The show opens with the camera panning over a picturesque scenery that will inevitably be ruined by the appearance of... who else? Our host, Jeff "Asshatery Monastery" Proboscis. Stepping out of what he calls a "sixteenth-century Buddhist monastery", he says that he is in "one of the oldest countries in the world", China. However, the sixteen batch of this season's losers have arrived in Shanghai and are about to spend the next three months or so going through the same old "Ohmigod, I'm hungry, cold, thirsty... and say, anybody knows how to start a fire?" routine.

Probby promises that these fools will be "sent back in time" to experience some culture that is "nearly 500 years" old. I suppose all that time I have spent watching all those silly little games they play in those Immunity and Reward Challenges does feel like five hundred years. Cue scene of people doing tai-chi. Do you think these losers will be forced to do tai-chi every morning? Yeah, I don't think so either. Instead of the usual stock footages of sharks and tigers, we have this time old men waving bamboo sticks around the place. You know, I'd love to see these old men beat the crap out of the losers. But knowing this show, just like all those implied promises in the past of someone getting eaten by a shark or getting stampeded to death by a herd of elephants, this one will never come to pass.

The losers are shown in a train going to their upcoming home for the next few months. Hey, who's that shirtless hottie in that train? Probby points out that this particular cast is diverse even if we are back to the whole nearly all-white cast thing after the previous two seasons of anomalous casting. How diverse is this cast? There's a "Miss Montana", a school lunch lady who is already weeping as she looks at the photos of her kids and all in the train, a Christian radio talk show host, a "gay Mormon flight attendant", a "professional wrestler", and some Honors student. In other words, a bimbo, an older mother figure, a religious kook, the gay, the implied lesbian, and the hot young female nerd. Nothing new, really. "A chicken farmer"! (In other words, the funny old bloke.) A professional poker player! (Read: the schemer-wannabe.) The losers are now off the train and on the back of a truck as Probby continues the ridiculous litany to convince me that this cast is some kind of triumph of diversity. A fourth grade school teacher! A national musician! A grave digger! A jewelry designer! Another waitress! A surfing instructor! A bartender and former model! And some fellow who is going to be youngest Survivor ever! Really, this is a diverse cast.

Actually, this is a cast that is easy on the eyes, so I am not complaining for once. Yes, yes, they are all models and waitresses and silly good-looking kids hoping to be recognized and get laid easily after their moment in the sun. All I want to know is, how soon those guys are going to get their clothes off.

Probby points out that these losers will be whining, complaining, and babbling about integrity in the Thousand Islands Lake (or Qiandao Lake if you want to authentic and bad-ass in some geography society gathering), which means that they will be playing fools in the Zhejiang Province. Not exactly a remote and inhospitable place that Probby is implying, as the Lake is man-made and this area is a pretty hot tourist destination for visitors in the Hangzhou area. Still, who cares? These people will have plenty of chances to parade half-naked and that's all that matters at the end of the day. As the losers get off the truck and climb up the stairs to Probby, Probby gives the usual spiel about how only the sole Survivor will be left standing after 39 days to win the million bucks. The season has begun! Woo-hoo!

Credits. I'm disappointed. The theme song still sounds more South American than Chinese. Good lord, there's someone called Chicken in this season.

Zoom-in on the statue of Kwan-Yinn and cue the monks decorating the temple to make the place look less like the starting point of a freak show and more like the birthplace of Something That Will Change Your Life. Probby stands at the front of the temple entrance like a Dalai Lama who happens to sleep with women half his age as the Survivors walk in, looking apprehensive and unsure as to what to do because those locals standing around the place look very solemn indeed.

Chicken ("chicken farmer") claims that the whole thing feels like a "carnival" and he loves it. I wonder where he is from, if those carnivals at his place have people standing still in one place and looking as if they are attending a very important prayer ceremony. Peih-Gee ("jeweler") wipes at her eyes as she talks about how special it is to be playing Survivor in China because her grandfather was from China and she was sad that he missed seeing her here since he passed away a few weeks prior to her coming on the show. She is also crying right there in the temple.

Probby now explains to them that they will undergo a "Buddhist ceremony" in the temple before they will do anything else. He is careful to point out that the ceremony is not religious in nature (read: designed to give this show some kind of pointless stab at authenticity) in case some of these people start making noise about betraying Jesus Christ with Buddha. However, given that the ceremony involves kneeling before the various statues of gods and goddesses, even I, who is of that religion, am not going to blame anyone who feels that the ceremony is religious in nature. Denise, however, says sweetly that the whole ceremony is amazing and it almost makes her cry. Denise cries a lot, by the way. She is even shown crying the credit sequence.

Courtney ("waitress") is shown acting as if she doesn't care about the ceremony. She tells the camera that she is tired and she just wants to get out of that place. I don't blame her. I'd probably be as skeptical about the whole ceremony if I were in her shoes. But I wonder how she is going to last the whole 39 days if she's already complaining about wanting some lemonade at this early stage in the show and she is already as skinny as a twig. In other news, Leslie ("Christian radio host"), believes that this ceremony is religious. Besides, she says that the Bible tells her not to bow down before "any other gods" so she has to leave the temple. She sobs to the camera because it is so hard to be in her position. On one hand, I sympathize with her because it must be tough to be put in such a spot so early in the competition. And as I've said earlier, I'm Buddhist but I don't think I will ask anyone of other faith to kneel before an altar even if it's supposed to be just a welcoming ceremony. I'd rather invite them over for tea if I want to welcome them, you know? But on the other hand, I wonder what this woman is doing on this show if she is so determined to hold on to her faith. The Bible, after all, doesn't approve of lying or betraying other people either, especially for money, so why is she on this show?

When the Survivors assemble back in the front yard with Probby, Probby asks Leslie why she quit the ceremony halfway and she says that she is "not a religious person" but she has a relationship with Jesus Christ, et cetera. In other words, she is a religious person. Is there some kind of shame in admitting that? Courtney smirks, because at least she is smart enough to merely roll up her eyes and smirk throughout the ceremony instead of putting herself in a spot like Leslie is doing at that moment. Probby predictably wonders aloud how Leslie is going to play the game and Leslie says that she's going to be herself and the others can take her as she is... or not. As I've said, ouch to Leslie for putting herself in the spotlight. This one may come back to haunt her, especially at this early stage when people are looking for any excuse to boot somebody out.

Probby now tells the others that a big theme in Buddhism is leaving behind one's worldly possessions so this means the Survivors will be embarking to their camp sites with only the clothes they are wearing. That's not nice. I want to see Erik and Aaron naked! The camera pans in on the person who will be later introduced as Ashley ("wrestler") and she is wearing these impractical showy boots, heh. The person who turns out to be Jaime ("student") raises a hand and announces that she's not wearing a bra at that moment. Probby merely says that this will make her very popular. Everyone else laughs as Probby adds gamely that perhaps Jaime could be "a big liability instead" if her braless condition gets in the way of competitions and life around the camp, heh.

And now, tribe division time. The division has already been made this time as clearly Mark Burnetto doesn't trust democracy anymore, since the Survivors are told to grab their new bags and they will find their buffs in their respective bags. The yellow buff tribe is called Zhan Hu ("Fighting Tiger") and the members are Frosti ("athlete"), Dave ("former model"), Jaime, Erik ("musician"), Peih-Gee, Sherea ("elementary teacher"), Ashley, and Chicken. Frosti tells the camera that as the smallest and youngest guy in the tribe, he is going to have to prove himself to the other Zhanies. He's cute. The red buff tribe is Fei Long ("Flying Dragon") and the members are Jean-Robert ("professional poker player"), Leslie, Amanda ("hiking guide"), Courtney, Denise, James ("gravedigger"), Todd ("flight attendant"), and the oh-so-cute Aaron ("surfing instructor"). Amanda tells the camera that she is thrilled to be on Fei Long because James and Aaron are clearly two of the strongest-looking fellows among the cast.

Probby babbles about Sun Tzu's Art of War, of which each tribe is given a copy of, and tells the tribe that they will also get a map to their camp. He then dismiss them from his sight.

Fei Long. Aaron leads his tribe mates in rowing the boat to their new camp, apparently because he's the only one who knows how to row a boat. Aaron tells the camera that he has no idea where he is going and he also thinks that his tribe mates don't know what they are doing. He adds that he sees himself as a leader but he wants to be a subtle kind of leader because he doesn't want a target on his back. Yes, dear, so does every buff guy on this show. Most of them never last, much to my dismay. That or they turn out to be ridiculous foolish twits, to my even greater dismay. They finally reach their camp site which is marked only by a temple-entrance structure. Around that structure are several pots and stuff. They realize that they have rice and some pots and pans but alas, no flint. Later, it begins to rain, causing Leslie to tell the others, "It looks like the big guy upstairs is providing!" Providing what? Flu?

Nonetheless, the rain does not stop Amanda, Denise, and Todd from making cheerful introductions to each other, causing Courtney who is nearby to roll up her eyes and says that where she comes from (New York), nobody acts like these "flight attendants and Sunday-school teachers". Heh, in a way I understand where she is coming from but such attitude may work against her if she's the only one who believes that she is Daria and everyone else is a Carebear. Courtney joins her tribe members in a tribe cheer but to the camera she mocks their "good job" and "we're so happy" attitude in such an adorable manner that I can't help but to like her.

Of all the guys in the tribe, Jean-Robert is the only one who walks about shirtless, sigh. He and Todd go off on a walk where they discover their tree-mail thing. It's a statue with a box placed on its base. Jean-Robert tells Todd that he doesn't believe that Todd is a flight attendant and Todd is like, whoa, why is this fellow thinking that I am lying. Jean-Roberts says that Todd seems "a little devious" to him, which is probably why Todd can't be a flight attendant since in Jean-Robert's mind all flight attendants are honest and upright people. But he adds that he likes Todd. Todd fans himself, probably wondering whether this is some kind of bizarre courtship ritual from Jean-Robert. Jean-Robert tells the camera that he is a professional poker player so he's naturally good at reading people and he wants to tell Todd that he's on to Todd. I suppose that's his way of telling Todd not to mess with him. I don't know what that will do for Jean-Robert though, other than having Todd to think of him as this strange fellow that he has best avoid as much as possible.

Todd tells Jean-Robert and the camera that he will do whatever it takes to stay in the game and win the million dollars. I hope he doesn't think that he's the only one. To Jean-Robert, he asks the man not to tell other people that he's devious. Jean-Robert coyly says that he doesn't see why it is anyone's business whether Todd is sneaky or not. Uh... okay. Todd tells the camera animatedly that naturally it will not do to have someone running around telling everyone else that Todd is a sneaky person and repeats that he's determined to play the game and win a million dollars because, hey, it's a lot of money. Oh, I like this fellow as well. I hope he doesn't turn out to be stupid or something.

Zhan Hu. Hey, Erik has his shirt off... hmm, he's much cuter above the neck if you ask me. Frosti is still so cute, I want to pinch his cheeks so bad. I believe they arrive at the camp after the rain has hit the place because Sherea complains to the camera that she's stuck in her dress and heels, which is "disgusting" because the ground is wet. She goes on to say that she's not an outdoor type so she's having a miserable time already out here. She ends up climbing the slope to the camp barefoot, which of course makes her even more unhappy.

Frosti, Eric, and Ashley discover some wooden frame thing on the ground which they lift and bring back, thinking that they can salvage it for something. Chicken, who looks surprisingly sexy without his shirt on, watches them and shakes his head condenscendingly, pointing out that the thing is too small to do them any good. Ashley asks him what he proposes that they do instead and he says that they have better build a shelter. She says okay in a brusque manner that I suspect is probably her typical way of speaking and these fellows then get to work. Chicken tells the camera that he has "a lot of experience over these characters" and if they don't like him, too bad. What happens is Chicken pretty much standing there and giving orders. If he has more experience than anyone else, I think it will serve him better if he actually, you know, be a little less patronizing to everyone else. I think the others will be more open to listening to him if he doesn't stand there with a snotty expression on his face while firing annoying know-it-all rhetorical questions at them.

As Dave playfully apologizes for letting out gas and everyone around him laughs, Ashley tells the camera that she is a "WWE Diva" and she feels that her job has prepared her well for this stint. I don't know. She's not implying that this show is as scripted as the WWE, is she? Cue her doing some jumping around and clowning all over the place as she tells the camera that she wants to be positive as well as win the game. All right then. As Ashley clowns around with Sherea and Jaime, Peih-Gee wonders to the camera why everyone is laughing and telling each other the most ridiculous things when they have no food, fire, or shelter. She feels so serious compared to the others. Still, she seems to be trying to get along with the others without openly alienating them, which is more than I can say for Chicken who starts acting like all huffy and grumpy because the others refuse to fall in line and obey him unquestioningly when it comes to building the shelter. I mean, the others ask him what he thinks about their ideas and he just stands there, far apart from the others, and gives flippant responses like "I'm just along for the ride!" The rain begins to fall and Sherea lets out an insane shriek of laughter as everyone gets drenched.

Later that day, the rain stops for the moment and over at Fei Long... oh my. Sorry, I happen to lose my breath when the camera pans in on James' shirtless torso. I know, I should be demure and tasteful about these things, but honey, check out those abs! Aaron's abs aren't bad either, but James has him beaten in the shirtless hot factor department. Maybe I should make my husband start digging around the backyard more often. Todd points out the obvious to the camera: the Longies work well together and work on the shelter is progressing very nicely.

The men are the ones doing most of the work, but the ladies are having a pretty productive time on their own, sitting there and admiring James. Leslie of course says that she admires James for his work ethic ("He's like Superman!") and naturally, she's just worried about James when she approaches him for some private time. She has only the most noble intention in her heart as she tells him that if he wants to talk, she's there for him. I love it when she asks him what he does and he answers, simply, in a sexy monotone, "Bury people." James tells the camera that he's a gravedigger, really, and he's used to working alone. He tells Leslie that he believes that he could be more sociable and she's like, hey, he knows where to find her if he needs her. That hussy. I'm so on to her wiles. Be strong, James! Fight the temptation! She offers to school him in socializing and he responds by putting that splendidly muscled arm around her. That's it. Where do I sign up to be a Christian radio talk show lady? I want to school socially awkward gravediggers in jumpstarting their social life myself.

That night, a thunderstorm hits the area and Zhan Hu, whose shelter is built from giggles, snorts, and crazy Ashley dances, is not doing much of a job keeping the poor Zhanies dry. As you can expect, nobody is doing the gigglesnort anymore.

Morning, Zhan Hu. At least it has stopped raining, although that is no consolation to poor Ashley is now feeling really sick. Chicken however is giddy with joy as he believes that the rain has made his point and now the others will come to unquestioningly obey him in everything. He's the only one working though as the others stand around and try to assign chores among themselves. However, Ashley is feeling very sick as she staggers off to one side to throw up before lying on a rock in a fetal position. She tells the camera that she's feeling really bad, what with the chills and the urge to throw up but not really throwing up anything. As she adds to the camera that she has wrestled before while feeling sick but obviously this is a different ball game altogether, the others leave the poor dear lying there in misery while whispering among themselves how bad they feel for her. I suppose they are all too busy warming up their rear ends to offer her any comforting words. Eventually Frosti gives her a weak back massage. Ashley tells the camera that she's determined to get over this sickness though because she is definitely not leaving.

Dave tells Ashley not to worry about being on the block. However, to the camera he says that he expected Ashley to be stronger than this - come on, don't tell me he actually expects Ashley to be a real wrestler - and if she doesn't get herself together, she's definitely leaving. You can always count on Dave to be a compassionate pragmatist!

Day three, Fei Long. Todd and James collect tree-mail and... sorry, I'm stunned by the sight of Aaron in his tight boxer-briefs. Everyone except for Denise is down to their underwear now so I have a feeling that this is going to be a great season. At any rate, the bad poem has something about living up to one's namesake and someone is going home at the end of the day. The Longies decide that it may be wise to look up their copy of Art of War and end up electing Aaron to be their tribe leader. Todd, who pushes Aaron to be the leader, congratulates himself to the camera for (a) putting the target on Aaron and (b) getting Aaron to think that Todd is on his side and therefore Aaron will trust Todd. Aaron weakly says that the tribe will be a democracy. To the camera, he says that he is not keen to be thrust into this position but he's willing to "go for it".

Over at Zhan Hu, Dave haltingly reads their tree-mail while Ashley remains wrapped up in a blanket. However, when Dave asks her to "hang in there", she sounds stronger than she was the day before when she says aloud that she's alright. Frosti tells them something about how he's a small guy who will do well in climbing and stuff while to the camera he says that he plays parkour, which is some kind of extreme sport that sees the participant using his or her body to jump over obstacles and rush along a course, so believe or not, Frosti has a point when he says that he can be pretty good at the kind of Challenges this show throws his way. I've seen a parkour tournament once and I believe the contestants don't just want to be fast to complete a course, they also have to complete the course in the safest manner as well as in the most efficient manner. This is what Frosti means when he tells the camera that he specializes in being fast and yet being safe around obstacles - that's what you do in parkour, where the motto of the game is "to be and to last". Now, the question is, just how good is Frosti at parkour again?

Probby awaits the two tribes in a clearing beside a muddy pond. Once the two tribes have filed in, Probby has Chicken saying that Zhan Hu is doing "as well as expected". Or "pretty okay" once Chicken realizes how sarcastic he comes off to his own tribe mates. Jean-Robert says that the worst part so far is being drenched by the rain while trying to sleep. With that, Probby explains the rules of the first Reward-cum-Immunity Challenge.

The members of each tribe are "tethered" as Probby puts it to a "ceremonial dragon". Think of a Chinese dragon hoisted on poles and think of each person carrying a pole to hold that dragon aloft in the air. The tribe members while holding aloft the dragon will make their way through an obstacle course shaped like a maze. At some point there will be a locked gate. A tribe member will have to jump over two walls to get a key and unlock the gate before rejoining the dragon train. Eventually the tribe will make their way out of the maze along a course to a platform where they will place down their poles (which are all of different shapes) into a slot corresponding to the shape of the poles.

The first tribe to do this wins the Challenge and Immunity. The Immunity Idol is a terracota miniature in down on one knee posture. I think I will call it Chairman Mao just because. Oh, and the winning tribe also, predictably, gets a flint. Probby also reveals that for this Challenge they are all given their running shoes, which they can then keep regardless of whether their tribe wins or loses. Ashley must be relieved not to be forced to wear her dominatrix boots, I'd bet.

This is one Challenge that is hard to describe - you have to see it to appreciate it because it's all running and winding along the course. By the time the two tribes leave the maze, Fei Long eventually starts taking the lead. The two tribes are tied at the locked gate, of course, but James beat Frosti when it comes to grabbing the key and opening the gate. Still, Frosti unlocks the gate faster than James - by this, I mean faster by a second or so, heh - so the two tribes are again neck to neck. However, by the time the two tribes have to wade through some swampy ground to the platform, Zhan Hu falls behind and never recovers, especially when they reach the platform and start making a mess of things. Oh, that is a nice close-up on Aaron's crotch. Fei Long easily moves in for the win, and wham, that is it.

Probby hands the celebrating Longies their prizes and tells the Zhanies that they have a date that night in Tribal Council. He then dismisses them so that he can run back to his trailer and start complaining that his Chinese food doesn't taste like Chinese food back in America.

Zhan Hu. Well, it's time to blame somebody and send that fellow home and as usual, there are no shortages of volunteer for the first boot. Peih-Gee is already sniffing and shedding tears as the Zhanies sit down for the inevitable post-mortem session. She doesn't want to talk about anything, she just wants to cry, that kind of thing. Dave holds her tight and tells her to "let it all out", which she proceeds to do. Dave then gives the tribe a speech about how they are all a "complete" tribe and he's pleased with how they have been working with each other. Hmm, Dave seems like that kind of person who likes to give insincere feel-good speeches unnecessarily even as he plans to stab someone in the back. Peih-Gee follows with a teary speech about how "it sucks" that they have yet so much to do. Huh?

I don't know how they go from one point to another, but what follows is Peih-Gee telling people how they should work in building the shelter. She tells the camera that the lack of a decent shelter was what held them back in the previous Challenge since they didn't sleep well and all. Of course, this sees Miss Bossy crossing words with Mr Passive-Aggressive, with Peih-Gee confronting Chicken over some things about the shelter. The discussion goes down as well as you can imagine. Erik lingers in the background with a blurry patch of pixels hovering over the front of his boxers. I suppose he doesn't have time to dry them yet.

As Peih-Gee starts "letting it all out" (and by "it", it's that red target she loves to wear around her neck) by behaving like an irate construction site supervisor, Ashley tells the camera that Peih-Gee is being an annoyance. She's pretty much like, hello, who died and made the crybaby the leader of the tribe? However, Ashley is also aware that her current state of not-so-rosy health makes her a prime candidate for the boot and she's determined to show them that she's fine enough to keep going.

Indeed, Chicken later tells Frosti in a private conversation that he's not keen on keeping Ashley around due to her lack of contribution around the camp. Frosti says that Ashley is sick. "That's not the point!" Chicken quickly tells him. He tells Frosti that he's convinced Ashley will be weak even if she's not sick. To the camera, he says that he's sure Ashley will leave. At least, he's determined to write her name down anyway. Frosti however seems less than committed to Chicken's suggestion to boot Ashley. Later that evening Sherea tells Jaime that she's voting out either Peih-Gee ("because she's so bossy") or Chicken. Dave tells the camera that the votes will most likely go down to Chicken, Ashley, or Peih-Gee. Personally, he'd like to keep some experienced people around and to keep the tribe strong, so he tells Chicken that he's not going to write down Chicken's name. With that, the Zhanies get into their boat and paddle off to meet Probby.

Night, Tribal Council. It's held in a room in that same temple at the start of the episode, by the way. The Zhanies step in to be greeted by Probby's spiel about fire and life. You have heard it before, don't lie. Probby begins by asking them about life in the camp and how hard things are, which leads to the shelter, naturally. And subsequently, the issue about leadership where Chicken admits that he's not interested in being one while Dave and Peih-Gee say that they would love to be the leader. Peih-Gee, in particularly, seems hyperexcited about wanting to be a leader. She's weird. Probby then asks them about how they decide their vote tonight. Dave is all about "trimming" the "least productive people" and Chicken agrees. Ashley points out that she is sick so she has a pretty good excuse, heh, while Chicken argues that bouncing the guy who doesn't fit in (guess who) over someone who does the least work is going to cause the tribe to lose some more. Sorry, buddy, but that line of argument only works when the audience is determining who gets the million dollars and this isn't that moment where the lines are opened and the crazy fat housewives with no lives start grabbing for their phones.

Voting time now. The only votes revealed are: Peih-Gee who naturally voted for Chicken because that man lived up to his "namesake" and not wanting to be a leader, Ashley who votes for Peih-Gee because Dave is already the leader and... er, there is no room for another, I suppose, and Chicken who of course wants Ashley to go home. However, when the votes are revealed, Chicken has enough votes to make him yell "Damn!" and take a hike out of the place. He proceeds to call his tribe stupid and predict terrible things for them in his final words. I don't think the other Zhanies will lose too much sleep over this.

Search for more rubbish: