The Amazing Race 5: Episode 7
Previously, Colin and Brobbie get physical, the Bates Sisters beg for alms from tourists, and the Grouchy Fat Slobs quit and are eliminated solely out of formality. Now, six teams remain. Who will be eliminated next? Gah. There are two reasons why I can really hate watching this show. One, the episode where my favorite Team gets eliminated. I'd have thought after suffering through that ordeal for, oh, let's see, the Genteels, Team Momily, the Frat Bastards, the Zoolander Twins, the Cordelias, the Hot Mommas - okay six times - it'll be easier for me but it's not. And then there's another painful reason - watching a Team I really dislike win. I've suffered through the boring Esquire Lawyers, the even more lackwitted Boston Bulldogs, and Flodungka and her Mumbler win a million dollars. I'm sure I'll be adding the C+Cs to that list, unless there really is some justice in this world and Colin suffers a meltdown so bad that they have to lock him up in a mental asylum at the end of the day.
Credits. Why are the Friends of Gulliver doing their weird circular jiggy-wiggy dance thingy in that house front lawn? What is that all about, anyway?
Philo "I'm Packed And Ready To Go!" Koughie recaps that Teams are now rested at the sixth Pit Stop of the Race, Crocodile Island somewhere in the Nile in the Luxor region. Incidentally, there is not one crocodile in sight. No, that's not a crocodile, that's just Colin running up to the Pit Stop doing a stupid firing gesture with his thumb and index finger, a gesture that is yet another addition to his behavioral and linguistic compendium of that thick volume called Short, Ugly Bad-Tempered Dweeb Trying To Be Cool But Failing Miserably. I know why they didn't show that scene during the last episode. After "land-ho" and "feeling good", that firing gesture is one too many laughably uncool antic from Colin. He should also tell his whipping post Christie not to get too close to the Downtown Hiltons because I'm sure there's a cosmic law somewhere that says that if three emptyheaded bimbos put their heads close together, the universe will explode or something. Philo wonders whether the Friends of Gulliver and the C+Cs will fight some more. You think, Philo? He also wonders whether the Bates Sisters will ever find a way to be not last. And with that, the Race is ready to begin.
5:33 am. The C+Cs rip open the clue and discover that they must travel to Nairobi, Kenya. At the airport, they must sign up for a charter flight to what Philo calls a "mystery destination". Hmm, dare I hope that the show is going to strand the Teams at the top of Mount Kilimanjaro? The gorillas will love chasing and throwing stones at the Teams. Anyway, Philo explains that Teams will now take a cab to the Luxor Airport where they will get a domestic flight to Cairo's old airport. From the Cairo International Airport, Teams will have to find their way to Nairobi. Christie and Colin count their money - $75 - and take off. Christie tries to pretend that she's trying not to get overconfident at this leg of the Race because you can come in first and still be eliminated next week but come on, who is she trying to fool? Anyway, I hope she saves some of her share of the money for the post-witness-protection-program nest egg, especially if she intends to pursue a relationship with Colin in the future.
At 6:01 am, the Quotas take off. Chip says that to win the Race, one needs brainpower as much as brawn. Kim says that they are doing everything right at this point of the Race, which may or may not refer to the fact that Chip is carrying her on his shoulders while she curls back her lips and scowls at the world ahead like a horrifying gorgon figurehead on USS Eat Anything Chip. I like this Team but I never actually warmed up to them because they never come alive to me. Still, I don't mind if they win. At this point, I'm operating on the "Anyone but the C+Cs or the GLPPs" principle.
"Woo! Woo!" The Downtown Hiltons jump up and down in perfect unison when they realize that they are going to Kenya. They are trying so hard to appear, I don't know, hip and trendy and exciting perhaps, but when they watch back the episodes of this Season, they may be smart enough to understand what the rest of the audience do: they and their incessant stupidity are the running joke of this season. Still, I have to admire their lack of self-awareness. It takes a really big delusion to look into the mirror every morning and tell myself, "I am hot, sexy, manipulative, and a total babe!" the way these two idiot sisters must tell themselves every morning. It's like Skeletal Bad-Shampoo Brainless Barbie looking in the mirror and seeing Gwyneth Paltrow grinning back at her. One of them says that they are confident of coming in first because they came in third last week. All they need to do is be in control in everything they do, she adds. I hope she includes "think" in her definition of what she and her idiot sister need to do on this Race.
The C+Cs arrive at the airport. The Quotas are still on the road, but they are close on the C+Cs' tail. Folks, get ready for more airport drama to ensue.
It is 6:10 am when the GLPPs take off. Moppet talks about how he puts his faith in the Lord but he understands that the Lord may not have planned for the GLPPs to win. Wait, does God even watch this show? How does He find the time in between everything going on in this world that needs his attention? With so many Teams invoking God this season, the poor Lord may get a little cross-eyed in trying to figure out which Virtuous, Valiant Christian Team he'd give the money to. Maybe that's why he'll give the money to the C+Cs, because Colin will need that money to pay for a good defense lawyer one of these days. Hmm, Brobbie is a lawyer, isn't she? Oh, the Lord can be so clever and He's a hopeless romantic too! Joan follows Moppet's His-Love-Thy-Will-Be-Done speech with her more down-to-earth expression of love for the Egyptians. Don't ask me if this is similar in any manner to Mariah Carey's alleged love for the starving kiddies in Africa where she'd love to be that skinny, only in a prettier way of course.
The Quotas and the Downtown Hiltons walk into the airport and join the C+Cs in staring at the ticket counters.
6:28 am. The Friends of Gulliver take off... or not quite, as they laugh when they fail to rip open the clue envelope at first try. Ooh, this is foreshadowing at its finest! As they head off to get a cab, Brobbie tells the camera that the other Teams are not underestimating them anymore but rather, they overestimate the Friends of Gulliver instead. They are wearing the same red dresses that they wore for their confessional in the last episode, so this speech of hers is taken from the same context where she talks about how the other Teams are green with jealousy at just how good the Friends are. So what is Brobbie saying? Are the other Teams jealous because they are overestimating them? Brobbie goes on to say that she and Lillie can't do everything and they are here to have a good time. This show is using some creative editing to make Brobbie come off as an uber-bitch with a touch of power-hungry delusion but I suspect that what Brobbie really said in the unedited confessional is more rational that what it is presented on the show. If anything, the show has given away the conclusion of this episode, because Brobbie has just said that the Friends of Gulliver are vulnerable and not as strong or sneaky as other people believe them to be.
6:33 am. As the Bates Sisters toodle and woodle and hee-hee their way out of the starting line, Kathy says that Linda has been very hard at work in making sure that their moods remain high throughout the Race. In the first show of human weakness, Linda confesses that it can get really hard sometimes to keep an upbeat outlook when everything seems to be going wrong for the Bates Sisters in the Race. They never say die and they march on like troopers even when the odds seem stacked against them - how can I not adore this Team?
In their cab, Brobbie asks the driver to lend her his cell phone. "You give cell phone, we give dollar," she tells the driver. With faced such a tempting offer, how can he refuse? Brobbie learns that there is flight to Cairo at 7:00 am. Lillie points out that it is now twenty minutes to 7:00 am. There is very little chance for them to make that flight. Which, by the way, is what the C+Cs, the Downtown Hiltons, and the Quotas will be taking.
The GLPPs and the Friends of Gulliver reach the airport where they are happy to learn that the 7:00 am flight has been delayed. Lillie happily says that everything is delayed in this country. Too bad she forgets to remind Brobbie of her insight later on, sigh. The Bates Sisters catch up too and it's a merry party indeed on the 7:00 am flight as everyone is once more starting at the same foot.
Philo comes out to explain, in case I've forgotten his explanation five minutes ago, that Teams are heading towards Cairo where they will then fly out to Nairobi. My memory isn't gone yet and his package isn't that mesmerizing so there isn't a need for so many repeat explanations. If he wants to get on TV and flaunt that big boy of his more often, may I suggest that Philo takes part in the next season, partnered with, say, Anderson Cooper, and every Detour and Road Block will have to be performed in the nude?
There are cabs marked with the familiar yellow and red flags waiting to take the Teams to the Cairo International Airport once the Teams have arrived in the old airport. Everyone starts to urge his or her driver to go faster. One of these days I'd love to hear a driver ask back what will happen if he's involved in an accident as cab insurance doesn't cover reckless driving.
The Downtown Hiltons are the first to arrive. Either the cab driver is manipulated into driving faster or he just wants them out of his cab as soon as possible. For some reason I find it easier to believe the second possibility. They ask for tickets to "Kenya, Africa" - does this mean it is okay to say "Canada, America" instead of just "Canada" from now on? - only to be told that the ticket office is closed. The people in Cairo is very particular about getting enough sleep every day.
The C+Cs and the Friends of Gulliver arrive at around the same time. As Colin is paying the driver or taking their bags out from the back, Christie is at the doorway first and as she yells at Colin to hurry, our Miss Manners block it with her hands. Of course, she'll make a more effective barrier if she doesn't make broomsticks look fat. "Excuse me!" Brobbie calls out as she and Lillie charge towards Christie. Christie naturally doesn't move. It is rude to steal her cab because she's a pretty princess but it is alright if the pretty princess blocks a doorway. After all, she's a pretty princess, isn't she? Newsflash: she's a pretty princess caught in a pathetic and miserable codependent relationship with a man who treats her like dirt. If I have to choose a side to laugh with, I'd be laughing with Brobbie at Christie. Lillie runs under Christie's right armpit. Christie, seeing that she is thwarted - the audacity of Lillie, how rude - runs after Lillie just as Colin catches up with them. Brobbie tries to run around Christie, telling her, "Bitch, move out of my way!" As the women race along the hallway, Colin leaps over the metal railing. And all four gape at the closed ticket office. Yeah, the joke's on all of them. But I don't think they mind, really. The fact that they actually clash matters more to them than the reason why they clash in the first place.
The GLPPs, the Quotas, and the Bates Sisters stroll in with zero fuss. They all wait for the counter to open. This is the opportunity for the clashing Teams to start another warfare. Christie boasts about her blocking the doorway to the gleeful Downtown Hiltons (at last, a pretty gal starts talking to them, they must be cool now too) with pure pettiness gleaming in her eyes and with a pure evil smile on her face. I love how she walks onto this show and embodies every irritating stereotype about beautiful but snobby and self-absorbed bitchy high school princesses without much effort. If she isn't being dragged around and emotionally smacked all over by a short ugly twat, I'd probably hate her instead of merely watching her with a slight degree of pity. Brobbie, who is seen earlier in the domestic flight being very chummy with the Bates Sisters, tells the Bates Sisters of Christie's actions. Of course, she just has to make it seem as if Christie is deliberately targetting Lillie in her actions. Granted, it makes a more dramatic story, but come on, if Christie wants to claw anyone's eyes out, it's Brobbie and not Lillie. It's like this show's very special reenaction of Heathers or something. Put Shannon Doherty with Brobbie and Christie and we can all play a game of "go f**k yourself with a chainsaw". Lillie tells the Bates Sisters who are agog with delight at the whole sordid story that Christie acted as if that bitch controls the whole airport. I'll resist from making any "if she does, it's by sleeping with all the pilots" jokes here because I don't think Colin and his chainsaw will be amused.
Colin rounds up the GLPPs and the Downtown Hiltons and announces that he wants them all to band together and make sure that the Friends of Gulliver won't beat them. By "them", he actually means "him", of course. Christie adds that the C+Cs will share information to anyone who is with them. Anyone who isn't with them won't be in the loop, she clarifies. Yes, the C+Cs have so much information to share, although what this information can be, I have no idea. Culinary methods for brains, perhaps. Joan says that the GLPPs don't feel the same way about the Friends of Gulliver, oh no, but they're in with the plan because the GLPPs appreciate the hard work you put into screwing other people, especially those they are in an alliance with. Colin tells the camera that Brobbie is very rude and worse, she tries to turn the other Teams against him! Watching this show, I wonder whether Brobbie has more right to claim that Colin is turning other Teams against her and Lillie, but hey, it isn't in the nature of dictatorial midget Napeoleons to be self-aware. Oh, and Colin still has a microscopic penis that even a beauty pageant doormat by his side can't fix.
Meanwhile, Brobbie tells the Bates Sisters that the C+Cs are like leeches, hanging on to weak Teams and doing them in one by one. It's a severely overdramatic interpretation of Colin's interpersonal relationships but Brobbie, being a drama queen, will have it no other way, of course. Linda tells the camera that the Bates Sisters are with Friends of Gulliver all the way because one, she thinks that the Friends are better than the C+Cs in running the Race (don't ask) and two, she loves Brobbie. Meanwhile, the C+Cs approach the Quotas with their bright plan of recruiting members to torment the people they don't find cool and the Quotas are in, but not for reasons the C+Cs believe. Chip points out that Brobbie and Colin are really gunning for each other and Kim says that hopefully the feuding Teams will knock each other out of the Race. Heh, it looks like the vultures are already waiting for the two clashing elephants to kill each other.
The C+Cs and their entourage storm into a SwissAir office and purchase tickets for a flight that will land the next day in Nairobi. The Friends of Gulliver and the Bates Sisters walk into the GulfAir office where they purchase tickets for a flight that arrives at 6:30 am the next day, much earlier than the SwissAir flight. To celebrate their coup (they asked the ticket fellow to check other flights to ensure that this flight is the fastest and earliest to arrive), they close the blinds and hope that the C+Cs and their entourage can't see them. Won't it be more effective to just drag the ticket guy into the back room and tie him up?
A Downtown Hilton ruins the haze of self-contentment shared by the C+Cs and their entourage by wondering aloud where the Friends of Gulliver are. Colin notices the GulfAir office, they all walk in, and oops, the room becomes very packed with six teams (plus their camera crew) all jostling for space in that office. Brobbie tells the ticket guy in Arabic not to serve the newcomers as they are "violent people". Call me evil, but I'd suggest that "suicide bombers" will be an even more effective thing to say. Christie, outside the office, tells a Downtown Hilton that Brobbie must be telling that man not to sell her Colin any tickets. "Bitch!" the idiot sister says. Lillie and Brobbie are watching from the door and spotting the camera, they both make irritating, self-righteous finger and facial gestures expressing disgust for the other Teams. The Friends of Gulliver walk out of the office, with Brobbie waving the tickets in the faces of the other Teams while Lillie talks about how she intimidates these people. Ooh, what a scary midget! Oops, I accidentally kicked her away. Do you think she'll bite my ankles? I'm so scared!
As the Friends of Gulliver make a grand show of walking past the departure gate, the Downtown Hiltons declare that Colin is "an idiot" and that this idea to stick with Colin is their "stupidest decision" ever. I don't know, as just by looking back in the last five episodes alone, there is hardly any shortage of "stupidest decision ever" contenders from these idiot sisters. How about that one where they decide to just travel to any random point in the Giza Plateau map, only to be saved by a chance encounter with Chip? Still, it's not that bad. Unlike Brobbie's assumption that the GulfAir guy won't sell Colin any tickets, Colin manages to get tickets for everyone in his entourage shortly after the Friends of Gulliver get comfortable in their seats. Insert here your own tasteless joke about violent people getting priority seats in Middle-Eastern flights. Brobbie is not happy at all to see everyone on the plane. Colin gives an evil smile, or at least, he tries to. He comes off like that smarmy dweeb that keeps getting smacked by everybody he came too close to in a party.
At the transit in Bahrain, the Friends of Gulliver get themselves and the Bates Sisters on a different flight that will get them to Nairobi half an hour earlier than the other Teams. It's a gamble, the Bates Sisters decide as they go ahead with the Friends of Gulliver. Oops, the airport luck that the Friends of Gulliver seem to have an endless supply of finally runs dry when this flight is delayed in the Dubai transit for what seems like "a couple of hours". If I'm Brobbie, I wouldn't even move from a flight she's on with all the other Teams, especially after the number of delays she's encountered in this region of the world. If there is a delay, won't it be better if all the Teams are delayed? This is the first of two fatal mistakes made by this Team. The Bates Sisters lament that they are last again. Well, they have only themselves to blame now, don't they?
As the initial flight carrying Colin and his entourage approach Nairobi, Philo steps out to remind people that Teams must sign up for a charter flight to a "mystery destination". There are three flights, each leaving at 8:00 am, 8:45 am, and 9:30 am. The C+Cs sign up for the first charter flight, followed by the Quotas. Colin is jubilant that the Friends of Gulliver have not showed up. The Downtown Hiltons do a happy dance because they are pathetic enough to be that stupid to celebrate a dubious victory that they have no part of. It just has to happen that while the GLPPs and Quotas are in this alliance for strategy reasons, the idiot sisters are in it because the C+Cs hate the Friends of Gulliver so they hate this Team too because they so want to be part of the cool clique. They're really stupid that way. Meanwhile, the GLPPs and the idiot sisters take the second charter flight.
The 8:00 am flight takes off. Colin tells his whipping post that it is so cool to be in "Nairobi, Kenya, on a prop plane, not knowing" where they are going next. I wonder how long he took to compose that sentence in his head because spontaneous people don't say "Nairobi, Kenya", just "Nairobi" or "Kenya", and they don't talk like they're composing journal entries that they are planning to publish one day. Colin reminds me of that kid who can never get into thrilling rides at the fair because he's too short so he vows to one day overcompensate for his deprivement by becoming the most pretentious explorer-wannabe ever. Dude? Is still short. As the first flight takes off, Colin spots the last two Teams arriving. His eyes are always attuned to follow where Brobbie is, after all. Their love anthem is Every Breath You Take.
Brobbie sighs when she signs her and Lillie up for the remaining charter flight. She's prettied up and even done her hair sometime between Dubai and Nairobi and she's missed Colin. Don't worry though, Colin has been watching and I'm sure he noticed. The Bates Sisters are of course also on that 9:30 am flight. They aren't that unlucky.
Back at the 8:00 am flight, Colin points out Mount Kilimanjaro to Christie. Christie nods, although it's obvious that she's thinking, "Mount Fillymarlboro... what?" Chip is of course all about putting far more important emphasis on his adventures that they warrant. At the 8:30 am flight, Joan spots a rainbow and tells Moppet that the rainbow is "God's promise". What? God promised them a victory on this Race? I hope He also remembers the winning lottery ticket He promised me. The 9:30 am flight takes off but nobody in that flight talks because they are all too depressed - thank you.
The 8:00 am flight lands and Chip is amazed that he's actually in Africa. He spreads his hands and do some happy noises. He and Kim along with the C+Cs realize that they are now at Kilimanjaro and the Clue they receive at the air depot tells them to travel by bus to Mto Wa Mbu, a town seventy miles from Kilimanjaro. They board a bus that cost them five dollars in fare and the Quotas gush to the cameras about how they've always wanted to come to Africa, blah blah blah, the usual. The 8:45 am flight lands and the GLPPs and the Downtown Hiltons are ripped off in that they pay forty dollars for their fare. But when the bus takes its time in waiting for it to be filled before it departs from the station, the Downtown Hiltons offer $100 if the bus will leave now. The bus guy wants $200. Moppet and the idiot sisters insist on $100. The bus guy says $150. When the Teams try to leave, the men inthe bus block the doorway, prompting one of the Downtown Hiltons to suggest that they climb out the windows. One of the scary guys place his hand on Moppet's scrawny shoulders. Oh no, looks like Moppet's missionary trip is going to end up in a cooking pot, figuratively speaking... or is it?
The 9:30 am flight lands and the remaining two Teams make their way to the buses.
The first two Teams have arrived at Mto Wa Mbu, where they discover that it's now time for a Detour. "Buzzing" will require a Team to cycle to a bee farm, don beekeepers' outfits, and harvest honey from the beehives. This Detour, Philo says, can be terrifying but it should be completed quickly. "Busy" will require the Team to push or pull (their choice) a cart carrying two chairs to an address. Navigating through the maze-like streets of Mto Wa Mbu where the houses aren't clearly marked can cause this Detour to take a long time to be finished but it should be a less terrifying one compared to "buzzing". Christie wants to buzz but Colin says that he, oops, she may be scared of bees so she really should reconsider. And of course, what Colin says, Christie does so it's down to getting busy for the C+Cs. On a lesser fanfare, the Quotas get busy too. They locate the furniture shop easily and Colin asks for a cart to be delivered to the nearest address. The two Teams get locals to help show them the way. The Quotas have a minor drama when the guy showing them the way takes them to a furniture shop where he apparently assumes that the Quotas want to buy some cushions for those chairs they are carrying in the cart. Heh. Kim thanks the guy anyway, pointing out that they do need cushions if these chairs are theirs. Chip tells the camera unnecessarily that the Quotas don't need cushions, they just want to deliver those chairs.
On the second bus, the guy wants the $100 promised to them. Moppet says that he will pay half now and half once they get there. He doesn't know whether the man is "trustworthy" after all and Moppet should know all about being careful of people who will stab one in the back, shouldn't he? One of the Downtown Hiltons says that she is intimidated by the whole thing and is so glad that Moppet is here to control the situation. The Moppet wonders how the last two Teams are dealing with their drivers and naughty buddies. As it is, the last two Teams have no problems at all. Brobbie asks the driver to get going fast but that's as far as the drama goes. Maybe it's karma at work and all of the GLPPs "oops, we didn't tell you, we just sneaked away, that's not really betraying you, is it?" nonsense is coming to bite them back in the posterior.
Christie now tells the folks helping her and Colin that she won't pay them if they don't go faster. That's so rude! The nerve! The audacity! Still, the locals must be really desparate for money as they actually help the C+Cs go faster and drop off the furniture. The Quotas drop theirs after and the lady of the house offers them some watermelons to enjoy before the Quotas leave. Chip tests the chair in the porch and tells the camera that he is so happy because he doesn't experience being around people that look like him every day. Where does he live? North Carolina? Anyway, he's really once more placing far too much meaning on his adventures because if he takes in the poverty around him and compares their lives to his posh house (if the house th Quotas pose in during credits are anything to go by), he'd realize how overly-simplistic and even condescending his remark can come off as. The Teams must now get to Kavishe Hotel in a nearby village of Kaboni, where "hotel" means "slightly better than a hovel".
The Bus Where God Obviously Doesn't Live In stops to a grinding halt. Oops, no gas. Moppet asks the shady guy whether his people are getting gas soon. Two guys wander off in two different directions, maybe to rob the first gas station they cme across, as this guy tells Moppet that the gas is coming "soon". Moppet insists that he's in a Race and he needs to go soon. It's not a wise thing to say, surely, for if I'm the shady guy, I'd immediately ask another $100 if they want gas to be delivered quick. The third bus passes them and the Bates Sisters, seeing Moppet by the roadside, are delighted and wondered aloud how they manage to overtake the second bus. Is this their lucky day? Back in the Bus Where God Doesn't Care Anymore, Joan begins to stew as the shady guy demands twenty dollars from Moppet for refilling the gas tank. Take it from a professional third-worlder: the whole set-up is coming off like a scam to cheat gullible tourists. The Moppet pays ten now and tells the man that he will pay the remaining ten later. The bus gets moving again, overtaking the third bus as the third bus stops for what Linda Bates calls a "potty stop".
The C+Cs are walking around in search for Kavishe Hotel and the Quotas are close behind. Christie is a dumb woman to look for a hotel with someone like Colin. Stay away from the showers, lady. On second thought, hey, Christie, go test the new showerhead. (Colin, here's the knife.)
The GLPPs and the Downtown Hiltons stagger out of their bus as it finally pulls in at Mto Wa Mbu. The Downtown Hiltons read their Clue and the GLPPs wait for their turn when the shady bus guy approaches Moppet and asks for the remaining gas money owed to him. Moppet says he's not paying because the bus broke down. Does that excuse work even with first-world crooks? The shady bus guy and he argue, with the guy even poking and pushing Moppet back in the chest in an intimidating manner. Joan says that they are wasting time and the shady guy turns to actually whack her in the cheek - lightly though, it seems - with a sheet of paper he is holding. She screeches at him to stop hitting her before taking the ten dollar note from her purse and throwing it onto the floor, the last a typically first-world behavior that hubby and I can never understand. I mean, any respectable third-worlder will know that such insolent money-tossing-on-the-floor behavior can really get one kicked in the behind or worse. We don't mess with crooks that way. Only usually those hoity-toity tourists will act like this as if they expect the police to be on their side. Newsflash, people: the police officer may very well be the mastermind behind the scam. Joan dares the shady guy to pick up the money. See what I mean about stupid tourists? Moppet picks up the money and triesto defuse the situation by handing it to the shady guy. The shady guy takes the money, calls them fools, and says that he doesn't want to talk to them anymore. I'm sure that last feeling is mutual where the GLPPs are concerned. Moppet tells the camera that he just wanted to end the situation which he describes as "unsafe". The Downtown Hiltons, in the meantime, have wisely scurried away to get busy with their Detour, which is, of course, "busy". The GLPPs also get busy, or rather, Moppet does. Joan starts displaying Flodungka-like tendencies which I suspect have been there all along and they are showing it only now when she starts screeching that she can't run so Moppet must not run or she will never keep up and... well, you get the idea, I hope.
The Friends of Gulliver and the Bates Sisters want to get usy too (eeuw). I don't think the Friends of Gulliver should have chosen "busy" as they are last and they should have never chosen a Detour that forces them to exert physical strength (which is what they never have in abundance), but my hubby points out that the bicycles for the "buzzing" Detour aren't designed for someone of Lillie's stature. It's another do or die situation here for them, I guess.
The C+Cs are at the Kavishe Hotel where they encounter a Roadblock. "Who's really hungry?" it asks. Colin says that it "has" to be him now. Philo steps out to explain that the Racer performing the Roadblock will have to crack open an ostrich egg and fill a bowl with it until the bowl is full. The Racer will then fry the egg in a pan before eating every yummy bit of the resulting scrambled egg. An ostrich egg is equivalent to two dozen chicken eggs, Philo explains helpfully. Oh goody goody, it's time to see Colin gag as he explains in a voiceover that he has a "sensitive gag reflex" (what, has he tried to swallow disgusting slimy stuff before?) and he has a hard time at "eating food" (does that mean that he doesn't eat but maybe drink blood instead?). I don't think Colin spends much time in the kitchen - he has Christie doing the cooking while she's wearing a thong under the apron, perhaps - because his first few attempts to crack an egg are really pathetic. He spills the contents of the bowl for the third time and loses his temper. Oh, Colin. Here, go suck an egg. Watching him, Christie loses her temper too and slams the clue envelope down on the table. Colin retaliates by throwing down the bowl in disgust. Tsk, tsk, I don't want to extrapolate this scenario into their relationship outside the Race, but they make it so easy for me to do so.
The Quotas are catching up. Meanwhile, the Downtown Hiltons are pushing their cart following the direction of some locals. Joan on the other hand is telling Moppet that she can't run anymore. Moppet, who is doing all the pulling, says that Joan isn't a strong woman and in this case, she's given up and has to be "pulled along". Poor Moppet, pulling a cart with two chairs as well as his deadweight girlfriend. Somehow I can't bring myself to say that he deserves better though. I wonder why.
Lillie spies a puddle on the road and asks Brobbie (and the locals who are helping them) to make a detour around it, fearing that their cart will be stuck in the mud. The Bates Sisters (and helpful locals) charge ahead regardless and they manage to go through without problems. Brobbie complains that Lillie has made them fall behind by making them take a longer way. Lillie says that her heart is going to stop. Brobbie tells her to let Brobbie pull the cart by herself. Of course, there are two men pushing the cart so Brobbie won't be flying solo in the dark, not that she'll appreciate me pointing that out.
Colin scowls at his scrambled egg as Christie tries to comfort him by telling him that it's just, er, a "big scrambled egg". It's nice to see that she's as reassuring as he was during that caviar Roadblock. These two? Deserve each other. Kim tells Chip that he'll be doing the Roadblock. She has, after all, done her share for her Team and it's now back to being the figurehead of USS Chip Eats Anything. By the way, Chip calls himself "The Chipper". Between he and Booby, they're such a riot. Chip knows his way around the kitchen, by the way, and gets the egg cooking in no time. Colin, watching on, is livid with envy. This prompts Colin to stir his egg in the pan hard. He's definitely seething with insecurities. He probably spies on the guys in the urinals beside his just to check whether they have bigger penises. Christie tells Colin, when he asks her, that his egg looks fine. He doesn't want Chip's egg to be better than his, after all. Colin tells Christie that he wants to cook his egg some more. (He is waiting for Brobbie.) Christie, suspecting that he is dilly-dallying just to see Brobbie, snaps that there are Teams behind them that will catch up with them if he wastes any more time. His response is a vague "There are?" as he's probably imagining Brobbie in an apron and a thong cheering him on and finding the image much more enjoyable than the harridan currently nagging him.
The Downtown Hiltons deliver their furniture, followed by the Bates Sisters whose local helpers show them neat short-cuts. Then it's the GLPPs who deliver. The Friends of Gulliver lag behind. Oh no.
Chip says a prayer before he eats. The locals watching these Americans waste good eggs will be touched by that, I'm sure. They waste eggs, but at least they thank the Lord for the wastage, how inspiring! Chip says that this Roadblock is harder than the caviar Roadblock because he can't just swallow the egg like he did with the caviar. Colin takes a small nibble of his egg and declares that the egg bits stick to his throat. Hey, looks like he needs motivation too! He tries to salvage what left of his manhood by blaming the egg for his wussiness, insisting that the egg isn't cooked enough. Of course, it's Christie's fault, therefore, because she told him earlier that his egg was fine. Men, I tell you. Anyway, he decides to cook his scrambled egg a little longer.
Chip finishes his eggs. He should've asked for the dessert - fresh ostrich egg white. He and his missus receive their next clue: they must now get to a nearby lookout and use a flying fox to zip down to the Pit Stop for this leg of the Race, the Lake Manyara Lookout. They are off, to Colin's furious scowl as he stabs the egg bits in his bowl with his spoon. He has overcooked his eggs to the point that they look like pulverized eyeballs floating in ectoplasm. Maybe he likes his eggs that way. He takes a bite... and then quickly bends to his left side and throws up. Tsk, tsk, he needs more determination! Once the Teams have arrived, one of the Downtown Hiltons and Kathy Bates will eat the egg for their respective Teams.
Christie is telling Colin that he is behaving like a baby when he throws up his eggs. These two people really put the end in tender, I tell you. He perks up when he hears Brobbie telling Lillie to do the Roadblock though - his eyes literally fire up and his ears actually flared out like the man besotted and obsessed that he is, which is impressive considering that he's still retching into a bucket. Still, nausea and puke are no match for love.
Mass eating ensues. Linda Bates tells Kathy that wow, they are actually beating Colin. The Downtown Hilton That Eats is pressing her nostrils tight at the same time as she tries to eat. Lillie says that it's just an egg while she cooks it. Wait until she eats it, heh.
The Quotas zip down to the Pit Stop - team number one! I find Chip calling the VIP "brother" a little too much though. Philo gives them a prize vacation to Latin America for being first.
Spurred by the presence of the woman he loves, Colin finds the strength within to finish the last of his egg. He's off. Oh, and he remembers to collect Christie and not Brobbie to come along with him. I'm sure he's feeling disappointed. The Bates Sisters are off next too, followed by the GLPPs, leaving Lillie and the Downtown Hilton That Eats to square off.
The C+Cs are team number two. Not even the egg - or what little left of it in his stomach after his pukefest - can stop a buoyant Colin from running to the Pit Stop, invigorated is he by the anticipation of meeting Brobbie at the Pit Stop. The Bates Sisters are delighted as they zip into third place. From last to third - not bad at all! It pays to have the stomach of a professional soccer, er, bowling mom. Eating the disgusting leftovers of those badly-behaved kids' meals has its uses after all. Moppet yodels on his way down and the GLPPs are team number four.
The Downtown Hiltons finish first and leave. Shortly after, Lillie polishes her last egg bits. Ah, the Friends of Gulliver walk in last, and unlike Brobbie's hope that this is a non-elimination round, Philo says that they are eliminated. That dreadful man takes a long pause in between "You are the last team to arrive" and "I'm sorry to say that you have been eliminated from the Race" that I actually hope that there is some miracle and this is actually a non-elimination round. But it is and oh, so my favorite Team is gone from the Race! Lillie gives a tear-streaked speech about how she wants to prove that she can't do anything - oh, it's a tedious speech because Lillie makes her role on this Race to be far grander than it actually is. And her insistence on people looking down on her may be valid outside the context of the Race, but I suspect that Brobbie's abrasiveness has as much to do with this Team's unpopularity with the other Teams as much as any prejudices against little people, if such prejudices exist in the first place. And that howling you hear? That's Colin, realizing that he's not seeing Brobbie again for the rest of the Race. Oh, such despair? No wonder he self-destructs next week. He wants so badly to be sequestered with Brobbie.
Can I say something? I know the Friends of Gulliver have taken a lot of heat for their actions, sometimes rightly so, sometimes not at all, but I do think that the cousins have a healthy relationship. Sure, Brobbie's urging Lillie to go faster can be annoying, but that's just people behaving in the heat of the Race to me. Their relationship is far more healthy than, say, the C+Cs' which is painful to watch. I must be perverse in that I really enjoy watching Brobbie's drama queen antics and the way she pushes Colin's buttons until he just doesn't know which way to look, up or down. The Friends of Gulliver bring a zany fashion sense never seen before, Brobbie is adorably infatuated with Philo, Lillie is oh-so Lillie - cantankerous and thorny, and these ladies run a far better Race than I'm sure most of us expect them to. I am really disappointed to see them go and the Race will be a little less interesting without them. My biggest enjoyment now is rooting for the Bates Sisters or the Quotas to win. On with the Race!
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