The Princess Reminded Me Of My Grandmother. She Was Very, Very With It
The Amazing Race 4: Episode 8


It's a plane! Previously, on The Amazing Race, Philo wears a sexy brown shirt, the Whatsisname Hasslehoffy Oily Bohunks are rejected by the goddess Kali as potential sacrifices, MillieChuck enjoys an Indian train ride, DADT and the Barrs bond over moles, and the Cordelias are eliminated. Damn. Five teams remain. Whatever, yadda yadda yadda, on with the show. Credits. Wow, how many takes did DADT need to do that synchronized "jumping slow-mo out of a pool" Speedo shot anyway?

Okay, At The Pit Stop time as the camera focuses on a pleasant evening table chitchat scene of the Teams as they enjoy what little peace they have at a motel in Allepy, India. Top Gun is telling the others about his story with Chippo the Monkey Love Man. It's pretty sweet, really, as he tells how he left the airforce because of his sexuality. He met Chippo five years ago while he was still a pilot, and Chippo helped him "through the whole thing". Apparently Top Gun decides that now that there are only five Teams left, it's best they come out of the closet. And judging from the indifferent and bored looks from most of the other Teams, DADT's gayness must be one of the worst kept secrets ever. Apart from the MillieChuck (more later), most of them look as if they're just waiting for Top Gun to finish his monotonous rambling so that they can do the required clapping, cheering, and "Hooray for gay people!" toasts and then proceed to eat.

Top Gun is actually tearing up as he concludes by saying that he and Chippo married in California and today is their fifth anniversary. Awww, isn't it sweet? As is expected, everybody claps, except for Chuckles the zombie werewolf, who just crosses his arms and looks far from excited. Maybe it's that "religious" thing. Or maybe he's just envious because the closet door opens easily for some while his is padlocked shut and Millie the Mole has thrown away the key. Meanwhile, the Sideshow Bobs say that it's nice that everybody gets to know each other like this.

Then Millie the Mole, probably wishing to divert all this talk of evil gay homo stuff (I'm sure she's not mean enough to be jealous of DADT being at the center of attention), announces that she and Chuckles are heterosexuals dating for twelve years. And, Chuckles, adds proudly, they're virgins! Are you happy now, Sideshow Bobs? And oh, how stupid, MillieChuck. As Dan Barr says incredulously in a voiceover that he can't imagine sitting with a bunch of twenty-five year old virgins, the MillieChuck has just given the Barrs more ammunition for their petty games and namecallings. Roseanne announces that she and Dan are living in sin and Dan, in a parallel to Chuckles, adds that they had sex the first week they met. Or maybe it's the first week on the Race? I'm not too sure, but still, heh heh. Laughter from everybody, except Chuckles is still crossing his arms and looking annoyed that somehow his grand announcement has ended up being fodder for amusement at the table. Or maybe he's just slowly planning his coming-out speech to Millie the Mole. If we're lucky, he'll get it done by 2046. One Oily Bohunk starts talking about how "The Race really isn't about your sexual preference or whether you're a virgin or not a virgin or whether you're a whore in the bedroom. It's really about two people working together and taking advantage of the strengths that they have". It occurred to me that I have heard nothing but clumsy dude humor or clichés coming from the Bohunks. What happened, Bonghammer? Aren't there any more cute and fun guys around for you to put on this show?

Before I totally forget that I'm watching The Amazing Race 4 and not The Virgins And Gays Of Sunset Beach, the show finally kicks off. At 4:02 am, the Oily Bohunks are the first to leave since they came in first twelve hours ago. They read their clue and realize that they must now get to the nearest airport and then get a plane to Kota Kinabalu in the state of Sabah, Malaysia! Oh my, now I'm pleasantly surprised. Nobody told me they are going to terrorize the orangutans in Sabah. Anyway, it's a journey of over 5,000 miles. In a "native village" in Sabah (actually a well-known tourist attraction called the Monsopiad Cultural Village - "native village" my sexy big butt, really), the teams will find their next clue.

It begins to rain quite heavily. At 4:06 am, the Sideshow Bobs are heading towards the airport in a cab. It is a fine day indeed when they say that sometimes it is time to clown around and sometimes they have to be serious and focus on the Race, and this time they are serious. Thank you! I like you two better now. They wonder whether Malaysia is to the "east". Yes it is. It's also to the "west", depending on how you look at it.

4:16 am. "Malaysia, baby!" Roseanne cackles as she reads the clue. She then says something that sounds like Selamat Malaysia, which makes no sense, but maybe I just misheard. I don't have a TiVo after all. They are all evil grins as they urge their cab to overtake the Sideshow Bobs'. It makes sense, in a way: it's 4:00 am, and it's only four hours away until the ticket counters open. It's always best to speed at 4:00 am and then hug the ticket counter with one's arms, preventing anybody from buying tickets first when the counter opens two hours later. I think.

The MillieChucks depart after the Barrs. At 4:17 am, the DADT departs. They ask their cabs to go faster, and it soon becomes evident as to why: DADT soon overtakes the MillieChuck. After all, remember, it's always better to be first in line at the airport, staring at a closed ticket counter. Millie the Mole asks her cab driver to follow DADT - "Follow that car, very quickly!"

The airport the Teams are heading towards is the Cochin International Airport. The Bohunks reach there at around 5:27 am, and they learn that the ticket counters open at 6:30 am. Not ones to idle, they approach an airport staff and learn from the man that they will have to fly to Mumbai and catch a flight to Malaysia using Jet Airways. The man also directs them to the domestic terminal. Dammit, man, the desert, not the domestic terminal! The Barrs, coming in then, see them. "That's the Goats," Roseanne exclaims. "Follow them!" Dan tells her. I love this team. They're so amusing. The Bohunks are also soon joined by the Sideshow Bobs as they all form a queue at the domestic terminal ticket counter.

Team DADT decide to break away from the pack and approach an Air India officer in a room for some private Q&A about flights. The MillieChucks, seeing DADT, decide to stand outside the door to eavesdrop. The Virgin Moley even peeks her head in as Chippo tries to glean information about the best and earliest possible flights to Kota Kinabalu. Top Gun, seeing that bleach-colored ragdoll head peering at the doorway, frowns and approaches the door. In a voiceover, he says that Chippo is working hard at getting Top Secret Information and he doesn't want anybody gaining from Chippo's efforts. Meanwhile, Millie is proudly telling the ever expressionless Chuckles that she can hear every word. Oh, fancy that! I would never imagine that if I stick my head into a private conversation, I too will hear every word. Jaybeesus, Millie, if you want to be sneaky, at least be smart and discreet about it. What a maroon. Top Gun deliberately begins to push the door close. Millie actually looks outraged at being shoved out and she proudly says in a voiceover that she shoves her foot to prevent the door from being fully closed on her face ("My foot just happened to be in the doorway!"). She looks at Chuckles for help, but Chuckles just shakes his head. In a voiceover, Top Gun says he tries to push the door close and Chippo chimes in that he wants the MillieChuck to do their own homework. Back in the room, Chippo says loud enough for her to hear, "Millie, I'm not going to do anything if you keep the door open, so I'll just sit here." In the end, the Air India officer, not wanting an impromptu foot amputation to happen in his office so early in the morning, walks up to Millie, makes a wave-hand thingy gesture, and as she backs away, shuts the door in her face. Heh. Ouch, eh, Moley?

Meanwhile, the fine TAR legacy of line-cutting lives on as a bunch of local Indian guys begin muscling their way to the head of the queue where the Bohunks and the Barrs are waiting for the counter to open. Dan puts on his best "I'm a cornered dog - yap, yap, yap!" face and asks one guy who comes a little too close to stand back or else. Roseanne wisely keeps her distance from the once orderly queue while the Sideshow Bobs are seen shaking their heads in exasperation.

In an amusing turn of events, after wasting time conferencing with the Air India officer, Chippo is finally told to do what the Bohunks, Barrs, and Sideshow Bobs are doing right now: go get tickets at the domestic terminal and then head on to Kota Kinabalu from there. Sometimes, it really doesn't pay to be careful. They leave the room, and the MillieChuck, still standing outside, wonder whether to follow those two or not. Chuckles decide to go try their luck at the domestic terminal - which is, of course, the very direction the DADT is heading and also the very place the earlier teams get their tickets! Isn't this so funny? I am laughing throughout the whole scene. My husband tells me I'm too easily amused sometimes. However, he's still mourning the loss of the Cordelia eye candy factor, so it's not exactly as if he's Mr Objective.

The Barrs, the Bohunks, and the Sideshow Bobs all manage to get tickets to the 8:30 am flight to Mumbai. DADT is now walking around the domestic terminal, looking a little lost. These guys are steady racers and they also take time to study their choices, but damn if the DADTs aren't at the same time one of the most clueless teams ever when it comes to navigation. MillieChuck are also at the domestic terminal, albeit at a different place and direction. Millie is complaining that she has to make all the decisions in the race and she hates it when he gets mad at her because of her mistakes. I suspect Chuckles may make a few decisions if she actually lets him, but hey, that's just me. What do I know? Chuckles tells her that he's not angry at her, but she just continues her self-righteous diatribe, ignoring him as usual. The MillieChucks catch sight of the Sideshow Bobs and the other two teams departing for their flight at the other side of the hallway, so Millie calls out to the clowns to ask for the flight they are taking. The Sideshow Bobs tell them to take the 8:30 am flight to Mumbai, and the MillieChuck eagerly shuffle and shamble towards the counter in question.

Meanwhile, the DADT are having difficulties communicating with the ticket people. They want to buy a ticket from Madras to Kuala Lumpur and then Kota Kinabalu, but they can't seem to find the correct person that will sell the tickets to them. They are now learning firsthand the territorial and cutthroat ethics of the local travel agents - the agents are not willing to offer alternative suggestions to Chippo when their local Air India or Jet Airways fail to meet DADT's requirements. Poor DADT is led around in circles. Then out of the blue appears a travel agent that promises them that he can get them tickets, provided they follow him to the travel agent office an hour from the airport. Top Gun in a voiceover says that if they succeed in getting this Madras-Kuala Lumpur-Kota Kinabalu flight, they'll be ahead of the other Teams. He adds that DADT is doing their own thing and not worrying about other teams. He adds with a small laugh that if this is a mistake, they will be eliminated. Look, Mr Spokesman Of The Stoopids, let me tell you one thing: never ever trust business people at airports. They are the airport equivalents of ambulance chasing lawyers. Why do you think airport cab rental fees and hotel booking fees and costs of food is always ten times higher than anywhere else? And as for following strangers to unknown places, I don't know what to say.

At 8:30 am, we see the other four Teams departing for Mumbai. Bye bye DADT - kiss the ground and cry, you gullible twits.

As expected, DADT arrives at the travel agent an hour or so later to learn that it's still not opened for business, which isn't surprising. In Singapore, nothing is opened earlier than 10:00 am, and I can guess it's the same with Third World Capitalists everywhere, even in India. Apu the Travel Agent tells DADT as he calls whom I presume is his boss on the mobile. Chippo laughs in a small, tight way just like how people going crazy will, and I think it's kinda sexy. He tells Apu that DADT needs the travel agency to be opened now, N-O-W, to which Apu assures him that the DADTs have nothing to worried about. Top Gun turns away and mutters, "This is bulls**t." By the way, Chippo towers over the locals and Top Gun like a gigantic sexy hairy gorilla. I wonder whether he has big feet, and I hate myself for even thinking about Chippo's feet, especially when those two men are right now looking as if they are two popcorn kernels in a bag and they have just seen the stove being heated up.

Oops, commercial break.

Bustling traffic in town as Apu is still on the phone and DADT is looking more and more murderous as precious seconds tick by. Which makes me wonder - how is Api the Boss going to show up soon if he's on the phone with Apu? Is Api talking while he's on the road? "He'll come! He's got to come," Apu tells DADT, which isn't a reassuring answer, come to think of it. Apu is now probably regretting trying to fleece two crazy-looking men, one that towers over him. Then - voila! A cute kinda rotund Monty Python gone Hindi man shows up in a cute motorcycle and proceeds to unlock the metallic sliding doors of the travel agency. I wonder where the staff of the travel agency show up from, because the next thing I know, DADT is in a fully operational and staffed agency staring in frustration as Api tells them that the Madras-Kuala Lumpur-Kota Kinabalu flight is fully booked. Top Gun looks like he wants to faint dead on the floor in anger, while Chippo explains in a voiceover that they made a mostake and they will be eliminated. Cheer up, Chippo. If you're gonna get screwed, at least you guys get screwed in a major way that you can be proud of. I think. It's not as bad as Season Two's the Groanies wasting an entire day and night in a bizarre London transit flight, but it's close.

Meanwhile, the other Teams have landed at Mumbai and each Team proceed to go its own way. The Barrs learn that it's better to travel from Mumbai to Singapore and then to Kota Kinabalu. Independently, the MillieChuck also ends up booking tickets for the same flight. The Oily Bohunks also end up on a flight from Mumbai to Kota Kinabalu via Singapore, but it's a later flight than the Barrs' and the MillieChuck's. Meanwhile, the Sideshow Bobs end up on the flight from Mumbai to Kuala Lumpur to Kota Kinabalu. Both flights travel pretty much the same distance, so I guess it's only a matter of which flight leaving earlier. Oh, and the Singapore Airlines serve better orange juice though and the planes have more leg space compared to Malaysian Airlines, just to let you people know.

At this point, it's almost twenty minutes into the show and we're still knee-deep in Airport Drama. It's true - India will never let you leave, bwahahaha.

Poor DADT is still at Api's Open-On-Demand Travel Agency. Api is suggesting that they fly from Cochin straight to Kuala Lumpur and then Kota Kinabalu instead of passing through Mumbai first. Not aware that they are actually boarding the same flight as the Sideshow Bobs, DADT accepts the offer with heavy heart. Chippo sighs that they're doing their best to make up for their mistake and he just hopes that they are not eliminated. Chippo thanks Api and Apu for "everything", which is very nice of him, and then proceed to leave for the airport for their 12:00 pm flight. Apu goes back to looking for preys at the airport while Api presumably locks up and heads off to his real job, probably hawking pornographic videos of Indian starlets.

The Barrs and the MillieChuck arrive at the Changi International Airport in Singapore at 12:30 am. They learn that the transit flight to Kota Kinabalu leaves at 10:05 am. The Barrs decide to cuddle up on the floor and sleep. I don't know how they can do this without being thrown out of the airport - if I can't even drink in the MRT station, I don't think I'll get away with me and hubby on the floor of the airport - but seeing how all of Singapore is a big groupie when it comes to this show (and proud of it too), I guess the airport authority can be persuaded to look away. Meanwhile, the MillieChuck don't need sleep, it seems, and Millie the Mole brazens it out on her cellphone until she manages to get herself and Chuckles on an earlier flight to Kuala Lumpur, where they will then meet up with their Siamese twins the Sideshow Bobs. At 8:40 am, they are off to Kuala Lumpur.

The Bohunks reach Singapore early in the morning and lean over, bemused, to look at the Barrs as the Barrs slowly come awake. "Do I take good care of you or what, babe? Do I show you the good places?" Dan greets Roseanne, and she chuckles. I like this Team, really. Dan tells the Bohunks that the MillieChuck are probably at an earlier flight, adding that Millie the Mole was "running around like a freaking mental patient last night". How true - Millie the Mole is taking this Race so personally, she is breaking down mentally even as the Race progresses. The MillieChuck is destined for a full-blown meltdown, and I bet it will be spectacular when it happens.

In Kuala Lumpur, Chuckles is muttering not-so-nicely as Millie generally runs ahead of him and ignores his calling her to wait for him. In an uncharacteristic show of real anger, he runs up and grabs her bag, forcing her to stop. "I hated it when you do that!" she complains loudly, suggesting that his forcefully stopping her isn't something new in their relationship. In the cozy room interview, Chuckles say that he's slow and deliberate while Millie is impulsive and always on the run. She says that there are probably no couple more opposite than them, and sniffles as she wipes away at her teary eyes. "Everything that comes with this race, I just hope that marriage is not that," Chuckles adds slowly, and Millie, sitting beside him, sobs audibly now. She says that she wants him to be happy, and her voice trails off as she suggests that maybe he won't be happy with her. Watching them is excruciating, because it becomes very obvious that these two aren't joking. They are very real in their dysfunctional behavior, but somehow, I think they really care for each other. I don't know what or why or how, but somehow Millie and Chuckles just don't know how to compromise with each other. It's either her way or his way, and I guess this is the real problem in their relationship. But hey, it's easy for me to be an armchair shrink. I just feel sorry for them at this point of the interview. How can any couple be this clueless... child-like, even? And am I the only one hearing Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time in my head while watching them? "Sometimes you picture me, I'm walking too far ahead/You're calling to me, I can't hear what you said/And you said, "Go slow", and I fall behind/The second hand unwinds"?

While Millie and Chuckles are walking down the Sepang International Airport, they are delighted to meet the Sideshow Bobs. Both Teams are relieved to see each other because without any gauge as to how far ahead (or behind) they are, they are just glad at least they know that they are not alone in misery. Then in walks the DADT, and the MillieChuck is audibly stunned to see them. She assumes that they have somehow miraculously gotten on a magic early flight and is now lazing at the Pit Stop. I wonder why Teams tend to fear the DADT. Is it because of Top Gun? DADT is physically fit, but their navigation skills are pathetic. Chippo, on the end, could have wept in joy seeing the other Teams, because now he knows that the DADT is on equal footing with two other teams and they can hope to make the best of their boo-boo at Apu's. All three teams eventually take off to Kota Kinabalu on the same flight, not aware that they are ahead of the Barrs and the Bohunks, the latter two teams taking off just a little later than the first three teams.

Hey, we're in Kota Kinabalu. Lots of scenes straight out of a bad tourism board ad, including a bewildering scene of a lion dance on a pole, bewildering because we're nowhere near the Chinese New Year season yet. The flight from Kuala Lumpur arrives first and everybody dash towards the airport cab rental booth. By the way, while the Racers can't afford to waste time to find out, here's a tip from me: airport cab fares in Malaysia are very expensive. It will be cheaper to book a cab from the airport to the nearest cab stand outside the airport, and from there, take another cab that charges at a more reasonable rate to wherever you wish to go. For example, if I want to go back to my hometown Klang from Kuala Lumpur, the cab from the airport will charge me fifty ringgit. I can easily pay four ringgit instead to go to the Kuala Lumpur Bus Terminal and from there pay thirty ringgit to get to Klang.

Anyway, back to the show. Now the Teams must go to the Monsopiad Cultural Village to "receive a traditional Malaysian greeting" - which is rubbish because the traditional Malaysian greeting is "Hello". What the Teams will receive is actually a greeting in the Kadazandusun language (the Kadazandusun being an indigenous tribe in Borneo) that translates to pretty much good blessings and great tidings. The Sideshow Bobs' cab reach the artificial tourist attraction first, the MillieChucks close behind. Poor DADT - their cab driver drives past the junction and Chippo notices this, thanks to a signboard. He points this out to the cab driver, who then just mumbles an apology and promises to make an U-turn a long distance ahead. Chippo's reaction - "Oh! My! GOD!" - is best summed up by his photogenic expression:

Chippo the Monkey Man

You still think me being unreasonably nasty in calling him my sexy Monkey Man?

Incidentally, I'm amazed that Malaysian cab drivers are suddenly so rule-abiding. The Malaysian cab driver I know will just reverse the car, to hell with road rules, and zoom into the junction. It's not as if the cab is running on meter, so the cab driver won't be getting extra if he takes the DADT to their destination the long way. I guess the DADT is just screwed by a really nice cab driver.

Someone thinks it's funny to start a gong as Millie and the Werewolf gets, er, blessed, for the want of a better word, by the boboizan (Kadazandusun shamaness to you and me). Millie whispers that it is "funny" and that the boboizan's scaring her. One of the Sideshow Bobs shush her, which is nice, because Malaysians actually understand English very well. Millie, of course, doesn't know that, so she wonders aloud whether she's receiving a voodoo curse. She also brings up the fact that she's Christian. Honey, so is the boboizan. Most Kadazandusuns are Christians. The irony is most amusing. If I'm the boboizan, I'll deliberately mention in Kadazandusun that she looks like a drowned rat. Voodoo chant - sheesh. After the ceremony, they receive a clue that directs them to head off to the boat jetty.

The Sideshow Bobs find the ceremony "special" and "excellent". They find it relaxing too. When the ceremony is over, they give the boboizan a little bow. How nice, now be off with you two.

The Barrs and the Bohunks are now arriving at Kota Kinabalu. Cabs, dash, and automobiles, et cetera.

Now the DADT are getting a sprinkling of the chanties. At first they look as if they're going to burst into laughter, but then Top Gun says in a voiceover that the whole ceremony makes him feel as if he's being married to Chippo all over again. Er, Top Gun, you got married in California, I don't think they do the boboizan there. But it's still a sweet remark, one that make me want to support your team a little more than the Barrs at this moment. He adds that the ceremony "gives them strength and energy", whatever that means, and how he has a smile on his face all this time.

The MillieChuck is right now on a mad rampage across the boat jetty. "This boat good? No break down?" Millie calls at the boat driver of their designated vehicle. Oh, Millie, he will understand you if you use proper English. Malaysians do understand English, you know? Oh wait, this is the woman who believes that Malaysians practice voodoo. If she can't get her geography right, I guess I can't fault her for any other blunders. Yes, Millie, boat good. Go sit sit now, hope boat sinks, you cry.

The Bohunks are being blessed. The blessing can't give them any hint of personality still, as of them says in that grating "audiobook reader from hell" way that "the priestess actually kind of reminded me of my grandmother. She was very old, but still very, very with it." The horrifying mangling of dude-speak and stereotypical motivational tripe aside, I'm sure the shamaness will be amused to be called "very old". She looks to be in her fifties at most, and fifty is not "very old" at all.

The Barrs pulls up as the Bohunks are leaving the village. They exchange greetings, and as the Bohunks leave, Roseanne says, "They're here already! Bastards!"

The MillieChuck's boat takes them to a fishing trawler where they discover that they must now do a detour. "Net" will require the team to boat to a nearby fishing platform and use pole nets to catch fifteen fish. Apparently this task requires skill, to which my husband bursts out, "Lies! All lies! What skill do you need to catch stupid fish with a stupid net?" Meanwhile, "trap" will require the team to head off to a lobster boat and haul a heavy lobster trap (the trap looks more like a kelong, as we call it in Malay, to me) out of the sea. You need brute strength for this, obviously. The MillieChuck - or rather, Millie - decides to go for "trap". She tells the boat driver to take them to the lobster traps.

The Sideshow Bobs reach the trawler next and they too decide to choose "trap".

The Barrs are still at the village, and Roseanne says in a voiceover that she finds the ceremony comforting and she's even moved by it, but she's quite embarrassed by Dan's very obvious glancing at his watch. Then again, does anybody expect Dan to appreciate culture? His culture is probably The Simpsons. Then they're off.

DADT reaches the jetty. "Boat jetty? Boat jetty?" Top Gun yells at nobody in particular. Boat jetty says hi back. Nice jetty.

Ola, the MillieChuck is quite shocked when their boat driver drops them off at the "net" location instead of the "trap". I told you, Millie, you should be nicer to people or they will deliberately take you to the wrong place. You're lucky the guy didn't take you and Chuckles right up to Basilan to meet the Abu Sayyaf. Still, what the heck, they proceed to molest the fish. Poor fish. The fish begin fleeing in terror.

"Ugh! One - two - three! Ugh!" The Sideshow Bobs are straining and aiming for hernia gigantus as they try to pull up the lobster trap. Hey, nice sexy arms you two have. How come I never notice them before?

The DADT read the clue and unanimously, in unison, say "Lobsters!" to their driver. Cute. Sometimes I really believe that maybe they are married after all, contrary to the break-up rumors and "Top Gun is an opportunist famewhore!" rumors around the World Wide Web.

Now Millie decides to dive straight into the pond, maybe hoping that the fish will all jump up right into their buckets in terror. It's a nice plan that may work on fish in Walt Disney cartoons, but real life fish are a little bit more dumb than that. Between her and Chuckles, they manage to catch four fish. Millie then proceeds to spread her legs - "What is she doing with that fishing pole net?" hubby screams in horror - and straddles the pail. Not surprisingly, one of the fish in the bucket jump back into the pond. "Shoot!" Millie curses. That will teach her not to - what? Sit on the pail to stop the fish from escaping? I don't know. But anyway, that's a smart fish. I hope it isn't too traumatized by the view.

Ugh! Ugh! Yeah! The Sideshow Bobs finally lift up the lobster trap to retrieve the clue within the trap. "I have no energy left," one of them pants as the clue tells them to now take the boat and head off to the Manukan Island.

The DADT is also taken to the "net" place. Never mind, they jump back onto the boat and ask to be taken to the "trap" place.

Millie is now making noise because she can't seem to get the fish caught in the net to get into the bucket.

DADT go, "One, two, three, ugh!" Funny how these guys all sound alike when they pull at lobster traps.

Millie now has a brilliant idea of pouring some of the water in her bucket back into the pond. Why? I don't know. But she tips the bucket over, and another fish flees for dear life. Chuckles cry out her name in frustration and we Giggles burst into laughter as Millie stammers and stutters as Chuckles glowers at her. They are now down to seven fish, eight more to go. Chuckles asks Millie to stop stabbing that pole net into the water, to which she responds by saying that it's his fault for not draining water from their buckets in the first place. Hubby mutters that he takes back what he said about this Detour requiring no skills. "It requires brains," he says.

DADT gets the clue. Woo-hoo!

Now the MillieChuck are arguing over who gets the privilege to count the fish. Each wants the other do it. Oh, just count already. Onetwothreefourstupidfishies, see, it's not that hard. Chuckles is still in the pond and he watches warily as Millie decides to lift the bucket and move it to another spot for counting. He calls out to her not to drop the bucket and - splash! Millie is down! The fishies are free! "This is a nightmare," Millie moans. No, Millie, this is grand, bwahahahaha! Meanwhile, Chuckles really looks as if he's ready to move from stage two to stage three werewolf.

The Sideshow Bobs and the DADT are close as their boats approach Manukan Island.

Finally, wet and miserable, the MillieChuck finally get the required fifteen fish. They stomp clumsily towards their boat. This Team, I tell you - they want so badly to win, they are losing the focus and energy that they need to win this Race in the first place. If they do go out, it'll be a mercy elimination. These two are really close to breaking point.

The Sideshow Bobs reach the clue stand on the beach of Manukan first. They must now elect a team member to perform a Roadblock. In a stunt borrowed from Survivor Amazon, this racer must hit targets using three different "traditional Malaysian weapons" - spear, arrow, and blowpipe. Er, Bonghammer, traditional Malaysian weapons have been "press censorship, political corruption, and racial discrimination", but that's just the disgruntled left-winger Malaysian in me speaking, so never mind. The Sideshow Bob finds the first task, shooting an arrow into a log target, very difficult.

The DADT is next. Top Gun, ex-Army guy who probably knows how to aim a weapon, asks Chippo if Chippo wants to do it. Top Gun, you are such a wimp. Chippo sighs and says he'll do it. Chippo? You're one hairy hunka-wunka simian hot sexy eye candy. The MillieChuck is next. "You do it!" Millie tells Chuckles.

So now we have Chippo, Bob, and Chuckles all showing blanks at their targets.

Remember the Bohunks and the Barrs? They're now at the jetty. Roseanne tells her boat driver to "go as fast as you can go, buddy".

Limp encouragements from non-participating Racers are now being thrown about at the beach of Manukan. Top Gun is telling Chippo that Chippo is getting close. Millie is telling Chuckles not to let the others get to him as she rubs his tummy. Then thunk! The Sideshow Bob just barely hits the target, and then he's off to blow the blowpipe. Millie is still calling encouragements to Chuckles, who is actually pulling back the string of the bow like maybe an inch back before kerploinking the arrow limply into the grass a short distance from his feet. It's a pathetic sight, and Chuckles is looking more and more like he's passing eight stage and heading on towards ninth stage werewolf. Then Chippo scores a hit and he too is off to blow. Very nasty hubby says that Chippo will have no problems with this one.

The Sideshow Bob manages to sink a dart into the watermelon target. On to the spears.

"Ugh!" Chuckles say as an arrow limply flops onto the grass. "I have no idea what I am doing!" Neither do I, but whatever it is you're doing, Chuckles, it's just tragic. "Come on Chuck, get it," he tells himself. Forget "tragic", this is a state of sadness that is beyond description. Millie, meanwhile, is also working herself into overdrive as she says in a voiceover how she is worrying over every arrow that misses the target. "I was so scared he was going to get in that downward spiral, and not be able to perform," she says. I'm too weary after seeing Chuckles' impotent archery to jump onto Millie's inadvertent double entendre.

Bohunks choose "net", Barrs choose "trap" (Roseanne: "You wanna do traps or lobsters?"). Yes, Dan must be crazy to expect Roseanne to help him pull up that thing.

Sideshow Bob is trying to hit the target using the spear, while Chippo blows and blows. "Aw, that's good," Top Gun murmurs. Stop sniggering, people. Back at the MillieChuck, Chuckles is now complaining that the bow is crooked. Isn't a bow supposed to be crooked? Millie looks as if she's going to turn into the Hulk anytime soon.

Dan tells Roseanne to hurry up and help him lift the lobster trap.

Meanwhile, the Bohunks are getting busy catching small, cute fishies to wacky music in the background. This wacky music is important because as we soon see, the Bohunks are making a mistake. After catching fifteen fish, the Bohunks approach the guy supervising this detour - a rotund Chinese man - who then tells them that they are actually catching the wrong fish. The actual fish is in that pond over there, right there by the yellow and red flag. Duh doesn't cover this blunder. Now the Bohunks are dashing towards the correct pond. They yammer something about making a mistake, and they still don't make their blunder funny or enjoyable for me to watch. These two are just painfully bland and dull.

Chuckles... never mind. Let's move on.

"This is heavy!" Roseanne gasps as she tries to pull along with Dan on the trap. The Bohunks are told that they need five more fish. Roseanne says that her greatest fear on this Race is to let Dan down. Someone pass her some Big Macs. She will need the carbohydrates to help Dan in this one.

The Sideshow Bob misses the target by a hairline. He curses himself, saying he's an idiot if he blunders some more and lets the others catch up with him. His buddy asks him to calm down and take his time. Chippo manages to blow right on target, and soon he too is beside the Sideshow Bob and going at the spears. Chuckles looks as surprised as everyone else when his arrow finally strikes home, and then Millie is dragging him to the blowpipes.

Chippo's spear is strong and his aim is true, so he and Top Gun are off - first! The Pit Stop is just a walk down the beach! First! No, wait, they just have to get disoriented and crashes into a family having a picnic nearby. Tsk, tsk, oh those guys. The Sideshow Bobs complete the Roadblock soon after, and unlike the DADT, they have no problem running down the correct direction. The DADT, catching sight of them, says "That's no fair!" (heh) as they dash after the clowns. Chippo even asks rather pathetically for the clowns to stop and let them all be first together. Oh, Chippo, is winning a cruise that important to you? The Sideshow Bobs oblige, but Philo, warned by the producers of the consequences of giving two - or worse, three - cruises in an episode, calls the Sideshow Bobs team number and the DADT team number two. DADT give a half-hearted cheer as the Sideshow Bobs win another stupid cruise.

Chuckles is good at blowing. ("Not surprised," says evil hubby.) Now on to the spears. I wonder if Chuckles is good at handling spears. He's not. He complains that too many spears are draining him emotionally and he's feeling embarrassed by his ineptness. As he should be.

The Bohunks finish their Detour and are now speeding towards Manukan. The Barrs, however, have problems with the lobster trap. Looking at Roseanne's rail-thin body, I'm not surprised there. Roseanne gasps that she cannot pull anymore. Dan says he's got it, she can let go, and so she does. Dan immediately starts to lose his hold. Roseanne tries to catch the rope, but she's too late. The trap sinks back down into the ocean. Is this where I go, "Nya, nya, nya"? Dan begins swearing - lots of beeped words here - as Roseanne starts apologizing profusely. Feeling that there is no other choice, they decide to rush and do the "net" instead.

"It has to stick in, Chuck!" That's Millie telling Chuckles on the finer points of spear-throwing. Let's just leave it at that and move on to more functional teams.

Roseanne shrieks that it is not fair that a fish dare to jump back out of her bucket into the pond. She then decides to do what her archnemesis Millie did (she'll be happy to learn that she and Millie share the same ideas) - squat over the pail and sit on it. Dan, looking at her, is not amused. "I need you to help. I mean, farting on the fish is not helping too much." Well, it can drive the fish into a coma and they won't jump out, I guess.

The Bohunks are at the beach now. They yell out "Rock and roll". See what I mean about sad dudespeaks? These men may think they're cool, but they're up there with pleisosaur fossils when it comes to redefining "geriartric". Then they waste time standing there and reading aloud the Clue. Dudes, you're reading something I've heard three times already... I mean, sure, take your time and read the Clue aloud. Can you repeat that paragraph again? Thanks. And while you're at it, want some pot? It'll relax you a bit and stop you from speaking for the next few hours.

Millie is telling Chuckles not to be disturbed by the Bohunks catching up with them. Then Chuckles, perked up by the presence of the Bohunks (it must be pheromones), sees his spear flying straight and accurate - kazoing - straight into the target. Millie and Chuckles then dash straight for the Pit Stop, where they are team number three. Millie wants a hug, but Chuckles recoil, and they settle for a hand clasp, until Chuckles finally sighs ang hugs her awkwardly. It's like watching a divorce in the making. The sad thing, these two aren't even married yet. Alright, you two, tonight at Pit Stop? I recommend Hot! Angry! Sex. That's right - you two go get a room and shag each other long and hard until you can both lay back and look at each other and smile once more. It'll be therapeutic, trust me. Feel free to reenact some dirty X-rated Mary and the Lamb role-playing games while you're at it.

"If you get just a little bit higher, you're gonna hit it. Overshoot it." Practical advice from one Bohunk to the other, as evident from the arrow hitting home. Now on with the blowdarts.

Roseanne is now telling Dan as they ride towards Manukan that at least they have a "great ending". Dan is not amused. He is now banking on this leg of the race being a non-elimination round.

Bohunk is now blowing. "You need to come over the top like a football," his buddy thoughtfully calls out. Strike home. Now spears. The Bohunk says in a voiceover, "I had him telling me the whole time, 'A little more trajectory, come overhead, get a little stride run and jump,' and I'm like 'shut up!'" And you know what? They're still not funny. Just go away, please just go away.

As Roseanne starts on her Roadblock, the Bohunks finish fourth on the Pit Stop, where the Bohunks learn from the VIP how to pronounce "Kota Kinabalu" properly. Still boring, still must go away. And they're ugly too.

Dan is amazing. His advice to Roseanne as she does the archery? "Be the arrow." She asks him to get out of her face before missing the target. "Okay. Be the bow!" he says. She mutters to whichever demon deity she worships to let her hit the target so that he will shut up. He hears that and starts yelling at her to make him shut up. Lucky him she doesn't turn to him and take aim at his bollocks, as she actually hits the target with her next arrow. Dan yells dramatically and collapses onto the sand. The blowpipe? "Stick that thing in your mouth and just start blowing it!" he tells her. I'm not even going to touch that one. She gets it, and they both laugh and yell nonsense as they run to do the spear. And she gets it! Both of them begin running to the Pit Stop. I love how they cannibalize each other when the going is tough but they are all whoopee-happy cakes when they're feeling sunny and good with each other.

Philo tries to look sad, but who is he kidding? This is the non-elimination round, as Dan guessed correctly earlier and he tells Philo so. Roseanne is relieved that they're still in the game, but she also half-wishes that they are eliminated so that she can "wipe the smirk" off Dan's face. She goes high-five, Philo, and then, "High-five, little lady!" to the VIP. That is so cute! I'm so glad they are not eliminated, to be honest. They're mean and evil, and they are so fun to watch. Give me the Barrs or maybe DADT, as long as the boring other male teams don't win!

The show closes with a montage of the Racers evaluating each other's chances on the Race. Dan promises that the Barrs will be around to the bitter finish. Please do. One of the Sideshow Bobs says that it's going to be an all-out race. Like it isn't before? Chuckles notes that DADT is a competitive team. Yeah, if they can get their navigational skills in order. DADT notes that the MillieChuck's halos have been dented. Huh? One of the Bohunks says that it will be every team for themselves the next Race. Again, like, well, isn't this always the case? Oh, and please go away. Roseanne concludes by saying that the other teams may think the Barrs are at an disadvantage because of their coming in last, but they'll come back on top in the end. I love how the Barrs come off as the most menacing of the whole sorry lot.


My Favorite Pages

Search for more rubbish:

My Guestbook Return to Idiot Box Chatter Email