I Got Electrocuted!
The Amazing Race 5: Episode 3


It's a plane! Previously, Philo "Why Is Everybody Trying To Push Her Hands Into My Pockets Of My Jeans" Koughie discovers jeans and the world's a beautiful basket. Oh, and amidst a jumble of bad Spanish, "who let the dogs out" jokes, Eva Peron, and beautiful men doing the tango, Alison and her Donkey come in last and call it quits. It's about time. Let me pause for a minute to puzzle over how two fit and athletic Teams manage to get themselves eliminated over other older, fatter, or more inept Teams before we move to admire the credits.

Philo voices over that I am looking at Bueno Aires, the capital of Argentina, and the camera zooms over to La Porteno, which he describes helpfully as "a traditional Argentine estate", whatever the heck that means. After a brief shot of Racers relaxing, he wonders about the Downtown Hiltons-Quota feud (as if I care) before cutting to the chase and heading straight to the Race.

11:50 pm is when the first Team to arrive last week, Team GLPP, gets to go. Moppet opens the clue and stumbles over the instructions. They are to fly to San Carlos de Barilo in Patagonia. Hey, shouldn't a pair of models be familiar with well-known tourist locales in South America? Are they really models or (as I suspect) struggling aspiring models? Philo steps out in something brown and more of those jeans and - thank you, Philo! - explains that Teams must now travel back 60 miles to Buenos Aires where they will then fly a thousand miles - I know you can't do it, Lillie, but no, you're not expected to fly there by flapping your hands, so don't worry - to the Argentinian city in question. Philo helpfully points out that it is at the base of the Andes and the Argentinian Tourism Board slips him a five dollar note. The mayor is waiting in his office to give the Teams their Clue. He has all day - he has nothing better to do as he is just, after all, the Mayor.

In one of those adorable "Who gives a damn?" moments where Racers indulge in narcissistic introspection to make themselves feel important, Moppet explains that he and Joan have a relationship that is mostly long-distance (ssh, don't let them hear those nasty God and Virgin Mary jokes) so yes, I can they can say that this Race will be the litmus test to see how well they fit together. Yes, forget compatibility quizzes or just plain old sex - the Amazing Race is the ultimate relationship test and I'm sure the million dollars that will go to their urgent cosmetic surgery procedures have nothing to do whatsoever.

It is 11:51 pm when my favorite high-strung drama queens the Friends of Gulliver take a step forward. Another day, another step closer to a total emotional meltdown. As usual, they are dressed like some crazy tourists from some third-world country who have watched too much Grease and assume that all Americans dress up "fashionably" like that. As they disappointingly do not scream over the fact that they are given only eleven dollars for this leg of the Race, the camera goes to Lillie, who gives a confessional saying that they work well together and at the end of the day, they have each other. Since these two are systematically alienating every Team on the Race, it's safe to say that it is a very good thing that they do have each other at the end of the day, because I doubt that they will have anybody else. As Brobbie drives, she turns to the camera and after looking back at the GLPPs driving behind them, tells the camera that the Friends have an alliance with the fellow "God-fearing people" back there. They should fear God, if you ask me, because God will be very annoyed, I'm certain, at the number of times His name has been used in vain on this show. (Is this where I make a "God lives in Philo's jeans" joke? No? Okay.) Lillie notes that the ground is muddy - it probably rained heavily earlier - and tells Brobbie to drive on the grass.

The Moppet tells Joan to stop when he feels their vehicle slowly getting stuck in the mud on the road. Joan tells him that they just can't stop but he insists that they do. So they stop and their vehicle get stuck in the mud and they can't get going again even if God tells them to. But I'm sure God is happy because Joan agrees with Moppet and so this decision is blessed by the grace of God. Ain't that right, Moppet? Give your woman another condescending pat on the shoulder, you good man!

Brobbie catches sight of the two God-blessed ghouls struggling by the road and wonders whether they should stop. Lillie reminds her that they are allies with the GLPPs and allies help each other. So they decide to help by stopping their vehicle a distance ahead of the God-blessed mud-stuck hallelujah vehicle of piety and run down to, er, help, I think. Maybe they can use Brobbie as a pole and Lillie as the axle to make some sort of human jack that will lift the Vehicle of God's Love out of the mudhole. Hallelujah!

12:21 am. The self-proclaimed "comeback kids", as Pout calls the Pout and Gout team, are off. One moment she calls them gimps and now it's kids. Pout can't seem to make up her mind which demographic she falls into. That will teach her for not hanging out with the cool kids.

A tractor - sent by God, perhaps? - helps the GLPP Vehicle of Love out of the mud. The Friends of Gulliver help by gazing at the handsome kid manning the tractor so that he is energized to move faster. When the Tractor of The One True Deity tries to get the GLPPs' vehcile out of the mud, Moppet realizes that his shoe is muddy. Like any sensible religious man would do, he takes off the shoe and walks in the mud in his sock. And then he asks the tractor to pull the vehicle to some drier ground. This scenario looks like a scene out of a parody of Moses in the making, but I won't court bandwidth death by elaborating here and angering God-fearing folks out there.

Brobbie asks the GLPPs whether things are now okay. After getting the positive affirmative, the Friends of Gulliver waddle back to their vehicles. Lillie touches a wire fence and immediately screams that she has been electrocuted. Joan can't catch her clearly so Lillie cries out one more time that she has been electrocuted. What a daft cow, that Lillie. If she is electrocuted and can still yell after, the GLPPs would really faint dead from envy at Lillie getting the Jesus treatment from God. And then the two disparate teams, united by God, speed off with the Friends of Gulliver leading the way. Brobbie proudly tells the camera that they wanted to make sure that their "friends" were okay back then because they hope that "somebody" (read: GLPP) will remember to help them back when the time comes. At that moment, I start to believe the official CBS bio that says that Brobbie is a lawyer. But then again, the bio also says that this fronto stoppay team is well-versed in Spanish. Hmm.

Gout commends Pout for managing to avoid the mud on the road. If you listen carefully, that's the GLPPs screaming "Why, God, why?" because it's obvious now that God loves Pout and Gout more than they.

Brobbie asks Lillie where to go. Lillie doesn't even look at the map on her lap. She just tells Brobbie to go straight. Brobbie of course obeys. In the other car, Moppet observes that they actually have to make a left turn instead of charging straight ahead. Joan rather stupidly wonders where the Friends of Gulliver are going. To hell, of course. Moppet tells Joan that the Friends are definitely heading towards the wrong way. Naturally, they can't honk to alert the Friends or anything, no. Instead, Moppet tells the camera that they have made the left turn and then, realizing that the other teams are catching up and the Friends aren't showing up anytime soon (I guess the heavenly hotline isn't fully functioning), they really have no option but to keep going. Ah, the predictable weird self-justifications typical of people who go on a Race for money but insist that they are doing it for Love and God.

But the Friends aren't any better when it comes to being totally delusional. Brobbie realizes that they are lost - she should be used to being in that situation by now - and announces that they are lost because they trusted the GLPPs and the GLPPs have betrayed them. I for one can't see how the GLPPs betrayed them especially when (a) the Friends are in the leading car and (b) it is Lillie who told her to drive straight. The GLPPs aren't Judas, they are just smart enough not to follow the lemmings straight off the cliff.

12:28 am. The Bates Sisters giggle, woo-hoo, and nearly trip on their way out of the starting line. I like this Team but I'm starting to find their relentless perkiness a little on the creepy side. I can't help wondering what will happen if they lose it. Maybe they will keep giggling all the way as they bitchslap each other. At 12:31 am, love.com smooch as they leave. I bet they also smooch before they open the fridge, smooch as they make their nightly Ovaltine, and smooch before they take every sip. Kathy Bates asks Linda to drive carefully and Linda reminds her that Linda's middle name is Mario Andretti. Kathy tells the camera that the oh-so-vivacious Linda helps her get out of her shell. I bet their daughters are always terrified whenever their mommies host the neighborhood birthday parties because the mommies dearest will be prone to unpredictable antics after one too many Kool Aids and scare the kiddies away. Meanwhile, Joyce of love.com tells the camera that they are certain that one doesn't have to be physically fit to win the Race (they always say these things until they get eliminated because they lost to a pair of athletes in a foot race), one just has to handle stress well and think with a clear head. I wonder what she thinks of Linda Mario Andretti "I Drank All The Kool-Aids And Flashed The Neighborhood" Bates.

The Friends of Gulliver are asking for directions to the airport. Or, as Brobbie tells the bewildered lady who now wishes that she's just gone to bed an hour earlier, the "airo-puerta". While she's at it, has anyone seen my "panadola" because I have a "migraino"? Lillie doesn't give up. She stretches her arms to imitate an airplane and runs around in a small circle. She's a little plane, woo! At that point, Brobbie is in the car and barks at Lillie to just get inside the car now. Goodness.

The GLPPs walk into the airport and Moppet remarks that the airport seems "desolate". Now there's no one to play the Red Sea for them, bummer.

It is 12:32 am and it's time for the C+C to come out and play. Colin pouts as Christie tells the camera that they are working hard not to be last. Colin is obviously trying way too hard to channel that "agressive alpha silent cool dude" thing that he really should have outgrown since high school by saying that he is sure that they will win as he's sized up the competition. On one hand, I can see where he's coming from as two young and fit teams are already knocked out and the remaining competitors comprise of stumpies, drama queens, octogenarians, fat slobs, bowling moms, dim-witted twins, and a very slow married couple who aren't in the best of shape. But then again, Colin should realize that the fit teams are knocked out earlier than expected in this Race and there is no reason why the C+Cs can't face the same fate. And since his Team hasn't even cut the Top Five, he is the one to talk about winning at this early stage of the Race.

The GLPPs are on a phone to ask about flights to Patagonia. Okay, Moppet is told that they have to get to the Argentina Airlines counter - it's right behind them - and they have missed the earliest flight at 9:10 am because tickets are already sold out. Joan takes over the conversation and asks when the next earliest flight departs. 10:30 am, she's told.

Pout and Gout walk into the airport. Pout deduces that since Patagonia is in Argentina, they must get tickets from Argentina Airlines, just like how only American airlines go to American airports. Pout hogs the spot at the head of the line. The time is now 2:30 am. Nearby, Joan sighs in disappointment when she is told that she can't buy tickets over the phone. She has to now stand behind a fellow beauty pageant junkie and it must kill her to do so.

Still in the dark, love.com and the Bates Sisters find themselves lost and they are forming an alliance (blind leading the blind...) when lo, here comes the C+C! Even if the C+C have led love.com to the wrong cemetary last week, they still think that he knows where to go so they ask him to lead and show the way. Colin is so pleased when he tells Christie of his newly appointed Road Guide for Two Old Coots and Two Silly Bowling Moms like he's just been told that his penis is simply the longest and the thickest in the world. I suspect that underneath his forced Mr Cool exterior and that ugly mullet thing he's sporting, Colin is actually a very insecure boy with a microscopic penis. Colin tells the camera that he is helping people because he will be able to get them to help him back later. He and Brobbie is a match made in heaven. He'll be immune to her drama queen hysterics, she'll enjoy having a man who won't react to her nonsense because he thinks he's too cool for that, and they can both torture their friends with unreasonable expectations. He smiles at the camera in what he hopes to be a Cunning Cool Guy Smile, not aware of how silly he comes off as when he's trying to outcool two Teams that are... well, not cool. Adorable, yes, but cool, not that much.

12:41 am. The Grouchy Fat Slobs waddle out of the cesspit. They, as expected, have nothing but tedious bitchings for the camera. They are not bodybuilder types but they will stick around like the cockroaches they are. That means I am never getting rid of them. When this show is over, they may come over and permanently plant their butts on my sofa. And then I will have to beat them bloody with a garden gnome.

Thanks to C+C Colin, the Cool Leading The Blind temporary alliance are soon charging into the airport, with Linda Bates shrieking at the others to get tickets together. Otherwise, they may forget, see? Colin is so right about the importance of friends helping each other.

A kind stranger finally agrees to drive to the airport and let the Friends of Gulliver follow him. So much for wanting to show the world that people follow them, eh, ladies? They ought to work that map before they flap their yak, so to speak.

The airport officer tells the GLPPs that the ticket counters open at 4:00 am. They take their place behind Pout and tells her that the 9:10 flight is sold out but the 10:30 flight is still available. And then they also tell the Bates Sisters and love.com who join them in the line. All of them agree to nab the 10:30.

The Grouchy Fat Slobs have apparently moaned and wheezed and bitched too much that the vehicle gives way under the weight of their dispositions combined, because they have a flat tire. As I laugh and point fingers at them, they bitch and moan and bitch some more as they try to figure out how to change a flat tire using a manual.

At 1:08 am, the Quotas depart. Kim Quota says that they don't believe in alliances anymore as it's every Team for itself. They will just trust each other, she says. This is a very sensible thing to say. Unfortunately, the slowest team on the Race has to be the one saying it, sigh.

At 1:13 am, the Downtown Hiltons are finally on their way. They are worried because they are last, but oh, who cares? I don't. Let's move on.

The show thinks that I find it very amusing to watch the Fat Grouchy Slobs change their tire. No, Bonghammer, I find it amusing to see them in trouble. These two are not funny at all even if they take out baseball bats and brain each other bloody. Wait, that's actually quite funny. Finally those two twits manage to get their tire change. One of them mutters that the world must be surprised that two "fat, Jewish guys" manage to change a tire. Personally, I'm more surprised that their fat, Jewish mothers don't disown them from young, or at least beat them in the head with their milk bottles. After all, we can never beat them in the head too often when it comes to these two.

After Brobbie thanks the kind man that led the Friends to the airport on the cheek as a gesture of her munificent gratitude, the Friends rush into the airport where they encounter the GLPPs. Brobbie does that fake-surprised thing where she asks them where the GLPPs went earlier. Moppet matches her with his own fake-dismayed exclamation where he insists that they waited for the Friends but, you know. Brobbie exclaims in that fake oh-I-understand manner that the Friends thought that the GLPPs have abandoned them - which the GLPPs of course did - and Brobbie is of course very upset. This scene of passive-aggressive verbal spar is so amusing, especially when it's so obvious that Brobbie just wants to scratch some eyeballs out. This is confirmed when Brobbie tells the camera that she is so sure that the GLPPs abandoned them but oh, how glad she is now that the GLPPs explained everything, even if she cattily adds that she can't see where or how the GLPPs waited for them as the GLPPs explained. How can she see them when she's actually in a vehicle ahead of them, I have no idea. It must be one of those "Only in Brobdignag" things. As the camera zooms on the teams scurrying around the ticket counters, Brobbie says that the GLPPs have agreed to book tickets for both Teams. She of course adds in that delightfully passive-aggressive manner that the GLPPs are being so kind, so wonderful, as they should be if they want to keep Brobbie's trust. Brobbie's trust is very valuable, after all, especially when one is in a sticky jam and requires Brobbie's expert Spanish to save the day.

There are still two Teams on the road. The Quotas note that the Downtown Hiltons have caught up with them. See? Slowest. Team. Ever. Chip tells the camera that those sisters are "competitive". Competitively stupid? Meanwhile, the Downtown Hiltons have no more love for the Quotas, calling Chip an "ass", I guess because the Quotas dare to beat them at the last leg of the Race. They are manipulative and seductive, after all. How dare the Quotas refuse to let them go first? Old people are so disgusting! Back to Chip, he calls the Downtown Hiltons the Bad Seeds because he believes that they will bite his head off if he's not looking. Personally, I find Bad Seeds a generous nickname - it makes them seem cunning and smart when they are not at all. The whole feud is tedious to me. Can we move on to something more interesting, please?

Because I can't live unless I see more Fat Grouchy Slobs - thank you, Burnetto, my vomit is in the mail - they have to give a grating confessional where they bitch that there are too many people ahead of them in the airport ticket queue. love.com informs them of the 10:30 am flight. Shut up! Tell them about the 9:30 pm flight instead! Still, the Fat Grouchy Slobs, unlike some other Teams, decide to go around hunting for alternative flights. They find one with Southern Winds - a 9:40 am flight. The two make a shocked-happy expression and quickly lean closer to the poor guy who told them this. He's probably now allergic to the stench of stinky cheese.

As it tend to happen in situations like this, the GLPPs and the Friends of Gulliver are just behind them when the Fat Grouchy Slobs stumble upon their serendipity. Fat Slob Lance haughtily informs them that the ticket is closed until 5:30 am, meaning that he's the first in line. He is hoisted on his own petard however when the airport guy points out that the ticket counter is actually across the hallway. The Friends of Gulliver quickly scamper across and grab the spot at the head of that queue, heh. Lance asks Brobbie whether she's planning to buy tickets for "anyone else". She asks him whether he has any intention to do so. He says no. One of the Fat Slobs voices over that if those two ladies buy tickets for many other teams, the Fat Slobs are "screwed". At that point, the GLPPs stand around the Friends of Gulliver. One of the Fat Slobs asks the GLPPs whether those two God-fearing dweebs are with the Friends of Gulliver. Brobbie just has to butt in and tell Joan not to say anything as it's none of the Grouchy Fat Slobs' business. Thank you, Brobbie, for answering the Grouchy Fat Slobs' question. The Fat Slobs are surprisingly reasonable as they reassure the GLPPs that it is okay if there is a God-Fearers Anonymous alliance going on. Joan tries to point out that there is no alliance in the sense that both teams are getting tickets from different counters, but Brobbie cuts in midway to petulantly whine that Joan doesn't have to tell the Fat Slobs anything. It's childish tit for childish tat as the Grouchy Fat Slobs storm away, with one of them saying that he hates Brobbie "so much" and he will get "even". Maybe he'll spit into the milkshake the next time Brobbie is lost and ends up ordering a drink from his pizza hole. The camera focuses on Brobbie putting on her resolute bitch face.

The Quotas and the Downtown Hiltons arrive at the airport. They hate each other but they are joined at the hip, it seems. Life can be so funny, eh? Maybe the Downtown Hiltons will marry the siblings of Chip or Kim and everybody will be one big family.

4:00 am. The Argentina Airlines ticket counter is open for business. Pout, at the head of the line, asks for a 9:10 am flight. Hey, it never hurts to ask. To her surprise, there is one ticket available. Naturally, this ticket is not meant for her unless she wants to run the rest of the Race solo, but she grabs one anyway in some hope that more tickets will become magically available closer to 9:10 am. Joan of the GLPPs leans over and asks Pout to buy tickets for the magical seats that will materialize out of nowhere and Pout agrees. Maybe they think that they are buying tickets to Hogwart. And speaking of witches, what happened to that Godly Alliance where the GLPPs will buy tickets for the Friends of Gulliver too, hmm?

Brobbie catches sight of the disintegration of the Godly Alliance and walks over to the Argentina Airlines counter to ask Pout whether she's buying tickets for the GLPPs. Joan calmly denies that Pout is getting the GLPPs tickets. I'm sure God will understand why she is lying through her teeth. Brobbie demands to know one more time why Pout is buying tickets for the GLPPs. Joan again insists that Pout isn't buying anything for the GLPPs. Pout helpfully contradicts Joan by telling Brobbie that hey, she's buying tickets for the 10:30 am flight for the Friends of Gulliver and the GLPP. I don't know which is worse, straightout lying, deliberate misleadment, or bungling up each other's lies by telling two different stories at the same time. This isn't "A-ha, you're so busted" as much as "A-ha, you're so stoopid!"

Brobbie and Lillie sulk at the still-closed Southern Winds counter. Brobbie laments to the camera that the GLPPs have "betrayed" their "trust" and the Friends can only hope that they will survive the treachery. Brobbie adds that those Teams are ruthless and they will squash the Friends like a bug if the Friends give them an opportunity to do so. Come on, Brobbie, swing Lillie in your arms and fling her towards the twiggy frame of Joan of Arc!

Pout tells Joan that the GLPPs are all set on the 10:30 am flight. Linda Bates tells the camera that her Team and love.com will also be on that flight. Where have the C+Cs been all this while? Oh, there they are. They and the Quotas also ask to be on the 10:30 am flight. The Quotas will be pleased to know that they took the last seats on that flight. The Downtown Hiltons have to settle for being placed on the standby list, a fact that they deplore.

At 5:30 am, the Southern Winds counter opens. Brobbie asks and gets her 9:30 am flight for her Team. The Grouchy Fat Slobs get their tickets too. Alas, when Joan comes over to ask, she's told that the tickets are all sold out and the GLPPs are on standby. Moppet also says that the GLPPs are on standby at the 9:10 am flight, thanks to Pout. Talk about overcovering one's bases.

The C+Cs somehow catches wind of this 9:10 am flight and asks to be put on standby too. C+C Christie is going all "Please! Por fervor!" at the Argentina Airlines counter when Colin lifts his index finger and tells Christie to shut up because she is "high-strung" and hence making everyone else nervous. Hmm, last week I called this team boring and this week, I finally get to see their personality and it's called "an asshole and his whipped dog". Christie shuts up and casts a sullen expression which he ignores. This, I suspect, is a song whose words they know by heart. They are put on standby and Colin puts on that smirk of triumph again. Oh stuff it. That "Rebel Without A Clue" schtick is dead, buried with James Dean's car, and Colin only wishes that he's halfway as hot as James Dean. On the positive side, he asks that he and his punching bag be put at the top of the list.

The GLPPs stand aside from the rest of the crowd. Joan says that she is asking God to keep her calm and focused. After all she's done, I seriously wouldn't evoke God if I were her. Apparently God is speaking to them through the airport monitors because they stare at it very intently as cathedral music plays in the background. This show is making fun of them but the sad thing is, the GLPPs are probably watching this scene right now, miss the joke entirely, and pat themselves in the back for being Good Christians, right before they make sweet beautiful love in the Good Missionary Position way.

Not to be left out on the party waiting to happen on the 9:10 standby list, the Friends of Gulliver are putting on an act. Lillie gasps and insists that she needs a "doctoro", which is a convincing story indeed as Patagonia is a haven for height-extension specialists and sick stumpy ladies always travel with a camera crew with them. The lady assures Lillie and Brobbie that she will give them priority on the standby list. Take that, GLPP heathens!

Pout and Gout seem genuinely surprised when they discover that while Pout is on her way to the 9:10 am flight, Gout is on the 10:30 am flight. When Pout tries to get tickets for the 10:30 am flight - the Race rule says that Team members must travel together at all times - she learns that she is now at the back of the queue in a standby list that has the Downtown Hiltons ahead of them. The ticket lady assures Pout and Gout that there is a "ten percent" chance that Pout can make it on that flight. How delightful!

The C+Cs and the Friends of Gulliver manage to secure seats at the 9:10 am flight. Hear that? The GLPPs are still crying out and asking God why He has forsaken them for the Friends of Gulliver. The happy campers board the 9:10 am flight. Meanwhile, Gout says that Pout is still trying to get a 10:30 seat (how... unfortunate... that Pout doesn't try to get standby on any earlier flights) and he hopes that things will turn out for the best. The 9:10 am "Pout, Gout, We Missed Ye!" flight departs, followed by the 9:30 am "Wish You Were Here, Pout and Gout" flight that carries the Grouchy Fat Slobs and the GLPPs. The Bates Sisters, love.com, and the Quotas board the 10:30 am flight and some suspense comes when the ticket woman calls out those people that make it from the standby list. The Downtown Hiltons manage to get on that flight. Pout and Gout, no. Oopsie. There goes the 10:30 am flight! Chins up, Pout and Gout - they'll send a postcard to those two along with a snapshot of them writhing on a pile of money, I'm sure. After some hassle, those two manage to secure seats on an 11:30 am flight. Pout says that they are not giving up and are determined to catch up with the rest.

There are a line of white Jeep-like vehicles awaiting the Teams at the San Carlos de Bariloche airport carpark. Brobbie says that she has never driven anything like the vehicle and promptly proves that she is not lying by killing the gear stick as she tries valiantly to start that thing. The C+Cs pause to check the tires - and for Colin to admire his reflection - before getting into presumably the coolest and most intense vehicle. They are off. Lillie pauses to admire the scenery when she really should be examining the map, but hey, it won't be the first time she screws up the map-reading. Colin admires the scenery too - or maybe it's just his reflection in the rear mirror - and Christie agrees with him like she always does even if she really doesn't inside.

The second plane arrives and the GLPPs have apparently met some lady on the plane that informed them how to find the mayor. No mention of whether the lady also told them how to find Prestor John's kingdom though. The Grouchy Fat Slobs declare that they are following the GLPPs. The GLPPs nod agreeably. They don't want spit or worse in their milkshake the next time their "modeling" career dries up and they have to stoop to having dinner at the Fat Slobs' pizza hole.

The C+Cs are the first to charge into the mayor's office where Colin commends the mayor on the "beautiful city", pleased that the city matches the color of his eyes. Philo steps forward - closer, baby, closer - and explains that Teams must now find a chocolate factory - a store, actually, but hey, "factory" sounds more Oompa-Loompa than "store" - two blocks away and walk inside where they will be attacked and devoured alive by ferocious insane Oompa-Loompas. By the way, for all of my midget jibes, there is no jibe more potentially offensive that the show setting up an Oompa-Loompa inside joke just for Lillie. I mean, come on, what's next? An Uncle Tom's Cabin Detour for the Quotas?

Anyway, the C+Cs find the Oompa-Loompa Choc Shop easily and encounters their Roadblock for this leg of the Race. Philo explains that this apparently midget-run "factory" has 11,000 pieces of chocolate (this city's popular product) and a Team member performing the Roadblock will have to bite through them to find one of the five chocolate pieces that have a white center. Only then will Chef Oompa-Loompa pass the next clue to the Team. And seriously, that is indeed a lot of biting to do. On the other hand, if they are shaped like Philo's jeans-encased butt... ahem.

Colin gets suited up in a chef hat and an apron that makes him so not cool and therefore so funny to watch because I know he will die when he sees himself. Christie watches from the room outside through a glass panel. I hope this is not some foreshadowing to the future state of their relationship.

Lots of cursing from the Grouchy Fat Slobs when they are halted by a traffic light and lose sight of the GLPPs in the process. How wonderful! Joan looks back at the Fat Slobs and remarks that maybe they are screwing people over. They don't stop and let the Fat Slobs catch up though. The GLPPs is more about brief moments of regrets and longer positive self-reaffirmations that whatever it is they do, they will always be loved by God forever and ever. God has already sanctioned Joan's upcoming boob job, mind you. All she has to do is to have trust in Him and win this Race.

The Friends of Gulliver join the C+Cs in the chocolate shop. Naturally, Lillie, the spokesperson for empowerment and breaking of stereotypes everywhere, balks at doing this Roadblock. Brobbie insists that she will vomit if she does this - so that's how she stays so svelte like that! - and Lillie, with a sour-prune expression, grabs a stool, and heads towards the table where the chocolates await. The silly woman actually starts to eat the chocolates until Brobbie yells at her to just bite them. She then starts biting them and then throwing down the chocolates that fail to meet the grade, all the while shouting that she's going to throw up. What a wimp. Colin, watching her, cracks up because it's so funny to see Oompa-Loompas going medieval on helpless chocolate pieces. Yeah, I'm laughing too. I'll have to make sure that my seat on the train to Hell is as far away from Colin's as possible. Meanwhile, Chef Oompa-Loompa watches Lillie with besotted admiration. Brobbie screams and shrieks even louder when Lillie finds a white-centered piece quickly into the task and jumps off the stool. Brobbie has to direct her to the Chef to get the Clue because Lillie is prepared to run out of the building altogether. Brobbie hugs Lillie hard and tells her that Lillie did a Great Job.

Philo explains that Teams must now travel twelve miles to Villa Cathedral, where all the gondolas are, and take a gondola up to the mountains. Maybe the Teams will finally get to meet this funny God that they insist is helping them win this Race.

Colin is annoyed when Christie finds a rack of chocolates more attractive than his side profile and raps his knuckles at the glass pane, gesturing with his fingers towards his eyes so that she will look at him, only him, and nobody else and if she does, she will PAY PAY PAYPAYPAY HARLOT DIEDIEDIE - oops, wrong TV show. Christie tells the camera that Colin gets a "short fuse" when he's frustrated and she prefers to indulge him during those moments. Yes, that is a sign of a healthy relationship alright. I hope she knows where to draw the line, because the next scene - where she thinks she spots a white center in a piece he's just dropped and he snaps at her while kicking the chocolates at his feet not because she's wrong (she is) but because she speaks to him - is not very reassuring, not after the loaded statement she has just made about letting him take his frustrations out on her. Let's just say that I really hope this is the first and the last time those two will need to speak through a glass pane.

Meanwhile, Brobbie is struggling to get the vehicle going. Oops, she backs into a car. Ssh, she won't tell, I won't, even if the car burglar alarm is quickly triggered off. Meanwhile, the Grouchy Fat Slobs notice Brobbie struggling in the driver's seat as their vehicle drive past the Friends' vehicle. While Brobbie is busy looking down as she struggles with the gear stick, Lance shoves his face at the window and shouts "Bitch!" at Brobbie. Brobbie freezes, her chin snaps up, and her face is a lovely "priceless" moment as she snaps, "Who was that? Somebody just yelled bitch!" Lance laughs because in his world, calling someone "bitch" is the funniest, wittiest, cleverest insult ever. Brobbie snaps everyone on this Race - including that the person who called her bitch, naturally - is dis!-gus!-ting!

The GLPPs receive their clue from the mayor and soon after, Colin bites into a white-centered chocolate and dies. No, he lives. Bah.

It is 12:30 pm and the third plane carrying the Geezers, Sisters, and Losers entourage finally lands. Run, drive, go. Meanwhile, the Grouchy Fat Slobs reach the mayor's office and naturally they grumble, this time over the hardship of having to walk through a door to get inside. These two are hopeless. They really need to be hit in the head more often, like, all the time.

The GLPPs are at the Oompa-Loompa Choc Shop where Moppet magnimously offers to eat those fattening chocolates as he has a "bigger" stomach compared to his Miss God-Fearing Texan Christian Hot Chick date. Besides, Joan throwing up after each bite will only delay them and they will never complete the Roadblock. Joan stares uneasily at the chocolates, afraid that they will pounce on her and force their way down her mouth straight into her hips, and nervously jokes that Moppet has a better shot at winning the lottery. Maybe they should have played the lottery (Church-ran ones, naturally) because Moppet finds his white-centered chocolate shortly into his munching.

For some reason, the Friends of Gulliver and the C+Cs are reenacting The Fast And The Furious on the road. Believe it or not, the Friends of Gulliver are leading. Colin gnaws at the roadmap - yes, he does - and growls that he must be number one as he steps on the gas. Colin is the kind of guy who must win at all cost. He probably doesn't back down on any dare, no matter how dumb the dare is, because he is Cool that way. And I hope Christie knows to flee when they happen to lose because I don't think Colin will accept defeat gracefully.

After the obligatory bitching, the Grouchy Fat Slobs agree that Munch will, er, munch on the chocolates. But he wants the world to know that he doesn't like this one bit. Whatever. Just get botulism. As Lance urges Munch on and Munch starts grumbling more than he bites, love.com, the Bates Sisters, the Downtown Hiltons, and the Quotas catch up with them in that order. Seriously, what is wrong with the Quotas? They are always last! As Munch and Lance get even more bitter with each passing second (which is, of course, pure enjoyable schadenfraude on my side), love.com departs with the Clue.

At 1:45 pm, Pout and Gout finally reaches San Carlos de Bariloche. Gout wisely advises Pout to get a cab to guide them to the mayor's office.

The Grouchy Fat Slobs tell the Bates Sisters that they have been here for an hour. The Bates Sisters are taken aback but Kathy starts munching anyway. As the Downtown Hiltons catch up and one of them starts on the chocolate, Munch says that he doesn't want and can't do any more biting and just leans against the table like the useless drama queen that he is. The Downtown Hiltons leave, followed by the Bates Sisters, leaving two very unhappy Fat Slobs and one uproariously laughing TV viewer.

Pout and Gout meet the mayor. He is thrilled to see them because he can now close up and go enjoy the rides for the rest of the day.

Lance asks Munch whether the tosser knows what the color white looks like. The Quotas come in and leaves. The Grouchy Fat Slobs are in more pain. This is the best episode ever. Finally, they find a chocolate piece with white center and leave with their Clue, moaning that this Roadblock is all about random luck. In this case, how is that ever a bad thing?

Pout tells Gout to eat the chocolates, reasoning that Gout is the one with the "sweet tooth". Pout, on the other hand, just doesn't want to have any more hips than she already does. Gout decides to demolish the remaining chocolates that are left after Munch the Godzilla has passed this way.

Wow, it looks as if the Friends of Gulliver are winning in the childish race between them and the C+Cs because they are actually running ahead of the C+Cs on their way to the gondola station. How shocking! As they board a gondola, the GLPPs pull up and the Moppet thanks God for personally erecting the Clue Stand there for them. I guess that makes Bonghammer an emissary of God while Viacom is the new One True Religion. Hallelujah, amen.

Gout gets the chocolate piece and the Clue. He and Pout are off.

Colin tells Christie that they must beat the "midget" when both Teams step off the gondola to the mountainside. Defeat even by one minute at this early stage of the Race is unacceptable, after all. The Friends of Gulliver also subscribe to the same principle, with Brobbie shrieking at Lillie to run faster. I feel that it will be more effective if she asks Lillie to bite Colin's leg, but I guess that will be really playing dirty. Both teams discover that they must now do a Detour.

Philo steps out to explain that "Smooth Sailing" would require Teams to paraglide down - assisted, of course - and it's a terrifying if fast detour. "Rough riding" will have the Teams mountain biking down this mountain to the same location below but while this alternative is less terrifying, it is obviously slower. The C+Cs choose "Smooth Sailing". Lillie says that she can't cycle on those bikes (if there are no bikes that is designed to accommodate her, Bonghammer should be given the finger for this) so the Friends of Gulliver will have to "smooth sail" too.

The C+Cs have no problems paragliding as he's cool and she knows she'd better be. Brobbie is crying, if that's a surprise to anybody, but she says that she will not let Lillie know that she is scared. She tells Lillie, "God be with you" and Lillie assures her that they will be fine. Awww, how sweet. And then they too are off. The GLPPs see the first two Teams paragliding as they make their way up in their gondola. Meanwhile, the other Teams are hot on the trail to Villa Cathedral, with Pout and Gout way behind from the rest.

The C+Cs land first and are given directions to travel straight to the Pit Stop fourteen miles away, at an island in the Bahia Lopez bay. As they dash to their vehicles, the Friends of Gulliver tumble onto the ground. Lillie declares that she is so happy to have done everything that she has to do a cartwheel. Um, yeah, a cartwheel, nice. Brobbie says that while she was paragliding, she feels like a bird in the sky, which isn't a particularly creative thing for her to say. And then they too are off and away. The GLPPs land. Joyce of love.com shrieks that she's always wanted to paraglide and she and Bob dash to do the Detour. That's cool. The Quotas hope that the Downtown Hiltons, or Chip's best friends according to Kim, won't make the same gondola as they but the sisters do anyway. They are destined to be together forever, after all. Chip is happy to beat the Downtown Hiltons for once and tells them that he is "tired" of eating "their dust". The Downtown Hiltons aren't amused.

The GLPPs come and go. The Quotas come and go. One of the Downtown Hiltons tells the other once they've landed that the man holding her is floating around in circles - like everyone who paraglides normally does to control their speed - so she decides to pretend to be sick and "manipulate" him into getting her down faster. And they haven't proven how stupid they can really be - yet. Shudder.

The show attempts to create some suspense in having Kathy Bates chicken out halfway after Linda is on her way down, but in the end Kathy paraglides and has a great time. Meanwhile, the Grouchy Fat Slobs have the added delight of missing a gondola and having to wait for the next one. And then Pout and Gout miss the gondola that the Grouchy Fat Slobs have just gotten on. Hee-hee! The Bates Sisters land, the Grouchy Fat Slobs glide after grumbling that they don't do the running thing (not funny, shut up already), and Pout and Gout read the Detour details.

On the road, Brobbie checks herself in the side mirror and comments that they always look terrible when they greet Philo. Lillie rolls up her eyes from the backseat. The C+Cs and the GLPPs are also on their way to the Pit Stop and yes, they all want to win. Win what, I don't know. Maybe they are hoping for those stupid cameras or trips to Hawaii that Philo gives out at certain Pit Stops to the first teams to arrive.

The Grouchy Fat Slobs glide. Gout talks about never giving up and he and Pout glide.

It is quite predictable, the order of arrivals at the Pit Stop. The teams must walk across a shallow part of the lake to get to the island where Philo and three adorable kiddie VIPs are waiting. Team C+C is first, of course. Christie tells the camera that they are going to win as they now know the intricacies of the Race or something. Colin just stares silently at the camera, not aware that his Cool and Intense look is actually coming off as Inhumanly Driven, Approach With Tranquilizer Guns.

With Lillie grumbling and Brobbie calling her to hurry, the Friends of Gulliver are second to arrive at the Pit Stop. Philo greets them with a wide smile and of course, he has always a hug ready for Brobbie. He shouldn't be encouraging her. She is crazy and may get unreasonably clingy.

On their drive to the Pit Stop, Pout hopes that there is some Team that sucks so badly at driving that Pout and Gout can beat them. The Grouchy Fat Slobs (grumbling, moaning, et cetera) seems to be having problems, but then again, they suck, period. Can Pout and Gout beat this team?

Team GLPP is third. He carries her on his back because she is the yokel that breaks his back. Or something.

love.com is fourth. They cheer.

The Downtown Hiltons prove that their intelligence can sink deep into a limitless barrel of emptiness when they notice Philo on the island and quickly announce to the camera that they are going to swim. They strip down to swimsuits which I'm sure they packed specially for this occasion and then swim through waters that are quite shallow that I can see the bottom of the lake from the surface. They are team number five. They are happy to have a chance to show off their skinny bodies, but their cheer is deflated when Philo points out amidst the giggles of the VIP kiddies that the stupid sisters could have just walked across like every other Team before them did.

The Bates Sisters are sixth.

The Quotas, despite temporarily beating the Downtown Hiltons earlier, come in seventh. It's just a matter of time before they are gone, I think. They can't keep bobbing around at the bottom for long.

And how icky, the Grouchy Fat Slobs are eighth. They are so happy because they aren't eliminated and hence will still be around to annoy me thoroughly.

And finally, it's time for Pout and Gout to say goodbye. They are the fourth parent-offspring team in a row to get the axe within the first few episodes of the Race. There may be some bad luck curse on this kind of teams, I suspect. Those two reassure the world that they love each other and Gout says that he has nothing to teach Pout because Pout knows everything (except to get a ticket for an early flight). Another couple claim to have found Greater Bonds of Love on this show and then it's time for everybody to move on. What's next?


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