The Amazing Race 5: Episode 6
Previously, the C+Cs got a huge lead over the others and arrived at the Pit Stop, the Sphinx in Egypt, at around seven hours ahead of the second team (the Friends of Gulliver). Meanwhile, the show tries to make a big fuss about Chip Quota finding "redemption" by helping the idiot Downtown Hiltons, but I really don't understand why Chip needs redemption as much as the idiot sisters need a brain pronto. The Bates Sisters came in last thanks to the first but not last of their bad luck trip where cab drivers are concerned as well as because of a twisted ankle, but since the leg was the first of four planned non-elimination rounds, the Bates Sisters are safe. Yes! But there is a new twist this Season, meaning that Philo will have to ask the Bates Sisters to cough their money up. The Bates Sisters missed a golden opportunity to get Philo to strip search them. Anyway, they vow that they won't give up even if they will not be given a single cent at this leg of the Race. The question is: can they stay in the Race or will the lack of money thingie finally sink them out of the Race for good?
Credits. You want to know why the C+Cs are on a yacht? They are running away from the Feds. Colin is responsible for chewing off the heads of Teddy Ruxpin dolls in stores all over America and people are not amused.
On with the race. At 11:27 pm, the C+Cs are allowed to leave. They read the clue and are now told that they must locate the entrance of the Great Pyramid, which Philo "Like Fed-Ex, I Live To Deliver Packages" Koughie explains is one of the last ancient Seven Wonders of the World. Teams will have to descend 350 miles down to what Philo calls the Creation Chamber which is located right at the "geological center" of the Earth. Cool. That chamber must be where all the hot sex took place back in ancient Egypt. I hear those pharaohs could be quite kinky. As they walk to locate the entrance of the Pyramid, Colin tells Christie that 350 miles is like 35 stories down into the earth and calls this a "bad-ass" trip. His affinity to burial spots is unfortunate given his already unnerving tendency to give off serial killer vibes.
Christie snorts and asks him how he knows that they are going to the correct entrance. After all, there must be thousands of Great Pyramids all over the place, right? Colin mumbles something I can't catch in response, but I would bet it's something like "I know, just shut up and follow me already". This leads to Christie's confessional that takes place with she standing before the Sphinx (the Sphinx looks really hot while she just looks emaciated) where she says that they both think they are right and this leads to some problems that can affect their Race.
Finally, they locate the entrance which is helpfully decorated with the trademark yellow and red flags all around it. Alas, the Pyramid is open only at 6:00 am because mummies need their beauty sleep too, and Colin growls and complains that their lead is flushed down the drain by a considerable margin. Christie and he pose before the entrance as she tells the camera that oh well, they can take this opportunity to sleep. Meanwhile, Colin explains that they still have a 45-minute lead over the next Team. I guess that he keeps believing that a lead is a lead and the others will never catch up with him, it will help him sleep better. He and Christie unroll their sleeping mats and catch some sleep.
At 5:55 am, they are awake. Colin announces as the gates open that the C+Cs are "ready to go and blow". Between that and "bad-ass", this guy is coming off as really trying too hard to be cool. If I'm Christie, I'd probably spend two-thirds of my day cringing in embarrassment at hearing him trying to be hip. Incidentally, they must have allowed product placements on this show by the Racers because the camera zooms in on the logo of this Team emblazoned on the back of the jackets: Texas Xtreme. Is that the name of their Team or something they are trying to sell (a TV show concept, perhaps)? Whatever it is, I suspect that "bad-ass go and blow" Colin is the one who comes up with that name and I hope someone will pass him the memo soon that the whole "xtreme", "xciting", and other lame abuse of the alphabet X in some attempt to be cool is so 1980s. But that's Colin: he wants to be hip, intense, and oh-so-trendy in black, but he's probably the kind of guy who have memorized every line from Streets of Fire and keeps a shrine to Billy Idol at home.
They descend the tunnel and have to bend their bodies forward to do so. Colin tells Christie to move one step down the rung of the ladder-like path they are taking and then two steps and repeat. I don't see what's wrong with the usual step-by-step method but I guess Colin just likes to hear himself tell people what to do. In the Creation Chamber, they pick up an envelope from the clue stand and realize that they must now find the Mount of Creation. Philo comes out to explain that the Mount of Creation is the Karnak Temple located in Luxor 400 miles away. He also explains that Teams can get there by taking a flight from the domestic airport in Cairo known as the "old airport". There is an Air Egypt charter flight to Luxor at 11:30 am, but Teams can choose to take any earlier flight that they can get tickets to.
As they make their way out of the pyramid, Colin tells Christie that it's around 6:00 am at the moment so there is a chance that they may be able to catch a flight at, say, 8:00 am, therefore preserving their lead. He repeats this to the camera when he and Christie are in a cab. If he keeps telling himself that enough, he'll probably start to believe it.
At 6:41 am, Lillie reaches for the clue but Brobbie takes it first and rips it open before Lillie can touch it. That is so mean, and it's only an envelope. What happens when they are fighting for the last burger on the plate? Lillie counts the money they receive and then they are off. Brobbie tells the camera that initially, the other Teams wrote the Friends of Gulliver off but now that they realize just how "strong" the Team is (after all, they can't read a road map or get a cab but Brobbie has invented a new language on her own), these other Teams are "ballistic" because they are "jealous". I really laugh at that statement. I don't think the other Teams are now taking the Friends of Gulliver lightly, that I agree with Brobbie, but I don't know what she means by the other Teams getting worked up with jealousy. The C+Cs aren't jealous. Why should they be as they are ahead of the Friends of Gulliver? Or is she saying that Christie is jealous because Colin has the hots for Brobbie? Or is Colin jealous because Brobbie has the hots for Philo? Oh, my head. Meanwhile, Brobbie tells Lillie that they have to hurry because they don't want the other Teams to see them, even if the other Teams will be heading in the same direction and it is oh-so easy for them to ask anyone, "Did you see that midget running by? Where did she go?" because people who have seen Lillie will definitely remember where she went. Oh, this Team. Half the drama they get into is perpetuated by their own selves.
It is 6:45 am when the GLPPs take off. Hmm, it looks like after all the sneaky efforts the Friends of Gulliver got into to get an early flight last week, they still had only a four-minute lead at the end of the day. I guess Lillie's short legs must have really slowed them down. Still, despite Lillie's inability to move as fast as the others on foot and Brobbie's lack of physical strength and mental fortitude, they come this far and remain currently the only Team to have never slipped out of the top five fastest teams. I'm impressed. Back to the GLPPs, Joan talks about what an awesome partner Moppet is. Love and God have moved in today and the GLPPs are so happy. I'm starting to like them, especially when they aren't shoving God down my throat, and I don't want to like them. Can the GLPPs resume their inept backstabbing while maintaining their moral superiority over other Teams, please?
6:46 am. The Quotas depart. They point out that they receive $65 for this leg of the Race. As they leave, Kim talks about how she doesn't feel that she is contributing to the Team and hopes to build her confidence so that she can be of more use. She can start by smiling a little because she is really looking haggard and weary. Chip looks like a man in his thirties while Kim, with her dour expression, looks like she's cracking sixty.
Back at the Pyramid, Lillie calls out to Brobbie as she waddles up the stone steps that the other Teams have caught up with them. As they walk down the tunnel, Brobbie, who has announced last week that she's claustrophobic, starts getting anxious. Lillie doesn't have to bend her body and move slowly so this is the first time she gets to scamper ahead of Brobbie and calls back to her cousin to hurry up. How does it feel to be at the receiving end, Brobbie? With the GLPPs just behind them, the Friends of Gulliver move down to the Creation Chamber. Lillie says that she is having fun and the tunnels are just "her place". Detractors sigh because she can't remain inside the Pyramid for the rest of the season. Despite her claims that she will freak out, Brobbie manages to keep her cool. They read their clue and take off.
Moppet says that it is very hot inside the tunnel so he "strips" (as Joan describes it) off his shirt. In the confessional, Joan chuckles and says that Moppet has a great body while Moppet looks quite bashful. The camera does a close-up on Moppet's glistening body as he follows Joan out of the chamber after they've read the clue. Actually, that body looks more scrawny than "great" to me but then again, I like some meat on my guy and the whole skinny "Ribcage and Boi" male model look has never appealed to me. For some reason, Brobbie sees fit to comment on the camera that Moppet is cute. Oh dear, I hope Colin doesn't hear her say this. He's already threatened to bash Philo's head with one of those red-and-yellow flags. No one comes between he and Brobbie, after all! Back to the Race, as they leave Lillie tells Moppet to put his shirt back on. He must be dripping sweat onto her head or something.
Chip Quota good-naturedly complains about how far he must bend down as he and his wife move down the tunnel after the other two Teams have departed.
The Friends of Gulliver hail a cab outside the Pyramid. Oh look, it's the same lecherous coot who was so taken with the Downtown Hiltons in the last episode! Is he stalking them now? Good! He should give that creepy lady from the Hermitage a call and they can both stalk the idiot sisters together. Maybe we can make a new reality show out of this. Anyway, the Quotas and the GLPPs also get cabs and they are all on their way to the old airport. Yes, they are make sure that the drivers know that they want to go to the old airport. Lillie and Brobbie speak in Arabian to their cab driver so for once they don't have to create a new language for the occasion.
The C+Cs are currently at Terminal One of the domestic airport and they learn from the guy behind the ticket counter that they have missed getting tickets for the 7:30 am flight (it is now a 7:12 am and the departure gate is already closed). There are no other flights available except for the 11:30 am charter flight. Colin is not happy that he won't be able to finish the Race one month ahead of the others. Awww, poor thing. Didn't anyone tell him that these things happen on this Race?
At 7:12 am, the Grouchy Fat Slobs leave. They are wearing T-shirts and caps bearing the name of their pizza hole, Caffeine Nostril or something. Do they think that I will want to drop by? Maybe I will, but that's only to scribble rude graffitis on the window. Munch says that his knees feel better but at the same time, the nerves under his kneecaps are hurting. Hmm, I don't think he's getting better at all. Anyhow, poor Lance is forced to carry both their bags and he looks mighty annoyed about it while Munch hobbles slowly behind him. They walk past a camel and Lance asks why they can't get a camel. Because the camel will die under both their weights, that's why. Lance is quite doubtful about Munch's ability to climb back up from the tunnel after they've gone all the way down. In his cab, Chip is looking quite chirpy as he ponders about Munch's knees and speculates that Munch will be in a lot of pain because Chip has problems in that tunnel too and Chip's knees are fine.
We are now at Terminal Two at the domestic airport where the GLPPs, the Quotas, and the Friends of Gulliver look confused as they wonder whether they are at the right place. The Friends of Gulliver speak to a guy (in Arabic, Brobbie explains in her voiceover) who tells the ladies to try going to Terminal One. The Friends decide to wait until a Team shows up in a cab and then get that cab to get to Terminal One. It sounds like a ridiculous plan considering that the next Team may show up half an hour later, but everything makes sense when who shows up next in a cab but the C+Cs! These two Teams must have inner radars finely attuned to allow them to clash at every possible chance.
Colin and Christie leave the cab but leave their bags in the trunk because they want to check first whether this is the correct place to be. Lillie hops into the cab just as Colin tells the Friends of Gulliver that the cab is his. Brobbie points out that the C+Cs have left the cabs so yeah, suck on it, that disgusting criminal! Colin says that he hasn't, when in fact, he has. When the two ladies do not move, he gets more annoyed. "We never f**king left it! Our s**t is in the car! My bags are in the trunk!" he snaps at them. Brobbie only gives him a challenging look. "My f**king bags in the trunk!" Colin now tells her in a much louder voice. The cab driver tells Brobbie something, maybe for she and Colin to get a room. Christie, not pleased with the way her man is having it bad for Brobbie, loudly says, "Get out! That is so rude!" I don't know if she's talkng about Brobbie, Colin, about the cab, or about her life in general. Just be pretty, Christie, and stay silent because pageant belles are more tolerable that way. Finally, the Friends of Gulliver get out, but Christie is not finished. "The audacity of these people!" she exclaims. And judging from the preview of next week's episode when she tries to block a doorway from the Friends of Gulliver, she's the one to talk about manners.
Oh, get off the high horse. The C+Cs left the cab, it's plain to see, and the Friends of Gulliver are within their rights to board that cab because they don't know that the C+Cs have, as Colin explains smugly, their bags in the trunk and they haven't paid the driver yet. But because these two Teams are so intent on getting on each other's nerves, the C+Cs naturally cannot be reasonable and explain why the other Team can't have the cab, telling them to get out first and then smugly pointing out that their bags are in the trunk later.
The Friends of Gulliver aren't finished either. Lillie sniffs and snaps at the C+Cs as she leaves the cab, demanding to know why they are waiting here if they don't want anybody to use the cab. To the camera, Brobbie compares the situation to junior high where Colin is the bully. Naturally, he and Christie disgust her. Colin, meanwhile, brags about how smart he is to have prevented the Friends of Gulliver from getting his cab while Christie again insists that she can't get over how rude the Friends are. Look, Christie, stop trying so hard to become the focus of attention because now that he has Brobbie, Colin will soon find you dispensible. Brobbie meanwhile looks at the C+Cs and then to the camera says that the C+Cs are "maniacs". She repeats this in Arabic to the people around her who have gathered to watch before spitting to the ground. Cool! Her friends better start sewing their bridesmaid dresses because Brobbie and Colin are definitely getting there.
I am really looking forward to their showdown which I hope is as nail-bitingly good as last season's MillieChuck versus the Barrs showdown in that exciting Sandakan leg of the Race. Knowing how this Show plays up their rivalry where both the Friends and the C+Cs are pushing each other's buttons just for the heck of it, that showdown is definitely over the horizon. At the very least, one of them will definitely Yield the other Team, heh heh.
The Grouchy Fat Slobs wheeze, geeze, and moan their way down and up the tunnel, with Munch having a nice patch of sand on his backside to accentuate his elephantine buttcheeks. Lance tells Munch that they can make the 11:30 am flight as it is still early.
Chip explains that the four Teams at the domestic terminal finally sort out the confusion and realize that Terminal Two is where they should be. They get inside and proceed to get tickets for the charter flight. So all that cab drama is for nothing, like all of the drama the C+Cs and the Friends of Gulliver have gotten into.
8:33 am. The Downtown Hiltons leave. To continue with their theme song I'm With Stupid But Even Stupid Doesn't Want Me, one of the idiot sisters tells the camera that they are generally confused throughout the Race, such as reading the clues but not really understanding them, a state which she believes can explain why they are performing poorly. As the Downtown Hiltons pause at the entrance to the Pyramid, one of them asks what they should do. "Descend?" she wonders. Either she doesn't know what "descend" means in the Clue or she is genuinely puzzled at what she should do when faced with an entrance and a banner over that entrance pointing for them to go in. It doesn't matter, she's still dumb. They descend anyway.
The Grouchy Fat Slobs arrive at the domestic airport while the Downtown Hiltons reach the Creation Chamber.
The Bates Sisters depart at 10:08 am. Wow, they are really trailing behind the Downtown Hiltons despite the creative editing in the episode last week suggesting that it is a close race between them and the Downtown Hiltons. Linda can still laugh when their clue tells them that they aren't getting money for this leg of the Race. The first thing they have to do, therefore, is to beg for money. Linda Bates has an apple which she hopes to trade for some money. Despite - or maybe because of - the cameras trailing them, the first few tourists they encounter aren't so charitable. The Bates Sisters target tourists because they reason that the locals can't have too much money to spare, by the way. Then comes a big bus of tourists with fat wallets and the Bates Sisters hit the motherload. Oh, and no one wants the apple. The Bates Sisters are upbeat and cheery again and are soon on their way to the Pyramid. After getting the clue in the Creation Chamber, they realize that they have less than an hour to make the 11:30 am charter flight and make haste to leave the Pyramid and get a cab.
The Downtown Hiltons join the other five Teams at the airport. Upon realizing that the Bates Sisters are not among them, everyone tries to look stoic and calm but is in fact praying and hoping that the Bates Sisters won't show up. The Bates Sisters get into a cab and tell the driver to go to the old airport. In fact, they make it clear that they want to go to the o-lllllll-d airport and ask the driver whether he understands what they are saying. He says yes. And takes them to the new airport. The Bates Sisters lose their temper, an act which amounts to a short flurry of finger tapping on the back of the front seat and saying only a little sharply, "Old! Old! Olllllld!" Finally, they make it to the correct airport at 11:33 am, where they are delighted to learn that all flights out of the terminal are delayed. Yes! The other Teams are not that happy to see the cheerful mothers though. Colin grumbles that every Team is on this flight so the C+Cs' lead is truly flushed down the drain.
The plane finally departs for Luxor at 1:45 pm, carrying all Teams (oh cheer up, Colin, here's a knife for you to play with). It is 2:30 pm when it lands in Luxor. Brobbie goes all habibi on the driver, asking him to go faster, and this urging is echoed by every other Team in its respective cabs. It is the Quotas' driver that proves to be the fastest of them all, as Chip hoots in delight while the others scowl when the Quotas' cab pushes its way to the front. Some cab drivers are too eager to please, especially when there are cameras trained on them.
At the Karnak temple, there is some jostling at the counter as the Teams try to get in line buy tickets. The Quotas buy their tickets first, followed by Bates Sisters, the Downtown Hiltons, and then the C+Cs. There is a metal railing separating the "in" and "out" lines, and Brobbie rather shamelessly - okay, very shamelessly - walks along the empty "out" row and then slips under the railing to cut in the line forming at the "in" row. Of course she just has to cut in exactly as Colin is walking towards her direction. His shoulders hit hers in a far from gentle impact. Brobbie stands in front of the GLPPs and loudly complains that "that guy" pushed her and then disappeared, what a creep. Off-camera, Colin probably touches the spot where his shoulders hit Brobbie's and presses his fingers to his lips. It's love we are talking about, after all.
And it has to be love when Brobbie rather smugly tells the camera that Colin is jealous of her. Don't ask, because the last time I try to untangle Brobbie's logic I needed an aspirin. She furthermore says that Colin suffering from "Napoleon complex". Colin isn't that tall, true, but I have a feeling that he's more concerned about the size of his manhood. She says that Colin is a "crazy person" who is trying to "assault" her (was it good for her too?). She suggests that Colin is this way towards her because unlike Christie who is "submissive" and hence can be "dominated" by Colin, Brobbie doesn't let him cow her. Maybe Colin and Brobbie can have a joint TV wedding with the Robfather and Ambore on a CBS special.
On a more sober note - heh - I am really enjoying this feud because unlike the Barrs who systematically prod and annoy the MillieChuck last season and let's face it, the MillieChuck is a rather easy target, both the C+Cs and the Friends of Gulliver are pushing each other's buttons. I suspect that all I have to do to get Colin to foam at the mouth is to mention Brobbie and vice-versa. These two Teams are in serious danger of losing focus of the Race to the point that they will let the other Teams sneak past them to the finish line. And when both Teams approach meltdown in ground zero, I am sure that the drama that results will be prime entertainment!
Having put Colin behind her, Brobbie asks for student tickets for both her and Lillie. One of the Grouchy Fat Slobs immediately barks out that neither of the Friends are students. Brobbie should have just spoken in Arabic.
Don't ask me how but the Downtown Hiltons are the first to reach the clue stand in Karnak Temple. How inspiring, maybe one day I will win the lottery too! The idiot sisters realize that it's now time for a Detour. Philo steps out to explain that Teams must choose between "Herd It" and "Haul It". What, no "Screw It"? A Team choosing to "herd it" must travel to Banana Island five miles from Karnak Temple in a bullock cart. There, they must herd ten goats or sheep into a boat and get the boat man to bring them across the Nile to the other side. The upside is that once the Team is on the boat, the Detour will be completed very quickly. The downside should be obvious. In "haul it", the Team will go to a nearby farm. Accompanied by a donkey, the Team must travel to a river near the farm and use a traditional water collection device called the syaduf to collect enough water to fill to the indicated level a medium-sized urn of the overexcited chirpy farmhouse owner who I'll just call Fat Abu. Ah, but Philo wonders how many trip a Team may have to take to the river and back to fill up that urn? Oh, who is he kidding? "Haul it" should be easy.
The Downtown Hiltons had previously proven just how good they are with dogs so they think that bonding with goats and sheep should be easy. The Quotas decide to choose "herd it" too. Next to reach the clue stand is the C+Cs, who decide to "haul it". The GLPPs decide to haul too. The Grouchy Fat Slobs decide that with Munch's weak knees, hauling ten goats into a boat is the only option they can take compared to the truly difficult task of Lance operating a lever to fill a jug with water. Seriously, why do they have to be stupid and disgusting, instead of just being disgusting? The Friends of Gulliver, remembering the fun Brobbie had with cattle both dead and alive in previous legs of the Race, decide to play with goats and sheep too. At least they aren't cows that can inflict Brobbie with mad cow disease when she touches them, right?
In their bullock cart, Chip finds it amusing that he can't pronounce syaduf. I understand - I have the same problem whenever I try to decipher what those so-called hip-hop rappers are mumbling over the radio nowadays. Meanwhile, the Bates Sisters have decided to herd it too (they too have fond memories of the dogs in Buenos Aires and they want an encore quality time with animals) and ask their driver very, very carefully to take them to Banana Island. After two unfortunate incidents involving clueless drivers, they are not taking anymore chances. Linda Bates says that the Bates Sisters are feeling "high" because they are back in the Race. How do these ladies manage to remain so upbeat and chirpy all the time? Is there a deeper significance to her use of the word "high"? The mind boggles. At the back of the back, the Grouchy Fat Slobs are slowly hobbling towards the clue stand. Munch comments that it is a beautiful day. Lance agrees - the day is fantastic. Don't be fooled into thinking that they are actually taking time to admire the view because they sound more like resigned and unhappy people forced to go on a diet rather than people who are actually enjoying the scenery.
Colin and Moppet are on their donkeys now while Christie and Joan pull those donkeys. If this isn't the perfect symbolism of their relationship on this Race, I don't know what is. Colin is happy. He voices over that he's the guy who gets things done and while he's at it, he also takes care of his woman, Christie, who of course leaves everything to him. Colin can keep repeating that until he believes it, but he's still not going to get any taller and neither would his penis get any longer. Won't it be better for him to overcompensate for his insecurities in silence? Here's the memo, can someone send it to him pronto?
Moppet though isn't so benign. He tells Joan not to pull the donkey too hard. Both Joan and the donkey have the same miserable expression. She tells the camera that the Moppet can get too impatient and maybe they should try being "kind" to each other instead of just snapping and goading each other on. Still, she keeps pulling the donkey and he tells her to slow down, saying that he wants to have kids. Poor Moppet, first his fear of crevices is exposed for the whole world to see and now his family jewels are getting bruised. His manhood is really taking a beating on this Race.
Oh look, the Grouchy Fat Slobs are on their way to Banana Island. They want to play with the goats and sheep too. Munch says that they may be last but they are not giving up. Um, okay, if they say so.
The Downtown Hiltons by chance mention to their driver that they need to go to Banana Island. The driver abruptly turns around. Bummer, it turns out that he's misheard them but now the Downtown Hiltons manage to accidentally save themselves. This causes the two idiot sisters to argue over whether they have given the driver the correct destination in the first place (don't ask). One of them tells the other to always remember that they must give their drivers "specific" instructions. Are they really this stupid outside the Race or is it just the stress that is getting to them?
The Quotas have reached Banana Island and are now making their acquaintances with the goats. Chip tells the camera that there are "little baby goats" as well as "big old horse-sized goats". The goats aren't too cooperative though so Chip finally resorts to having Kim stand by and block any impertinent creatures that try to jump off the boat while he carries the ten goats they need, one by one, onto the boat. One look at Kim's sullen frown and the goats become too petrified to move.
Colin and his donkey (not to be confused with Christie) and oh yes, Christie (not to be confused with the donkey) make it back to Fat Abu's house. Fat Abu is very enthusiastic about being on TV so he yells at them to go back and get more water. I hope that while they are gone he tips some water out of the urn so that he can be on TV some more. As the C+Cs pass the GLPPs who are coming in, Colin tells them, "Looking good, guys." Oh, he's a walking dictionary of antiquated once-cool now-corny phrases, isn't he? Fat Abu also yells at the GLPPs to go get more water.
Kim Quota is worried that she's not doing her part as Chip throws the poor goats onto their boat. She complains that the goats are smelly and funky (funky?) so she can't bring herself to help her husband carry those creatures. Finally Chip hauls the tenth goat onto their boat and their Goat Boat takes off just as the Bates Sisters, the Downtown Hiltons, and the Friends of Gulliver arrive.
"Bravo! Bravo!" Fat Abu yells as the C+Cs finally fill the urn to the indicated level. He hands them their Clue. "Bravo! Bravo!" he yells again when the GLPPs also completed their Detour. Okay, so Fat Abu wants to show off that he watches American TV shows on his cable channel. I hope his mom is proud. Anyway, the clue tells the Teams to go to the Habu Temple, a big building as Philo describes it (duh). So it's time once again to tell the cab driver to hurry. In his cab, Colin wonders aloud to the camera that whether his Detour is the faster of the two. Yes it is and no, Colin, you're still not getting any taller.
Chip and Kim are enjoying the view of the Nile from the Goat Boat. As per his tendency to put way too much Importance on his experiences, Chip talks about how amazing it is to go to the Nile where Moses did his thing and all that, yadda yadda yadda, and concludes that he feels blessed. I'm starting to suspect that he's the kind of guy who will feel blessed even when he walks into the toilet of a restaurant because man oh man, the urinals are so clean that he can rub his cheek against one and he is so fortunate to find a place to pee, amen.
Back in Banana Island, Kathy Bates haul the goats and sheep onto her boat while Linda toodles and keeps watch on the critters on the boat. Brobbie is doing the hauling while Lillie tells her to grab the small ones. Naturally, Brobbie wails that she is going to die, she is scared of them, the usual drama queen nonsense. One of the naughty cattle hop off the boat. Lillie tells Brobbie that she is scared of the goats and sheep and then points at one surly-looking sheep, telling Brobbie that it is the "bad one". The sheep's nostrils flare at the camera. Hey don't look at me, I'm just here to watch, Mr Sheep.
The Downtown Hiltons take off after hauling in their tenth cattle and one of them sneezes before saying that she is allergic to poop. No, that's what she says. If their teachers are watching this show, I hope they make the idiot sisters stay back a little later after school for remedial classes. This leaves only the Friends of Gulliver still hauling sheep. Brobbie wails that she's going to die and they are so behind and oh, she's definitely going to die. Lillie yells at her to hurry up because she doesn't want to stay in this place "forever". Brobbie wails that this task is too hard for her. I feel so sorry for their camera crew who must have heard the unedited Brobbie and Lillie Moan and Groan Unhappy Hour in all its glory in up close and personal. At least I have my remote control with that wonderful mute button. Here's a basket of get-well-soon good wishes to the eardrums of the camera crew involved! After more yelling and screaming, they get their sheep and goats and finally leave.
Finally, the Grouchy Fat Slobs reach the Detour spot. Lance hauls the sheep and goats while Munch watches. He tells the cameras that he has enough energy for the both of them. Hurrah! Munch says that he is so proud of Lance. Yeah, I'm sure Lance will appreciate that.
The Quotas reach the other side of the Nile and receive their clue.
At Habu Temple, the C+Cs realize that it's time for a Roadblock. The Team member performing the Roadblock must have a lot of patience. Colin says that he'll do it. Christie, remembering how caviar brings out the Hannibal Lecter in him, is understandably incredulous.
Philo explains that this Roadblock will represent archeology, the fanciest jargon associated with Egypt. Teams will have to dig in a designated square cell in a sand pit to find a buried scarab tablet. Once they have this scarab, they can get their next Clue from the overseer. As Colin digs, he asks Christie what a scarab is. Is it a sword? No, it isn't, Colin, and no, I don't think it will increase the size of his little winkie either. He picks up a rock. Is this a scarab? Christie tells him that it's a rock, heh. He moans that this Roadblock can take hours to complete.
The Bates Sisters reach the other side of the Nile.
The GLPPs arrive at the Roadblock and Moppet decides to do the digging. The C+Cs are not pleased to see the GLPPs but they are all insincere smiles when the GLPPs say hi. Moppet asks the C+Cs what a scarab is. The C+Cs don't know and Joan tells Moppet to just look and maybe they'll find something that will turn out to be the scarab.
In his cab to Habu Temple, Chip says that his hands are stinking after manhandling those sheep and goats. The Bates Sisters are in a cab behind them and they twitter their usual hee-hees about beating the Downtown Hiltons and the Friends of Gulliver.
The Downtown Hiltons deliver the goats and sheep and receive their clue.
Chip and Kim reach Habu Temple and after reading the Roadblock clue, he tells her that she's the patient one and heh, she's finally getting to do a Roadblock.
The Moppet digs and begs God to help him. God is too busy solving the problems of Egypt's troublesome neighbors to drop a dictionary on his head, alas.
The Friends of Gulliver finally cross the Nile and make their way to Habu Temple.
The Quotas enter the Temple dig site and Colin asks them whether they know what a scarab is. The Quotas don't know as well. I don't understand these people. Where do they come from, not to know what a scarab is? Or maybe I've been hanging out with erudite company for too long? Finally, Colin finds it and shows it to the other two Teams before running off with Christie to get their clue. He tells her that they've finally gotten lucky and she of course tells him that he's done a good job as per her role as the designated cheerleader. The Team must now travel by ferry from the West Nile Ferry Port to the Pit Stop of this leg of the Race, Crocodile Island. Philo calls the island a "lush plantation on the banks of the Nile". Um, okay, that's illuminating. I'm sure nobody cares whether there really are crocodiles on that island, eh, Philo?
The Grouchy Fat Slobs reach the other side of the Nile and receive the Clue telling them to go to the Habu Temple.
The Bates Sisters reach the temple and decide that Linda will dig for the scarab.
At the dig, Moppet is getting very impatient. Joan reassures him that she's doing fine. She probably has a lot of practice in doing this. Oh, he's finished too soon! But he's doing fine, she'll tell him. Oh no, he can't get it up! Still, he's doing fine, she'll reassure him. Eeek, dark wet crevices! Don't worry, she'll say to him soothingly, he's doing fine. But surely there is ought to be a limit somewhere?
Kim is getting discouraged and whines to the camera that she is just digging non-stop. Well, it's not as if she can do anything else as this is a dig Roadblock. I finally know what Booby Cooper is - it's Chip's nickname for his wife. "Hey Booby, dig over there," he tells her. Booby, huh? Ugh. The Bates Sisters join in the fun followed by the Downtown Hiltons. Nobody knows what a scarab is. The Idiot Downtown Hilton That Digs picks up a sandy lump and flings it away in horror, speculating that it might be a lump of "dried poop". Then the Friends of Gulliver join them, with Brobbie performing the dig because she has her glasses with her (not that she's wearing them). Moppet begins beseeching God to help him and asks Joan to pray for him. She tells him that she has been praying for him all along. God should have just told them to shut up and keep digging.
Kim finally finds her scarab and she and Chip run off. Lillie tries to see what Kim is hiding in her hands and tells Brobbie that a scarab looks like a "rock", which is helpful for Brobbie. "Dig!" Lillie yells at Brobbie, unleashing all her pent-up frustrations from all those times Brobbie yelled at her to hurry up. "Dig your ass over!" That? I don't want to know.
Kim tells the camera that she feels great because after doing just one Roadblock, she is Contributing now, woo-hoo! I'll find out whether she'll resume letting Chip do everything from now on (an unfortunately too-popular strategy among too many co-ed teams on this Race - just look at the C+Cs and the GLPPs) or she'll insist on doing more. Oh, I miss those teams where the female partner contributes as much as the male partner, like the Frankenstein Monster and his Bride from Season One and John Vito and Rambette Girl in Season Three. The only Team to fit the bill this Season is unfortunately Alison and her Donkey, ugh.
Dig, dig, dig. Moppet talks about how insecure he is (well, the package does look tiny in those bus-ads of his). Linda says that she just knows that the scarab will show up at the last place she looks. The Idiot Downtown Hilton That Doesn't Dig tells the Idiot That Digs that she is sure that the scarab is over there, just keep digging there. Ah, their reliable instincts. I'm sure it's there, definitely, just keep digging! And what do you know, it is there! The other Teams watch miserably as the Downtown Hiltons take off. One of the idiot sisters amuse the local kiddies by falling on her face. Nice. She should do that more often. (That also explains their dim-wittedness, hubby says, especially if these idiot sisters fall down more often.)
Brobbie is as usual wailing that she will just die and she can't go faster, blah blah blah, while Lillie is telling her to hurry up. Ugh, I like this Team when they're doing sneaky things and annoying the heck out of the ridiculously overbearing C+Cs, but I do not enjoy watching and listening to them when they have to do a remotely physical Detour or Roadblock. Meanwhile, Linda is digging a deep ditch that Colin can surely appreciate. Hubby points out that the scarabs of the other Teams are actually buried close to the surface and suspects that Linda is actually burying the scarab deeper under the mound of sand she is making around her. Moppet gets insecure some more. And then he finds the scarab, hooray, and the GLPPs are off. Brobbie wails that nobody can expect her to dig faster after she's carried all those sheep. Linda gets angry. And they keep digging and digging and digging. Lillie sighs and says that this will be a long night indeed. Out of the blue, Brobbie finds the scarab and then she and Lillie are off, leaving the poor Bates Sisters to dig some more.
"I see the flags and I see the Pit Stop, baby! Land-ho!" That's Colin, using the binoculars and spying the Pit Stop from his boat. Land-ho? Seriously, this guy is up there with Duran Duran when it comes to being relevant. Philo and the VIP Skinny Abu greet them. They are the first team and they have won a trip to "exotic" Mexico. I guess that to a guy who says "land-ho" and "looking good", Mexico will be exotic.
"Baby, stop trying to get all gussied up so you can come off like the Nile queen Nefertiti!" Chip tells his wife. Shouldn't the Queen of the Nile be Cleopatra? Behind them, the Downtown Hiltons remark that sunset over the Nile is a remarkable sight. It is. Shame about the two stupid girls spoiling the view though. Look, the GLPPs and the Friends of Gulliver are on their way too.
Linda digs, digs, digs. "You know, if the brothers come and find it in two seconds, I'm going to be pissed!" she exclaims. She's getting really frustrated and I don't blame her. This Roadblock is all about luck and she's just not lucky. She is a very good digger though. I wonder whether she has lots of practice.
Speaking of the brothers, they now read the Roadblock clue and Lance of course goes for it.
The Quotas are team number two.
Linda wails as she digs. Where is that blasted thing? The Grouchy Fat Slobs are approaching, uh oh.
The Downtown Hiltons are team unumber three. Yeah, thanks to luck.
Linda digs. The Grouchy Fat Slobs inch closer towards the dig site.
The GLPPs are team number four.
Dig, dig, dig. And the Grouchy Fat Slobs are really inching slowly towards the dig site.
The Friends of Gulliver are team number five.
The Bates Sisters finally locate the scarab and dash out of the site.
It is now night when Lance starts digging in the now deserted dig site. Munch sits in a chair and watches, telling the camera how disappointing it is that they can't go on any farther because until then, they were able to keep up with the other Teams "easily".
The Bates Sisters are team number six. They talk about starting out with no money yet managing to stay in the Race, woo-hoo (thanks, Linda).
Lance throws down the spade, saying that the other six spots have been thoroughly dug and it will be a waste of his time to continue digging. "Game over, we are done," he tells Munch. To make a long story short, Philo comes in much later to mercy-eliminate them and the two idiots make a big fuss about how much they love each other and how they would have gone on if it weren't for those damned knees. And Munch of course praises and thanks Lance for not quitting on him, completely forgetting that Lance did just that by throwing down the trowel. And then they're done, good riddance.
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