I'm Going To Jail
The Amazing Race 5: Episode 8


It's a plane! Previously, the Friends of Gulliver are on the Race. This week, the show is boring. That's because the remaining Teams are not interesting at all. The C+Cs turn out to be one of the creepiest Teams to grace this show and that's saying something, given that we've seen assholes and their doormats before. No asshole is as painful to watch as Colin though and Christie is shaping up to be a clueless doormat. The GLPPs are annoying, the Quotas are just as annoying with Chip's ridiculous self-righteousness about spending money wastefully, the Downtown Hiltons have their heads up their asses, and the Bates Sisters are struck by so much bad luck that they too are painful to watch. Why am I watching this show? Oh yes, to root for the demise of the C+Cs.

Credits. Team GLPP, I don't know what God thinks but I do know this: shut up about God, faith, Christianity, or anything that can be remotely related to religion because it is annoying beyond belief. Oh, and shut up about money too.

Back to the Race, Philo "I Pack A Dynamite" Koughie reminds everybody that we begin this leg in the Lake Manyara Lookout, Tanzania. He wonders whether the Quotas can keep up with the "young teams", not that Christie looking like a leaky cabbage of forty means anything because if you're not skinny, you're old, and the Quotas are therefore old, so there. He also wonders whether the Downtown Hiltons can pull themselves together to move ahead of the pack. Actually, in order to move ahead, someone will have to pull them apart, reprogram some circuits, and put them back together. (With new heads though, hubby suggests.)

The Quotas came in first the last time so they leave first today, at 2:42 am. Their clue tells them to get a cab to Kilimanjaro Airport some 200 miles away and then fly to Nairobi using one of three available charter flights. Thereonwards, it's a 2,200 miles journey to Dubai. The clue is waiting for them across the street from a popular hotel. As the Quotas dash for a cab, Chip points out that they receive $200 for this leg. Thus begins the theme of this week's episode: It's all about the money, dum-dum da-da-da dum! They locate a line of cabs waiting for passengers and Chip manages to bargain the fare down from $150 to $100. Chip introduces himself and his missus to the cab driver who nods and pretends to care. Chip congratulates himself for being so diplomatic, saying that what one gives out comes back to him too. What, I thought he's doing good because it's a good thing and not because he expects something back?

It is 3:00 am when the gruesome twosome of Colin and Christie get on a move. She says that they are still learning to trust each other. Translation: she's getting better at apologizing whenever he gets angry. She says that it is hard when two decision makers are in the same Team. Hmm, has she ever made any decisions? Oh yes, she gets to decide who is to blame and of course, it's always her. Don't they have hotlines for this type of thing? Colin and she try to tell a cab driver to take $60 instead of what seems like the standard rate of $100 but in the end, they are forced to cough up $100. Colin growls at the cab driver that he better go fast for that amount of money the C+Cs are paying him.

At 3:06 am, the Bates Sisters are out on the loose. They think it will be awesome if two mothers win this Race. Since I'm now rooting for them, yeah, go moms!

The GLPPs are sailing on a halo of righteousness at 3:10 am but all that righteousness is deflated when Moppet reads the clue and can't pronounce Dubai. Or maybe the names of heathen towns roll off his tongue with difficulty. They are shocked at the $100 fare but all the cab drivers in the area must have agreed to set the rate at $100 because no one is willing to offer a lower fare. Is one dollar a mile too much to ask, anyway? Joan says that they need to be more aggressive because the other teams which Joan claims are more aggressive are ahead of them. The Bates Sisters and the Quotas are aggressive? They don't seem like it, do they?

3:12 am. The Downtown Hiltons read their clue, get in a cab, and one of them tells the camera that they have been very "spastic" so far on this Race and they hope to now "slow down" to "analyze" their Clues, just like what she is sure that the Teams ahead of them are doing with their Clues. I hope they take their time in slowing down and analyzing the Clue because if they win this Race, the Race is officially a joke on everybody.

On the road, the Bates Sisters cheer as their cab passes the C+C's even as Colin tells the driver that he's not paying the man if the Bates Sisters' cab overtakes his cab. My, my, looks like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, the side where the floor is covered with eggshells, doesn't it? He shakes his head and scowls. The intensity of his frown deepens when the GLPPs' cab whizzes past his cab next. Moppet is happy that his team is now third (the Quotas are first, remember?). Colin snarls at his driver that the driver is slower than his grandmother. Hopefully Colin's grandmother loves him more than the driver must be feeling at the moment. Then again, she's probably calling everybody up at this moment to renounce any relationship she has with Colin. Christie laments that the C+Cs are just one spot away from last. The Downtown Hiltons seem to be closing in on the C+Cs. Ahead of the pack, Chip tells his driver that they have to be at the airport first so that they can get a spot on the first charter flight. Linda, her Team in second place, says that the Teams are really close on each other's tail. Moppet hopes that the GLPPs make it to the second charter flight. Or maybe not as the GLPPs' cab soon overtakes the Bates Sisters'.

The C+Cs' cab slows down and then stops dead by the road. Is the driver finally over the edge and he's going to beat Colin up with a crowbar, third-world angry cab driver style? Alas, as it turns out, the cab has a blown tire. Colin starts pacing angrily but he explodes completely when he realizes that the cab doesn't come with a spare tire - the blown tire was the spare. He yells at the driver, outraged that they have on the road all this while with a "donut on the front of the car". Then a cab comes along. It's the Downtown Hiltons' cab. Colin hops onto the road before the cab, waving it down in a "I just murdered a woman and her body is in the trunk, care to help me bury it?" manner and demands that the driver hands over a spare. The Downtown Hiltons quietly watch - not that there is anything they can say as Colin just barks at them that he needs a spare tire and makes the driver give him one without ado - and one of them tells the camera that Colin doesn't even thank them after he's attached the spare tire to his cab. She correctly points out that should their situation be reversed, Colin wouldn't stop for the Downtown Hiltons. It's quite telling that no one mentions Christie in the context of the team - it's just "Colin" instead of "Colin and Christie". After all, what is Christie doing all this while? Sitting in the cab looking out helplessly. Maybe she's just telegraphing her decisions to Colin via ESP. Or maybe she's just a useless weak female stereotype. Seriously, Brobbie could eat her up for lunch. Oh stop getting so excited, Colin, that's just a figure of speech.

The Bates Sisters' cab runs out of fuel. They stand at the side of the road, spot a cab, and wave for help. The Downtown Hiltons are understandably quite surprised that they are thrust in the role of samaritans of the day and since it's not even bright yet, they are not going to stop one more time. One of the Downtown Hiltons says that she's not "Triple A" and this incident is God thanking the Downtown Hiltons for giving a spare tire to Colin. Okay, Bonghammer, I've had it. Next season, I demand to see a severe reduction in the number of embarrassingly oblivious self-important Bible thumpers on this show. This show is The Amazing Race not The Amazing Grace so all this ridiculous antics from Teams justifying every decision of theirs as What God Wants Them To Do are too much for me to take without fortifying myself into a stupor with gin. Besides, God must be horrified to learn that He has just been accused of sabotaging the Bates Sisters as a way to repay the Downtown Hiltons for helping Colin of all people.

Back in the C+C cab, Christie points out to Colin that they must make do with the third charter flight. Christie gets a murderous glance as an answer. Is she stupid? What a thing to tell the short-tempered guy. Where I come from, it's called "stupidly rubbing in". Then they come across the stranded Bates Sisters. Colin is happy again. He allows his cab driver to stop and call another cab for the Bates Sisters, makes a crack about the cab driver driving too fast (at least he isn't using donuts) and then the C+Cs' cab speeds off. Kathy tells the camera that the Bates Sisters will have to wait another ten minutes for the new cab to arrive. I don't know why but this Team has the worst luck I've ever seen on this show when it comes to cab drivers. Everything that can go wrong happens to them and more. It must really suck to be them at the moment and I'm amazed that the Bates Sisters haven't done a Colin on anybody yet. If anyone has the right to go ballistic, it's them.

The Quotas arrive at the Kilimanjaro Airport and Chip gives the driver a twenty as a tip. Let's do the maths: they start out with at least $200, assuming that they have some leftover from previous legs of the race, and Chip has just frittered away $120 even before he leaves Tanzania. Kim points out to the camera that Chip is a generous tipper and this worries her because they are running out of money. They and the GLPPs who arrive next book themselves at the first charter flight leaving at 8:30 am. But before they write their names down - sorry, before Moppet writes their name down in the reservation book (Joan, like Christie, doesn't do anything because they have Big Strong Boyfriends to do everything for them), Joan and Moppet argue because Joan wants to underpay the driver and Moppet insists that a deal is a deal and it's $100 for the driver. Incidentally, Joan is really asking for trouble if she thinks that she can get away with fighting with the locals over money. As we shall soon see, even the cops don't like being bossed around by know-it-all haughty American tourists who act like the locals should be grateful that they deign to speak to these locals.

The new cab for the Bates Sisters finally arrive. They sigh that they are last. Again.

The GLPPs are now arguing in full force over money. Moppet and Joan are short of money, apparently, and the driver wants American currency. Apparently $100 is all they have in American dollars and paying this driver that much would wipe them out entirely. Moppet wants to give the driver Kenyan currency to make up for the shortage of currency and asks the Tanzanian driver whether the driver has used any Kenyan currency. After all, Africa is one big happy country and all the people look alike to him so Kenya Schmenya, eh? Moppet tells Joan to just give the driver the $100 that they agreed on before the cab driver takes them here - and overtaking two cabs to get them in second place, if I may add - and Joan acts as if Moppet is deranged. I mean, hey, why honor the fare she's agreed on in the first place? They are on a Race and they have the right to cheat their cab drivers!

Chip butts in, telling Joan that $100 will change the driver's life. Maybe not, as my recent short trip to Vietnam where everything is overpriced (and in American currency to boot) can testify, so Chip's rather simplistic and condescending "American dollars save the world" view can be ammunition for anybody wanting to make a case about these Americans being arrogant. Moppet rather impatiently tells Joan to "chill out". Her voice rising to Flodungka-proportions, she whines that she's not going to chill out. Chip tells the camera in an irritatingly smug manner that Joan shouldn't let money "guide emotions in a negative way". No, she should have just cheated the driver with a smile and a hug, as I shall soon see. To her, he repeats the Axiom of Insincerity that everything she gives out will come back to her. Joan takes that as a statement saying that she isn't a generous person and wails and whines accordingly.

When Moppet says that he sort of understands where she is coming from but he disagrees with, she latches on him, complaining that they are being "raped for money" (is paying the driver what you agreed on before the trip "rape"?) and how they are being cheated just because they are Americans. Oh give me a break. $100 for a 200-mile journey is cheaper than what people pay as cab fare in America. How the heck is a cab driver cheating her if every cab driver she's encountered sets the same fare for the trip? And don't get me started about the American thing. Joan asks Moppet how he can stand there and say things like asking her to chill out if he understands what she is saying. I guess she misses the part where he said that he disagrees with her. Chip tells the camera that Joan is upset at the Moppet for disagreeing with her and she has a lot of "maturing" to do. Because when someone disagrees with Moppet (and by extension, Chip), that means that person isn't mature. In a roundabout way, Chip is behaving just like Joan, only worse as he will eventually carry out what he castigates Joan for, only with a big smile and some self-righteous thumping subsequently.

At the rate this show is going, The Amazing Race will be an illuminating case study on why the people in some countries believe that some Americans are too arrogant and obnoxious for their own good.

The Downtown Hiltons show up next, pay the cab driver, and book a spot on the second charter flight which leaves at 9:30 am. One of them says that they have moved from last to third. Yay, what an accomplishment! And just think, they achieved this only when two Teams experience cab troubles, both which they have nothing to do with! They are the Team on thus Race that manages to get this far because of luck or other Teams' problems. But I'm sure they "manipulated" these events somehow. They are, after all, attractive and seductive. They say it themselves enough on this show.

The C+Cs show up at the airport. Colin, for some reason, sees fit to offer the cab driver only $50 and the cab driver can take it or leave it. When the driver asks for Colin's reason, Colin tells him that it's because the driver drive them on a spare tire. The driver refuses to take the $50 and Colin snorts and walks away, as if he expects the driver to walk away defeated. Even more ridiculously, those two leave their things in the back of the cab to sign themselves for the second charter flight and then Colin walks back to retrieve these things, as if he expects the cab driver to wait for them even if they have not paid him! The cab driver doesn't disappear with their bags like I would have done in his position, instead he is looking for Colin in the airport. He approaches Colin and repeats his request for the fare as agreed upon. Colin tells him once more that it's $50 or nothing because the driver allowed two Teams to overtake the C+Cs. Oh yes, and the cab is supposed to care that Colin isn't first in a Race because...? After further argument that goes nowhere, Colin again walks away, saying rudely, "Oh well, your loss. You get nothing!"

The Bates Sisters arrive and they pay the driver the $100 they agreed upon even with the fuel problems they encountered. They are the only Team on the 10:30 am charter flight and sigh accordingly.

Colin's cab driver brings an airport security officer and now these two men approach Colin with a vengeance. The ticket lady translates for Colin and adds her own two cents, telling him to just pay the driver the money and put the whole matter behind him. "You can bring any policeman you want down here, okay? You can bring the president of your country down here, and I'll be glad to talk to him," Colin snaps, which earns him the Osama bin Laden Golden Award for Proving Every Irrational Assumptions About Americans Correct from grateful al-Qaeda cell members everywhere. Colin insists that the cab driver puts the C+Cs in danger with "unsafe" driving - assuming that asking a cab driver to speed is "safe" - and repeats that it's $50 or nothing. Unsurprisingly, the airport security officer wants to take Colin and the driver to the police station to settle the matter.

At the police station, Colin asks an officer behind the counter whether the man speaks English. Yes, the man answers, and asks Colin whether he speaks Swahili. Heh. A sensible person would realize at once just whose side the cops are on and pay the hundred bucks but not Colin. Christie, trailing behind just like the submissive woman Brobbie accused her of being, wonders aloud why they are wasting time. Colin turns and snaps at her in a very condescending tone to stop making things worse for him. Huh? The only person making things worse for Colin is Colin. He also reminds her that their flight leaves in three-and-a-half hours time so they are not exactly in a rush. Maybe he's just furious because unlike Brobbie who is a lawyer that handles "despicable criminals" at a daily basis, Christie is useless. Won't it be cool if waiting for Colin in the interrogation room are the Friends of Gulliver armed with stun guns?

Colin tells the English-speaking officer what happened and explains that he is willing to pay $50 and it will be "hakuna matata". Oh gosh, of all the things he can say, that is the worst possible thing. I've known African expats who swear that they will kill the next idiot who comes up to them and goes "Hakuna matata, yeah baby!" as if it's the only phrase that matters in Africa. I don't think the officer is amused either as he asks them to wait for his superior to arrive.

The Teams back at the Airport speculate about the possible fate of the C+Cs. Chip chuckles and says to the camera that he would have paid the money because he wouldn't want to tangle with the local law enforcers. No doubt he'd leave a $20 tip on top of that. All this over $50, Chip marvels, and says that the C+Cs will one day destroy themselves. I'll drink to that.

As they wait for the police officer in question to arrive, the C+Cs are arguing. Colin is telling Christie that this matter will be "so much easier" if she isn't making it difficult for everyone. Yes, everything is her fault, naturally. Christie asks him to point out where she has made things difficult for them because all she did was to tell him that they are wasting time here. Finally, the officer arrives and wants to know what the problem is. Colin repeats his story, talking about how the driver let two Teams cut the cab and then there's the donut thing so in a nutshell, the driver isn't speeding fast enough yet paradoxically he is an unsafe driver, but anyway, Colin will only pay the driver $50 and nothing more. And then, Colin actually turns his back to the officer and walks away!

The officer has to walk out after Colin and asks Colin to discuss this matter peacefully. Colin tells him that he considers the matter settled and he's leaving because he has a plane to catch. The officer has enough it at this point and tells Colin that he is a police officer, they are at a police station, and Colin has better listen. Meanwhile, Christie is standing at the lane and telling Colin to just pay the money so that they can leave. Now Colin and the officer are discussing "contracts", where the officer points out that there is no contract so he has no proof that Colin has the right to give himself a $50 discount on the account of what happened on the journey. Only, he is being quite sarcastic about it and Colin doesn't get it, instead shouting at the officer that yes, there is no contract. The officer then says - gleefully now - that the driver wants to press charges against Colin. Christie again pleads to Colin to just pay and get her out of this place. I guess the self-professed decision maker can't step in and handle the "negotiations" herself because of reasons only she will know. The officer tells Colin to get in the station. Colin refuses. The officer snaps at him to get in and sit there now. As Colin finally obeys, he voices over that they're going to throw him into jail. Hurrah!

Alas, the champagne I have ready is wasted as there is no jail. Instead, after some meaningless argument where Colin seems shocked that the police officers don't care that he has a flight to catch, he takes a bunch of dollar notes, tosses them in the air, and then walks away, saying that the driver can take his money. How wonderful. I'm sure he has no clue that the cameras are what saved him from a three-hour beating in a jail cell.

Christie runs after Colin as he leaves, asking him to wait for her. He just snaps at her to walk faster. She finally loses it and tells him not to get angry at her. He starts ranting on the grievances inflicted by the driver or the officer and she cuts him off, asking him not to make things up in his head. The sad thing is, she seems to have a lot of practice asking him not to reinterpret events in his own head to justify his actions. She's better get ready to placate Colin from beating Philo when they - hopefully - come in not first at the finish line because Colin may have it in his head that Philo is just trying to cheat him of his rightful victory. Colin voices over as they return to the airport that he is frustrated by Christie because he wants someone who will stand by him and back him up no matter he is wrong or right. Is that why men have girlfriends? Won't a back-scratcher be cheaper? Back at those two, he tells her that he wants a "different kind of relationship" and instead of telling him to get a blow-up doll, she tells him that he pisses her off.

At the airport, Linda Bates asks Colin about the events at the police station and Colin says, lifting his hand and making that thumb and index finger gesture thingie, that he comes "this close". To what? Sharing a cell with an eight-feet tall criminal called Gorilla? Linda of course says how disappointing it is that Colin didn't win. Colin, failing to see the sarcasm, puffs up and takes a seat by the table to start regaling the story. Naturally, the part where he didn't win, he blames it on Christie, saying that he would've won if she wasn't there. Christie is not happy and tells him to get over the matter. He reminds her that he is the one telling the story. "Is that alright with you?" he asks her like she's the stupidest woman in the world. She walks away. Kim voices over that Christie is living in stress because Colin is "so abusive and belligerent" to her. Cut to a downcast Christie sitting alone on the airport seat. See? Brobbie is right all along, how sad. She's probably watching this and having a laugh. Too bad she's not here on this episode because I'd love to hear her sarcastic comments about the incident. Maybe she'd have followed them to the police station and offer to press charges on behalf of the cab driver!

The GLPPs and the Quotas depart at 8:30 am. All talk about how happy they are on the earliest flight, blah blah blah.

Christie tries to explain to Colin once more why she feels that they wasted time at the police station. Why she has to explain, I have no idea. He accuses her of "harping" on the matter and she actually apologizes. I do pity her as she's obviously Colin's whipping post but since she's also an unlikeable bitch at the same time, I hope she stays with Colin for a long, long time so that these two horrible people will not inflict themselves on the rest of humanity.

At 9:30 am, the C+Cs leave along with the Downtown Hiltons in what must be the worst flight to be stuck on in the history of this Race. At the Nairobi airport, the Quotas and the GLPPs purchase tickets on a 12:00 pm Kenya Air flight that would take them to Dubai. The Bates Sisters depart at 10:30 am to Nairobi. The C+Cs and the Downtown Hiltons join the GLPPs and the Downtown Hiltons in the 12:00 pm flight to Dubai. The four teams board the flight at 11:40 am just as the Bates Sisters arrive. The Bates Sisters beg and plead but alas, they can't make that 12:00 pm flight. The guy is quite mean, he walks away saying okay but when Linda lights up and asks him whether he'll let her get on the flight, he says no. Snigger. The poor Bates Sisters get another punch in the gut when they learn that there is no more flight out to Dubai until 12:19 am. Because the 12:00 pm flight will land in Dubai at around 6:00 pm, that means that the Bates Sisters would still be waiting for their flight to Dubai when the other Teams are already doing their thing in Dubai. The Bates Sisters go on a mild panic but there is nothing they can do, alas.

At 6:00 pm, the Kenya Air flight lands and the Teams dash out of the airport. Chip asks the Downtown Hiltons where they are running to. As if those idiot sisters will know, pffft! Maybe they are running to the toilet and then Chip would look like a fool for following after them. Philo explains that the Teams must now head to the largest off-shore hotel in the world, the Burj Al Arab Hotel, and locate the clue on the street across the hotel. As Teams get into cabs, Chip says that hanging out with the Downtown Hiltons causes him, "the old man", to run. Ah yes, he's the old one, that Chip.

Most of the Teams soon realize that their cab drivers prefer to drop them at the hotel instead of by the clue stand visible across the street. Only the Quotas' cab driver is obliging enough to drop them off by the clue stand, so the Quotas are now in first place. The clue tells them to make their way up to the heliport at the roof of the hotel and locate the next clue there. Here's the bummer: the hotel heliport is closed at the moment and Teams will have to wait until 8:00 am. Since they have fourteen hours of leisure, the Teams get ready to rest.

The Bates Sisters arrive early in the morning, probably a few hours before 8:00 am, and realize that the other Teams are all bunched up and the Bates Sisters can catch up. They are happy, naturally. Whee!

At 7:50 am, the Teams walk into the hotel and my, it is a beautiful place. Lots of crystalline glass panes and they have a futuristic-looking waterfall thingie in there too. I can think of a few better place to get bankrupted in. And then the Teams take a glass elevator to the heliport. Colin demands a kiss from Christie - yes, he demands for one with his "Give me a kiss!" - and she gives him one. He grabs her waist, secure in the feeling that his woman is once more under his control. Christie looks miserable but she's probably used to the feeling, since she's dating Colin and has become adept at taking all the blame for his failings to the point that she starts to believe that everything is indeed her fault.

When the heliport opens, the Teams pretty much grab their Clues the same time. Philo explains that Teams must now get to the local ferry station and get a ferry to the Port of Dubai. There, they must locate the owner of a traditional boat called the dhow and he'll give them the next clue.

Minor cab drama ensues when Kim gets worried because their money is running out. Meanwhile, Colin is gleeful when his cab passes the Bates Sisters' and demands that the driver goes faster. There goes his concern about road safety!

The GLPPs and the Quotas arrive first at the ferry station. The GLPPs have only twenty-dollar notes after their trip to the money changer and wow, the cab driver doesn't have any change, leading Joan to blow up at Moppet once she learns that the Quotas paid their driver only nine dollars. Moppet is willing to stop and make the driver go hunt for change (and I think he's being sarcastic) and she clams up. That is, until she's on the ferry where she then complains loudly to all and sundry that Moppet can't keep giving out twenties. Newsflash, Joan: he doesn't have a choice as the cab driver claims to have no change. Since she doesn't want to wait for the cab driver to get change, she has not much point in complaining. Kim tells the camera that she agrees with Joan and she feels that Chip is too easy with the money too. The C+Cs and the Bates Sisters arrive next at the station and get a ferry without much fuss.

The Quotas manage to locate the dhow first and the Clue now calls for a Detour. "Off-plane" is a skydiving detour, only this time there is a 45-minute interval between each dive. "Off-road" requires the Team to drive a 4X4 over an area of sand dunes to the same spot where the skydiving teams will land. This task can be fast or slow depending on how one can navigate the 4X4. If the 4X4 gets stuck in the sand, a tow truck would have to be called to pull it out of its jam and that may cost the Team precious time.

The Quotas are taking the off-road track while Joan wants the GLPPs to jump off the plane. Every other Team takes the off-road track but the Downtown Hiltons, coming in last at the dhow reason that other Teams (especially Christie who doesn't want to skydive - may muss up her hair, you know) might not want to do the skydive detour so they could still make up for lost time by taking this Detour.

The Quotas can't find a cab driver to take them to the off-road Detour location so they have to walk around asking each cab driver they come across. Meanwhile, Christie tells Colin to stand back and let her do the negotiation with the cab driver. I'm sure she will apologize for that piece of insolence once the adrenaline rush has cooled down. When the Quotas finally get a cab that knows where to go, they realize that they may not have the money to pay for the trip. Nah, but that doesn't stop them from getting into the cab, of course. The GLPPs are not excited about skydiving but I don't think they like the idea of handling a 4X4 either. Colin tells Christie that he used to drive like a reckless monster when he was a kid so this Detour will be no problem for him. Linda tells Kathy that she always want to drive like a reckless monster and Kathy tells her not to flip them (while mentally making a note never to sit in the SUV that Linda is driving). Chip watches as the cab meter ticks past fifty dollars and voices over that he doesn't have the money to pay for it. Of course, he doesn't tell the driver that.

The GLPPs spot the yellow and red flag marking the location of the skydiving turf but their cab whizzes past the junction. Oops. One of the Downtown Hiltons spots the flag but the other sister insists to the cab driver to keep going, saying that just because The Idiot That Sees spots the flag that doesn't mean that they should go there. I know. I don't know what to say either. The Idiot That Doesn't See asks the cab driver to keep following the GLPPs' cab. What a genius! Naturally, they follow the GLPPs in making a U-turn right into that junction that The Idiot That Sees pointed out earlier. The Idiot That Doesn't See has to eat crow pie but says optimistically that they can beat the GLPPs in a footrace. They can't. Moppet grabs the number one tag from a post of numbered tags and the GLPPs are going first. The Downtown Hiltons will have to settle for being second and skydiving forty-five minutes after the GLPPs. The Idiot That Doesn't See tells the Idiot That Sees that she's very sorry and she should have listened. The Idiot That Sees doesn't seem to placated though. They sit on some benches as they wait for their turn and they resume sniping and complaining about each other. The Idiot That Sees keeps saying that she's right and they should have been first if not for The Other Sister. The Idiot That Doesn't See tells her to get over it. She responds by saying that she's right so why don't somebody stuff it. Meanwhile, the GLPPs are up and away.

Colin in his cab says that he wants to skydive too but he's sure that the off-road Detour will be faster. I'm sure he doesn't want to be accused of being unmanly enough for wanting to accommodate his useless girlfriend's fear of skydiving or maybe his own Napoleonic complex about heights, oh no. They run to where th 4X4s are waiting and for some reason they tell the people around them to go "very fast", which is bizarre because these people aren't going anywhere with the C+Cs. Colin takes the wheel. Let's just say that he can scream "Woo-hoo!" and "Alright!" and even "Yeah, baby!" all he wants but he is still short and his penis is still tiny. Is Colin short for "Overcompensatin'"?

Meanwhile, the Bates Sisters are approaching the dunes. Linda tells Kathy not to worry because if they roll, they will roll, she says. How reassuring. Linda has a bright and probably insane gleam in her eyes as she steps behind the wheel. I wonder whether she is related to Chippo of last season in any way.

Meanwhile, Chip tells the cab driver that he is ten dollars short. The cab driver is nice enough to let that go and Chip gives the man a hug and calls him his brother. He tells the camera then that because he has done a lot of "good things" like eating watermelons on a porch (for free) and tipping cab drivers that all the "positive karma" is coming back to him. Gee, I don't see him saying that he's depriving the driver of $10 that will surely change the man's life. Still, his ripping the cab driver off is far more effective than Colin's shoot-and-deliver method. Here is where my love for this Team officially dies. I like a happy couple but a happy couple that where the man acts like a sanctimonious hypocrite, no. Give me an openly nasty but enjoyable team like the Barrs and the Friends of Gulliver anytime.

Kathy thinks she's going to die. Linda, predictably, gets them stuck in the sand barely seconds after their 4X4 take off, but with brute force on the gearstick, Linda gets them out of the sticky situation in no time. Now that is what I call sexy psychotic driving. Colin can eat shoe and die. Chip is also on the road with Kim hanging on for dear life beside him. His driving is not as sexy as Linda's though.

The GLPPs are about to jump off from their plane. They can actually see the 4X4s below charging towards the stop that the GLPPs will be diving towards and Moppet says that it is difficult to see those Teams move while they have to wait here on the plane. And they then jump, screaming and hollering all the way down. Yes, "God" is mentioned quite a few times on the way down.

The C+Cs are the first to finish the 4X4 circuit. Colin tells the camera how glad that he has experience in driving like a psycho monster on the road because it is not an easy task, mind you. Am I supposed to bow in reverence to Colin at this point? I mean, come on, Linda is driving like she's a road hog pro and I don't think she's had any deep and lasting experiences at running over chicken and skunks like Colin claims to have. The clue they receive tells them to use a GPS navigation system, hop on a camel, and get to the Pit Stop. I'm sure they have a Roadblock in here but has been removed from this episode because of all the I Cheated The Cab Driver And Almost Got Thrown Into Jail drama. Colin announces that he knows how to use the GPS thingie. How nice, Colin. Is there anything he can't do, apart from cooking an egg, eating it, being tall, being nice, being handsome, being gentlemanly, being well-hung, being modest, being masculine, being human, being sociable, and being likeable?

The GLPPs land and get on a camel. "Let's go, donkey," Moppet says. He must be talking to Joan because I'm sure everyone can tell a difference between a donkey and a camel. Right?

The Downtown Hiltons get suited up to jump and complain that they are "screwed". But they are manipulative and sexy, of course.

Chip, still driving, complains that he can't see any red and yellow flag that will let him know that he is driving in the correct direction. Kim looks around and says that she can't see any flags either. They decide to just follow the tire tracks on the dunes and Chip hopes that these tracks weren't made by his own 4X4! Linda's 4X4 is stuck in the sand and this time they need to call a tow truck for help. Oh dear. Chip also gets his 4X4 stuck just as he spots a red and yellow flag.

The Downtown Hiltons jump.

Colin is not happy that the camel isn't moving fast enough and tells it so. The camel has a spit-stopper thingie attached to its mouth so it unfortunately cannot respond in an appropriate manner. The camel driver is too well-mannered to tell Colin what it can do with his haughty-toity ugly tourist behavior. Moppet, behind Colin, also urges his camel driver to get the camel move faster. Does it matter who is first at this point of the Race? They are just minutes apart. These people are being obnoxious and it's really a pity that the camels can't spit on them.

At the Pit Stop, Philo and the VIP look and wonder who is the first Team to arrive. Why, it's the C+Cs. They keep arriving first, good. That way when they don't win in the end, Colin will really lose it and explode into bits and pieces before my eyes on TV. Because he's not winning this. I refuse to entertain that notion. Christie tells the camera that she shouldn't have been angry with him and she is so sorry that she did. How nice of her. She and Colin are a perfect match. He's always right, she's always wrong, and they both agree and love every moment of their dysfunctional relationship. It is only unfortunate that poor me have to watch them display their painfully codependent traits on TV. Oh, and Philo gives them a prize vacation to the Caribbeans.

The GLPPs are team number two.

The Bates Sisters are finally able to keep going and they hope to beat the Quotas, who are soon towed out of the dune pit and are on their way too. The Downtown Hiltons jump. The Quotas and then the Bates Sisters jump on camels armed with GPS thingies. The Downtown Hiltons finally land and hope to catch up.

The Quotas land on the mat, team number three.

Linda calls her "Mr Camel" to hurry up as the Downtown Hiltons are close behind. That lovely endearment works because the camel soon drops them at the mat, team number four.

And yay, the Downtown Hiltons are the last to arrive. Alas, this is not an elimination round, says Philo, so the idiots are still in the Race. They are happy and I am... not. I am hoping to have one less annoying Team to watch next week. Philo demands all their money and my, those two actually have plenty of dough with them. Either they have been very careful or they have been stealing from other Teams. Philo asks them how they will find money in the middle of the desert and the Downtown Hiltons remind him that they are resourceful, young, and cute. They also want to be the first all-female team to win. And next week, among more ugly American moments from nearly all Teams left on this Race, they finally show people how manipulative, resourceful, and cute they are as they go around soliciting money by pouting at gentlemen and batting their eyelashes in what seems like a thankfully asexual series of transactions. Let's just say that if they are the first streetwalkers in human civilization, the oldest profession in the world today would be priesthood.


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