The Amazing Race 3: Episode 3
The Zoolander Twins are dead. Long live the Zoolander Twins!
I have no way to describe this week's spectacular, humongous episode except by shouting, "Hell, yeah!" and punch my fist into the air. What a fantastic episode. The Twins - the Twins, people! - prove that they may just be the ultimate studsville, while the rest of the team - most notably Team Friends, now renamed Team Two Headed Hydra - try so hard to bring them down only to fall flat on their petty, smug faces. The Tubby Sibs shine bright as always, and even bonding with the Twins, and surprise, the Crack Whores are actually okay in this episode. This, people, is The Amazing Race 3, and I want a Riker twin sandwich.
The episode starts with Philo Koughie displaying his newly aerobicized body, displayed to full advantage in a body-hugging white denim shirt. It must be a rather cold day when they were filming. You sexy, weather-beaten hot stud you.
The Twins start the race first, since they won the Fast Foward and came in first in the last episode. They open the clue, and realize that they must somehow get to London and seek out Cambridge. A clue awaits in front of a store called Studs-R-Us-And-More. Wait, I misheard, it's actually Scudamore. Damn. I better cancel those plane tickets now.
"We think alike!" Dumber Zoolander - or is it Dumberer Zoolander? - says gleefully. Yeah boys, alike in dimness and putziness.
The Two Headed Hydra announces that they are, like, wow, the leaders now and they just want to gun down the twins. Eat scum, dumbass.
Team Long Distance is now renamed One Hunk And A Dead Weight. The Dead Weight woman laments that she has no time to romance the Hunk. Well, Dead Weight, see this show? It's called The Amazing Race 3. That's right. The word bachelor is spelled B-A-C-H-E-L-O-R. Next time, learn to spell before you end up in the wrong show and make a fool out of your no-use sorry whiny hopeless ass. Get out of my sight, fool, before I change my name from Mrs G to Mrs T and go medieval on your sorry ass face.
Team Tool. She is thinking that Mr Tool is the long term type. Well, syphilis is long term too.
The teams in the lead dash to the airport to catch a plane to New Mexico. From there, everyone must find a plane somehow to London. The Two Headed Hydra plot with the Crack Whores, Hunk and Dead Weight, and the Tools - the Alliance of Dorks, as I called them last episode (but I'm seriously considering replacing dorks with dogs, but I love dogs and I don't want to insult poor poochies of the world) - to thwart the twins.
Bunching seems to occur at the airport, but too bad. The Twins smartly get a confirmed flight to both New Mexico and London via Miami, and they're off first, on the 7:00 am flight. Those modelling trips must come in handy here. Meanwhile, the AoD stumble in their delusional brilliance, because they realize the shocking truth - at this early peak hour, no airline has enough space for four couples. Hubby and I give a nasty laugh at the sight of the AoD stumped and hoisted on their own petard.
Finally, Crack Whores and Tools decide to break apart and do their own thing. They will spend more time to book tickets directly all the way to London. Hunk and Dead Weight and the Two Headed Hydra decide to forge on to New Mexico and then worry about getting tickets to London later.
Hunk of Hunk and Dead Weight calls the teams that break apart from them "chicken brains", and he is relieved to be rid of them. I stare at Dead Weight, back at him, and shake my head. If his Dead Weight is half the women the Crack Whores are, he'll be first by now. Men.
While the AoD are bickering, the Tubby Sibs slip past and get the next flight out. Yay!
The look on AoD's faces? So bloody priceless, I'm cancelling my Amex. Wait, I don't have an Amex card. Bah.
When John Vito slip past them, followed by Team MIA?
It's a party at our place as hubby and I scream in joy and hop around like two silly old fools accidentally overdosed on helium.
Man oh man, I love this show. It's restoring my faith in humanity.
On the second plane, only Tubby Sibs have a confirmed ticket to London. The oversight on the other two teams' part will cost them good, as we shall soon see.
Meanwhile, Mr Two Headed Hydra is still going on and on about how he wants to see the Twins loose. Seriously, I swear he is going to watch himself on TV and then kill himself in shame when he realize what a sexually frustrated ugly stereotypical bitch gay guy he is coming across as. Petty doesn't cover this fool, try "vainglorious and absolutely deluded megalomaniac".
Meanwhile, the really lagging teams make noise. Token say they want to win. Yeah, me too. Now shut up and lose. Dad and Nelly are stuck when they can't get any tickets - not one, long after Token leaves them behind and longer after Nelly has to pretend to have a sick mommy just to wrangle two seats from the reluctant airlines. ("I'm so proud," Daddy says of his lying son. Yeah, we know.) Nelly reveals that he is a cheerleader and he will never give up. Watching these two is like dying from slow terminal cancer - I just want everything to end right now. Finally, they get their seats - almost a day behind the other teams. They decide to get the Fast Forward of this leg of the race. Frankly, I'd suggest they get a Concorde, but hey, don't mind me.
Anyway, New Mexico City. The teams with no tickets to go on, Two Headed Hydra and the rest, are stuck with ticketing problems again. Hah! Finally they get a business class seat, upon which the male Hydra make a face. "Business class!" Yeah, what does he know about business classes? He's more of the ugly, evil clown class. He think he's funny but he wonders why everybody kicks him in the balls when he cracks what he believes to be a funny. Fool.
Why are the Twins so slow? I admire their Zen-like calm, but damn it, they are so slow that they let all the leading teams catch up with them! From London, it's a close call as everybody races for the train to Cambridge. Finally, they found the clue at Studsmore or whatever the name of place is. The Twins are first to find the clue, and the clue says: "Detour".
It's "punt" or "bike", and no, I don't think that's gay bar talk (I've never been in a gay bar though, so what do I know?) for things you do with cigarettes or big hairy smelly bikers. Teams either take a punt and row down the River Cam to find the clue under a bridge, or they bike around Cambridge to get to the bridge. Punting takes you only a mile, while biking is a six mile ordeal.
The Twins have no problem punting, despite some minor bickerings that are actually adorable than cringeworthy. I'm shocked at actually how proficient they are in this detour. They easily find the next clue: catch a charter bus for a 300 mile trip to Aberdeen, Scotland.
The Tubby Sibs? Oh my oh, they are surely the funniest men alive! Somebody give these two a sitcom, please, and have the Twins play their neighbors or something. Not only are their attempts to punt hilarious, both brothers fall into the river at least once. The crowd on the banks and on the bridge cheer, and the brothers take a bow. Blooming marvelous! I'm in love with the both of them. They can join the Twins and be my personal Naked Chefs in the kitchen. "Get your fat ass up!" Hee.
AoD struggle and succeed in getting their clues, ending up somewhere in the middle. Dead Weight is just not helping - as usual - and whines at her Hunk. Jesus, Hunk, ditch that whinebag, please, for the love of whatever god or science you believe in. Mrs Tool scream at Mr Tool, "You always seem to forget about me!", for leaving her standing at the punt. This, people, is the guy she wants to go long term with. This, people, is how Season Two's Demidemons, the Tarable and the Wail, started out when they first met. (Although Mr Tool can only wish he has those sexy eyelashes and gorgeous facial bones of the Demonlord Wail.) Crack Whores crash into every other punt, it seems, giving me an insight on these women's Christmas parties.
But bunching occurs eventually - the first charter bus leaves at 7:30pm, giving the Twins plenty of time to boff off their shirts for the now obligatory Shirtless Meat Scene and sunbathe. The Sibs catch up, and they seem to call themselves "The Outsiders". Not very imaginative, I would prefer "Tweedeledum, Tweedledee, And The Dimbulbs" myself, but hey, they are so cool together. In fact, the Sibs acknowledge that the Twins may just prove the sneering AoDs wrong - the Twins are strong, handsome, et cetera. I think someone's in love with the Twins. Join the crowd, dude, and stand at the back of the line. I'm first.
The AoDs arrive like a hoard of slobbering living dead out of a cheap B-grade horror movie. "This is going to be a long ride," one of the Twins say, and I shock myself by laughing out loud at that. I'm turning into a Zoolander fangirl. Yeep. Now where can I get me some Riker Twin pillows?
On the bus, the female Two Headed Hydra is going on and on about overtaking the Twins and how the Twins are just pretty faces and straight teeth and nothing more. Uhm, Hydra, or should I say Avril Lavigne After A Car Crash, yes, you and your fax-alternative Mallrat Betty looks are so representative of the goth and disenfranchised, oh yes. We have already one Jeaneane Garofalo, so shut the heck up and suck your own heel, Hydra, just SHUT UP.
Straggling behind like the Losers Parade they are are John Vito, Token, MIA, and far, far behind some more, Dad and Nelly. I'm surprised at John Vito's falling behind so drastically - did they encounter some transit problems they didn't show us on TV? My husband suspects that maybe that "shifty Vin Diesel guy" had a few rolls of cannabis hidden up his bunghole or in his girlie's bra. Hmmm, I look at John Vito, and I go, hmmm.
It is night when John Vito and girlie finally get punting. Whoa, baby, look at his biceps and... woah. Between he, the Twins, and Mr Hunk, I'm swimming in testosteroney here, and damn if I'm not having a swimmingly lovely time. Let me drown, people, don't throw me a lifeguard unless it's a naked Hugh Jackman. John Vito finishes their thing at 9:50pm. Shucks. Can they catch the 10:00pm (second) bus, after the 7:30 bus?
Yes, they can. Sorry, I can't do dramatic.
Meanwhile, Token is struggling with the punt, and both husband and wife are bitching at each other. I look at hubby, he looks at me, and we vow never to go punting together unless it's someone else doing the punting.
Team MIA and Team Token finishup roughly around the same time. They're off, in the 1:30 am bus. Vrooom.
Morning. Daddy and Nelly finally arrives in London at 9:15 am. The band waiting at the airport kicks into full gear as they play "God Save The Queen" modified into "God Save You Losers, Now Go Home, Twats!" Nah, I made the band thing up.
Bear in mind that at this time, the other teams are probably marching towards the really last leg of the race. The Fast Foward has better come with those astral projection travel things.
Anyway, back to the other teams. The first bus reaches Aberdeen, and now the teams scurry to find cabs that will take them to Stonehaven. The male Two Headed Hydra calls the Twins "cocky". Yeah, he would only wish the Twins were cocky, that bitter hag. What did the Twins do to you, you hag?
The Twins are so good-natured and calm and sporting about it all, even when sometimes they seem to be on the verge of tears, I swear, I take back everything mean I said earlier about you two. Can you forgive me, Twins Zoolander? Maybe you can start by spanking me or something. We can think of other ways to make me repent as we go along.
Uh, yeah, the Race. Moving along now.
The Twins are leading, followed by the Sibs. AoD's cabs cut them, and as they hoot at the Twins, the Twins wave back even as they smile self-effacingly and gently asks the cab driver to keep up with the guys. These guys are coming off like superheroes, I tell you. Even my husband is moved, and we will name our brand new bullmastiff puppies Derek and Drew. (But we change our minds later because we don't want our brotherly puppies to pose naked in some incestuous twin pose like guess-who did. It's not healthy, because dogs are sensitive like that, you know. But if that's any consolation, the Naked Twins In Almost Full Frontal Nudity Picture is now my new computer wallpaper. My husband has his own computer, and he sprays disinfectant on my computer whenever he sees that wallpaper and crosses himself. No, he's not Christian.)
Then something happens. All the cabs go separate ways.
A full ten second silence in the Giggles' household, and then, crazy hilarity breaks out. Since we started watching this show, neighbors must think that the crazy old couple must have finally lost it. The Hydras and the Crack Whores go one way, the Twins and the Sibs the other, while Hunk and Dead Weight trundle along right down the road to hell, or rather, they become hopelessly lost. ("I told you, never trust female cab drivers!" says my know-it-all husband.)
How nice, how poetic justice it is that the Twins and the Sibs end up first at the next stop - a farm outside Stonehaven. It's a road block. One member of each team can only perform a road block. This road block has each member doing three Highland games: Caber Toss, hammer throw, and short putt.
We look at each other again, hubby and I, and say in unison, "The Crack Whores and the Tokens are so screwed."
The Twins finish everything without breaking a sweat.
"Ah!" hubby squeals in shock.
"Ack!" I gurgled, clutching my hubby's hand.
"Hero!" we both cheer.
The Sibs are having a tough time, but they pull off fine.
Crack Whores and the Two Headed Hydras struggle like hell. Poetic justice, thy name is Jerry Bonghammer. And the fact that Hunk and Dead Weight are somewhere out there, completely lost, only sweeten the whole collapse of the AoD empire. After a valiant and dramatic display of grotesque ineptness, the AoD limps on like bleached whales towards the finishing point, the Pit Stop, where the last team this leg of the race will be eliminated.
The ground opens and swallows up the Two Headed Hydra. Welcome to Hell - forever, bwahahaha!
Okay, I made that up. Really, I did,
Team Hunk and Dead Weight finally made it. Dead Weight's face is as long as Panama and as dark as a cave. Hunk breezes through the events, and really, ditch that Dead Weight, Hunk, just ditch her and move on, man! Send her sorry ass off to Temptation Island or something.
Whiny Pa Token asks Ma Token to do the road block. The world has never seen this big a mistake since the French's blunder at the Maginot Line during World War 2. Ma Token screws big time, letting MIA catch up with them, and then it's a mad dash to see who can escape elimination.
The Pit Stop is at Dunnotar Castle.
The Twins are first, and this time, they didn't use the Fast Forward. The Sibs are second, and you know what? I see the AoDs panting as they straggle in at third, fourth, whatever, and I tell you, these people are so lame and pathetic, their delusional vanity only making them come off as even more pathetic, if that's possible.
The Twins actually like having the others group together to try to thwart them. They have an Opponent now, and they love a Challenge. High five, boys, you rock! Good job on being first. You give pretty faces everywhere a good name. I'll never be ashamed to lust after a pretty himbo again.
The Tools are third. Whatever.
The Hydras are fourth. Freak off. Freak off and die.
The Crack Whores next. Moving on.
Hunk and Dead Weight sixth.
John Vito seventh. By the way, his gal does the road block, and you know what? She rocks, man. She really rocks! This team is all about the brawn power. Vito's da man!
Token and MIA struggle forth. MIA is eighth. Token is next.
So the team that got eliminated was...
Oh yeah, remember Dad and Nelly? They won the fast forward after Dad proves his machoness by handling a tank under 90 seconds in some War Museum, upon which Nelly gushes over his father. The sound you hear are fingers quickly moving over keyboards as too many bad Daddy-son incest gay porn are right now being written by people who really should know better, inspired by this grotesque duo. They get a limo, where they both struggle over a bottle of wine - and yes, it really does look obscene to the eyes - and Nelly raps. He freaking raps, again proving that sometimes, White Guys really shouldn't try rapping unless their name is Marshall Mathers. That rap alone is a big sin worthy of their elimination.
Yup, they are eliminated, even with the fast forward. What do you expect when they are almost a day behind the last of the remaining teams? The limo is just a pity send-off gift, and that's it. Bye!
"Andrew, buddy, you know I love you. I'm so glad you came to me that one night and said, 'Dad, we gotta do this Race.' And we've done it. We've made the Race. The next time you go on adventures, remember your daddy... *degenerates into incoherent babbles*" That's Daddy.
And the world quakes in fear in anticipation of all those really bad Daddy porn that will infect the usenet lists in the upcoming days.
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