassment". Eh, they sound like two silly children who can't even get that Angry Bickering Couple thing right. Maybe next time they should fight with a thesaurus on their side so that they can at least entertain me when they fight. Right now they come off as losers too boring even for Jerry Springer.
Pout and Gout and C+C are doing their "tango" thing. On the other hand, love.com chooses to do the "perro". I really don't know how the Quotas always manage to end up last - did their cab break down along the way? - but they are. They decide to do the "tango". Pout in her cab tells the camera that she's surprised that they manage to beat some teams despite having wasted time at the queue for the money changer. I am too. The Teams this season are more inept than those in previous seasons. Where do they find these people?
Joyce of love.com says that Bob loves dogs so she's confident that they will have no problems with this particular Detour. The Downtown Hiltons are not so sanguine though as the one holding the dogs is screaming at those poochies who refuse to obey her when she tells them all to go to hell and die. Her sister smirks at the camera and whispers that the screaming dog-hating sister is the one that wanted to do this Detour in the first place. She's such a supportive sister. I bet she'll cheer and dance when the court jails her sister for doggy homicide because she gets to keep their bedroom all to herself from now on.
Pout and Gout's cab are approaching the El Tango Theater when they see Alison and her Donkey and the Bates Sisters trying to cross the street. They tell their driver not to slow down to let those two pass. It doesn't matter though because those two Teams on the street make it into the theater first. Alison and her Donkey identify the correct dancer at first try. The Bates Sisters have no such luck.
The Downtown Hiltons' guide leads them all the way to the third checkpoint. The dreadful sisters can't even sound sincere in their declaration of love and gratitude to him.
Pout and Gout get their clue. The Bates Sisters fail again. These ladies should have practised by going to clubs or beaches and study the hot young men there very closely. I'm sure their husbands won't mind. This is all for a million bucks after all. Pout and Gout ditch the bus in favor of a cab.
On the other hand, the idiot Donkey insists that he and Alison take a bus. He says that he has only twenty dollars with him - what happened to the rest of the $136 they started out with? - so they should save money. Alison is too bitter or too tired to argue with him so they take the cab to the bus terminal in silence. The C+Cs get their clue too at the El Tango Theater. Finally, the Bates Sisters succeed in identifying the correct hunk and get theirs too - the clue, that is, ahem. It's cabs for these two teams all the way to La Invernada.
Let's see what the Friends of Gulliver are up to. In their cab, they are pleased to be the first Team and they crow that they want to show the world that everyone else follows them. Yeah, everyone is following them and telling them to Shut The Hell Up Already. Hot on their tails are the GLPPs. Moppet says to the camera that the Friends of Gulliver are "fast". It's more like "lucky" to me. And then they are at La Invernada and it is time for a Roadblock. The Friends of Gulliver realize that this Roadblock calls for someone with "quick hands and quick feet".
Philo steps up and thrusts his package, er, explains that the one member from each Team must play a "traditional" game played by Argentinian children, namely, he or she must approach a herd of calves and somehow remove a red cloth from the neck of one of these calves without tackling, pulling, or performing any other forms of abuse on these calves. The ranchhand will hand over the Clue to the Racer once this task is successfully performed.
Moppet will perform the Roadblock for his Team. The Friends of Gulliver at first isn't sure who should perform the Roadblock. Brobbie says that she will do it, but Lillie warns her that she may have to stick her hand "in the cow's ass". I imagine these two at home, watching The Simple Life on TV. Lillie would go, "Ohmigod, she puts her hand up the cow's ass!" to which Brobbie would gasp and say, "Oh no, will they have to cut off her hand, you think? How horrifying!" Anyway, Brobbie actually considers Lillie's warning seriously and asks Lillie whether she can stuff her hand up a cow's ass. Do these two seriously expect to look for their clue in a cow's ass? Wow. Lillie, who can do anything, tells her that she doesn't have "quick feet", which doesn't actually answer Brobbie's question. Anyway, it's not as if Lillie's hand is long enough for the job, she may have to use her head instead. They finally decide on the obvious: Brobbie is doing the Roadblock.
The Quotas and the Downtown Hiltons decide to take a bus to La Invernada, having completed their Detours. Meanwhile, Alison and her Donkey are already at the bus terminal, boarding their bus. Alison says that they cannot afford to make one more mistake. Donkey is worried that they are last because they can't see any other Teams around the bus terminal. See, that's probably because the Quotas and the Downtown Hiltons are getting tickets for an express bus, as we see next, while these two idiots are taking a regular bus that makes a zillion stops along the way. Oops.
In the express bus, both the Quotas and the Downtown Hiltons share uncomfortable silence. The Quotas haven't forgiven the Hiltons for losing them in the beginning of this episode while the sisters seem clueless as to why the Quotas are glaring at them funny. One of the sisters tells the camera that the ride is uncomfortable because while the Quotas are "such good people", the sisters have to beat them. I don't follow her train of non-logic there at all. Is she saying that the Quotas are glowering at them because the Quotas are mad that the sisters are going to beat them?
Finally love.com hands over the dogs to the handler at the third checkpoint and receives their clue. Joyce tells the dogs to "vamoose", leading Bob to comment that all the dogs' "vam" has "moosed". Cute. They take a cab, unlike other losers who prefer to take a bus.
The Grouchy Fat Slobs whine because their cab needs to fill up the oil tank and they complain that it is taking "forever" to do so. I'm so glad that I see so little of them this week because this little is already too much for me to take.
Gout, having used up his Wounded Knee claim to fame, pounces on his not-so-literal wound, complaining that the Bates Sisters' telling them to change their currency is a "bloody lie". Instead of moaning and groaning, why not have a heart-to-heart chat at the Pit Stop? Oh, and shut up. Kathy Bates says that it's been one long day, not necessarily for the best.
Moppet doesn't have much problems grabbing a bandana. Brobbie, predictably as I've seen what cows can do to her last week, is afraid to go near the calves. Finally, seeing Moppet getting his bandanna, she hesitates only a little longer before reaching out and grabbing a bandanna for herself. Then both teams are off. Their clue tells each Team to get on a horse-carriage and let the driver take them to the Pit Stop for this leg of the Race, the La Portena. This Pit Stop is a fabulous mansion located in the middle of a lush estate just two miles from La Invernada. The GLPPs are the first to depart. Brobbie tries to encourage her Team's carriage to go faster by asking the driver to "rapido" in between making scary kissy sounds at the horses. I guess the notion that she may be terrifying the poor horses into paralysis never occurs to this kookier-than-kooky woman.
Alison points out to Donkey while they are on the bus that they have enough money to take a cab. He tells her that he doesn't care how much she's trying to blame him for their mess. They argue some more, ending with her saying that they are in this mess because she doesn't control him more. He calls her a psycho. I don't like these two, but I'm actually feeling embarrassed on their behalf that people have to see them both behaving like this.
The GLPPs and the Friends of Gulliver arrive at pretty much the same time and it's a footrace to the Pit Stop and, er, yeah, a footrace. Quick, guess which team is first, and while we're at it, stop sniggering, people. I sincerely hope that this won't be a foreshadowing of the Final Two. The GLPPs are first (duh) and they embrace the Friends of Gulliver in a "good job" gesture. Brobbie tells Philo that she smells better this time - at least, she doesn't smell like beef now - and gives him a big hug. Joan of the GLPPs tell the camera that the Friends of Gulliver are one tough team. Lillie repeats to the camera that she wants to show the world what she can do and the world sits her down and forces her to watch what she hasn't done on this show before forcing her to eat the Shut Up Now pie.
Pout grabs the bandanna - she and the calves have a repartee going after all - and they are off. Gout says that Pout is the leader of this Team. Whatever, really. Kathy Bates grabs her bandanna and Linda laughs and claps, saying that Kathy has "outsmarted" a cow. Now this is what I call a fun Team to watch! No bitterness, just good-natured sporting attitude all the way. (I am skeptical about the whole currency exchange thing because this show doesn't let me see the actual conversation between the two Teams on the ferry regarding this. I'm not convinced that this isn't a simple miscommunication problem.)
Pout and Gout - team number three.
Bob grabs a bandanna too, and Joyce as always cheers him on. C+C Colin grabs his too and Christie cheers. I have a "Ghosts Present and Future" moment, watching these two.
The Downtown Hiltons and the Quotas get off their bus and now they must take a cab to La Invernada. However, there is only one cab at the bus terminal. One of the sisters - let's just call her Curly - and Chip Quota dash for it. Meanwhile, the Grouchy Fat Slobs' cab are finally done with the oil thing and those two idiots bitch and bitch and bitch about how much time they have lost. How wonderful. Back to the clowns at the bus terminal, Chip Quota reaches the cab first but as he talks to the driver about fare and what-not, Curly climbs onto the backseat and declares that the cab is hers. That is not cool. Chip says that he is not giving up this cab, so he plonks his butt down next to Curly and refuses to even look at her. It's a stalemate and nobody wants to give in.
Alison and her Donkey finally get off their bus. Bicker, bicker, bicker. Ugh.
The Quota-Hilton standoff is aborted before bloodshed happens when Kim Quota catches a cab that pulls up behind the first cab and Chip moves to join his wife. They urge the cab to overtake the Downtown Hiltons' cab. One of the Downtown Hiltons remarks that things have "turned really ugly just now". Well, she should've "flirted" and "manipulated" Chip then, shouldn't she? Silly creature. Besides, this is the second time the sisters inadvertently screw over the alliances they are in. That should say something about their way of doing things, surely.
The Bates Sisters - team number four.
Lance grabs the bandanna, telling his fellow Grouchy Fat Slob that he really disagrees with the "running thing". He thinks he's witty saying that. Well, I don't agree with the running thing as well, along with other things that have anything to do with Munch and Lance. These two are absolutely disagreeable.
Chip Quota urges his cab driver, named Eduardo, to pass the Downtown Hiltons. After exchanging knowing glances with the other driver ("Crazy Americans!"), Eduardo overtakes the other driver. "Eduardo, we pass them!" Chip Quota happily tells his driver. For all their lousy gameplay and wretched slowness, this Team appreciates a good cab driver and that's a good thing. Meanwhile, the Downtown Hiltons moan that Chip is an "entirely different person" now because he dares to beat them in the Race and they don't like Chip anymore. I'm sure Chip cares about what they feel towards him.
love.com - team number five.
The Quotas and the Downtown Hiltons say hi to the calves.
C+C - team number six.
Chip rather pettily grabs the bandanna one of the sisters is trying to get. Heh.
Alison and her Donkey reach the calves.
The Grouchy Fat Slobs step on the Finishing Mat - seventh. Gah.
Donkey gets the bandanna as the Quotas and the Downtown Hiltons race to the Pit Stop. It's quite anticlimatic - the Quotas are eighth, to their surprise; the Hiltons ninth, to their relief (they console themselves by insisting that they played fair, whatever that means); and Alison and her Donkey are given the heave-ho. He tells her that she has "disappointed" him "severely", as if he's in any shape to talk after making such bad judgment calls for their Team, and she walks away from him without a word. They talk about their relationship in a quick introspective moment, not that I care. I mean, I don't like Alison, but frankly, after watching this episode, Donkey is just as nasty as she is. The thing is, Alison may be shrewish, but she does have the brain to run this Race. Donkey, however, doesn't. She'd probably do better with a smarter partner, who knows? The fact remains, this is one team where the members bring out the worst in each other, and unlike Tarable and Wail of Season Two, their conflicts prevent them from working together and hence drag them down further when they make some mistakes on this Race. It's definitely for the best for them and for my nerves that they are eliminated at this early stage of the Race.
Search for more rubbish: