The Amazing Race 4: Episode 4
Didn't I point this out since the first episode? Didn't I say that Kabung and Kabang of Incontinent Air are pure evil? Well, all those people that say I'm just a mean old broad who hates old people, well, we see it this week, didn't we? Kabung and Kabang are not only useless and whiny, they are hypocritical whiny old twats with Concorde-sized sticks stuck up their asses. Also this week, MillieChuck's stock keeps falling even as the dysfunctional virgin jokes come fast and hard from the editors themselves, DADT manage to maintain their ambivalent villain status, Roseanne Barr redeems herself by being funny, the Cordelias are self-destructing but holding on, almost, and the Hot Mommas are still keeping up good. From Gmünden, Austria to St Remy-de-Provenace, France this week, ten Teams race, bicker, plot, jump queues, get lost, and bicker some more until one Team comes in last and gets eliminated forever.
How's that? Can I take over Philo's job? I will look better in that Marie Antoinette outfit that he is wearing when he did the recap and introduction. He doesn't have the correct boob size - not big enough anyway - and he will look ridiculous with padding. Me, me, Bonghammer! I want to host this show too.
Last week, Father and Freak got the Fast Forward and came in first in Gmünden, along the way several glasses getting smashed in the process. They start exactly twelve hours later - now - at 2:57 am. They're off. The Clue tells them to proceed to the Salzburg Airport and travel to Paris, France 800 miles away. There, they must find their way to the popular race circuit location, Le Mans. They have booked a cab earlier, I guess, as a cab driver calls out their names when they reach the road. Father wants to take the cab to the airport, but Freak insists on taking the train instead to save the money. Father points out that they need to capitalize on their lead and not waste time, but Freak believes that the other teams will all take the train. He believes that bunching will occur anyway, so may as well save money and take the train. Strange - I'd expect Father to be the one that insists on economizing. Anyway, they take the cab to the train station, with Father warning Freak that Freak will be wrong. They learn that the train leaves at 4:52 am. They both stand there and wait for the other Teams to show up and exchange pleasant g'mornings.
At 3:51 am, the Hot Mommas are off. The Dead Horse they're riding on reminds me that they are NFL wives, or rather, "wives of professional athletes". One of these days I may start believing them OH SHUT UP ALREADY. They say that as People Who I Shall Not Mention Anymore, they are used to being pampered and coddled so this is the first time they get to prove that they're independent women capable of taking care of themselves. They make it sound as if they're child brides to professional athletes or something. Dead horse. Dead. Shut up already. I like this team and they're really impressing me with their pacing and cooperation but seriously, see? Dead horse. Okay? Dead. They squeal and rub cheek when they realize where they are heading next. "We're going to France, baby!" Heh. They flag down a cab and heads straight to the airport - bye bye Austria!
At 3:52 am, DADT are off too. They too take a cab straight to Austria. Top Gun says that there is a big danger of the team trying too hard to be righteous and all that they lose focus - oops, watch out for that ego pit, Top Gun!
3:57 am. The Cordelias look happier today. They say they are tired of fighting, and the world mouths a silent thank you to them. They too take a cab to the airport.
Since all three teams of Hot Mommas, DADT, and Cordelias are in a loose alliance or friendship of sorts, I wonder whether they have discussed modes of transport to the airport before this. Hmm.
Still waiting at the train station, Father points out that they are the only Team here. He bets Freak five bucks that the other Teams are right now sitting comfortably in a nice cab on their way to the airport now. He even calls Freak "McScrooge". Freak says that he will not hear a word from his Father when every other Team gets here.
Cut to scene of these two sitting on, in Freak's word, "a ghost train". Freak apologizes to his Father, and Father says in a self-satisfied smirk that sometimes Father is always right. I love it when Father plays passive-aggressive - who says only Mothers do such things to their family?
Meanwhile, the Teams DADT, Hot Mommas, and Cordelias are racing towards the airport.
4:45 am. MillieChuck, still virgins - I'm sure the producers have doctors at hand to verify this every morning - are out of the gates. She says that she pushes him too hard at times. (Stray evil thought: "Chuckles, harder, I want it now!") He says that it's not always a good thing that she's pushing him so hard. (More evil thought: "Millie, please, it's hurting me, you're too big - OH, OH, Mother of Jesus, OWWW!") (And one more: "Chuckles, think of England, damn you!") Horrible yelpings - oh my, it's the hounds of hell coming to drag me down for thinking such evil thoughts! Wait, no, it's the Sideshow Bobs, making some unfunny ruckus as they dash off at 4:47 am into the world that is not ready for these freaks. These two teams decide to team up and head to Munich Airport instead, with Virgin Millie saying that it's a bigger airport and hence there may be more ticket counters there. Yup, size matters to this lady. They will take a cab to the train station and then board a train to Munich.
4:57 am. The Oily Bohunks leave the Pit Stop. They say something boring. They do... something. Like disappearing into the woodworks. Moving on to more interesting teams.
5:00 am. America's Sweetheart Couple the Barrs are still in a bickering mode even as they make their departure. She says she's sick of looking at his ass - I look, and hmm, it's not a very impressive ass, oh well - and he leaving her behind. She wants to give her 50% to the Race, so this time, she's going to make him let her do her 50%. I guess her doing 98% of their talking isn't enough for her. But I must say, their personal confession to the camera is pretty cute, especially how she mocks him, then tilts her head to smile at him. Both of them are a little too much like trashy suburban sorts, and I still can't believe that Roseanne is a model according to the CBS website, but I can believe that these two may be fond of each other.
Team Cordelias, DADT, and Hot Mommas are now queuing up for tickets at a Salzburg Airport ticket counter. The Cordelias discover that the best way is to fly to Frankfurt and then to Paris. They get their tickets. The Hot Mommas tell the ticket counter guy to give them what the Cordelias had. And then DADT step up to the ticket counter to learn that there are no more tickets to that flight. "I can't believe it!" they exclaim.
Meanwhile, the Barrs and the Bohunks have caught up with the Virgin Chuckles Alliance on the train. The Virgin Chuckles are trying to keep their Secret Travel Plan a secret from the Barrs. The train also makes a stop at Salzburg - this is probably the later train that followed the same route of the train Father and Freak took - so Roseanne Barr asks Virgin Millie which airport are they going. Our ever charming Millie blows her off with a snooty "I don't know!" Roseanne tells the camera that Millie doesn't want to have anything to do with the Barrs. She wonders whether it's just her personality or it's just her being super competitive. Try Millie being a bitchy ice queen. It's not as if the Barrs just can't follow the Chuckles Alliance when they disboard anyway, so there's really no point in being rude. Virgin Millie says that they are trying to lose the Barrs - maybe they will all cram inside the toilet and sneak out through the window, who knows? Also notice that the Chuckles Alliance seems to be paying the Bohunks no heed. Talk about two of them being invisible. Finally, the train reaches Salzburg, where the Barrs get off.
Father and Freak are now walking into the Salzburg Airport, and groan when they see DADT, Hot Mommas, and Cordelias there. Freak says that he and his father have lost their lead and he is a big dumbass. "Oh crap," Freak says. Well, take the money you saved in train fare and buy yourself a clue, dweeb. Next time, don't dilly-dally when you're on the show. Trains and buses are never a good idea unless it's required by the clue to take one. Anyway, Father and Freak manages to get a 11:15 am flight to Paris via Zurich.
At 8:45 am, Blonde Cordelia mischievously calls out, "I love you!" to Top Gun DADT as the Cordelias and the Hot Mommas head off to the departure gate to board their plane. Top Gun make a face, but then a limp-wristed guy at the counter, obeying the secret codex that members of that family stick together no matter what, calls out to Top Gun and says that he can help.
Meanwhile, a little reverse chronology here as at 6:04 am, Kabung and Kabang, of the Incontinent Air, finally leave the Pit Stop. They say they are air-traffic controllers, so they don't make mistakes. A friend of mine later told me when we are discussing this show that being born and being ugly are two mistakes Kabung and Kabang made already. He's so mean, I know. Kabung and Kabang meet the Barrs at the Salzburg Airport, where Roseanne eagerly calls them over. She is lying with her cheek on her husband's thighs (it's all innocent, really) but the sight of Kabung and Kabang rejuvenate her right away. Maybe she's also evil. She says that she wants Kabung and Kabang in the same plane as her - now that's a brave notion - because that way, she'll be sure that the Barrs won't be last. In a twisted way, she's making a lot of sense. She says that she wants to beat "Millie the Mole" because the Virgin Millie reminds her of, I quote, "those little cheerleaders that in high school I used to throw spitwads in their hair when they were up there cheering." Suddenly Roseanne seems alright after all, three cheers for Roseanne Barr!
Team DADT, with the help for the friendly ticket guy, manage to catch the same flight as the Hot Mommas and the Cordelias. The 8:45 am flight reaches Frankfurt, and that's when DADT realize to their horror that the friendly ticket counter guy, in his eagerness to help a member of the family in distress, has actually given them business class seats in the transit flight to Paris. According to the rule book of this show, you can only book tickets in economy class. The DADT decide to follow the rule and get off the plane, while the Girl Power Alliance watch on with interest and not too much dismay. Chippo begs an icy Lucy-Liuesque flight attendant to hold the plane while they sort out the ticket problem. "Please, please, please!" he wails, but Lucy Liu cuts him off with an icy no. The plane is leaving without DADT on it. Oh dear.
Still, DADT manage to get a 9:50 am flight from Frankfurt to Paris. Not bad, although Top Gun says he feels really down because DADT is having no luck today in the ticketing department.
The Chuckles Alliance and the invisible Oily Bohunks depart from Munich on a direct flight to Paris at 10:40 am.
Still at the airport, Roseanne tells Kabung/Kabang that she has this feeling that they are really far behind from the other teams. Privately, she is impressed that Kabung and Kabang, or the BFGs as she calls them (Big Fat Guys? Something more vulgar?), made it this far. She's obviously unaware of their powerful demonic telekinetic powers. Kabung/Kabang tells the camera that they may lose in a sprint race, but they will try to use their minds to outwit the others. Maybe he will summon a thunderstorm to thwart the other planes.
Meanwhile, the Girl Power Alliance land at Paris probably around the same time the Chuckles Alliance left Munich. They learn that there's a train to Le Mans at 12:00 pm. As the two Teams go separate ways asking for directions, the Hot Mommas, by serendipity, discover that there is a train that leaves for Le Mans at 11:05 am. They board the train immediately. The Cordelias flirt with guys and go shopping (yes, really). Meanwhile, DADT hops into a cab to get to the train station. Aw, Top Gun is looking so blue. Chippo calls him "honey" - aww, it'll be so sweet if I didn't know that they broke up after the show is over - and Top Gun limply reciprocrates Chippo's high five. Come on, Top Gun, it's still a job well done to skip a plane and still make it this early. The Cordelias ask for directions until they finally stumble onto the train. The DADT soon catch up with the Cordelias on the 12:00 pm train.
The Hot Mommas are now at Le Mars. They run into the racetrack, only to learn that they now have to do a Roadblock. That means only one team member can perform the task. This person must be able to fit into tight places. Monica Hot Momma decides to perform the Roadblock, only to learn that she has to change the four tires of a racecar, get into it with a professional racecar driver beside her, and complete a lap before earning the next Clue. Oh my God, Monica exclaims after she has changed into a jumpsuit, she has never changed a tire in her life. Not she has to change four. She says the tires are heavy. She almost kills a tire with an electric bolt tightener. She gives a small scream as sparks fly off that missed contact of bolt and tightener. Oh dear.
Oh look, the Chuckles Alliance are getting off their plane. Take your time, Chuckles.
Monica has gotten the hang of it, she says, and I go: atta girl! She knows she has to do this quick to maintain the lead they have, and she's really working fast. Then she's off in the car - varoom! - as Sheree stands there and cheers her on: "Team Supremes" - that's what they and every other Team call them - "baby, whee!" Monica wants to wave at her, but she later tells the camera, the car is moving so fast, she thinks her arm will break off at the limb. Their clue tells them to leave the race track through a door, get into one of those marked Special Cars That Viewers Should Do Well To Buy, and drive some 550 miles to Marseilles. They must enter at Port Number Four to find a lighthouse, where their next clue awaits.
The Hot Mommas rightfully points out that this is a rare moment when the Roadblock comes earlier than the Detour. The dynamics of the race will change, they say knowingly.
The Cordelias and the DADT are urging their cabs to overtake each other. So silly. Blonde Cordelia and Chippo square off. Chippo says he feels great pressure to prove himself, while Blonde says she's going to show that women can be strong too. Top Gun grins stupidly, obviously besotted with Blonde the same way as Dan Barr is, and calls her a "daredevil" that he is sure even he can't beat. Chippo makes a great show of gritting his teeth as he drills some power bolts into space - ooh, virile! - and then he's off first, with Blonde close behind. Top Gun and Brunette Cordelias are leaning against the sidebars, waving and cheering like crazy. Chippo gets off the car and announces that this experience is a dream come true for him. Fast cars to men are like limitless credit cards to women.
They take the expressway to Marseilles, not knowing that soon they manage to overtake the Hot Mommas, who for some stupid reason take the longer road there instead.
Oh look, the Barrs and the Incontinent Air are finally here. Roseanne is pretty annoyed, and it's obvious that those two have been bickering during the flight. She saysthat this time, Dan will let her do the next task. She will not take no for an answer! Hee hee hee.
Oh, the Chuckles Alliance at now at Le Mars. Millie the Mole looks on with a constipated expression as Chuckles is enjoying himself manhandling a power bolt tightener way too much. And then he gets into the car and oh, oh, oh! He has claustrophobia! "What kind of person gets claustrophobic sitting in an open race car?" my hubby asks. Chuckles is taking deep breaths. Even claustrophobic, he still couldn't be interesting. "Feeling tight! Hot and tight! Not good timing, I know!" he says. Now we know why they keep postponing that Big Special Moment for twelve years and counting. Chuckles can't bear to get into that tight hot space. He probably will love better to be at the receiving end. Yoo-hoo, DADT, Chuckles need you two!
The Sideshow Bobs, whose job revolves around messing with big oily cannons, have no such prudish squeamishness. Varoomba! Yee-haw! Hello, Marseilles. They're still not funny.
Chuckles say a prayer and then he's calm again. Between he and Millie the Mole's asthma attack, the paramedics and an ambulance better be on the standby on their honeymoon night.
The Cordelias and the DADT are still on the road. Behind, trailing, are the Hot Mommas.
The Oily Bohunks say that the race car thing is "unbelievable." Then they're back to invisible mode.
Father and Freak at the race track. "Intense!"
The Barrs are still bickering as they walk to the entrace of the Le Mars race track. "I'll do it!" Roseanne snaps as they open the envelope to read the Roadblock instructions. Then she's changing her tune altogether. "Change out four tires? This sucks!" she shrieks as she struggles with a tire while Dan watches on, laughing. Kabung/Kabang slowly change into his jumpsuit. Dan laughs and says that Roseanne can easily fit into the tiny compartment of the race car, but he doubts Kabung/Kabang will have it easy. Roseanne is screaming her head off as she takes a leisurely drive along the track. "It's awesome," she says shakily as she staggers out of the car. I think she means it and she'll want to do some more Roadblocks in the future.
It is night when DADT drives up to Port Number Four. They learn from a watchman that the gates will open only at nine tomorrow and DADT can't linger around. The DADT decide to drive away to look for a place to sleep. The Cordelias, just behind, decide to call it a day as well. Meanwhile, the Oily Bohunks, Incontinent Air (don't ask - evil demonic teleportive powers), and Father and Freak drive up later and with no watchman around to shoo them away, they decide to queue up their cars in front of the gates. Trouble, people, will brew in the morning.
Dan Barr says that it is a ten-hour drive. When he drives up, there are already four cars queuing up in line (the Sideshow Bobs and the MillieChuck must have caught up), and he makes fifth. The Hot Mommas, finally, trails in sixth.
It is morning when the Cordelias drive up and gape at the line of cars before the gate. A watchman (the same one as last night's?) comes up to them and inform them that they can't join the queue, they will have to park somewhere else. He points to a spot right there in front of the gate! And what do you know, the Cordelias are all smiles as they zoom past the other outraged teams. Team DADT, coming up next, park their car behind the Cordelias even as Kabung and Kabang charge out of their cars to do some nagging and bitching. Blonde Cordelias say that they are not breaking any rules, they are told to come here by the watchman. One of the Hot Mommas say that it is unfair that the Hot Mommas spend the night in the car while the Cordelias just walk up here like that. Blonde Cordelia walks away, saying she's not getting involved in the conversation. Chippo stands his ground, not budging. Kabung/Kabang, whose Team we know are pious good guys who never jump queues, warns them to check their tires because they will never know when Kabang/Kabang will lay some demon maggot eggs into those tires and cause them to explode, killing the people inside the car. After all, Kabung and Kabang are evil, nasty, hypocritical demons who only feels the rules apply when they are ahead in line.
Finally, Chippo decides that his integrity is worth missing a million dollars for and he and Top Gun move back to the end of the queue. Brunette Cordelia suggests that they do the same in the name of "fair game", but Blonde is obviously a keen student of last season's Crack Whores' "take a cab for a walk" school of logic when it comes to defining "fair play". Meanwhile, having proved his integrity, Chippo is trumpeting it to two unappreciative audience - the Bohunks and Father and Freak. Chippo says that the DADT were here first last night, upon which the Bohunks accuse DADT of having a sense of entitlement. Chippo is outraged that they are all calling on his integrity. Lots of bleeped out profanities here and refuses to shake the hypocritical Father's hand. As he should refuse, because this is the second time the hypocritical Father and Freak are calling DADT on for the very sins they themselves commit without remorse during the first episode.
It's all stupid, isn't it? Firstly, this argument will not be relevant any more once the gates open and the cars all smash the gates down in their mad dash in. Two, who cares about integrity when it's all about the Race? Jeez, Chippo, it's not as if you're here to win friends or find some drinking buddies. The whole argument is just a waste of time and breath.
Look, 9:00 am comes and the gates open, thus ending this show's poor attempt at being a new soap opera. The Cordelias wait for the others to go in. Integrity. Spare me. "I didn't know when I parked up there, the reaction was going to be that crazy," Blonde says. The cars all zoom in, and then it's a free for all as everyone tries to look for the correct lighthouse. I've no idea how they did it, and I don't think they do either, but the Barrs are bickering, bickering, bickering until lo, look, there's the lighthouse ahead of them! Roseanne once more sheepishly admits that Dan may know what he is doing after all. They get the clue, which tells them to drive 93 miles down to a marked parking lot at Gorges Du Blavet.
Meanwhile, the Cordies are asking for directions. The Oily Bohunks, seeing DADT behind them, comment that "Viper and Goose" are riding their coattails again. The giant letters D-E-L-U-S-I-O-N-A-L crash through the roof of the car, killing the Oily Bohunks instantly. Kidding. Anyway, what's up with supposedly straight beach-surf dudes that watch that very gay movie Top Gun again and again? With these two and Chuckles, this show is like the Amazing Closet, although judging from the (lack of) personality of these men, it's probably best that the closet doors stay closed. The gay community has enough problems without having to suffer extreme boredom to boot. The Hot Mommas keep close behind them all.
Oh, the Barrs encounter MillieChuck, both driving in opposite directions! Roseanne decides to pretend to be looking for the lighthouse still. After believing that she has fooled Millie the Mole, she collapses back to her seat and laughs hysterically. She cackles to Dan, "Go straight ahead, baby!" before saying that will be all she will say for today. Hee! Millie, in her car, says that Roseanne is "psychotic". Oh please, bitch. Roseanne will so own your skinny ass in a catfight.
The Bohunks are determined to lose the Cordelias and the DADTs at their tail. They are either really delusional about their sense of direction or they are really uncomfortable about being not invisible for once. After lots of confusing shuffles, misdirections, and all, the Teams are all racing along the road.
Father and Freak, unable to speak French, begin to feel frustrated as they realize they really don't know where to go. The Cordelias also ask for directions, heading straight to the police station when all fails. Since they found the lighthouse last, they are trailing behind. They decide to take the Fast Forward.
DADT is leading now - so much for the Bohunks' delusion of grandeur - until Top Gun spies some... er, bare patch of sand on the roadside and for some reason assumes that that's the car park. They park their car there. Chippo asks Top Gun whether Top Gun is sure of this. They begin walking down the grassy slope. They cross a stream. If they keep going, maybe they'll reach Finland by August.
Father asks Freak, who is driving, if they can make a loop. Freak points out that looping will mean crashing into the bar in the center of the road.
Meanwhile, the Sideshow Bobs, the Oily Bohunks, and the Barrs drive past the abandoned DADT car and park right at the correct parking lot a distance away. They easily find the Road Marker and find the clue. The clue calls for a Detour.
"Ropes" means one will have to rappel down a cliff to get to the clue stand at the bottom. "Slopes" means the Team can walk down to the bottom, an easier but longer detour. Naturally, all three teams choose "ropes". The Bohunks go down without much difficulties, same with the Sideshow Bobs, while the Barrs have a little problem with Roseanne being a little slow and all. Nonetheless, at the bottom, the Bohunks can't find the clue stand. Don't laugh, I'm not joking. Okay, laugh. Between them and DADT now marching towards Finland, I think it's now clear that men should never, ever be in charge of making directions. The Sideshow Bobs, annoyingly alert, finds the clue. The Teams must now hike back to their cars and drive some 150 miles to the old mansion of Chateau des Alpilles, their next Pit Stop. Last Team to arrive will embrace obscurity and ridicule.
The DADT know something is wrong, but they still insist on trampling on ahead.
The MillieChuck and the Hot Mommas park at the correct car park and pick "Ropes".
Chippo suggests finally that they go back. Top Gun tightens his jaw, clenches his fist, and shakes his head stubbornly, but he has to admit that he is wrong no matter what. They go back.
Mille the Mole, waiting impatiently at the bottom, looks up at Chuckles and calls out, "Chuck, what's taking you so long?" Now that's what I call a loaded question.
DADT wonders whether they are lost. Mensa decides not to call.
The Cordelias are now on their way to do their Fast Forward. They will have to find a museum. In the museum, they will find twenty paintings on easels and they will have to take these paintings and arrange them to form a big painting of the Chateau des Alpilles. When they complete this task, they will get their reward and be allowed to head straight to the Pit Stop. Blonde exclaims as they each pick up a painting, "How do we make a picture of something we've never seen before?" Be gentle, people: they're models.
The Hot Mommas hold hands and pray before they rappel down. They're still praying on their way down as they are both scared stiff. But once they reach the ground, they declare that the whole rappeling stunt is so cool.
The Barrs are first on the road, but alas, they get the wrong directions from the locals and drive straight to Never Neverland. Those Frenchies, hmmph!
The Oily Bohunks burst through the bushes! At last! No, wait, they're now back up at the top of the cliff. They finally notice the clue stand down there, and now have to make their way down again. Altogether now, "You are an idiot!"
The Cordelias are getting the hang of the jigsaw puzzle thing. They're almost there. And then they're there.
Kabung and Kabang talk about whales on cliffs as they rappel. Not funny anymore. Next!
"There it is! Obviously." Yes, Chippo, obviously. DADT has found the clue - in more ways than one - at last. As Kabung and Kabang complain about knees and what-nots, DADT rappel down as fast as they can, hoping they can beat at least some other team.
A storm is about to break. A branch snaps from one of the tree by the gates of the Chateau and falls to the ground. Kabung and Kabang must be casting a truly horrible spell on some hapless Team. The Cordelias are the first to make it to the Finishing Mat. Phew.
The MillieChuck and the Clowns hold hands and step on the Finishing Mat - second.
Father and Freak must be somewhere near Nova Scotia by now.
The Hot Mommas run up to the Finishing Mat - fourth.
Dan Barr laments that they have lost half an hour thanks to misdirections by the locals. That is all it takes, he says, as we see DADT steps up fifth and the Bohunks sixth. My jove, how did DADT beat the Bohunks? Oh wait, it must be a long walk down the slopes. Once more time: "You are an idiot!"
Maybe we better send someone to check if Father and Freak's car isn't in the bottom of Loch Ness or something.
The Barrs, in just half an hour, drops from first to seventh. "Heh!" They're not too pleased. Don't worry, the teams are within minutes of each other. Tomorrow will be pretty much free-for-all once more. Kabung and Kabang, one more time, are second to last. Their evil spell works on their former allies, Father and Freak, who, according to their post-show interviews, are sent to a different Gorges Du Blavet at a completely different (and farther) location by the people they ask directions from. They never recovered from this mistake.
In a bizarre "oh, right, we didn't forget you - really!" type of montage, we see those two rappeling even as they blubber in a voice-over how they learn so much of each other and how Father now treats Freak like an equal and Father thinks Freak is a good leader (lead us all to Nova Scotia, yes) and how... um, yeah, they're eliminated. The moral of the day is: don't be a tightass, learn some French, and don't trust evil ugly demons masquerading as air traffic controllers.
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