The Amazing Race 3: Episode 6
A week without The Amazing Race is like one week without root beer. Life just isn't the same. If The Bachelor causes the next season of TAR to be canned, I'm going to take part as the lead Bachelorette and then all of you will never dare turn on the TV screen again. You've been warned. Watch TAR.
This week, the Hydras get the boot. Finally, it's about time. Then why the heck am I not rejoicing? Here's why - the Tokens. Why the heck did I hate Hydra when I should be saving my bile for these two obnoxiously loud morons? How did they slip under my radar like that? The Hydras are nothing compared to the Tokens. Flo of the Tools are just a bad Minnie Driver lookalike compared to Herr Mr Token's verbally abusing his wife, and Aasshat Aaron is a wimp compared to Mrs Token's passive aggressive scratching back. Watching these two old coots make hubby and I cringe, it probably make us both consciously trying to be more nice around each other. Thank you, Tokens, now please, go home and fight in the privacy of your homes, and leave us all be, love and kisses, people on earth with eardrums and blood pressure, and yeah, we feel sorry for your kids who are watching you two on TV.
The show starts with our always adorable Travel Channel refugee Philo Koughie telling us where we are, blah blah. He's wearing a nice pale blue shirt that hides those manboobs that sired Godzilla. What a sexy guy. He and Anderson Cooper should hook up sometime.
"Oh, Coopy! You're the best Mole ever, baby!"
"Yeah, Philo, but you're the Amazing Racer, oh yeah! Nothing beats your dirt track."
"Hey guys, I'm a survivor - "
"Shut up, Jeff Proboscis!"
A big ahem.
Two weeks ago, in the previous episode, Team Tubby Sibs was first. So today, at 4:31 am, they start off first. Lack of sleep is noticeably getting to the smaller, scrawnier one (he is moving slower and looks cranky, not that I blame him, me never being a morning person myself), but they keep their spirits high. "We're on top again and really feeling awesome, but we have to stay sharp, because when we're sharp and when we're on it, we do really well!" Er, maybe not, as the Scrawny Sib can't shut the van door hard enough and it opens back once more.
The clue tells them to drive 150 miles down to Casablanca, where they must seek out the Hussan II Mosque, the second largest religious monument in the world. There, the next clue awaits.
Team MIA, the most useless parasites in the world, leaves next. They tell me they're with the pack. Yeah, like tapeworms, sure. Blah blah blah. LA must be such a lovely place with these two people making the streets safe for everybody. Then again, since they're from LA, they're probably aspiring actors. Seeing their clue-solving and direction skills, I shudder in fear when I imagine these people behind a fire truck or a cop car. You poor people in LA, you.
Twin Zoolanders leave next. I miss my sissy hotties, and they still look good to the eyes. Ah. I wonder if these two and John Vito will do a naked photoshoot together. I will definitely buy.
As they run down the stairs like the effeminate sissies that they are ("Aiya, I've seen lil' girls run better than these sorry excuses for manhood" - that's from hubby), Team Tubby Sibs are waiting for them. Team MIA lustily push themselves between the Sibs Alliance. Team Tubby Sibs crack that MIA will probably believe that the Tubbies are waiting for MIA to show the way. They concur that their alliance with the Zoolander Twins are beneficial - why, I don't know, as far as I can see, it's always the Tubby Sibs leading and the Zoolander Twins nodding like dingbats as they obediently trot after the Tubbies - but MIA can't read a map compared to Zoolander who is just a little dim at map reading. The Tubbies are showing their fangs, people, and I think they may be acolytes of the Guido Demons more than I first expected. Cool.
Team Zoolander remarks that they hope they don't lose the Tubbies, because the Tubbies are holding the map. Because we know there's only one map in town, and only the Tubbies can read that map. Dim-witted wimpy studs at one's command - gotta love 'em all.
Team Tool and Team John Vito are tied in the fourth place in the last leg of the race, so they start off together as a loose alliance. Why is everybody in an alliance today? I thought everybody hates everybody else. Apparently now that they've become bored of the Twin Hunt, or maybe because the Hydras who started the whole Twin Hunt nonsense is currently too humiliated to even utter a pipsqueak of sound, Team Tool is trying to gun down the Tokens. All of a sudden, Dear "Am I Just Holding On A Cliff?!!" Florinka whom I cannot stand at all becomes my new best friend. Hey, I want to see the Tokens out, and I don't care how they get out, I just want them out.
The Tokens are the next to leave, and they don't waste any time, do they? The Asshole is already telling the wife off, and Mrs Asshole is snapping back, "Don't berate me." My day is perfect. Now all I need is for them to move next door and my life will be so perfect.
7:04 am. Three hours after the first team left, it's Team Hydra's turn to leave. She has cleaned up and done her hair to look like Modemoiselle Medusa met Marisa Tomei, while he's still a whiny yapping bitch. They say something, but I don't know what, as I've put the mute button on the remote to good use.
John Vito, Tools, and the Token Assholes (tidbit: do you know that Teri and Ian joined together gives "Terian", as in "teri-ian-a-new-one" - tearing Ian a one, geddit? - which is what I'd love to do at the moment) are on the same highway, and Token zooms past them, hoo-lah! Al Pacino, all is forgiven. Come back and kill Ian for me.
John Vito's vehicle goes ka-boom, thanks to a faulty radiator. Oh my poor babies, you have all the worst luck in this game. Tokens and Tools drive on, oblivious to the John Vito left stranded at the back. The camera pans on Jill, John Vito's girlie, who actually looks quite hot in black shades and an outfit I swore Sarah Michelle Gellar wore in Cruel Intentions. She's like white trash commando babe crossed with Elle, and that's pretty cool.
Team Hydra. Shut up.
John Vito finally gets a new vehicle from the TAR folks, but they have lost one hour. Never mind, they're off. Commando babe and her Vin Diesel never let a sissy thing like faulty radiator keep them down.
The first three teams reach the mosque. They start to run, but a warden made them walk. After all, they're in the vincinity of a mosque, after all. They all walk uncomfortably, just like people trying to hold back while queuing up for the washrooms do, because everybody is dying to dash across the courtyard for the clue. All three get to the clue the same time - a true Heal The World moment, surely - and dash off at the same time to the next stop of the race: an oasis called the Palmarie somewhere outside the town of Marrakech. They must take a train to Marrakech.
A train? Please, no bunching, please. The Hydras must die.
Token and the Tools stand-off at the toll booth, where Florinka Whatadelightfulnamekapish makes a cute snark on Ian's floppy hat from hell.
The Tokens are at it again. She is asking him to leave the highway, and he is telling her that it will be her fault if they drive in the wrong way. If I'm Mrs Asshole, at that moment, I'd have taken a can of diesel from the previous episode and pour the whole crap into that pompous, dictatorial assfreakhole's mouth. Remember diesel, asshole? The Tools turn off the highway, making Mr Token Asshole squirm in nervousness and the Asshole Wife to launch into another eye-rolling sigh. Watching these two is like trying to perform eye surgery on oneself using a kitchen fork.
The Tokens finally hire a cab to lead the way.
And now the Tokens decide to take the Fast Forward. Please, goodness, no, no, no!
Oh, Demonlord Wail, if I offer to become your sex slave for a week, can you arrange it such that the Tokens and the Hydras are tied for last place and both get eliminated simultaneously right down to your pit of eternal anguish and pain?
The Tools reach the clue at the mosque, just as the Tokens and their cab show up. Mrs Florinka Toolyme tries to grab the cab, upon which Mr Tool goes ballistic like a crazy cow after too many stabs in the guts by evil matadors. Even the wife is aghast as the asshole yells out loud, "I want him (the cab driver) to stay here!" again and again, to which Florinka Hoochiemamamia shrieks back, "You don't need to yell. It's really rude. I didn't know that was your taxi." There's a hilarious irony in there if I am not cringing from the Asshole's behavior. When his wife tries to ask him to get another cab, he pretty much roars at her, "I want him to stay here. When I make a decision, it's a decision."
It's called "anger management", Ian. Please look it up in the dictionary.
Florinka It's-rude-to-yell-YOU-HEAR-ME-ASSHOLE vows vengeance on the Tokens. I hope she does that with style. She can whine all she wants, as long as she rips the Token Assholes in the end. Then all will be forgiven.
The Tokens must go. I don't need another Tara and Wil, the Golden Years, to ruin my TAR, do you hear me, people? The Tokens must go!
By this time, the first three teams are dashing for the ticket counter at the train station. Lucky them, the train leaves in ten minutes. All three teams are happily on the 9:10 am train, while the Tools dash in only to learn that they missed the 9:10 train by mere minutes. The next train leaves at 11:10 am, give or take Moroccan time (you know how these things are in third world countries). Oh bummer. And oh bummer as look who shows up by Token and John Vito!
The Tools decide to take the Fast Forward.
John Vito decide to take the Fast Forward.
Tokens have decided earlier to take the Fast Forward.
Way, way behind, the Hydras announce their intention of taking the Fast Forward.
Only one team can take the Fast Forward.
The Tools huddle to one corner to discuss the Fast Forward. Mr Tool believes that they can finish this leg of the race without needing the Fast Forward, and they will probably need the Fast Forward at the later, more crucial leg of the race. Florinka Isbananas argues that they must beat the Tokens, they must beat the Tokens, and I foresee that this far-planning woman will be stuck in lower management for a long, long time. She also worries that John Vito will beat them. Mr Tool decides to ask John Vito, and but Mrs FloTool says she will do it. "I'm a better liar than you," she says. I think someone here confuses "whiner" with "liar".
Mrs Token Asshole, "Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!"
Mr Token Asshole, "Don't yell at me. I'm gonna blow."
I so hope your enema kills you, asshole.
Team Hydra is now driving towards the train station. Please don't let them catch up with the other teams.
John Vito tells the camera that he decides to take the fast forward for Jill. They made it this far, he says, because of her - awww, that's so sweet - and he doesn't want to let her down. Awww, that's really sweet. These two people are so sweet, they can open a candy store and sell me their stuff until I get cavities. Why is this adorable team always so unlucky? I hope their fairy godmothers Rob and Brennan, Patron Hunky Lawyers of Bad Traveling Luck, take good care of these two.
Choo choo train! They're on board the 11:10 train.
Team Hydra rushes down the station. Oops.
By now, the first three teams are at Palmarie. There's no change in the hierarchy: the big dogs Tubby Sibs reach there first, followed by their hangers-on Zoolander and MIA. They reach a detour, which they must perform before they learn where they must go next.
This detour requires them to choose a task, either "Now you see it" or - duh - "Now you don't". "Now you see it" is a task where you will ride a horse and trek over to a point nearby, upon which you must proceed to dig around in the ground until you find a plate where the clue is etched at one side. This must be the most expensive clue in this game ever, because every other time it's just silly cardboard envelope and tacky monopoly paper for clues. "Now you don't" allows the teams to use sand bikes, but they must go hunt for the marker on their own. Both options can waste one's time if one is unlucky.
Tubby Sibs go for the horses.
Zoolander and MIA dash for the sand bikes. Like minions lost without their leader to guide them, MIA tags along to Zoolander, and both of them go round and round and round like complete idiots until Zoolander realizes that they have been going the wrong way. Finally someone switches on the lightbulb in their pretty, pretty heads.
Team Tubby Sibs are having a tough time digging for the clue. Finally, they give up and head for the sandbikes, losing around two hours in the process. By that time, MIA and Zoolander are dashing off to the next stop: the rooftop of the Glacier Café. But they don't really know this yet as the clue is partially written in Arabic. They have to find a local to help them translate the clue, which they have no problem doing.
The second train is here. All dash forth. Mr Token is yelling at his wife again, "Quick pace, quick pace!" Sheesh. John Vito and the Tools are struck by the realization that three teams are going to be dashing for the Fast Forward (four actually, counting Hydras who are now waiting for their train still back at Casablanca). The gals try to determine who will foil the Tokens by a quick scissors-stone-cloth game, but finally lets the guys decide. Mr Tool, never keen on the idea, lets the John Vito go for it. Stomp the Tokens, Vito! Stuff your heel in Mr Token Asshole's mouth so that he can never talk on TV again.
The Fast Forward requires the team to go to the Jamaa El-Fria marketplace. In a rug shop, the team must look for a rug that has the fast forward marker. "Use your eyes," Mr Asshole tells his wife. Shut your mouth. "Trust me, you gotta wait for me." Oh just get lost. They are scrambling like fools among the rugs when John Vito crash the party. Go, John Vito!
"I found it!" It's Mrs Asshole, and I want to scream. That means the bitch and her asshole husband will be first! By a long headstart! There is no god, only Satan.
John Vito quickly dash off to make up for lost time. They really have the lousiest luck in this game, poor things.
The Tubby Sibs finish just as the Tools reach the oasis. "It's a bitch!" one of the Sibs tell Flonana Morgana. "Tell me what should I do?" Toolinka Pesenti asks in a jokey/flirty/horrendous way. "Can't tell you," the Sib says, channeling a pure Guido moment. Would you believe that the Tools have to pay the Sibs for advice? They did. Guido magic is working here, people. Be very afraid.
In the meantime, the Assholes have reached the Pit Stop, the Riad Catalina guesthouse. Hubby's been to this area before on some research trip back in the late 1970s, but he is sure that he remembered the place looking much nicer than on TV. "That's because you didn't see those Assholes there," I remind him. "Oh yeah," he concurs.
The Assholes win some stupid camera thing. Who cares?
Mr Asshole says of their key to winning first place on this leg of the race? "We're a team." No, fool, you used the fast forward. See you go down next week, fool. You don't know the meaning of teamwork if a gang of teamwork comes over and kicks you in the balls.
His zombefied asshole wife adds, "We fight. We maybe talk nasty sometimes, but when push comes to shove, we shove together." Yeah, so shove off then, you two, preferably off a high cliff.
I hate the Fast Forward. We should get rid of it the next season so that assholes can't claw their way to the top anymore.
Floranangka Toolminger says that the Wacko Zacko team mate of hers is an amazing partner. Yeah, his hair is horrifying and those scary girly hairbands he use sure are, uh, amazing too. She knows she hasn't been nice to him...
"Ow! Ow! Ow!" she whines as their sand bike goes bump bump over potholes and send sand clouds rising all around them.
Did I say the editing this season is lousy? I think Jerry Bonghammer's guys are improving. Keep it up, guys!
But I must say, Flossteetha Whinomeme has a very nice grasp of French as she says a local to translate the clue. But they need to wait 15 minutes to get a cab, so they wait, and say hi to John Vito who are running in to do their detour.
MIA and the Twins reach the Glacier Café but whoops, the place only opens at 4:45 pm. Can we say "bunching"? Yes, say hi to the Sibs, John Vito, and the Tools. Everybody sit tight and wait for the doors to open, upon where they will rip the door off the hinges to be the first on the roof.
At this point, Team Hydra finally arrives and makes their way towards the oasis. Like, well, bye bye, losers. See you at the Pit Stop, if anyone is still around by then.
They waste precious time going to the rug shop only to learn that the fast forward has been taken. Heh heh heh. Back to the starting line, freaks! Why isn't Aasshat crying? I want to see lil' poor Aasshat weeping for his mommy.
When the Glacier Café opens, the teams have to do a roadblock: sell five bowls of escargot before receiving the next clue to the Pit Stop. Last team to reach the Pit Stop will be eliminated. Everyone starts selling.
I must MIA do a pretty good job, albeit in a most undignified begging way. I can just see him now, on the streets of LA, begging for info or worse from the lowlives on the streets. Flo, using her saleswoman skills to the fullest, threatens to love and smooch everybody who buys from her. They probably make a headline to her just to shut her up. Jill is so adorable. The Sibs are good. Zoolander seems lost, as usual.
MIA goes first. Woosh!
John Vito! Fly, rambettes, fly!
The Tubbies! May the force of Guido be with you.
Zoolander and the Tool finish at the same time. Go, go, go!
It is now entirely up to the Luck of the Cab Drivers now. A local tells the Zoolander Twins to walk, but they take a cab anyway.
It is funny that MIA is commenting about how unrealiable the luck of the cab drivers can be when their cab takes them to what seems like the scariest, most sinister part of town. As these two go around rampaging like LAPD in a bad bust, a local official steps up and does a "No camera!" thing at the, well, camera, before arresting these two strange, loud, abrasive Americans harrassing the locals. I hope they do a full cavity search.
While MIA is enjoying the finest Moroccan hospitality to the sounds of rubber gloves being smacked on, Team Sibs and the Tools are running to the Pit Stop. Sibs second (after the Assholes, remember) and Tools third. Fourth are the Zoolanders and next is John Vito.
Finally, the security staff has to step in to get these two released. I wonder what will happen if it is, say, Flo or the Token Assholes who are arrested. Now that will be funny, if scary because who knows, US-Middle East tensions are also too volatile. I'd hate to see what happens when ugly TAR contestants cause US-Morocco ties to be strained more than it is already. Besides, Mr Asshole, being an asshole, is probably familiar with body cavity searches by now.
The Hydras are last, but boy, do they milk every drop they can, posing for the cameras, talking in postured Will And Graceisms that they must have a lot of time rehearsing on their long path to Loserville. They're gone. But with the Tokens' screechings and ugly fightings still ringing in my ears, I just want another paracetamol.
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