If They're Screwing The Helmet To My Head, It Can't Be Good
The Amazing Race 5: Episode 10


It's a plane! Previously, it is a good thing that God is infallible because after having the GLPPs invoke His name to save them from their stupidity so many times, He would have sent a lightning bolt to singe to crisp the hair those idiots refuse to part with if He is even a little infallible. Elsewhere, Colin and Christie are still going strong on the Race but their asshole meter has long crashed through the roof. The Bates Sisters are still encountering bad luck all around, the Quotas decide to sneakily plot the C+Cs downfall, and the Downtown Hiltons are still in there, somewhere. Where, you ask? Just look near the back of the pack, where they have remained nearly every week since the Race started.

Credits. Why are C+C fans sending me emails saying that the two jerks can't be all bad because they remind these fans of themselves, their Uncle Bobs, and their Aunt Myrtles? Is that supposed to prove that the C+Cs are somehow misunderstood? Since I don't know these fans, their Uncle Bobs, or their Aunt Myrtles, I'll just assume that they are all just what like they claim they are: just like C+Cs, jackasses extraordinaire that are too self-absorbed and arrogant to notice that aspect of themselves.

Where were we? Philo "Have You Packed For Our Journey, Dear?" Koughie steps out to remind people that right now the Race begins at the Victoria Memorial, the Pit Stop for the previous leg of the Race. There is the obligatory scenes of the Racers mingling, eating, or eyeing the others out of the corners of their eyes. Joan and Moppet don't have any money to begin this leg of the Race with, which explains the flushing gesture she makes with her hand when she talks to the others, I guess. That or she's explaining in graphic detail the recent surgery Moppet had to get his testicles to descend properly.

The two begin stalking the corridors and lobby of the hotel the show prepared for them. Moppet asks Joan whom she thinks should do the begging for alms. Joan answers that she will do it because Moppet has done so much already on this Race and it's time she chips in. No, seriously, what do you think she says? Moppet must be the most graceless man I've ever seen when it comes to pleading for help - he tells a man that he could use some money and the man of course is free to say no but oh, he could really use some money. He comes off like a drop-out from the Jehovah's Witness School of Charm. The man says he doesn't have money, only traveler's checks. Hey, I use that line too when I'm abroad, but nowadays those beggars have wisened up to accept credit cards as well as checks. Dang. Moppet tries to approach other people around the hotel at that hour (it's still dark outside). He's a model, I'm sure he has done his wild share of Parisian carousings, so shouldn't he know that men up at around this hour usually don't have money to give after blowing them all on STDs and hangovers? Some will think about whether they want to give Moppet the money first before they do. Many laugh at him. Poor Moppet. He's such a wuss.

2:35 am. The C+Cs get ready to leave. Colin rips open the envelope, reads what's on the Clue, and gives a truly forced unnatural laughter before making a fist and pulling it down. Why this exaggerated display of machismo? Well, yes, because he is struck with a chronic need to make people see him as a bigger man than he really is, but also because Teams will now have to travel to Auckland, New Zealand, some 7,000 miles away. Hey, Philo comes from there, doesn't he? Men there dress terribly, I hear, but they can be so hot. Philo further explains that the travel agent union in Calcutta has bribed enough councilmembers and legislators so that it is now forbidden to book a flight out of India directly from the airport. Teams can only get tickets through a local travel agent. The camera zooms on a particular travel agent (the only one in town, perhaps?) which claims to be opened 24 hours a day for the whole year. Hmm, things here are obviously different from Mumbai - remember the DADT's encounter with the Open-On-Demand Travel Agency from the last season? But then again, this is Calcutta. You'll never know when an MP needs to flee with his embezzled funds in the dead of night before the enraged electorate catches him.

Back to the C+Cs, Christie tells the camera in a blase "Um, must I say something? Oh what the heck, blah blah blah" way that she loves India but it's time to leave (never mind that she arrived only yesterday) and being first inspires her to move on (because she has never been carried to the first place by her boyfriend before) and if Colin trusts her, their Race will be perfect (because things are always going wrong for them on this Race). Christie? Shut up. While she's at it, don't breathe please, thanks. And why is Colin always wearing that miner's helmet with that ugly torch shining from the top? He's like the self-professed extreme sport enthusiast who can't get out of the house to skate at the nearby frozen lake without having his Mommy Dearie dress him up in six layers of wooly sweater that Mommy Dearie knitted herself, color-blindness and all, because he wants to be safe that way.

2:37 am. The Quotas are off and away! As Chip and Kim head out of the starting line, Chip talks about feeling real good to start off near the top and now that the end of the Race looms close, he and Kim are ready to play smarter as well as harder. They meet the C+Cs a short distance away as the C+Cs wait for a cab. Chip and the C+Cs exchange pleasantries and try to come off as allies without sharing anything of substance. When Colin mutters that he doesn't know where to go, Chip points out the travel agent on the Clue. These two Teams are so tight that way. Oh, and that's Kim. Yes, that scowly-wrinkled woman standing in Chip's shadow. Don't mind her, she's too busy formulating her Really Great Plan to Contribute to her Team. I hear it will be a dazzling plan when it is finally revealed, better than last week where she weakly pushes a car while being aided by unpaid street kiddies. Chip tells the camera that the C+Cs are his main competitors. Heh, let's remember this statement and laugh when Chip makes a huge underestimation of a certain out-of-shape plucky bowling mothers later on! Chip adds that he is willing to go along with being Colin's buddy for now. Or as he puts it, he is ready to "batten down the hatches" with the C+Cs. Ooh, someone is plotting. I am starting to like this Team better now. Serious!

The GLPPs are now stalking the hallway of the hotel more urgently. There's Joan. Is she going to do her share of the Race and mingle with the great unwashed heretics? Isn't she scared that they will press their fingers on her forehead to mark her with the sign of the Devil? Or impregnate her with the Antichrist spawn? Well, since they are talking to fairly twenty-somethingish Caucasian tourists, I'm sure she'll all reassured that there are no evil darkies in the corridors waiting to do unspeakable torments to her. Sure that pretty will understand pretty (pretty as in pretty what - well, I'll leave that to you), she says that Moppet has to use his "good looks" to get by after Moppet explains to the tourists that they are on the Amazing Race and the whole shebang about how they got in last, blah blah blah. There are a collective bemused look on the expressions of the tourists. Maybe they look at Moppet and where Joan sees Hunk, they see Christopher Atkins after being used as a toilet brush one time too many. They give the GLPPs some money. Must be some "go away, leave us alone" money. Moppet says optimistically that they are on a good start.

A boring travel agent scene follows where Colin deals with the guy behind the counter at the "We Have Big Big Planes For You All Day All Year Long!" travel agency. The ticket agent tells them that there is a Singapore Airlines flight leaving for Auckland via Bangkok which will reach Auckland at 11:35 am, but there are no seats available. Why ticket agents tell their customers about earlier unavailable flights, I will never know. Is it good business to frustrate them? The only flight available to meet the Teams' hurry-hurry schedule is an Indian Airlines flight that reaches Bangkok at 1:25 pm. The two Teams decide to book that flight and then find their way to Auckland from Bangkok once they are at the airport. They can book tickets for flights from anywhere outside India to any place in the world at the airport, apparently, just not tickets for flights out of India. I guess the bribes made by the travel agent union to the MPs aren't big enough. That or the MP has fled at the dead of night before the union can make another approach.

At 3:25 am, the Bates Sisters are so excited about going to Auckland. What's in Auckland, anyway? Linda tells the camera that she's tired of she and Kathy starting out at the back of the pack and this time, they will do their best to finish in the Top Three.

Finally, the GLPPs find their perfect victims: teenaged girls. Moppet talks about being out of his "comfort zone" begging for money and naturally these gullible girlies are more than happy to put money into his hands. And he tells them, "You guys are so sweet." Because it's cool to call besotted silly girlies "guys". With luck, those girlies will ambush Joan and attack her for stealing their "soulmate". Moppet is excited and is certain that the GLPPs are back in the Race. How nice. I'm so excited for them.

It is 4:00 am when the Quotas and the C+Cs walk into the Calcutta International Airport. As to be expected, no ticket counter or office is opened so everyone gets comfortable as best as they can to while the time away. No doubt they will spend the entire time discussing Colin's favorite topic: his huge muscles. Elsewhere at the Big Planes For You All Day Long Travel Agency, the Bates Sisters are chirping like intoxicated happy magpies as Linda asks for the same tickets that the man sold the previous two Teams. After all, what's good for them must be good for the Bates Sisters too, right? This is why I still say that the C+Cs are not the best Team ever even if they come in first more than any Team in the history of this show so far - the competition of this Season is frankly just lame and the absence of a weekly Fast Forward prevents other Teams from undercutting the C+Cs' leads.

At 4:38 am, the Downtown Hiltons are happy to go to New Zealand too. They go "Oh!" together. Hmm, maybe it's not that they're happy but because they've finally discovered that Auckland and Oklahoma are two different places. As they leave for the travel agency, one of them says that it is hard for them sometimes because the idiot sisters are "too much alike" because they are "twins" (no crap, Sherlock) so they share the same strengths and weaknesses. She thinks that they need to stay calm and get along with each other to keep going on this Race.

5:00 am sees the Bates Sisters joining the earlier two Teams at the airport. Meanwhile, back at the 7-11 Travel Agency, the Downtown Hiltons stumble upon the latecomer's luck: while previous Teams are unable to get flights from Bangkok to Auckland, seats on some flights are now opened for reservation. The Downtown Hiltons act as if their Young and Cute Mojo is responsible for this turn of events. Who am I to disabuse them of the notion? The Downtown Hiltons book seats on a Qantas flight that will see them landing in Auckland at 2:35 pm.

At 6:07 am, God's favorite Team finally departs. They realize from their Clue that other Teams received $45 but they, of course, receive nothing. Moppet sprouts some mumbo-jumbo to the camera as he and his dead-weight bible-thumping albatross leave, something that includes never giving up and leaving matters entirely to God. I'm surprised, at the rate they keep leaving matters to God, that they just don't sit on the pavement and beg God to magically transport them to the finish line.

The Downtown Hiltons reach the airport at 6:30 am. The ticket counters and offices are still closed. I bet the airport union must have contributed significantly to the travel agent union's generous "donations" to the relevant MPs. Back to the 7-11 Travel Agency, Moppet books the seats on the same flight as the C+Cs, the Quotas, and the Bates Sisters. He is about to ask the agent to look into flights from Bangkok to Auckland when the man, looking pointedly at the clock, tells him that the GLPPs have to be at the Calcutta airport three hours before departure. Oh dear, should we blame this on those mischievous Bangladeshis next door? The GLPPs quickly dash for the exit. In their cab, Moppet talks about the importance of getting a ticket on an early and fast flight to Auckland from Bangkok. Tell me something I don't know.

At the airport, the ticket office for Singapore Airlines are open. The C+Cs and the Quotas herd into the room only to be told by the lady that they are crowding her and two of them please wait outside. Because every Team on this show operates on this bizarre notion that the C+C should always go first, the Quotas retreat. Meanwhile, the Bates Sisters and the Downtown Hiltons decide to tackle Indian Airlines. The Quotas manage to locate a Singapore Airlines counter where they can also purchase tickets but they learn that the C+Cs have snapped up the last seats on a choice flight. Dang. Colin naturally crows to Chip about this and openly congratulates Christie on getting the C+Cs those tickets. So much for being allies, I tell you. As Colin talks about how the C+Cs are now in a favorable advantage over the others as they are on a Singapore Airlines flight (oh please), Kim tells the camera that Chip and she will have to be more aggressive. Or rather, Chip will be more aggressive. She, well, she'll do something, I'm sure, but I'll have to get back on you on what that "something" is. Three co-ed Teams on the show, three useless females. Ain't the modern women really something?

The Downtown Hiltons are on the phone, trying to work out their Qantas flight. Failure to do so, it seems, will put them at least three hours behind the earliest flight. The Quotas manage to get seats on a New Zealands Airline flight that will see them landing in Auckland at 11:55 am, twenty minutes behind the "doggone" (as Chip calls them) C+Cs. The GLPPs are getting tickets on that flight too. Joan asks the ticket counter fellow what time the flight lands in Auckland. Moppet reminds her that it's 12:20 am. The ticket counter guy corrects Moppet - it's 11:55 am. Joan snorts, saying that yeah, Moppet knows everything, su-uu-uu-re. Moppet gives an odd expression that suggests that the blade has been pressed deeper into his masculinity. They then argue about how long each spent in kindergarten, culminating in Joan playfully telling him that she'd backhand him and he'd never model "in this town" again. Since they are in Calcutta, I don't think Moppet has ever or will ever model there unless he really needs money that bad. And even so, he won't hold a candle to a typical Bollywood pretty boy so he may as well just start bagging for tricks on the streets.

Having tried and not found satisfaction with Indian Airlines, the Bates Sisters move on to British Airways. They get a flight to Auckland from Bangkok via Kuala Lumpur. I don't know why they bother telling me where the transit stops are or why I'm relating this in the recap because it's not as if the transit locations play any role in the storylines but anyway, the Bates Sisters are going to Auckland. Their flight lands in Auckland at 12:20 am, which puts them nearly half an hour behind the Quotas and the GLPPs, but Linda thinks that they are on to something because they are the only Team on the flight. That's like saying that it's cool to be on the flight to Zanzibar when everyone else is going to Auckland - at least someone is being unique, I guess. She says that anything can happen. I hope she, like Chip last week, isn't wishing for some planes to crash so that she and Kathy can win themselves some moolah. The Downtown Hiltons on the other hand are put on hold over the phone. They don't get any respect even from anonymous telephone operators. That's harsh. Finally they give up and start trying out counter by counter to get a ticket to Bangkok and from Bangkok they will continue their search for the "better ticket" to Auckland.

From Calcutta to Bangkok, all five Teams board the same flight. At Bangkok, the Bates Sisters board their plane first but Philo explains that they have a two-hour layover at Kuala Lumpur. The Downtown Hiltons head to the Singapore Airlines counter where one of them tries to pretend that she has a reservation on the next flight and acts outraged when the ticket lady informs her that she couldn't find the Downtown Hiltons in her records. She can be quite the bitch, saying that she doesn't understand why she can't get on the flight because she has reservations after all. The lady, used to dealing with such people, firmly but politely tells her that the Downtown Hiltons are not in the computer records so there is no way she can let them get on the flight. "You don't have the booking with us. That's all!" she tells the Downtown Hiltons. I especially love the way she says "That's all!" Hoisted!

The C+Cs take off. The Quotas and the GLPPs get ready to board the plane. The Downtown Hiltons are now working hard to get an earlier flight - apparently their Qantas flight will put them way behind the other Teams - and their efforts culminate in one of them moaning thats she "totally hates" airports. I'm sure the Singapore Airlines lady, if she hears this, will be saying, "I hate you too. That's all!" At the last minute, just as Kim is telling the camera that she hopes the Downtown Hiltons won't get on the flight because the idiots are "doggone" fast (what's with all the doggone doggones?), the Downtown Hiltons manage to get some seats on that same flight and barely make it in time on the flight. The Quotas are not amused. The Downtown Hiltons, in the first of the foreshadowed underestimation of the Bates Sisters, say that they aren't last now because the Bates Sisters are on a later flight. Philo says that this is not the case as he steps out to explain the airport route thingie. While the Downtown Hiltons are on an earlier flight to Sydney with the GLPPs and the Quotas, they have to switch flights to Qantas in Sydney while the Quotas and the GLPPs can just stay on the same flight on their way to Auckland. So the Downtown Hiltons will land at about the same time as the Bates Sisters in Auckland. Please don't ask me to explain one more time because I hate all this airport timeline matters.

11:35 am. The C+Cs are in Auckland. They find their designated vehicle at the car park and Colin drives. Christie tells him that he must find Route One to go to Rotorua. Even when they are the only Team in Auckland, she tells him to drive faster or other Teams will magically show up in Auckland and catch up and they will be last. And for Christie, being last must hurt like hell. I bet she still has nightmares about losing the Miss Texas crown to Joan. Maybe I'll send her an email saying she looks fat on TV. Hopefully it will drive her into irrational hysteria. 11:55 am. The GLPPs and the Quotas are here. Guess who does the driving of the designated vehicle for each Team. If you say Joan and Kim, you need to lose a little of that optimism of yours, my friend. Along the way, the GLPPs and the C+Cs manage to locate Route One but the Quotas make a turn to never-neverland and it's downhill from there. 12:15 pm. The Downtown Hiltons are here. 12:20 pm. The Bates Sisters finally arrive and Kathy, noticing that only their designated vehicle is left in the carpark, sighs and says that they are last again. They have a trump card up their sleeves, not shown on the show though. A forum regular on the Sucks board posted that he was actually there at the airport when the Bates Sisters arrived and he overheard the Bates Sisters getting the correct directions to Route One, directions that the Quotas and the Downtown Hiltons apparently do not have. The Quotas and the Downtown Hiltons are very, very lost. They ask for directions but no one they encounter can help them much. Oh dear. The Downtown Hiltons conclude that they are pathetic. I know. I'm surprised it takes them this long to realize that.

The C+Cs trundle into Rotorua. Earlier, Philo explained that Teams must locate the Museum of Art and History for their next clue, and this Museum is what the C+Cs are looking for. They pass the Yield on their dash into the Museum but they won't use it because Christie tells the camera that the C+Cs don't want to "screw other Teams". That explains why they tried to blackball the Friends of Gulliver from getting tickets or passing through doors or how only last week they tried to prevent the other Teams from locating the water tower ride in the Wild Wadi (a scene shown in the Insider section on the official website). Christie must be the kind of bitch who will spike her beauty pageant rival's drink with Ex-lax and says sincerely that she hopes the bitch doesn't die because that will be so sad indeed, oh no. She and Colin really should get their tubes tied, cut, or just darned removed altogether before they get married. Didn't you hear? She buys a house after the Race and Colin lives with her now without paying any rent. He's such a man, I tell you. Back to Christie's self-important speech, Colin gives a thumbs-up sign to the camera as a sign of his support to her. This explains why he was on that stupid BMW forum only a few weeks back insisting that he is inaccurately portrayed on the show (ah yes, the tired blame-it-on-editing justification) because Christie is a bigger bitch that they showed her as and he's sure that if they show the extent of her shrewishness, people will understand why he's behaving like a jackass. What a man, really, to blame his girlfriend for his own ugly temperament on the show.

The C+Cs locate the clue stand in the Museum and realize that it's now time for a Detour. "Clean" will require the Team to drive some thirteen miles down to a whitewater spot called the Okere Falls and tackle a one-mile whitewater course. Woo-hoo! This is obviously not a detour for the faint-of-heart. "Dirty" will require the Team to travel to the tourist hot mud pool called Hell's Gate where they must locate the clue buried in the mud pools. The drawbacks of "Dirty" should be obvious to everyone.

The C+Cs choose to be "Clean". Colin, eager to prove that he's all man and more, declares that this whitewater task will be "very, very fun". I'm starting to think that he doesn't speak much and tends to stare at people all creepy and intense like that because he's actually very limited in vocabulary. What's the Race like, Colin? "Dude, fun!" What is it like to be given the finger by the cops in Tanzania, Colin? "Intense, dude!" What is it like to be called disgustingly criminal by Brobbie? "Dude..." Are you really short? "I'm packing it!" How about the rumor that your testicles haven't properly descended yet? "Dude..." Or that you have a crush on the weird gal from The Breakfast Club? "Shut up! You are... broken!"

As they drive, the C+Cs get into an argument where Christie is peeved when he doesn't listen to her when she points out that he's taking them in the wrong direction. He apologizes in a half-assed manner and she is placated by it, telling the camera that their relationship is "growing" because of this incident. I'm sure the concerns of her friends and family members are "growing" too when they watch how Colin treat her on this show. Then again, I'm assuming that she has friends and family members that care one way or the other.

The GLPPs are at the Museum next. They may use the Yield one day but that day is not today. Joan wants to do "Clean" but Moppet insists that they do "Dirty". No, don't get the wrong idea and think that he's confusing his libido with his Race, although I'm sure that they, as God-fearing Christians, are still virgins and they certainly haven't committed any premarital sex or other sinful deeds. They have to be or they won't dare throw their faith at the faces of everyone else, right? Overlooking the fact that Joan is obviously disappointed that they aren't going to go clean, Moppet explains to the camera that he wants to get dirty because he has a protective streak and he doesn't want to see Joan hit in the head or something. Because when that happens, Joan won't be pretty anymore and God won't like that. So Moppet wanting to do the dirty is because he has Joan's well-being at heart. It has nothing to do with his own wussy self at all!

The Bates Sisters arrive at the Museum and they decide not to Yield anyone because they think they're last. Sheesh, even they underestimate themselves. As they drive to the "clean" spot, Linda wonders whether they are making a wrong choice. Kathy tries to assure her that they can do this even if none of them know what "sledging" down a whitewater course is. Linda is glad to hear that Kathy is being optimistic so she's all tallulah happy peacecakes again. That is so cute.

The Downtown Hiltons and the Quotas are on their way to the Museum. The DOwntown Hiltons speculate that the Quotas may Yield them today. In their cab, Chip wonders whether he ought to Yield the Downtown Hiltons. Hmm, what would Jesus do in this situation?

The C+Cs are at the Okere Falls by this time and they are getting suited up to go sledging. Then they get into the water to paddle to the waterfall where they would then ride their sledges down. This is one moment where I wish there really are huge anacondas waiting to pounce. At Hell's Gates, the GLPPs begin wading slowly into the steaming mud pool. It's hot, dirty, sticky, and if it's anything like my first and only trip to a mangrove swamp, I hope they have tied the shoelaces of their shoes around their ankles because they would otherwise never be able to move. I miss my Reeboks sneakers. They are probably still stuck three feet in the mud back in Bakau. After falling flat on my face into the mud and having to have three men lift me up - and to lose my sneakers in the process - that is why I happily gave up my dreams of being a conservationist. The mangrove swamp birdies can find someone else to be their hero. Back to Hell's Gate, Joan is stuck. But she says that getting stuck is quite cool.

The C+Cs go down the fall. Lots of overcompensatory cheering for Colin and he acts as if Christie has had Triumph at the Special Olympics Moment just because she goes down the fall. I'm surprised he doesn't demand that the theme song for The Chariots Of Fire to be played for that special moment. Christie blabs that she's now confident that she can do anything because she's on this Race and she's been dragged forward all the way and the only Roadblock she did she flopped spectacularly at so... yeah, she can do everything! Anything! Except winning the Miss Texas crown! Oh, Christie, that must really still burn. Here, have some chocolate cakes. You can throw up later.

The GLPPs stagger, stumble, and flop around the mud pool. The clue is nowhere to be found. But at least the mud will make their skin so pretty. I'm sure that is never taken into consideration when Moppet decides that the GLPPs will get dirty.

The C+Cs are done and Colin takes the opportunity to pull his wetsuit down to his waist. I'd love to say that he has a fine body but unfortunately, short men with overdeveloped biceps remind me of the Incredible Hulk. At least the Hulk is green and kinda cute. Colin just looks freaky, like someone has fashioned a golem out of dead parts of bodybuilders but missed out on some parts of the legs. The supervisor who doesn't need to strip down to look hot passes the clue to the C+Cs. The Team must now travel some twenty miles to the Matapara Farm for their next clue. Colin talks to the camera about being high on life. Yeah, he wishes that he is higher but he's not. Just like how Christie will never be Miss Texas, he ought to accept that he'll never be tall. He should stop wasting money on penis pumps that will never work too. He's a walking proof of why having so much anger at things that cannot be changed is no good on a person. It's all in how he uses it anyway. Then again, I wouldn't put it above Christie to fake it all along.

It's a footrace between the Quotas and the Downtown Hiltons to the Yield back at the Museum. The Downtown Hiltons shriek nay in horror when Chip opens the Yield box to look for the idiot sisters' photo to Yield them but Chip quickly laughs and, saying that he's just funning them, hugs them. Yeah, I'm sure he's a nice guy through and through. The Downtown Hiltons naturally crow that Chip has "redeemed" himself by not Yielding the idiots. I don't know what they think Chip has done to them that he has to redeem himself for but I don't claim to understand half of how the idiot sisters' shared single brain cell works. To prove that he's a huge chunk of insincerity, Chip explains to the camera that he doesn't want to Yield the Downtown Hiltons because the Bates Sisters are far behind them. Oh, really? He opens the clue box at the Museum and is stunned to realize that only two clue envelopes are inside. Oh shee-yit, the Bates Sisters are ahead of them! Cut to the Bates Sisters as they approach Okere Falls. Back at the Quotas' vehicle, Kim's face is becoming longer by the second as Chip curses and regrets not Yielding the Downtown Hiltons. The Quotas are going to do clean while the Downtown Hiltons decide to get dirty. Why dirty? The Downtown Hiltons agree that they "feel like" getting into hot mud than cold water. They should be used to being in hot squishy substance by now after all, being that they have been knee-deep in smelly stuff since the start of the Race. On the way to Okere Falls, Chip compares his discovery of the Bates Sisters being ahead of them to the rug being pulled from under his feet and wonders whether he has just made a huge, irreparable mistake. At the back, Kim's face is now two feet long.

The Bates Sisters have suited up for their whitewater adventure but they are very nervous. Linda offers the line that will be the title of this episode, saying that if they have to screw the helmet to her head, surely things couldn't be hunky-dory like the supervisor assures her! The ladies nervously paddle towards the waterfall.

The GLPPs are having the time of their love bonding with hippopotami.

Linda goes down like a pro (eeuw). Kathy, after some hesitation, takes a deep breath and goes down too (eeuw). There are plenty of excited squealings when they are done, with Linda telling Kathy that Kathy's kids will be so proud of her. I'm not Kathy's kid but I do know that I am proud of these women. They rock! They are tough, they get things done, and bad navigation at airports aside, they sure kick the asses of the useless parasites Christie, Joan, and Kim. I'm also impressed at how this Team receives the worst luck ever when it comes to cabs and flights but they just march on, never saying die. Watching them, I realize I would be very, very annoyed if they fall to the Curse of the Fourth Place like all fun, wholesome, no-nonsense never say die Teams tend to do in the history of the Race, especially when those useless one-person Teams like the Quotas, the GLPPs, and the C+Cs are still in the running.

The GLPPs, if they keep up whatever it is they are doing in the mudpool, will look like anorexic swamp things in no time.

The C+Cs pull into the Matapara Farm where they now learn it's time for a Roadblock. Who is ready for a wild ride? Philo explains that the Team must select a member to take a ride in an inflatable plastic ball called a zorb, which Philo describes as a popular New Zealander method of getting cheap thrills. Sort of like a rich man's blow-up doll, I guess. There will be some water inside the zorb to prevent the person from getting injured by the friction between him and the plastic interior. Anyway, once they zorb down a hill to the indicated finish line, they can run to the nearby Pit Stop. What's so special about this place? Well, Philo doesn't explain until next week but these very hills are where some of the scenes in the Lord of the Rings trilogy are filmed. From Gollum to Colin, trollkind has come a long way.

Naturally, Colin does this because he's so manly. Christie says she gets a "kick" out of seeing Colin do "extreme sports". Seriously, it's just getting into a stupid plastic ball and rolling downhill for a short distance. The only way this zorbing thing can be considered "extreme" is when they fill the zorb with piranhas. Colin is so excited at zorbing, he does a back-flip before he gets into the plastic ball. Naturally, there are idiots out there that bag on Lillie doing a cartwheel a few weeks back find Colin's camera-hoing adorable because they either want to marry Colin or they think they are as manly as Colin. I'm sure the C+Cs and Fans group therapy will be one merry party. Back to Colin, he does some devil horn thing with his hands to his head and then he rolls, stumbles, and rolls some more in the zorb down the hill. Yeah, that is so macho to watch. He gets out and hoots and flexes his muscles at the camera. Colin, the showboat has left a long time ago so please stop, thanks. Blah blah blah team number one blah blah free vacation to romantic Europe yadda yadda Colin saying they are becoming stronger, emotionally, on this Race (next week: "My ox is broken!") and he can't imagine spending his life with another woman. That's an easy one - I can't imagine any other woman willing to tolerate his BS.

Kathy zorbs down the hill and Linda cheers for her all the way down. They are stunned to realize that they are team number two. Linda says that this is the highest position they have ever end up at the end of a Race and Kathy attributes this to their never giving up attitude. That and a bunch of lucky bunchings in the last few week but I'm not holding it against them. Their scenes, as far as I'm concerned, make this episode a pure joy to watch. They really rock as a Team.

The GLPPs are still looking for a clue in Hell's Gate. Wow, that is a multi-layered sentence alright.

The Quotas are approaching Okere Falls. Chip hopes that they are still in the Race. The Downtown Hiltons, on their way to Hell's Gate, hope likewise. Back at Hell's Gate, Moppet whines that their failure to locate the clue is frustrating him to no end. Maybe that will teach him to stop being so afraid of getting his pretty face mucked up? Nah, I don't think so. He asks Joan whether they should pray. Joan tells him to do it for the both of them. She's busy looking for a clue, after all. After some prayer where he hopes that God, Jesus, and Everybody Else Up There will help them locate the clue and how he trusts Them to do so (because when you pray, you can be assured that they will give you what you want because you're so pretty and you claim to be devout Christians a zillion times a day), the editing suggests that the GLPPs quickly locate the clue. Yeah, right. Joan says, "Oh! Thank God - literally!" Okay, I'll give the whiny, humorless Bible-thumping shrew that one - I crack up at that line. As they leave, they see the Downtown Hiltons approaching Hell's Gate. Moppet moans that the idiot sisters may very well stick a hand into the mud and immediately locate the clue so the GLPPs have to hurry.

The Downtown Hiltons, wading into the mud, wonder what to do. One of them wonders whether the clue will be "obvious" to her. The other idiot thinks so. Let's just move on.

The Quotas reach Okere Falls. The Downtown Hiltons are moaning about how tough this Detour is as they stumble through the mud. Chip says that the Quotas are never giving up as he and Kim get suited up for the whitewater sledge. Then they step into the river.

At the farm, Joan says that Moppet will be doing the Roadblock. He agrees amicably despite his fear of tight, wet crevices. He knows, after all, that Joan will throw a fit if she breaks a nail. As he gets ready to step into the zorb, he moans, "Pump up a zorb? Baby, I hate this stuff!" Joan tells him to stuff it because she wants a million dollars. Yeah, me too, but I have to work to get it, while Miss Thing here just stands there and demands that her boyfriend and God and Jesus all get to work and give the money to her now. Life can be so unfair sometimes. They are team number three and I'm like, whatever, God is dead.

One of the Downtown Hiltons wonder whether the Quotas have already done "dirty". The other accurately says that Kim will be like "Hell, no!" if she has to do something like wading in the mud. That's what she, like Christie and Joan, has her big strong man for. She is Nefertiti, after all, didn't you hear Chip say so? She sits on a pedestal and all you people better show this sister some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Oh, and give her the money because she wants it now.

The Quotas go down the waterfall. The Downtown Hiltons are searching hard for their buried clue. And as Kim reaches the bottom of the waterfall, the editing suggests that the Downtown Hiltons locate the clue seconds later. It's a close race to the Farm. The Quotas smooch because Chip is so proud of her. After all, she has to haul her ass and do something because she can't order her man to do it for her. That takes real effort on her part to contribute to the Team. In the Downtown Hilton's vehicle, one of them says that it will be funny if they are going the wrong way. The other sister is expectedly not amused.

So who reaches the farm first? The Quotas, of course. Kim pretty much orders Chip to do the Roadblock even before they know what the Roadblock entails. She's Nefertiti, after all, and Chip is only her Little Titi or something. Blah blah team number four and Chip vows to use the Yield the next time. Heh heh heh.

It is dark when the Downtown Hilton In The Zorb goes down the hill. Aw, they are the last Team. They are eliminated, but not before they give the obligatory "love each other forever" yammering to the camera. Then they are gone, about time too - seriously, just how did they last this long anyway? - and we move on to the noble "ox" (actually, carabao) that deals Colin a mortal blow to his ego. Next week, the Final Four!


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