That's Me. That's My Face. Just Hit My Face. Hit My Face!
The Amazing Race 4: Episode 10
The episode begins with Philo's very manly "Pree-vee-ously on The Amazing Race" upon which he then lowers that manly timbre a bit to speak like the Manboob With Love that everybody loves the mostest about the events of last week. Some orangutan shots, including Chippo's granny climbing up some stairs before turning to scowl at the camera while cupping her bare arse from being televised across the world. Too late, gramps. Philo announces that Borneo is a "mysterious island of lush rainforests and exotic wildlife", which is the cue for a scene of the remaining four teams visiting the orangutans. Someone must have thoughtfully switched on the sprinklers (thank you) because everyone looks wet. Top Gun in his wet white tee, not that hot but still, I'll take what I can get. Bohunks in wet white tee, not. Philo is in a whitish tee too, and it's an even looser affair than last week's. Oi, Chippo's Gramps, come over here and rip Philo's shirt off for me! Roseanne and Dan hold hands as they ogle at the orangutans and Philo's voiceover calls them (the Barrs, not the orangutans) the "last co-ed team". No nipple-pinching today, but we get Chippo's Gramps's bare arse, so I guess the T&A quota is still fulfilled. Let's leave Chippo's My Big Fat Chimp Wedding - on with the race!
It's 10:26 pm when the DADT are allowed to depart. They read the clue which tells them to go to the Puu Jih Syh Temple, the largest temple on the "Malaysian Borneo" as Philo helpfully explains, in town. In the temple is a large rotating spire thingie filled with small statuettes of Buddha. There are labels on each statuette and each Team must find the statuette labelled with their names. There's a key stuck behind the statuette, and this key will be used to open the corresponding rattan box located nearby. The next clue is in the box. Top Gun says in the voiceover that he and Chippo are getting intense now because the race is "on". They will have to watch and make sure every thing they do counts, he adds, because one mistake will lead to elimination. They get into a cab, and there they go.
It is an easy trip to the temple. Since they are about two hours ahead of the other teams, they can afford to take it a little bit easier than they always do. Top Gun looks suitably awed at the temple and says that he likes what he knows about Buddhism, not elaborating on just how much exactly does he know, naturally. They look at the spiral thingie, and Top Gun wonders whether their names are written in Malay. Since my name is spelled the same in Malay as it is in English, I find this question naturally hysterical in just how silly it is. Chippo tells him that their names will be written in English. He tells Top Gun that he's found it, and sure enough, the label is in English. Or Malay. There's no difference, really. Anyway, they open the box thingie and learn from the clue inside that they must now fly 4,000 miles to Seoul, South Korea. Once they are in Seoul, they must find Namsan Park, where from there they must find the Seoul Tower for their next clue. How exciting. Kim Jong-Il must be so jealous that the show is not going to take place at his side of Korea.
To get to the airport, each team must take a chartered van that departs only at midnight. There will be a van every thirty minutes, and each van can only take one team. Since it's only around 11:15 am now, Top Gun decides to take some time to kneel and close his eyes in what I presume to be meditative contemplation. Chippo comments on the beauty of the temple. Top Gun says that he has never felt so protected and spiritual since he was a kid.
Okay, I'll be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt here. I'm a non-practising Buddhist, but even I know that Buddhism is one of the very, very, very, very few religions that actually advocates tolerance towards homosexuals. Buddhism judges homosexuality on the same level as heterosexuality - the sins of the flesh between two people of the same sex are the same as that between two people of opposite sex. Thou shall not commit adultery. A healthy loving relationship between two consenting adults? That's still okay in Buddhism. I'm not trying to convert people to Buddhism here, I'm just saying that Top Gun, who is an active participant in gay right movements, may know about this aspect of Buddhism and his fascination with the religion may be genuine. Of course, being spiritual on TV is another matter altogether, but at this moment, I'm more inclined to go "Awww!" at Top Gun's "I Have Enlightenment On TV" rather than to sneer at him.
Anyway, 12:00 am rolls on, and the DADT load their bags onto the back of the van. Then they're off.
At 12:56 am, it's "Go! Go! Go!" time as the Sideshow Bobs leave. Of course, being clowns, they must let the world know, and in this case, howling like orangutans bein neutered without anesthesia is the way to do it. They talk about friendship. Dull. Please embrace the Bohunks tight, get on a plane to Siberia together, and don't come back, thanks. It is one thing to be competent, but in a way, their annoying "See! We're clowns! We balance the Eiffel Tower on our noses! We make hoo-hoo-hoo noises! We're clowns! We're so funny! Aren't we funny?" camera-mugging make them more freaking insincere than Top Gun's cosmetic procedures on his ears and teeth and who knows what else.
Speaking of Bore and Boring, at 1:11 am, here come the Bohunks. It looks as if they are given $400 for this leg of the race. Ugly Hairy calls his Team the "underdogs" of the Race. What a moron. It's "uberbore", Ugly, or if that's a word too difficult for you, try "boring dudes". If you can handle more than two words at a time, how about "boring and inept dudes"? Again, I wonder how this two deadweights manage to be cast on the Race in the first place. Have Bonghammer seriously run out of good-looking and interesting males to put on this show? When it comes to the legacy of the Alpha Male Team, the Oily Bohunks is like the bottom of the barrel that fell through. So, needless to say, of course they will win the Race, and I will be rejoicing when this show finally gets cancelled, because Boring Bohunks getting a million dollars is just not right, people. Not right at all!
The Sideshow Bobs find their statuette. In case we miss them reading the clue, they both give a loud whoop: "Seoul, Korea! Yeah!" complete with false enthusiasm of the evil clowns. Then we see the Bohunks also getting their statuette. Both teams wait for the chartered van to arrive. Ugly Hairy says in a voiceover that they feel that the Sideshow Bobs, with their "pretty powerful" combination of "smart" and "strength", are the Bohunks' biggest threat. Actually, I'm more inclined to believe that anybody with half a brain cell is the Bohunks' biggest threat, but it is not nice to puncture the delusions of almost-forty-years-old beach bums that speak in "dude" and "bro" bohunk-speak and get lost even when they are trying to walk a straight line, so I'll just stay silent and not throw things at the TV.
Did I say that the Bohunks will win this thing?
Roseanne and Dan finally make their move at 2:42 am. Roseanne reminds me that she is the only woman left on the Race and she will have to "bust her butt" to give the boys "a run for their money". Let's just hope that "bust her butt" is not a literal premonition, although judging from Roseanne's frail frame, this unfortunate butt-busting may happen in the near future. Of course, she's here because of Dan. This season's race is insanely biased towards men. I'm not saying that the show should deliberately favor women, but in this season, most of the Detours and Roadblocks require pure brute strength. Women can perform well in these tasks, naturally, but look at the women Bonghammer chose for the Race! Skinny twigs, obese women, and only three decent athletic women (the Hot Mommas and Daphne of the Cordelias). Of course there is only one women left on this late leg of the Race, and this woman is here mainly because her male partner carried her mostly all the way here. Roseanne is stating the obvious when she says that she is the only woman left. Bad casting and poor race design are the reasons for why an all-female team will never win this show unless Bonghammer stops casting skinny bitchy waifs or happy but unfit Sookies and put more athletic women on the show instead. Anyway, that's it for my rant for now.
The Sideshow Bobs get onto their chartered van. Half an hour later, the Bohunks are also on their way to the airport.
Roseanne and Dan are at the temple now. No sissy spiritual praying nonsense for these two. Roseanne squeals as she quickly find their statuette, and so enough, the camera pans to show that the other statuettes are all labelled in Chinese while the Racers' are in English. Or Malay if you are Top Gun. In their chartered van, Roseanne tells the camera that she doesn't want to just be in the Final Four - she wants to win. She announces that her wrath is "fixing to come out". I check the buttons of her blouse, fearing for what I may be seeing on TV next. Dan says that the wrath is fixing to come out on him. Er, I think I am missing something here. Are they talking about... never mind. Let's move on.
It is now light when the DADT gets off at the Kota Kinabalu International Airport. Top Gun handles the ticket negotiations, as he asks a Chinese lady behind the ticket counter about the fastest route to Seoul. Chippo studies a tourist guidebook. They are given one that connects at Singapore. Then come the Sideshow Bobs. Top Gun and Chippo glare at them somewhat in annoyance, maybe mad that their lead has been cut off by airport bunching. He whispers very loudly to Chippo not to tell the Sideshow Bobs anything. As if Chippo will tell them anything, really. The DADT are very sneaky, sometimes unnecessarily so, after all. Sure enough, one Sideshow Bob tells the other that he believes that Top Gun has just told Chippo not to tell them anything! Hee. Top Gun says in a voiceover that they don't believe in alliances - only begging the Sideshow Bobs to wait so that everybody can be number one together - not at this late stage of the Race, blah blah blah. It doesn't matter. The Sideshow Bobs get tickets on the same flight anyway. So do the Bohunks. So do the Barrs, who are so happy to see that their lagging behind has been eliminated by the bunching. Everyone's flying together like one big happy family! I wonder whether Top Gun runs off to the bathroom and cry so pretty in a cubicle.
The flight leaves. On the plane, one of the Sideshow Bobs decide to share his opinions on the remaining three Teams. He calls the Barrs "very strong" and the DADT "very cunning". Meanwhile, the Bohunks are said to "never give up". Well, I guess we can call morons that keep running into the wall again and again "never give up". Then everybody's at Singapore again. Being unusually sneaky, the Bohunks call up a twenty-hour agent and manage to book a 6:55 pm flight to Seoul via Hong Kong on a standby basis. The Sideshow Bobs also have the same idea and operating independently from the Bohunks, they manage to be put on standby for the same flight. This 6:55 pm flight lands in Seoul around an hour earlier than the flight the DADT and the Barrs are getting on.
The Barrs sit on the benches near the departure, wondering where the Bohunks and the Sideshow Bobs are. Top Gun says that it's time for the DADT to eat American food, so we see them munching on A&W burger and fries. They don't show that it's A&W, but trust me, there's only one fast food eatery inside the departure area, and it's A&W.
The Bohunks then enquire at the counter only to learn that somehow they are never actually on standby! See, they are so boring even ticket people forget they exist. Apparently she somehow gets this impression that they ask to be put on standby, but they never actually mean to ask to be put on standby, so she just sells them tickets to a flight that is already full! Welcome to the local service industry. The Bohunks forcefully - by this, I mean they sound a little flatter than usual - ask why on earth would she sell them tickets to a fully booked flight. She says that she doesn't want to cause any "unpleasantness". A male colleague of hers come to look into the matter, and soon the Bohunks are on that flight. The Sideshow Bobs have the same problems too. One of them make a "strangling" gesture, but by now Robotic Ticket Lady has known to just give these people their tickets and be done with it. At 7:00 pm, the Bohunks and the Sideshow Bobs take to the air.
Dan is quite annoyed to see only Team DADT meeting the Barrs at the departure gate. "Where the hell is the other Teams?" he wants to know. Well, in Seoul, obviously, duh. This flight leaves at 10:45 pm. Top Gun looks back as he walks out of the waiting lounge, maybe expecting to see the Sideshow Bobs and the Bohunks running to catch up or something. No luck there, himbo. Hello, Seoul. Sell your soul in Seoul. Ahem.
At 5:00 am, the first flight has reached Seoul. The two Teams then encounter the first problem of the day: language barrier. The cab drivers all wear shiny black suits, the better to serve their clients, but most of them don't understand English well, if at all. The Sideshow Bobs show the cab driver their guidebooks, pointing at the spot where Namsan Park is. Finally, one cab driver seems to get it, so the two Teams agree that the Sideshow Bobs take this cab and the Oily Bohunks just play follow. One of the Sideshow Bob says in their cab ride that the language barrier is tougher here than anywhere else they've been. Ugly Hairy of the Bohunks notes most observantly that the culture in Korea is "very different" and he feels very conspicuous as an American ugly in South Korea. No crap, Sherlock. It's an uneventful ride to the park and an uneventful climb up the Seoul Tower. The Sideshow Bobs reach the top first, where the clue they receive then tells them to now head on to the vaguely obscene-sounding Sundam Valley, which as Philo says, is just close to the North Korean border. The next clue awaits at the bank of an even more obscene-sounding Han-Tan River, Philo adds vaguely. The Bohunks also complete their climb. When both Teams are done, they decide to share a cab to Sundam Valley. It's, after all, $100 for an approximately three-hour ride.
It's 5:40 am when the second flight reaches Seoul. Dan says that he is worried that he is so close to the North Korean border. Little does he know that Kim Jong-Il is right now praying that those "harpy shrew, two homersexuals, two ugly clowns, a rude freak, and two redneck bastard sons of George W Bush" don't get lost and end up in his beautiful communist country. Roseanne wonders where the other two teams are. They get into their cab and they then go stalk Kim Jong-Il. The DADT leave the airport a little later than the Barrs, and they decide to take some time making sure that they get a cab driver that speaks and understands English. However, they can't find any. So what the heck, they have no choice but to get in one and hope for the best.
The Barrs find the Tower and their clue without trouble, and as they run down, they meet the DADT going up. "Hi, boys!" Roseanne calls out to them. After all, her hubby-to-be is on intimate terms with the nipples of one of those guys, so it'll be lovely if everybody becomes neighbors and throws wild swinger parties at the weekends. The Barrs head off to Sundam Valley in their cab. DADT, however, wants a new cab. Chippo says that their cab driver speaks zero English and they have to gesture at the Tower only after their cab driver passes it to get him to take them there. Chippo says he wants an English-speaking driver because anything else will means that they would have "f**ked the whole day" and in this context, "f**ked the whole day" is not a good thing at all. They can't find any using the old "hail the cab by the roadside" way, so they finally decide to go to a nearest hotel and negotiate with the concierge instead. The friendly but only marginally useful guys at the Seoul Grand Hyatt manage to get the DADT one such cab driver after a few false starts, and then DADT is on their way too. Chippo tells the cab driver that they "are in a competition" and they must really hurry. Mr Cab Driver thinks, "What weird people." Still, as we shall soon see, Chippo killing some time to minimize language barrier problems is one of the smartest things he has ever done on this Race.
The Bohunk-Bobbie cab driver is on a phone ("Hello? I'm in a cab with evil clowns and evil rednecks, please help!"). The Bohunks are pondering over their map. Then we see the driver running to a store, to ask for directions, as it turns out, and not to flee through the bathroom window like I hoped. The Bohunks are starting to suspect that maybe the cab driver, who says "Yes" and "Okay" to every question, doesn't know where he is going. The cab driver gets back into the cab, and the Bohunks ask him again whether he is sure where to go now. "Okay," Mr Cab Driver says. Actually, I have a Malaysian friend that attended a cab driving course once when he was unemployed and really looking for a job to tide the bad times, and he told me that the first thing non-English speaking drivers are taught in English is "Yes" and "Okay". So I really won't be so sure about Mr Cab Driver here. Cab drivers are all the same, be it in Malaysia, in Korea, or in Timbuktu.
The DADT is having a much happier time with their cab driver. Look, he speeds to beat traffic lights, earning him Chippo's big grin of approval! Top Gun, for some reason, talks about how it is okay to push one's naked arse out of the window as long as the blinkers are on. Something tells me that Top Gun and Chippo will be really scary to have at parties when they are drunk and they have run out of water balloons to pelt at strangers from their speeding vehicle.
Ooh, tanks! Barbed wire fencing! Military outposts! As it turns out, the Bohunk-Bobbie cab driver has taken them straight to the Demilitarized Zone of the North-South Korean border. Maybe he believes that these silly Americans, like all silly Americans, are just looking for a paid tour of the DMZ. ("And before you ask, no, I do not want these people. Send them back! Send them back! And what happened to those hot American models? They can come." - Kim Jong-Il.) The Bohunks and the Sideshow Bobs begin to frantically call the cab driver to turn back, no doubt having CNN nuclear war propoganda flashing in their minds now. Kim Jong-Il breathes a sigh of relief and orders a year's subscription of Playboy to celebrate.
Meanwhile, the Barrs are looking outside. Dan is sure that the clue is here... somewhere. It's always somewhere. Roseanne tells him to get ready to run and grab the clue because apparently the clue says that there's a first-come, first-serve thing. Roseanne is definitely getting into the butt-bursting thing with great fervor.
Team DADT spots a sign that points to the Han-Tan River ("Han Tan" in Cantonese translates to "Itchy Eggs", if you must know, and I wonder what it means in Korean). Meanwhile the Bohunk-Bobbie cab driver stops for directions. One of the Sideshow Bobs say that it is frustrating to navigate without knowing how to read a map. Somewhere, Millie the Mole and Chuckes the Werewolf glare at each other. Then look, the Barrs pass them! Roseanne is overjoyed to realize that the Barrs have overtaken them, and then both she and Dan exchange a funny "Uh oh!" look before ducking down from view. Too late. The Bohunk-Bobbie quickly ask their driver to follow the Barrs. See, this "Follow the cab!" thing doesn't just happen in the movies. One of the Sideshow Bobs complain that they have lost their lead. Tough, boys, tough.
The DADT get down from their cab and approach the clue box. Top Gun is shocked to realize, from counting the number of clues in the box, that they are the first team to arrive. "No way!" he exclaims. Without a "dude" at the end, that's why I love this team and I hate hate HATE the Bohunks. "How the hell are we number one?" he asks. Chippo tells him that it's because Big Daddy Chippo has hired them a cab driver who knows where he is going. Top Gun beams at his big hairy husband with pride. Then they both thank their cab driver, with Top Gun showing the cab driver the number one tag and telling him that it's because of him that they are number one. Both men clap him on the shoulder and they also do some shoulder patting with him. The cab driver is probably looking around the icy wastes and wondering just what these two weirdos have won, but he just smiles and beams back anyway. He wants to get paid after all, like all of us.
The Barrs arrive shortly after, followed by the Bohunk-Bobbies. Top Gun, noticing that the Bohunks and the Sideshow Bobs have formed a "small alliance", feels threatened. He adds that he hopes that the Barrs make top three, because he feels that the Barrs are easier to beat. That still leaves one more team unaccounted for in Top Gun's world, but I guess he's hoping that the Bohunks will call out to the Sideshow Bobs to wait so that both teams will step on the mat together at last place and be simultaneously eliminated. Or something. Sometimes figuring out these contestants stump me in ways I can't imagine.
It's time for a Roadblock. Each team must select a member to perform, blah blah blah. The team member needs to be the one with a "colder personality". The cold-blooded reptile must strip down to skivvies (Top Gun wonders what skivvies are - and to be honest, I always thought "skivvies" is an Enid Blyton thing), climb down a hole on the frozen river, swim underneath to emerge from another hole a distance away. But before the team can dash away, they must also wait until the reptile's body temperature has returned to normal. Whatever. I am blindsided by the words "strip down to skivvies". You can't pry me away from the TV even if you try. Then the Sideshow Bobs just have to do a melodramatic freak-out show on TV and I feel ill. I hate clowns.
The locals are now cutting a hole with a chainsaw thingie, and then they form a line to pull up the block of ice. The Racers all look intense and maybe even scared as they look at the Hole. It's probably a Freudian thing.
Then Chippo gets down to his skivvies. Wow. It's a lovely black tight bikini briefs thing, and there's a tattoo - Celtic motif, I believe - down his back. Arrr, tiger! The Sideshow Bobs decide to break into a stupid song to break the ice, or so they say. Top Gun bends backwards laughing, but he's the only one. Chippo is now in some tent where a doctor presses a stethoscope to Chippo's chest - ooh, what lovely fur, can I touch? - and asks him whether he has hearing problems, whether he is prone of heart attack, et cetera. I never wished so hard to be a doctor in Korea until now. Top Gun stands outside, fretting like June Cleaver as Chippo puts his feet into the Hole and - woosh! There he goes, ladies and gentlemen! Even Roseanne is heard cheering Chippo on. Hey, someone play some Vangelis, will ya? Then Chippo gets out of the other hole, gratefully accepts a towel from one of the guys standing nearby, and... whoa. Whoa. I think I will let the screencaps do the talking.
Some guys shrink in icy water, but Big Chippo - yes, let's call him Big Chippo from now on - apparently absorbs water like some natural Visking tube. Then Big Chippo is back at the tent cooling down with the aid of heaters. And because we can't get too much of Big Chippo, here's Chippo one more time:
Even the folks in the tent are amazed. Wow! For hotness, Chippo gets my perfect 10.
Top Gun runs to Chippo. It's sweet. He even asks Big Chippo whether Big Chippo should take off those lovely bikini briefs. Please do, Big Chippo, please do. Chippo says in a voiceover that he is lucky to have Top Gun as a partner and I go, "Awwsosweet now TAKE OFF THOSE FREAKING TRUNKS NOW!" Of course he doesn't. Never mind. Then Chippo puts back his clothes to the sounds of broken hearts everywhere and they receive their next clue. They must now head for Subway Station 228 in Seoul. The trick here is to figure out which subway station is Subway Station 228. The DADT get into a cab and then they're heading back to Seoul.
Roseanne encourages Dan as he prepares for his swim by telling him that he has been in colder waters than this. Hubby says eeeuw. I don't dare to ask what he is thinking and see if he's thinking what I am thinking. Dan strips down to fashionable gray Y-fronts with thick black waistband. No doubt one of Roseanne's modeling buddies send them to him in gratitude for the best nipple pinching experience ever. Take a look:
Dan is a little too hairless for my liking - he and Top Gun will make perfect Ken dolls in a box - but the stomach is pretty nice and the thighs are well-defined. An 8 in my book. Lose the face and I may up the score to a 9.
Roseanne claps and shrieks as Dan emerges from the exit hole. She runs to him in the tent and helps him wipe himself down, telling him that he is really awesome. Then they get the clue and they too are off.
Ugly Shorty of the Bohunks says that this swimming in ice water isn't hard, the hard part is seeing other teams go first. Liar, Shorty, your hard part is because you saw Big Chippo. Admit it, won't you? He strips down to predictably boring boxer shorts that reveal no bulge. His ugly shorty hairy body and puny wee-wee get a generous 3 in my book. He swims, and in a voiceover, he says that he feels disoriented because his body temperature is dropping. Another remarkably insightful statement from the Bohunks to add to your trivia database. When Ugly Shorty emerges from the exit hole, presumably more disoriented than usual, Ugly Hairy is too cool to run to embrace him. They get the clue, and they run out... only to remember that they came in one cab with the Sideshow Bobs.
One of the Sideshow Bobs strip down to boxer-briefs. Gee, we have a continuum of four major male underwear types today. Next thing I know, Philo will reveal that he is wearing a thong to complete the continuum. The Sideshow Bob swims, commenting in a voiceover that his toes feel like falling off. Then he's out of the water, and the other Sideshow Bob is shouting his love and encouragements, to which this Sideshow Bob says that the other Bob is "an amazing guy" because he can count on him under any kind of conditions. Gee, what a great PSA. Want a peanut to balance on your nose so that you can really remind me that you are Big-Hearted Funny Clowns? Nice arms though. A 6 in my book.
Meanwhile, the Bohunks are trying to figure out their way out of the shared cab problem. Ugly Shorty says that it's a mistake going with the Sideshow Bobs because "this is all about survival". They decide to "split". The Sideshow Bobs, having read their clue, run for their cab. The editing makes it such that the Bohunks have run away with the cab, leaving the Sideshow Bobs behind, but it's not really the case. The Bohunks share with the Sideshow Bobs of this brilliant plan to share the cab until they find another cab, upon which they will then split and go separate ways. Or rather, not separate ways, hopefully, but knowing the Bohunks, it may just as well be separate ways. Oh heck, whatever. The Sideshow Bobs thank the Bohunks for waiting for them. I hope these two teams arrive last at the same time and be eliminated together. How's that for sharing?
Team DADT's cab driver tells them that Station 228 is the station for Seoul University. He speaks English and he knows what Station 228 is. DADT must have found the best cab driver in Seoul.
It looks as if the Bohunks have found another cab. Right now they have stopped so that the Bohunks can remove their stuff and load them on the other cab. Both teams lose time this way, and the Bohunks say that they must work "extra hard" to catch up. Boys, the Pit Stop is right there, in Kim Jong-Il's palace. Go there now!
Then the inevitable happens. Top Gun and Roseanne both complain and whine when their cabs are caught in a traffic jam. One of the Sideshow Bobs see the subway train moving on the track parallel to the highway and has an idea. He asks the cab driver whether it will be faster to take the subway train to Seoul University. Of course the cab driver says "Yes". If it's not yes, it's "Okay". The Sideshow Bobs hesitate a little, but in the end decide to get off and run to the nearest subway station anyway. The DADT and the Bohunks also have the same idea. This leaves only the Barrs stuck in traffic. Roseanne is tired because she has been stuck in the cab for two hours. She has the same idea as the other Teams, and she suggests to Dan that they take the subway train. Dan tells her that they have to "get across the river" - they are on a bridge - to which she points out that subways do go across rivers. He says "Really?" most sarcastically, adding that he will get out his magic carpet for them both. Roseanne tells him off, saying that she's in no mood to tolerate his nonsense. Honey, you're marrying him. Think about that.
The Sideshow Bobs are now at a subway station. Their morale is low, because they can't see the other teams so they are scared that the risk they are taking will backfire on them. He'll be happier if he sees how Roseanne right now is berating Dan for being "negative". I love it when she tells him, "Maybe if you light a fire under your ass right now and get a little excited and a little stressed, we'd go faster." Dan reminds her that they are stuck in traffic. Apparently the cab doors must be locked shut by the evil cab driver because so far I have not seen Dan give any valid excuse as to why they shouldn't take a subway train other than the fact that he doesn't have a magic carpet. Roseanne's voice increases in volume as she tells Dan that she is fed up of coming in last and if she's going to be last, she'd rather not come in at all.
The Bohunks get onto a train. A girl looks up at Ugly Shorty who is squashed against her and sniffs before looking away. Atta girl!
Roseanne is whining that they should have taken a subway train. Dan says that all they have to do is to cross the bridge and then there will be no traffic afterwards. It makes no sense to me, until I remember how when I was living in Klang, and there's this bridge that spans the Klang River. And the thing is, traffic is always jammed like crazy until I've crossed the bridge, and then it's easy go all the way after. So in a way, this makes sense. Sure enough, once the cab crosses the bridge, traffic is noticeably smoother. Not that Roseanne is happy to be proven wrong. She tells Dan that she hopes they get eliminated so that he will know that "assholes never come in first." She gives him an evil sidelong glance and sniffs, "And lucky me, I'm engaged to the asshole!" Heh heh heh.
Oh, and the Bohunks are lost. No kidding. They have gotten on the wrong train. A gentleman tells them that they will have to get off the station and get on the subway train that goes in the other direction. In a voiceover, Ugly Shorty says that apparently they are in such a hurry, they jump on the first train they see without checking to make sure that it's going in the correct direction. Once they get off, they decide to just take a cab to Seoul University.
This Team is so going to win the Race. Join me in my corner as I weep at the injustice of it all.
The DADT are in a subway train. Chippo looks ill. Oh dear. Then they reach Seoul University, only to stumble when they realize that the familiar red and yellow flags pointing towards the Clue Stand is nowhere to be found. Top Gun decides to run down one direction to look, Chippo the other. The Barrs are the next to arrive at Seoul University, thanks to taking a cab. The Clue Stand is actually on the level above where the DADT are, and the Barrs find it easily. They read the clue and realize that they must now perform a Detour. Philo arrives, wearing an ugly sweater and an even uglier fur (fake, I hope) coat that he must have won from Cruela de Vil after a gruelling bitchfight, to explain that Teams must now choose to perform either "Strong Hands" or "Strong Stomach". For "Strong Hands", each Team member must head on to a tae-kwon-do dojo (more like a room upstairs of a shop, really) and break three planks with his or her fist. In "Strong Stomach", each team must eat live octopus, while Philo describes as a "Korean delicacy". Roseanne and Dan consider the fact that the restaurant is within walking distance, but Dan suggests that they may have to eat "buttlickers" and Roseanne quickly agrees to "let's break the wood". Cab, et cetera.
The DADT has found the clue too. Like the Barrs, the DADT consider the distance of the restaurant and Chippo decides that they will do the "Strong Stomach". Top Gun, well, has Top Gun ever disagreed with anything Big Chippo says?
There's an octopus cartoon on the sign outside the restaurant, but does that deter the DADT? No. They sit down as the cheerful young lady goes to the back of the restaurant. Chippo and Top Gun are now looking at a bowl of water filled with live octopi. Little do they know that right now, the smiling happy lady is back there chopping up a live octopus for the DADT.
The Barrs walk into the tae-kwon-do dojo.
The Bohunks' cab driver is chanting. I don't know what he's chanting, but I suspect it's probably something to keep him awake while driving. It's hard to stay awake when the Bohunks are talking to you and asking you to go faster, go to the correct place, et cetera. Ugly Hairy says that the station is only half a mile away and asks the cab driver to go, go, go. I swear the cab driver chants only louder in response. "He has no f**king idea where we have to go to," Ugly Hairy says as he slumps back in the seat. Neither do I, Ugly Hairy, neither do I.
The DADT finally realizes that their task is to eat a freshly chopped-up still squirming octopus. Top Gun picks up a bit and puts it in his mouth and tries to chew. He makes a really funny face. He says that the bit in his mouth uses its tentacles to latch on to his teeth, preventing him from chewing on it. He spits out the bit and watches as it crawls out of his plate. Meanwhile, Chippo is making a face that is just a little more handsome than his "Oh! My! GOD!" face. Top Gun asks the Happy Smiling Lady whether he can vomit out the pieces, and I don't think he's trying to be smart. The lady waves both her hands in a rather exaggerated manner, but the message is unmistakable: Top Gun must swallow. Chippo wishes that they don't have to eat that many pieces.
Pow! Dan smashes the first plank on his first try. Roseanne asks whether it hurts. Dan does that Wong Fei Hong pose, which I assume to mean that he crapped his pants the moment his fist connects with wood. I think I better make it clear that it's "wood" in the non-human-anatomy sense. The second one hurts, he says. Then he breaks the third. Woo-hoo! Now it's Roseanne's turn. Dan of course starts telling her where to hit and how much force to use, like he's such an expert, and she of course tells him to shut up. Her first attempt hurts her more than it hurts the plank. Dan says that he knows that she is hurting, but she's going to try and finish this. She says that it hurts and she's close to tears.
Top Gun is gagging. Chippo, not so much. He asks Top Gun to slow down. Top Gun nods obediently as he chokes and coughs. Chippo has an idea to help Top Gun, who obviously doesn't swallow. "Remember our wedding?" he asks. Hubby and I quickly go, "Eeeuw! TMI!" but thankfully, Top Gun and Chippo just say "oyster shooters" together in that cute we-are-married way they do sometimes. Not that we Giggles are expecting these two to say anything worse than oyster shooters. Really! (Oh, shut up!) Chippo then puts the bits of octopus into those small tea cups and Top Gun then drinks the whole thing instead of swallowing. I guess he's more used to things this way. It's working. Top Gun begins guzzling Liquid Octopi like somewhat a pro.
Roseanne is really trying. She doesn't want to eat scary Korean buttlickers after all. Dan says that Roseanne's a tough person who will do what it takes to win. Cue Roseanne not doing too well but she finally breaks two planks. Dan just can't shut up with his unwanted coaching even after Roseanne tells him to shut his pie hole. But when Dan tells her to imagine the plank as his face - "Get pissed off, Kel. That's me, that's my face. Just hit my face. Hit my face!" - and ka-pow! Roseanne marvels that it takes only one try for her to break the final plank! She is so happy, she runs out of the room, almost forgetting to collect the clue from the dojo master. Dan says that she is awesome and he is so proud of her because she really wants to smash his face real bad. Woo-hoo! They must now head to the Pit Stop of this race, the 500-year old Gyeongbokgung Palace. As they get a cab, the camera thoughtfully lingers on Roseanne's bruised and torn knuckles.
The Sideshow Bobs get their clue at the subway station. They decide to break the wood.
Top Gun is cutting his last bit into four small pieces. Chippo take each piece and soak it in water, which Top Gun gulps down. After finishing the four "shooters", they get their clue and call a cab to get them to the palace.
The Bohunks reach the subway station. They decide to go with "Strong Stomach".
Using their experience breaking pieces of styrofoam at the circus I wish I never has the misfortune to attend, the Sideshow Bobs break the wood. Of course, they have to go "Ooh! Yah! Hoo! Wah!" with every move they make, because remember, they are funny clowns, they are also good people, and they want all of you to remember that forever and ever, hoo-yah.
Ugly Hairy hopes that the exotic Korean delicacy is pizza and Budweiser. Seeing how these two are late-thirtysomething losers that speak in "dudes" and "bros" and talk like stoned beach bums all the team, I won't be surprised if "exotic" to the Bohunks mean an extra anchovy in the pizza. Then, Ugly Shorty is going "Oh my God, they're alive" when they stare at the octopi in the bowl of water. Then they hear sounds of chopping, and then they see the plate of yummies placed before them. "Dude, your plate's moving," Ugly Hairy tells Ugly Shorty, in case Ugly Shorty is too stoned to notice. And so they go.
"Is this supposed to be like this?"
"The tentacles still work, bro!"
"One's, like, climbing off my plate!"
"Dude, there's like eyeballs and stuff!"
"Do you want to go karate-chop three boards?"
"You want to?"
It's like watching Silent Bob and Jay, okay, Jay and Jay. Just what do these morons think "exotic" really stand for when it comes to "Strong Stomach" in Korea? I'm starting to believe that they are not joking when they are talking about pizza and Budweiser.
And since wood-chopping doesn't require any brainpower, these guys have no problems with it. "At least we did something right," they tell each other as they leave. They're so winning this thing. This show deserves to be cancelled. And by the way, it's not karate, you two idiot Bohunks. The tae-kwon-do people will not appreciate being confused with the karate people. I understand there's some longstanding feud between those two, or so between the two factions in Singapore anyway.
The Barrs are near the Pit Stop... or are they? They aren't sure. They think they see the Palace. Dan asks the cab driver to follow a route he feels is correct, but the cab driver says they should go another direction. Decisions, decisions.
Meanwhile, the DADT is quite annoyed because, as Top Gun says, this cab driver is a "wimp" because he won't cut anybody else on the road.
Dan finally decides to get out of the cab and run in the direction of the Palace. Roseanne isn't sure about this, and she tells him so vocally as they both get out and run in what they hope is the correct way.
Chippo and Top Gun also decide to get out and run away from their wimpy cab driver.
Roseanne and Dan are in the Palace grounds, but they can't see the Finishing Mat. "This is a maze," Roseanne complains. Dan is sure he knows where to go. "This isn't it!" Roseanne tells him. The show then cuts to Philo standing on the Finishing Mat with the VIP. He looks at the oncoming Team. It's the Barrs. They're Team Number One. Philo gives them a vacation to the Caribbean so that the Caribbean can have a feel of the Barrs' bickering to the music of the blues. Roseanne is happy that she doesn't break her hand for nothing. She tells Philo that they are number one virgins and this is their first time. Millie the Mole, watching from somewhere, throws herself at the TV screen and flings the TV out the window. Dan says that Roseanne has kicked everyone's butts on the race. Roseanne buys that and jumps up and down saying that Dan is so right. I think this is the first time she is happy that he is right. They hug and kiss and all. What a weird couple. I still like them.
Team DADT is number two. They hug. Big Chippo, you're my man.
One of the Sideshow Bobs make his trademark strangling gesture thing at the back of his cab driver. Their cab is stuck in traffic. The other Sideshow Bob is doing some pedalling gesture with his hands. Is he telling the cab driver to go fast? They say they have this bad feeling that they are last. On cue, the scene cuts to the Bohunks are also caught in traffic. Ugly Shorty says he is trying to stay optimistic. I am optimistic in that this team will be hopefully eliminated next week.
Then, hey, no surprise, the Sideshow Bobs are third. "Phil!" they yell, and then they do the high-five of the evil clowns before the camera mercifully cuts short their mugging and move on to the Bohunks. Who are last but aren't eliminated, as expected, as this is the second of the third non-elimination round of the Race. "No way!" they say. What I say is not repeatable on a website.
Ugly Hairy says that the Bohunks are going to kick everybody's asses and they are going to win this thing. They just won't go away, he promises, and this non-elimination round has given them a shot of adrenaline. They want to win. Second place is no option, he declares. And with that terrifying threat, the show ends.
Next week: Roseanne introduces Dan to her parents in Water World, Top Gun scares a shark, and the Bohunks demonstrate 1001 ways to kill a drowning girl while trying to save her.
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