The Amazing Race 5: Episode 11
Previously, we lost one loser Team and there are, let's see, one, two, two-and-half remaining loser Teams on this show. The Downtown Hiltons are gone, leaving the Bates Sisters and the three One Man and His Baggage teams to compete in the Race. They zorb, they sledge down the whitewater rapids, and they generally annoy me to no end. This week, the whole bucket of crap dumped on the shoes of the C+Cs would be too amusing for words if the circumstances aren't dampened slightly by the fact that, like every other twist and drama of this season, the fallout is negligible in the long run. Just like how stripping the last Team's cash in non-elimination rounds fail to do anything to the Team, the Yield, which is used this week, does nothing other than to make the C+Cs even more psychotic. I suggest that they will just get Colin, Moppet, and Chip to run a race with a hundred-pound bag of sand tied around their left ankle. That is a more amazing race than the current show, where the men are competing despite their women trying their best to drag them down. Of the three, Kim is the least memorable but that's not entirely a bad thing as she remains mostly in the background, a scowl marring her hubby's increasingly forced sunny facade. When Christie and Joan can only claim their dramatic collapse while eating caviar as their biggest accomplishments on this race, that's how little of use they are to their partners.
Credits. I am starting to reevaluate my opinion that this season is the best of all five seasons because two of the remaining Four Teams really annoy me, one leaves me ambivalent, and the only Team I root for will no doubt fall victim to the Curse of the Fourth Place. Can we have an All-Stars version of this show filled with only fourth-place Teams? Just think: the Frat Brothers, the Cha-Cha-Chas, the Zoolander Twins, and other nice fourth-place Teams ending up on the same show! We'll kick out the annoyingly bland Sideshow Bobs of last season and let the Barrs in as the necessary villains. Heck, bring on the Friends of Gulliver and alright, the C+Cs too, just for drama's sake!
On with the show. Philo "I'm Packing It (Shut Up, Colin)!" Koughie reminds everyone that the camera is zooming in on what he calls the "stunningly beautiful" island of New Zealand. I'm sure that description is an impartial observation of his part. He strolls along the hills that are the location of the last Pit Stop, pointing out that they filmed here a trilogy of movies starring men that stare into each other's overly bright creepy eyes, cuddle in bed, and kiss each other in public appearances. By the way, stop pestering me to add Orlando Bloom into the hunk galleries of this website. That guy is dull. I have seen traffic cones that radiate more sexual intensity and mesmerizing screen presence that this walking bag of ribcages. In the meantime, New Zealand may be stunningly beautiful but Philo is wearing pants that are threatening to reach his armpits. Dude, lose the granpa pants, please. Philo wonders whether the C+Cs will keep beating the competition. At this point, I just want to beat them all with my shut-up get-lost stick so as far as I'm concerned, I just want this season to end. I know the Bates Sisters will never win, even without reading the spoilers, and only the thought of the Quotas winning are marginally palatable. If the GLPPs or C+Cs win, I'm going to push Jerry Bonghammer off his seat and produce the next season myself. My first rule will be to stop casting useless models, especially Bible-thumping ones.
4:56 pm. Hmm, if this is a Japanese horror movie, I'd say that the time has some hidden significance that the main characters should look into before Yet Another Dead Girl Wraith With Long Black Hair Covering One Half Of Her Face get them. The C+Cs do their thing and learn that they must travel 220 miles in their vehicle to the Westhaven Marina in Auckland. There, they must locate a yacht called the Hydroflow and use the, er, pulley (or whatever you call it) to lower the next clue from the, er, the tall pole-like thing yachts have. What do you call them, anyway? I'm not a yacht person, sorry. In their vehicle, Colin explains the reason why he and Christie are always in the lead. He points out that the other Teams all make huge mistakes on this Race (and of course, he will never do such a thing, never). Christie chimes in, saying in a sing-song manner that the other Teams just plain suck. Colin agrees, saying that in addition to the other Teams sucking so hard, the C+Cs are a "pretty decent" Team. Well, at least he's modest. While I'm sure the two of them are confident in their superiority over their fellow men, I must say that there is something really pathetic about two people so intent on winning to overcompensate for their lack that they behave like ogres lacking self-awareness.
At 6:23 am, the Bates Sisters chirp that they are receiving $120 for this leg of the Race and it is not even daylight when they start arguing. Their argument is quite silly - Linda at first is sure that she knows where to go and waves away the road map Kathy is waving at her face, and later, when she is driving, she asks Kathy whether she should make a left turn. Kathy takes offense in Linda not looking at the map when she initially asked Linda to and their arguments escalate from there. In the end, Kathy just says she doesn't know where to go and clams up while Linda decides to just drive on, it seems, without caring where they are really going. Maybe they will get to see Tasmania after all.
6:46 am. The GLPPs are up and away! Moppet's gem of the day to the camera as they depart is that in the Final Four, each Team wants to win. Gee, I didn't know that! Joan says that the GLPPs are in third and she doesn't want to be third. Shouldn't she then be asking herself what she can do to un-third her Team, hmm? Nah, she dumps the burden of thinking, along with everything else, onto Moppet's slender, barely-manly shoulders.
7:02 am. The Quotas are off. Chip says that because the Quotas are last, they are not going to play nice anymore, especially at this late leg of the Race. Well, I won't say cheating cab drivers with a hug and a smile or latching on to stronger Teams to get themselves out of the bottom feeder league "nice" but to each his own. For some reason, it is very important for this former actor to have everyone seeing him as a nice guy. So be it: a nice guy he will be then. Good luck in jumpstarting the acting career again, Chip! As the Quotas get into their vehicle, Chip voices over in a sinister, very un-Chip like tone that one can always get friends later. Read: when he has won a million dollars. I agree with him. Who needs friends, especially friends like Colin? As for Kim, let's not disturb her. For the last few episodes, she has been quiet, no doubt concentrating hard on formulating her Great Plan of Contribution in her head. I'm sure, when she acts on this Plan, it will be spectacular to behold and make people who have pooh-poohed her lack of use all this while to eat their words.
The C+Cs pull up at the Westhaven Marina just as the day is becoming brighter. Naturally, Colin does what he calls the winching down of the pulley. Like Chip and Moppet, he is a sensitive new age guy that does everything for his woman. Boy, aren't the Bates Sisters regretting the fact that they haven't come here with their husbands! Instead of turning the handle like the Clue instructs him to, he just grabs the rope and pulls it downwards. Of course, now that the show has aired, he is telling everyone that he is just doing that He-Man thing because the pulley is broken. He and his idiot girlfriend are also blaming the show for "misrepresenting" them, conveniently overlooking the fact that the editors of the show can only use what they give these editors for the show. Before I go off in a long-winded off-tangent rant, let me just say this: the C+Cs are in my book as the Most Unlikeable Team ever in the history of this show. Heck, I prefer Flodungka to these two unpleasant, arrogant, delusional self-absorbed losers.
Anyway, the Clue that falls into Colin's hands tells them that it's time for a Roadblock. The person who does the Roadblock should have strong arms, strong legs, and a lack of fear where height is concerned. Or in the case of the co-ed teams, "Yo, guys, get your asses up here now!" because the women are sure not going to do anything today. Philo explains that the Roadblock constitutes a trip to the harbor bridge in a boat, a long climb up a 70-ft ladder, followed by a walk across the team before jumping off with a bungee-rope thing strapped to them. In short, it's a "Tough, luck, Women Teams, really, you should've brought your men along and let them do everything!" Roadblock. Colin, not even knowing what the Roadblock really is, announces that he's going to climb up to the mast of the yacht. He's not even close but he is right about one thing, of course - he'll have to do the Roadblock.
Elsewhere, probably near the coasts of Tasmania, the Bates Sisters have made up and they wonder where on earth they are. If they ever find out, maybe they will send me a lovely postcard.
Also, elsewhere but on track, the GLPPs and the Quotas do some scenery chewing as their vehicles zoom towards the Westhaven Marina.
Colin and Christie get into a boat that takes them to the bridge. There, the rope ladder awaits Colin. Christie, who isn't a morning person and hence hasn't switched on her Grade A Raging Bitch mode yet, sweetly tells Colin, as the man climbs onto the ladder, to take his time because they are first. Colin of course agrees with her. Because he isn't happy until he has convinced the entire world that he is All Man, Pure Man, Yeah Baby, he says that the whole ladder climbing thing is a piece of cake. He is about to cross the beam when he stops, transfixed by a sight he never expects to see.
Standing at the end of the beam is a woman of medium-height with brown hair. The morning light prevents him from seeing her face clearly but there's no doubt that his heart beats faster as for a moment, he believes that his nemesis and his one true love, Brobbie, is standing at the end waiting for him. Spurred on by his surging emotions for Brobbie, he declares to the camera that he has no fear of heights, no fear of physical challenges, none at all! And we know why, don't we? Because Brobbie is watching him in what he imagines to be pride and devotion and he feels that he can now take on the world with one hand tied to one ankle. Christie who? A howl of bitter disappointment of Heathcliffian proportions is barely contained when he realizes that it isn't Brobbie but a sweet Australian woman with thick, charming accent waiting for him with the next Clue and a smile. Nice accent, but it's not the Armenian accent that coats his eardrums like soothing honey, and damn it, that woman is not Brobbie. Not Brobbie! With raging willpower, Colin manages to control himself from smashing his forehead against an iron pillar until his forehead bleeds, just as he manages to keep the melodramatic "Brobbie! If you are not with me, I may as well be dead to the world! If you hate me, don't leave me, be a ghost and haunt me for the rest of my life - just be with me!" or other mangled Wuthering Heights speak from being ripped out from his throat. Because that is not his way. No, his way is to brood at home and litter Brobbie's voice mail and answering machines with his pleas to see her one more time because damn it, he really misses being called a despicable, disgusting maniac criminal by the irrational shrew who owns his heart.
So, with heavy heart, Colin steels himself. He is a Real Man, after all, and Real Men don't cry before the TV cameras. He jumps off the bridge and tells Christie in a monotone that he's alright and there is no problem. The sad thing is, Christie didn't even ask. The clue, which Colin barely restrains from ripping - because damn it, That! Woman! Is! NOT BROBBIE! NOOOOO! - in his opening of it, tells them to get themselves to Manila, the capital city of the Phillippines, some 5,000 miles from where they are now. In Manila, Teams must locate the Malaguena Motors workshop for further instructions. Colin tells Christie that they should get an early flight to Manila before everyone else and then they will be good to go. I'm sure the camera must have missed the last bittersweet look Colin gives to the top of the harbor bridge as the boat leaves for the shore. They get a cab to get them to the airport. How annoying. Won't it be cool if the show makes them use that boat to get themselves to Manila instead? Planes are so boring.
The GLPPs are now at the Westhaven Marina. Moppet is doing the pulley while Joan is scowling at him - shocking, I know - and when Moppet reads the Clue, Joan wonders whether the person with strong arms and legs and no fear of heights is "Moppet" or "Moppet". At this point, if the Roadblock asks for someone with a shrill voice, whiny Bible-thumping temperament, and all-round uselessness, she'll still say that the person is Moppet. She'll keep the Miss Texas title and crown though, thank you very much.
As they leave, the Quotas pull up. Chip notices that only two vehicles are in the car park (the C+Cs' and the GLPPs') and cleverly deduces that they are not the last Team to arrive. Should we be sending the cops to check the highways in case the Bates Sisters end up in Tasmania or something? No, that's not necessary, when a nice guy at a bus stop stops in whatever he is doing to give the Bates Sisters directions to the Westhaven Marina. What a nice guy.
Speaking of nice people, the C+Cs walk into the airport, looking like fat cats who have found helpless little carnaries floating in their milk bowl. It turns out that there is a Singapore Airlines flight that will take them to Manila with a stop at Singapore. It leaves at 10:10 am and will land in Manila at 8:20 pm tonight. It's now 9:45 am though. Those two of course want to make that flight. They will have a "huuuuuge" (as Christie says) lead over the others if they do. They are so happy. I'm sure everything is turning out just the way they have planned. What can go wrong, eh?
Back at the Westhaven Marina, Moppet climbs the ladder. His voiceover predictably has him saying that he is scared, blah blah blah, just like he's scared of getting his hair cut, climbing into wet and dark crevices, doing some whitewater sledge thing... why is he with Joan again? He needs someone to take him in, not to make him do everything because he's a wuss. Wusses need love too, after all.
Christie is telling the airport people that the C+Cs have an emergency so they really have to make that 10:10 am flight. Those people out there that make a huge fuss over Lillie's doctoro emergencia antics are naturally silent when it comes to the C+Cs playing the same card. This is why I don't hang out on online forums much, by the way. The double standards can be ridiculous. Back to the Christie Wants A Plane scenario, it turns out that they can make that flight after all because it has been delayed to 10:45 am. If that isn't bad enough, this also means that the transfer connection time in Singapore will be quite tight. The ticket seller assures the C+Cs that they "should" be able to make the connecting flight in Singapore and apparently "should" is good enough for the C+Cs to pull out the credit card. Colin crows to the camera that they should be finished by the time the other Teams land in Manila.
Have this man ever been this cocky on this Race? I suspect that he has always been this way and this is the first time the show allows people to see the asshole and his bitch girlfriend in all their gruesome technicolor glory. This is to set them up for their fall, naturally. It's all about good TV after all.
Kim is climbing up the ladder - kidding! Of course it's Chip climbing the ladder back at the marina. Kim is busy staring at the guy manning the boat to make sure that the boat doesn't drift away or something.
Oh look, the Bates Sisters finally locate the marina. Good morning, ladies. Did you enjoy the Kiwi countryside? I hear it's beautiful during sunrise.
Moppet reaches the top of the bridge, walks across the balance beam, all the way babbling about him trying not to look down, et cetera. And then he jumps off the rope. He gives a high-pitched scream, laughs, and ends up screaming defiantly for, er, someone, I guess, to come and "get" him. No thanks, I don't like chicken legs on my guys. As they help him down, Joan in the boat can audibly be heard saying that Moppet looks stupid and this whole thing is stupid. Well, they are all stupid but Joan, she's just disgusting. What is she doing here anyway? Shouldn't she be in America's Next Top Model as the first one to be eliminated? Moppet says that he has done the catwalk but not like how he had to walk across the balance beam. At least he's done the catwalk, I guess, as I've seen some pics of him modeling. I haven't seen anything featuring Joan the "model" though. Then again, I don't subscribe to tacky, low-class female apparel and beauty treatment catalogues so maybe I'm looking in all the wrong places. Moppet dances a happy dance, blissfully unaware that his girlfriend has just called him stupid after he's done everything to get her some money. He's actually quite cute in that scene despite his big and stupid hair. And with that, the GLPPs take off.
The GLPP's boat passes the Quotas' as the Quotas make their way to the ladder. Chip is not too pleased when he realizes what he has to do. He compares the height to that of the Empire States Building. Ah, Chip, the true king of sincerity and reasonable perspective. As he climbs, he mutters aloud to himself things like "The pain of Jesus! The blood of Jesus!" As prayers go, I must admit that this is the first time I've come across Chip's. Kim tells him to take his time. And then, having expended the minimal calories to perform such a significant task, Kim returns to her hibernation. I wonder how she keeps her eyes open like that. She looks almost awake, I tell you.
The Bates Sisters arrive at the marina just as, the editing suggests, the GLPPs get into a cab to go to the airport. After plenty of breathless prayers, Chip finally hauls his bulk over the ladder and now has to walk across the beam. He whispers under his breath that he can do this Roadblock. Well, he has to. Nobody else, definitely not Kim, will do it if he can't.
The Bates Sisters get into a mini-argument as they try to get the Clue down from the yacht's pillar thingie. I don't blame Kathy for being prickly. Linda screaming at her to get the Clue down must be painful on the ears and the nerves, especially considering how close the shrieking Linda is to Kathy. Kathy is understandably terse when they decide that Linda will do the Roadblock.
Chip walks across the beam to the Not Brobbie waiting at the other end. He voices over that this is the hardest task he's ever done on this show and extrapolates it to encompass his entire life. Never let it be said that Chip exaggerates even a little. He happily jumps off the bridge into the waiting arms of Kim - the latter moving just a little away when Chip jumps, naturally. This is the Loving Lovers Edition of The Amazing Race, are we all having fun yet, people? They read their Clue as their boat takes them back to the mainland. They pass the Bates Sisters, prompting Chip to comment that if the Bates Sisters are definitely not going to finish that Roadblock. He should look at the woman seated beside him before he swallows his foot up to the ankle.
Linda whines as she climbs the ladder. One of life's more enjoyable experiences must be being trapped in a broken-down elevator with Brobbie and Linda. Brobbie can start by wailing, "I am going to die!" and Linda can finish off with a dramatic shriek, "DIEEEEE! I'M GOING TO DI-EEEEEE-EEEE-AI!"
The Quotas get into a cab to go to the airport.
In their cab, the GLPPs ponder over the fact that they don't know much about the Philippines. I wonder whether they can spell that country correctly. They get off at the airport and start hunting for tickets.
As she climbs the ladder, Linda repeats under her breath with every step up the ladder, "Toe! Heel!" She makes it to the top despite Chip's arrogant confidence that she won't and the show tries to create suspense by having her balk at jumping. Oh please, I've seen this plenty of times already. Of course she will jump. The Bates Sisters are tough. Stop using large-sized women to play up the stereotype of helpless weak women, please. If Bonghammer wants weaklings, he should look at the other three women plaguing the Final Four. Anyway, Linda jumps with a whoop and Kathy cackles as she watches Linda dangle in mid-air. "You look like Peter Pan!" Kathy giggles at Linda. If Linda is Peter Pan, Isaac Newton needs only to take look at her flying and the law of gravity will never be laid down.
The GLPPs are still trying to get tickets at the airport when the Quotas catch up with them. Chip asks Moppet whether "it" was "hard" for him "too". Moppet says that "it" was. I'm so happy for the both of them. In her cab, Linda says that her hand is still shaking from the climb up the ladder. Kathy comforts her by saying that she did great, which is true. It isn't long before the Bates Sisters come up to stand behind the Quotas in the ticket line. Hmm, the cabs must be really fast in New Zealand. Chip catches sight of the Bates Sisters and upon hearing that Linda completed the Roadblock, gives her a hug. He's now sure that the Bates Sisters are taking this all the way to the end. I'm glad he finally understands that people are on this show to win. Better late than never, that's what I always say. All three Teams get tickets for a flight that will leave later tonight to Hong Kong. From Hong Kong, they will take an 8:05 am flight to Manila the next morning. If all goes well, they will be at Manila at 10:00 am. All three Teams are imagining that the C+Cs are halfway done with this leg by now. Oh please, the C+Cs aren't that great.
Speaking of whom, oh, airport karma has finally caught up with the obnoxious duo. The C+Cs' flight to Singapore arrives late and the C+Cs find themselves unable to catch the flight to Manila no matter how many times Christie tries to insist that they have an emergency. Oh, Christie, shall I call a doctoro for your emergencia?
Cut to Hong Kong where the Teams are ready to get off the plane. Linda turns to the camera and snarks that the trip is "pretty quick" for an eleven hour flight. Hee. Kathy says that they will try and get an earlier flight out of Hong Kong if there is such a flight.
Back in Singapore, the C+Cs are given another smack in the head when they find out that there are no flights to Manila until the next day. Colin demands to know whether the person behind the counter can miraculously pull a flight out of her behind to accommodate the C+Cs but of course, there is no such flight. What the C+Cs can have though are seats to a flight leaving from Singapore today to Hong Kong and from Hong Kong catch another flight to Manila. Gee, that Hong Kong to Manila flight sounds familiar. Christie whines to the camera that they will reach Manila only at 10:00 am the next day and Colin adds to the whine by complaining oh, it sucks to be last, boo-hoo, pampered whiny princess and spoiled troll boyfriend want a pony, boo-hoo-hoo. Somewhere, Lillie and Brobbie must be laughing their heads off.
The Bates Sisters, along with the other two Teams, try to get earlier flights to Manila but to no avail. Hong Kong doesn't do Manila at nights. I wonder why. Everyone gets comfortable on an airport seat or unrolls the bedroll to sleep. The camera thinks the sight of Chip snoring is funny so it spends extra seconds lingering on Chip's nostril orchestra. Okay, it's quite funny. But I still find his brand of positivity rather forced for my liking. Elsewhere, the C+Cs arrive in Hong Kong and bunk up somewhere else away from the other Teams.
It is morning when the three Teams stumble onto the C+Cs. They are delighted because, as Linda tells Christie, they haven't seen the C+Cs in two days. The C+Cs try to be delighted too but I don't think anybody's buying Colin's awkward attempt at humor ("We couldn't let you guys have all the fun!" - yes, Colin is definitely the firecracker of the party, just bring the ox). Christie tries to be all "Well, we're happy because we now know we are not last!" to the camera but who is she kidding? She says that "everyone" is relieved to see each other, but while I'm sure the other Three are relieved, she and her troll boyfriend can make bitter lemonade out of the vibes they are emanating. As every Team gets onto the flight to Manila - yes, they are all on the same flight - Moppet asks Joan whether she is happy to see the C+Cs. She says that she is. What an odd question. Why should Joan be happy to see the C+Cs, a competitor in this Race? Why should the Moppet care whether Joan is happy or not? Does she care as much about his state of happiness on this Race? I think not.
Hello, Manila! Where's the famous giant rubbish dump I keep hearing about, by the way? By the way, won't it be great if the Friends of Gulliver are still in the Race and they have to muck around a giant mountain of garbage? Anyway, the Quotas manage to muscle their way out of the airport first and into a cab. The cab driver claims to be familiar with Malaguena Motors, their destination. Next to get a cab are the GLPPs, then the Bates Sisters, and finally, the C+Cs. I bet Colin must have said a word or two to the airport security people to make them "delay" the C+Cs a little longer than normal.
Chip introduces himself and his wife to their cab driver. Cab drivers care about these sort of things, see. In the GLPPs' cab, Moppet for some reason thinks that they are first. Joan corrects him by pointing out that the Quotas are ahead. In the Bates Sisters' cab, Linda kills a bug and says dryly, "Welcome to the Philippines!" She's funny. I like her. In the C+Cs' cab, Christie is ranting and foaming and bitching about how being last just sucks to the cab driver while urging him to drive faster. I'm sure the cab driver is rivetted by her diatribe.
As the cabs approach Malaguena Motors, Kim deigns to wake herself from her perpetual hibernation to point out that the Yield is coming. Philo steps out to explain what the Yield is - a Team can choose to Yield another Team and the yielded Team must stand and wait for the sands in an hourglass to finish falling before moving on, yadda yadda yadda. Chip, who has vowed to use the Yield when he sees it, says that the C+Cs are like the Los Angeles Lakers. Chip has a great insight on people. Oh, what did the C+Cs do to be lumped together with Kobe Bryant? What, he's saying that the Los Angeles Lakers are talented and fast? Oh, okay. I don't really care for basketball so oops, my bad. As the cabs stop before a traffic light, the GLPPs and the Quotas are side by side. The GLPPs tell the Quotas to Yield the C+Cs. And then the traffic light turns green and the GLPPs' cab move ahead, allowing the Bates Sisters to step up and tell the Quotas to Yield the C+Cs. In their cabs, the GLPPs justify their action by saying that it's natural to want the biggest competitor to leave the playing field while the Bates Sisters say that the C+Cs have been nice people (haw, haw) but... well, that's how things are. It looks like the Yield is finally going to be used after all. Hear that, Christie? The Teams that suck are revolting!
As the cabs get really near to the workshop, Moppet tells Joan to get ready to dash in order for them to get to the Yield first. But Chip beats them to the Yield, although he is so excited to Yield the C+Cs that he doesn't know where to turn, spins his considerable bulk around, and knocks Linda, who with Moppet is running for the Yield, down. She good-naturedly tells him to calm down. Right, Chip says, and grabs the Yield box. He pulls out the C+Cs' "Grinning Sociopaths at the Beach" photo from the box as Moppet, his biggest fan, cheers him on. Chip sticks the C+Cs' photo at the Yield board and announces that he is going to Yield you-know-who. Kim reminds him that he must take their picture and stick it at the "Courtesy of" section under the C+Cs' photo too. Ooh, that will be awkward. It's quite smart for the Bates Sisters and the GLPPs to let the Quotas take the fall when Colin and Christie come knocking on their doors at night.
Meanwhile, the C+Cs' cab driver assures them that they are ahead of the other Teams. Cab drivers, they will say anything for a tip. Christie is placated but Colin, he is as usual looking most intense. Ahead, the three Teams open their clue and realize that they have to go to one of the jeepnays in the workshop, decorate it as per some diagrammical instructions, and get the next Clue once they have finished. Philo steps out and explains that jeepnays are a popular form of transportation, one of the more visible reminders of American presence in the Philippines (along with STDs and illegitimate children) during the good old days of post-WW2 Western imperialism.
As the three Teams get to work at decorating their jeepnays, the C+Cs step out of their cab and dash over to the workshop. Only to stop dead in their tracks when they see their photo up on the Yield board, courtesy of the Quotas. "Oh my God!" Colin yells. "They yielded us!" shrieks Christie. Both of them are outraged and horrified that the Quotas, whom they always assume are their devoted lapdog friends, have the nerve to Yield them. Hear the commotion, the Quotas pause in their decorating the jeepnay to look over their shoulders. I wish the Quotas would put on a happy face and wave at the C+Cs as if nothing is wrong. Won't that be a hoot?
The hourglass is flipped. Colin paces the ground. He crosses his arms and leans against the Yield stand to stare at the Quotas. He makes emptyand vaguely threatening statements in a loud voice, hoping to rattle the Quotas. This guy sells cellphones? I guess that's because the career in debt collection didn't work out as well as he expected when people start laughing at his angry midget Mafia act right before they kick him out the door. Maybe that's why he hates Lillie: he wants to be the only midget in Brobbie's life. Christie tells him to stop and study what the others are doing. Memo to Bonghammer: you are doing the Yield thing all wrong. The fact that the C+Cs can study what the others are doing and benefit from being Yielded is silly. We should have blindfolded these two and force them to stand on a balance beam over a thousand-feet drop or something. Colin stops and studies the three Teams.
Since the GLPPs are arguing as they work (Joan doesn't seem to know her right from left) and the Quotas are too busy giving the C+Cs worried glances, the C+Cs focus on the Bates Sisters who are making steady and rapid progress. Linda tells the camera that redecorating the task is easy-peasy for the Bates Sisters who have plenty of experience fixing things that are broken by their children. They are mothers - they can fix anything, she insists proudly. How cute. And indeed, the Bates Sisters finish this task first and they get the clue from the supervisor. They must now get onto the jeepnay they have just decorated and be driven to a giant duck statue in Victoria, the "duck capital" city located some forty-three miles from Manila. The Bates Sisters take off. Joan is amazed that the Bates Sisters are so fast. Well, that's because they are not her.
Chip moans that he and Moppet have been beaten by a bunch of women. Seriously, he must not let Kim's inaction lead him to believe that all women are weaklings. The camera zooms in on the Bates Sisters cheering and shrieking and even grabbing their bosoms (don't ask, and if there are MILF fans in the house, just enjoy) in their joy.
Colin tries to tap the hourglass. Christie asks him to stop doing that and he tells her that he just wants to "flatten" the hourglass. Yeah right. It's a shame that this show doesn't penalize him for this, really. As the GLPPs finish their task and leave, Colin bursts out that he can't believe that the Quotas yield them. This leads Moppet to tell Joan astutely that Colin is "ticked". Colin asks him where the GLPPs are heading towards. Moppet answers helpfully, "The giant duck." Colin mutters that the "giant duck" could be the Pit Stop. In the case of the C+Cs, no, no, their Pit Stop should be the flying duck - as in I don't give a flying duck where they go as long as they just go away.
The Quotas finally finish up. I believe that they are slow because they are intimidated by the dagger stares the C+Cs are giving them. They should do what Brobbie would do: just sniff at Colin and mutter "Criminal!" before resuming whining and working on the jeepnay. I miss Brobbie and Lillie, I really do. Without them, the C+Cs are out of control because the other Teams can't keep pushing the C+Cs' buttons the way they can. And the C+Cs are so irritating that they need to get their buttons pushed as often as possible. Indeed, Chip tells the camera that he feels guilty about yielding the C+Cs. Kim reassures him in their jeepnay that he did the right thing because the C+Cs are "too strong". Too strong? More like, the C+Cs' competitors are hopeless racers.
The C+Cs' hourglass finally runs its course and those two tear at the jeepnay and with each other. He asks her for a screwdriver and she snaps at him to leave her alone because she has her hands full. Well, it could be worse, I guess. He could be asking for a different kind of screwdriver. But hey, he's probably heard that line from her a hundred times before anyway. Colin resumes working with a thunderous expression. He's a big boy, as he's reassured everyone watching this show every possible moment, so I'm sure he can take care of matters with his own hands.
The Bates Sisters and the GLPPs are urging their jeepnay drivers to get them to the giant duck quickly. Chip is still unable to get over his Yielding the C+Cs, saying that he had to do what he had to do. Yeah, whatever, just deal with it and move on with life. Christie hates everyone now because she is not getting her way so she grabs the Clue from the supervisor with a look of utter hatred and then, as the driver takes the jeepnay down the road, tells the driver in a psychotic sobbing-bitching manner that the other Teams "cheated". Like their cab driver earlier, I'm sure the jeepnay driver must be intrigued by Christie's sob story. Two poor fellows are trying to cross the road and Christie pleads to the driver to just run them over. "It's okay," she insists, "run them over!"
Of course, they are now saying in post-show interviews that she is misquoted, but there is no way that she is misquoted, not when Colin snaps at her to shut up because they will be "f**ked" if the jeepnay run those two over. Since he can't be concerned about the lives of pedestrians, I'm sure he's thinking about the delay they will encounter when they have to stop and let the driver remove the broken bodies from under the wheels. She clams up when she sees his expression. As much as I dislike her, I do feel a brief moment of pity for her because Colin is giving her a look that... well, let's just say that if he has his way, she'd probably be thrown out of the jeepnay onto the roadside. And from the way she freezes up, she has definitely encountered his "moods" before.
Look, that's the giant duck! The Bates Sisters run down the rice field behind the statue to the clue stand and happily grab their Clue. The GLPPs are on their tail. Hmm, does the Moppet like MILFs? Anyway, it's time for a Detour. Philo "Loverduck" Koughie steps up to explain that Teams must now choose between "Fowl" and "Plow". In "Plow", Teams must guide a carabao - this show calls it an ox for reasons that I don't get, though, but what the heck, I'll play along and call it an ox too - an ox to plow a square area in the rice field. If they do this right, the plow will eventually drag up a rope buried in the mud and attached to this rope is their next Clue. This Detour shouldn't be hard, Philo says, as the ox is used to working with people, but it may be physically demanding. In "Fowl", Teams must herd a thousand ducks - yes, a thousand - from one pen to another. If one can control the ducks, this one is easy. And I can fly.
The Bates Sisters choose to plow. Joan, as usual, balks at the physically demanding thing and wants to play with fowls. Moppet points out that there are many "flying and yapping" ducks they will have to deal with and Joan quickly agrees to do the plow. They and the Bates Sisters get down to business. Linda and Joan both pull their respective oxen while Kathy and Moppet push the plow.
Back in their jeepnay, Christie's psychotic meltdown continues. Actually, at this point Colin is tryng to calm her down so this scene is indeed very chilling. While Colin's temper is ugly to watch, Christie's meltdown is far more fightening because she is calmly telling the driver that they must beat the other Teams because they played "unfair" all the while advocating homicide on innocent bystanders. Colin may rage and yell but he probably won't bite as much as he barks, I think, but Christie? She'll slip arsenic into one's drinks without a warning.
And besides, how does the Quota Yielding them constitute "playing unfair" anyway? The show created that method of sabotage and the Quotas just played by the rules. That's like saying that eliminating someone at Tribal Council in Survivor is playing dirty.
Over at the Quotas' jeepnay, the Quotas are worried that the C+Cs are in bloodlust. Oh, and how is that a surprise to them? When one takes a stick and whacks a sleeping bulldog's behind, shouldn't one expect to be at least barked furiously at? Someone please stuff a sock into Chip's mouth. His "woe is me, I must make sure that everyone knows I'm a nice, decent guy" act is really getting worn thin.
The GLPPs get their clue first, thanks to luck, and they run off, after congratulating each other on being so clever. God must be quite annoyed that they left him out in the onanistic self-love party. The GLPPs must now head to the Pit Stop, a popular destination favored by tourists with tacky tastes and tackier T-shirts called the Coconut Palace, where the karaoke can really kill the unwary. It's 120 miles from here. As the GLPPs leave, they encounter the Quotas. Moppet asks Chip whether the C+Cs are close behind. You know, this guy always asks the most insightful questions at the appropriate times. He must be fun to have at parties. I can imagine his conversations: "Gee, are the chips cooked? Are the neighbors at home? This TV, how old is it?" To answer Mopper's question, Chip says he doesn't know. He knows how to handle stupid questions, I see.
The Quotas read their Clue and choose to plow just as the Bates Sisters discover their next Clue in the mud. Linda takes the time to give her butt some mud treatment before they leave the field. For the Quotas, Kim pushes the plow and Chip guides the ox. Kim says that she isn't sure as to how she should handle the plow at first but soon they are making good progress. She doesn't add that it will be another two hundred years before we see her doing anything on this show ever again.
Colin is now complaining that the Quotas have "backstabbed" them. I fail to see how the C+Cs are backstabbed. Have they made an alliance with the Quotas never to Yield each other? The C+Cs aren't that sincere with their friendship with the Quotas - they treat the Quotas like two supremely cocky fools looking down at two adoring disciples with self-indulgent amusement. Anyway, Colin says that he'd love to beat the Quotas and see the Quotas get eliminated for their betrayal. The C+Cs' history book must undergo at least six different revisions a day.
The GLPPs and the Bates Sisters realize that it's tough to get a cab and decide to opt for a bus instead. Here comes the bus. There goes the bus.
The C+Cs spot the giant duck and quickly get out of their jeepnay.
The Quotas find their clue. They leave. The C+Cs are nowhere in sight so I suspect that the previous scene of C+Cs finding the duck must take place after this scene. The Quotas too take a bus but anyone familiar with the area can tell you that the Quotas are lucky: after a false start with the wrong bus, they end up taking the bus that goes straight to a stop right in front of the Coconut Palace. The bus taken by the earlier two Teams stop a distance away from the Coconut Palace.
The C+Cs, after reading their Clue, decide to plow. I grow up in a village where rice fields are the norm and I can testify that it is possible for one to handle the ox and the plow alone, but that comes with experience. Colin has no experience. Christie doesn't want to lift a finger to help. It is a doomed venture from the start. Colin's first mistake to take the ox's leash and then stand behind the ox, thus giving the ox the impression that it has a free rein to go where it pleases. Colin is at first still cool as he tells Christie that he can't control the ox. She just snaps at him to keep looking as she stands there and watches him. The ox takes a long, leisurely stroll across the field. Colin is slowly losing his temper. He asks her where he should be looking for the Clue. Her helpful answer? "At the bottom." He snaps back that she is not helping him look and she is just standing there. She tells him that the mud is deep and so there's nothing she can do. Translation: eeeuw, he doesn't expect her to get down there in the mud, does he, eeeuw? She tells him to look in the "plowed area". Honey, the whole field is the "plowed area". Colin gives her a murderous look. She sniffs and, looking at him like he's a dim-witted child, asks him whether he understands what she is telling him. He snarls that he understands every word and resumes being led around by the ox.
Bored, the ox decides to get away from these crazy, loud animals bothering him and walks out of the square area. Colin shrieks, "Where is he going? No, in this field!" I wonder whether he knows that oxen don't understand English. He doesn't get it. He insists that his ox is "broken" and "this" is "bulls**t". I agree that the part about the smart ox being "broken" is "bulls**t". Let's give the ox an extra helping for dinner!
Just to be a total aggravating bitch, Christie just has to say to Colin, "Colin, is it possible for you to control him? Please answer me when I talk to you. If there's any way possible that you can not wander aimlessly..."
Colin snaps back, "Do you know how hard it is to look down and try to drive him? Do you realize how difficult that is? It wasn't this hard for the other teams, I guarantee you that much."
Colin's not-too-subtle dig at her unwillingness to help flies over Christie's head. She orders him to grab the plow. He shouts back that he can't grab the plow because the ox is not heading in the direction of the plow.
She tells him to calm down and asks in a truly aggravatingly sweet manner why he can't learn to control the ox.
Colin screams at the ox to stop going where it pleases. Finally, he gives a truly hilarious high-pitched girly scream-sob and wails, "I'm trying!"
Christie isn't buying any of this. "Listen to yourself!" she says scornfully. "No wonder you can't control it!" I wonder how she will fare in Colin's shoes. She's probably the kind of idiot who accuses her boyfriend for being a wimp when he refuses to buy her a ten million dollar engagement ring. If a man wants to please her, he can do it no matter how or at what cost because she's worth it, right?
"I can't make him go over there!" Colin screams-shouts at Christie.
"I don't want another word coming out of your mouth!" Christie tells him.
Finally broken down, rejected, dejected, Colin sobs - yes, he sobs - to Christie, "Oh my God, I hate you."
Her unintentionally hilarious response? "Oh my God, just plow!"
Colin looks up at the sky in mortal frustration.
Of course, in post-show interviews he claims that he is hating on the ox, not Christie, but the show doesn't lie even if he insists that the editors can make something out of nothing - he is clearly speaking to Christie when he tells her that he hates her. And even so, it doesn't matter who he is telling that to. What is clear is that he and she both behave like total imbeciles that lose their grip on themselves once someone bursts a bubble in their arrogance and hubris. Even if he is telling the ox that he hates the ox, it doesn't change the fact that she is a royal bitch and he is a bad-tempered ass. Instead of at least saying that they behaved badly and the Race caused them to act in ways they never would in real life, they are now claiming that they are misunderstood and misrepresented. Give me a break.
After more pointless argument with her, he begs her to "get the f**k over here" and look for the Clue. "It's so deep!" is her response. Her shorts - the pair with Texas in the ass, remember? - are precious to her, after all, and there are no decent dry cleaners around here. He tells her that he doesn't care - she'd better "get the f**k" over to him and walk in the field with her feet (as opposed to her hands, I suppose) until she feels the Clue. She just gives him a "f**k you" look, walks over a short distance (taking care not to step in the mud), bends down, and picks up the Clue and waves it at his face. Heh, heh, heh.
I'm impressed that I haven't injured any rib from laughing so hard at those two idiots.
They leave the field with their hard-earned Clue and get the bus that follows the shorter route like the bus the Quotas took. Colin is considering jumping off the bus and getting a cab. Ahead, the Bates Sisters are praying for smooth traffic while Chip is hoping that the C+Cs don't get a cab and beat the other Teams to the Pit Stop. Sure enough, the C+Cs do get off the bus and into a cab, where Colin orders the driver to "haul ass". Considering that he can't even haul an ox, I would have expected him to be more understanding when it comes to hauling asses.
Soon, the other three Teams get paranoid about other Teams taking a cab and they too hop off their buses onto cabs. The GLPPs and the Bates Sisters are separated when the GLPPs find a cab faster than the Bates Sisters. But the GLLPs are not sure whether their driver knows where Coconut Palace is. Meanwhile, the C+Cs' driver is telling them that he will have to break the 100 kmph speed limit if they want him to speed. "Yes!" the both of them say in unison. They probably spend their romantic evening mutilating dolls. In the Quotas' cab, Kim offers the driver more money to speed, hopefully enough to cover his medical bills if they are involved in some accident as a result of his speeding. The Bates Sisters are not happy that they are last in the cab race but the driver assures them that he knows where he is going. Of course, they have heard this from drivers many times before just as they always end up in the wrong place at the end of the day, so I'm sure they are not that reassured. Joan whines to Moppet that they always get lousy cabs. The camera zooms in on the Jesus miniature hanging over the cab driver's rearview mirror as Moppet tells her that everything is in the Lord's hands now. Memo to the editors: the whole Jesus schtick where the GLPPs are concerned is really getting old. Kim hopes that the Quotas are at least third. Colin offers the driver a fifty if he gets the C+Cs to Coconut Palace quick. Somewhere in Tanzania, a cab driver mutters, "Don't do it! It's not worth it!"
Philo is waiting at the Pit Stop with a genuine VIP this time - the daughter of President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo - for the first Team to arrive. Who is it? Why, it's the Quotas. They are happy, et cetera, and they win a trip to Hawaii. Philo asks Chip on how it feels to be first and Chip, still bent on making sure that everyone knows that he's a Really Nice Self-Depreciating Guy, says, "Like I always say, God takes care of his idiots so I'm the first on the list."
After some quick attempt at suspense where the remaining three Teams are caught in traffic, the Bates Sisters come in second. So, they do have a good cab for once! The GLPPs come in third.
Awww, the C+Cs are last. But Philo tells them that they are not eliminated because this is the last non-elimination round in the Race and now this show has officially gone in two seconds from the Best Episode Ever to The Episode That I Wish Will Just Die. Colin insists that Christie give him a kiss and she does. They are happy - for now - and they vow retribution. Ugh.
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