Doink-doink-doink screeches the electric guitar as the season lumbers slowly and painfully into the final rounds of this unbelievably horrid season. Our host, Ryan "Dirty Diana" Sleazebag, takes the position of the revival tent barker as he stands on a platform that towers over the Thirteen who are standing in a single file under the cover of darkness, as if they are supposedly possessed faithless people who will be saved in a performance by a preacher who will speak in tongues. Sleazie says that last week we saw a shocking twist where we have thirteen sheep in this particular episode, although since they will knock out two by the end of the day, I don't see what makes this twist so special. It doesn't even make much of an impact in the long run. The season still sucks. Oh, and Sleazie announces that we have all made it and we are still live - or is that alive? - so yeah, yeah, this is American Idol.

Credits. The beating blue heart of Sophia Gokey still hovers over all, reminding us all that we can only find salvation by buying Danny's CDs and giving his church plenty of money.

The shiny metallic blue doors of the Grand Cathedral Sophia open to show... no, not Sleazie, but the four judges standing on the platform. That voiceover fellow helpfully reminds everyone that those four are only the judges and not, say, the four horsemen of the Apocalypse so we really shouldn't panic and start a stampede. I love how isolated Lady Kara is as she stands alone, with Miss Paula and King Tut huddled to one side while Randy Randy stands close to the edge of the platform on the other side. Either they all hate her as much as I have come to do, or she has an unfortunate case of body odor. Either possibility delights me completely. The fellow doing the speaking announces the names of these judges as they step forward one by one to walk across the Grand Cathedral hall to take their seats at the judges' table.

And then, the fellow announces "our" host, Sleazie, and Sleazie then proceeds to act so giddy with joy, since this is the first time someone actually announces his name in such a manner since that embarrassing incident in his prom night back in 1957. He all but trips happily down the grand staircase, waving a finger at the camera as he hits the floor because, thanks to the preoccupation of this season with revival tents and false salvation, he finally gets to play the pretty angel. He trips past the dildo-shaped Monument to Our Departed Hope Sophia, where he gets to bend over and offer his hand to King Tut in the audience. "Oh, you are loving that!" he tells King Tut as King Tut, in a moment of weakness, loses his common sense upon seeing his beloved darling walk down the stairs like a divine angel and runs towards the edge of the stage to touch Sleazie's hand. Sleazie returns to the stage and, needless to say, his smile stretches from ear to ear.

He sounds a bit hoarse, clearly because of his emotions ("Mother, I've finally made it! Choke on that, bitch!"), as he welcomes everyone to this show. Yes, people, if Sleazie can find hope and salvation in this show, so can we. Don't fight it, just close your eyes and let Danny's greasy hand touch you... Sleazie goes on to "joke" with Randy Randy that clearly "someone" gave "their notes" to Fox. Randy Randy, who must have no idea what Sleazie is babbling about - let's face it, he's Randy Randy and therefore he has no power or relevance to what goes on behind the scenes of this show - goes, "Yeah! Yeah!" like he always does whenever someone addresses him. Sleazie then preens a little as he talks about the grand entrances. Bear with him, people. He has only this short moment to bask in the glory before he has to hand the show over to the Thirteen and watch them make discordant music from his bliss. Sleazie also says that he loves to see the judges walk for a change, since those judges are usually seated by the start of the show. Oh yes, I'd love to see Lady Kara walk too, especially when she keeps walking on and out of this show.

Sleazie now reluctantly abandons his "Am I not a beautiful princess?" moment of glory and talks about how the show has given the media plenty of opportunities to use tired headlines involving the number thirteen in their post-show reviews and articles. You have heard it before - thirteen instead of twelve wannabes will be screeching their hearts out tonight, not that it matters because Danny is going to win this season and damage the show more delightfully severely than Taylor Hicks could ever do. Indeed, the only thing that keeps me watching is the inevitable glee I will feel when Danny's debut CD tanks and everyone in the media and the industry makes fun of his affiliation to some pony church and his ghoulish use of his poor dead wife to clinch that victory.

Sleazie has Bruce the director do that swirling light thing as Sleazie shows off the way they have renovated the Grand Cathedral Sophia to the exact specifications dictated by Danny's pony church. If you haven't watched the show, let me try to describe it to you. The whole thing is shaped like a dead person's burst-open ribcage (think of those Aliens movies), which is appropriate, I suppose. Flanking the stage at each end is a dildo-shaped memorial erected to show that Sophia is right now watching down on Danny from the heavens. The show logo can be seen flashing as the futuristic representation of Sophia's blue but still-beating heart pulses on the screen behind Sleazie. And, of course, shining down like a beacon on the wannabes as they perform on the Grand Cathedral Sophia stage is the American Idol logo, shining like a bat signal, beaming light down on the wannabes because this show is on the side of angels, shining down its light on us all in our time of darkness.

But before salvation can begin, this show needs a warm-up side event like every good revival tent circus should. So Sleazie goes to everyone's favorite dog show, Randy Randy, and asks him to give his advice to the Thirteen. Randy Randy says that he likes to take it hard and he also loves to lick bologna and jelly ice cream from the stomachs of Russian hookers. Sleazie then asks Lady Kara whether she will be "harder" on the Thirteen. Lady Kara says that she is hoping that everyone who watches this show will love her and that she will still have a career on TV after they fire her by the end of this season. Sleazie interrupts the "pinch me, tickle you, hee-hee-hee!" thing going on between Miss Paula and King Tut by pointing out that Miss Paula, as a performer, surely must have some advice for the Thirteen and that she has better speak up before Sleazie rips out her throat for touching her man, bitch. Miss Paula is like, gosh, she hasn't "performed" for more than ten years now but if those Thirteen expect her to give them some advice, they are crazy and they deserve every crap they get. Someone just give Miss Paula her drink, thanks. King Tut says dryly that Miss Paula can always been counted on to give good advice.

"Speaking of self-consumption," Sleazie says before turning to King Tut, his face now no longer all smiles as if he is trying to scare King Tut into worrying over the fact that he had seen where King Tut has just stuck his fingers into, before breaking back that smile. Aww, Sleazie does have a cute smile and so does King Tut as he grins and winks at Sleazie before putting the Coke cup to his lips. It is nice to see that amidst all this false salvation nonsense flying around this season, there is still this pure and wholesome love story between two self-absorbed fame-hungry drama queens to cherish and sigh over. Miss Paula gives Sleazie the thumbs up for calling King Tut on his "self-consumption". How sweet, over eight seasons, Miss Paula has gone from the crazy woman the two men made fun of to their sweet crazy girlfriend. Someone give these three a sitcom after this season is rightfully axed! Randy Randy, realizing that once again people have forgotten his existence on the show, tries to boo King Tut.

Sleazie asks King Tut to tell the Thirteen what they can do to get his attention. He says that he's a record executive and anyone who doesn't what to do in order to get favors from a record executive has no right to be in the same room with him. Or something like that. Miss Paula tries to make a crack at King Tut for repeating the very same advice that she had given about not letting the stage swallow one up, only she somehow gets confused by the fact that he had made fun of her by making fun of the same thing that he made fun of previously and her brain shuts down. Sleazie laughs and says, "Welcome home, friends!" He is really, really happy to be there, which is so sweet. At least someone still loves this show.

And now, the good times are over and the torment begins as Sleazie introduces the Thirteen. And, you know, looking at them all, I still don't see it. Sure, some of the women look like pop stars, like Alexis and Megan, Adam could work if Mark Burnett is desperate enough to come up with Rock Star: Queen, and I suppose Kris could have a career for himself if there is ever a Monkees revival, but the rest? I mean, I like Anoop, but I have a hard time seeing him as a pop star. And don't get me started on the greasy, doughy, and repulsive Danny.

Anyway, Sleazie has King Tut explain that two will be expelled by the end of the day, which makes the whole Thirteen thing absolutely meaningless as this twist is just one more way to prolong the results episode. Sleazie now explains that the theme of this show is... ta-da, music by Michael Jackson. I love it. What better way to kick off a season full of godliness and salvation than to headline it with music from Michael Jackson, eh? The promotional clip is predictably glowing and positive about the King of Pop's influence on everyone and everything, so much so that you'd think that the last ten years or so have never happened. Still, there is no denying the legacy of his music and... no, Sophia Gokey is not making an appearance in the Thriller group performance! You people are terrible to even think of such a thing!

Kicking off the show is Lil Rounds. Her introductory clip sees her talking about her life in Memphis, which was all good and lovely until that damned tornado struck. Let's see the photos of the wrecked house again, shall we, in case we forget that Lil has no sob story here and she therefore gets voted off for being too "fortunate" compared to Danny? Oh, and Lil reminds everyone that she is the mother of three, which is very hard and therefore you should help her become famous so that she can hire nannies to take care of them.

Lil's song is The Way You Make Me Feel, which is probably the last song portraying Michael Jackson as sexy that people can listen to without bursting out laughing. She sounds good, which is to be expected given that she is one of a handful of people in the Thirteen that can actually hold a tune, but the performance is strangely devoid of energy. Perhaps it's because the tempo feels slower than usual, or maybe it's the fact that the song feels more boring with trumpets instead of drum machines in the background, but whatever the reason is, this performance feels very muted.

Randy Randy loves the performance, calling the performance new and jazzy with "R&B" vibes and all. Lady Kara says the same thing as Randy Randy did, adding a hundred more words like "radio" and "sick" to hide the fact. Miss Paula compliments Lil's clothes, mentioning "glam squad" and calling Lil a "force to be reckoned with". She even compares Lil to an angel. King Tut calls the performance "good" but he feels that the song choice was "lazy". He also hates what Lil is wearing, heh. When Lil stands beside Sleazie, Sleazie is like, well, King Tut should tell him what kind of clothes King Tut prefers. King Tut answers masterfully that Sleazie needs only to give King Tut "five minutes with Lil". "And I'll sort you out!" says King Tut. Lil has her mouth opened wide enough to swallow a tornado while Miss Paula chirps, "And that's all it takes!" Which may be a good thing, depending on the quality of the clothes-sorter, I suppose. Sleazie pitches a new feature of the show - "Five Minutes With Lil". Miss Paula tells Lil to stay away from dark colors, which is a jab at King Tut of course.

Oh, and Sleazie reminds everyone to be very careful about calling for the last contestant, because when you use 1 866 IDOLS 13 for the thirteenth contestant, you will hear some woman promising to say naughty things to you, and please, don't be fooled into thinking that it is actually poor Alexis Grace who will describe how she will lick mayonnaise off your naked body for $19.99 per minute. Or that you can call back every day when no one is watching. Your mother may not be amused when she gets the credit card statement by the end of the month. Lil's number is safe though - be assured that you will not be getting graphic details of the tornados happening in various parts of Lil's body.

Sleazie now poses on the second tier of the Grand Cathedral Sophia, reminding everyone that the songs you hear will be available in the form of a special studio recording on iTunes, so hurray for another way for you to give the people behind this show more money. If you can't remember how to get to iTunes, you can go to the official website mydeadwives.com/galleries/xrated instead.

Next up is Scott MacIntyre, who looks increasingly deranged as the season progresses, not that I can blame him for being mad about Danny stealing his thunder as the Sob Story of the Year. His parents valiantly remind everyone that Scott is blind and he's also a musical prodigy of some sort, so we really should vote for him instead of some fat slob whose claim to fame is a dead wife.

Scott's song is Keep The Faith, which is a song from the underrated 1991 album Dangerous. He plays the piano, of course, and he turns this song into another antiseptic middle of the road ballad in his repertoire. The whole performance is underwhelming, forgettable, and boring. Scott may have a pleasant voice to front amateur bands on Sunday services, but he is devoid of charisma when it comes to performing.

Lady Kara yells at the audience to stop cheering once Scott is finished because she'd like everyone to pay attention to her 15-minute long epic speech on how Scott makes the ice cubes in her refrigerator melt. She asks Scott whether he has learned the song on piano that very week and Scott says yes. Lady Kara babbles about faith and being true to oneself every week. I think what she is trying to say is that the performance isn't "dynamic" (her own word) but she can't just say only that or else the camera will quickly move away from her. Miss Paula calls the performance "magical" and she finds it even more magical to see Scott's "instrument" (heh). Miss Paula then points out Siedah Garrett, the woman who wrote this song and also in a duet with Michael Jackson in I Just Can't Stop Loving You, in the audience and claims that Siedah is proud of what Scott has done to her song. Siedah is probably going in her head, "Whatever, bitch. I just want the royalties."

King Tut apologizes to "Sah-yeed-ah" before saying that he hates the song choice because it is an obscure song and therefore people may not relate to the performance. Scott says that he merely wanted to be "artistic". King Tut says that he has no problems with Scott being artistic, he just feels that this show is the wrong place to flex one's "artistic" muscles. He goes on to say that he likes Scott as a singer, he just doesn't like the song choice. Miss Paula points out that King Tut told her that the song was the "biggest selling record in history... in Norway!" I would have laughed if she was being sarcastic there, but she seems to have pulled out that line in a genuine attempt to prove what she believes to be a wrong assumption on King Tut's part, that the song is actually well-known. Finally, Randy Randy speaks. He agrees with King Tut in that there are better songs by Michael Jackson out there to choose from, and he also feels that the performance was safe. King Tut chimes in his agreement with Randy Randy, saying that the performance lacks "passion". Lady Kara is probably thinking at that moment, "Damn, if he has said all this earlier, then I would have known what to say too. I wouldn't have babbled on and on like an idiot just now!"

As Scott stands beside Sleazie and tries not to look too much like Chucky the Doll, Sleazie tries to arbitrate the argument between King Tut and Miss Paula as to whether King Tut really did tell her that Norwegians loved Keep The Faith like nobody's business. King Tut claims not to remember while Miss Paula insists that he did tell her that. Sleazie settles the argument by saying that he can tell when King Tut is "fibbing". Seriously, these three need a sitcom. Sleazie then compliments Scott and rattles off his number. Don't worry folks, this line is okay - no Scott telling people of the things he loves to do with cucumbers when he is sure that no one can see him.

Sleazie now poses behind the judges' seats. He reaches out to place his hand on the back of Miss Paula's seat. Lady Kara, sensing him, turns to greet him with a plastic grin on her face. I laugh when he responds by stepping closer towards Miss Paula - who has a smug "See? He likes me more, bitch!" smile on her face - as he introduces the next wannabe - Danny.

Danny Gokey for once doesn't mention you-know-who, but he does mention how he grew up in a big family that did not necessarily have everything. If that is the case, I wonder how he gets those ugly Versace shades he keeps wearing on the show. Did his preacher part the Red Sea to reveal thousands of branded eyewear littering the sea floor? We get to see Danny thrusting his crotch in what seems to be his idea of dancing to entertain the audience. Oh, fat, pasty, and gruesome Danny. Perhaps he can't help being creepy and disgusting and looking like he bathes only once a year, because there is a cult-family vibe from the introductory clip. Oh, and Danny pretends to be shocked that he is still on the show, because he hasn't been, you know, flogging the dead wife angle for several weeks now when his pony church people aren't organizing creepy militant rounds around the phones to keep his votes coming in. I tell you, when he wins the show, his album sales is going to be as legitimate as L Ron Hubbard's book sales - I'd bet that most of the sales will arise from his pony church buying copies of his CDs by the truckloads to be used in missions and what not.

As Miss Paula eagerly shakes her shoulders back and forth in anticipation of seeing her favorite fat ghoulish widower shaking his greasy package on stage, Sleazie reveals that Danny will be performing P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing). I hate to say this, but I have to admit that he sounds really good on the ear. Even when he's out of breath, he still sounds very much on tune and in key, which is impressive really. The stage antics, however, are embarrassing to watch. It's like watching one's drunk uncle taking the dance floor, complete with hammy thigh wiggles and awkward air punches. He is like a more offensive version of Taylor Hicks, and as good as he can sound, it's not like he is that good to need to stay around.

Miss Paula babbles something about "Take it all in!". She's probably having an entertaining visual involving Danny and a dildo the size of a baseball bat, who knows. Come on, a delightfully crazy woman like Miss Paula has to have wild dominatrix tendencies. It's the law. She goes on to claim that the "true mark of an artist" is when one closes one's eyes and can still tell who one is listening to. Okay, I can tell when I hear Barney the Dinosaur with my eyes closed, so does that make Barney a true artist? On the bright side, Danny is a pasty ghoulish fat widower so Miss Paula will be making the world a better place by kidnapping Danny and holding him prisoner in her S&M basement dungeon. Miss Paula begins to sob as she says that she thinks Danny will be in the "finals". I think she means the final two, heh, since we are already in the finals.

King Tut laughs at the idea that Miss Paula has already announced a winner at this stage of the competition. Miss Paula grabs his hand and reminds him that he made the same early announcement about Carrie Underwood back in the fifth season. Ooh, Miss Paula is on fire. I tell you, she'll have poor King Tut all trussed up in her dungeon by the end of the month. King Tut finds the vocals "brilliant", comparing Danny to Michael McDonald ("a white guy with soul"). That's nice to hear, because Ronald McDonald is more relevant to pop culture nowadays when compared to poor Michael McDonald. King Tut goes on to add that he however finds the dancing "hideous". Here, Danny cuts in to say that he knows that the dancing will be horrible and he did ask for some production intervention on his dancing... and for a moment, I find myself thinking that Danny could have been a nice and likable fellow if he hadn't been such a sleazy piece of dung exploiting his dead wife and playing the messiah in a pony church. King Tut, knowing full well that what crazy church people can do in the name of religion, decides to give in to the inevitable and "admit" that Danny was terrific.

Randy Randy claims that he keeps seeing a wide range of Danny's ability. He also claims that he can appreciate Danny's dancing because it is all about "passion" for Danny. King Tut starts calling Randy Randy's name repeatedly in what seems like despair. Because Randy Randy has spoken first, Lady Kara goes on to say the same things that Randy Randy did, only she takes twice as long and uses twice as many words to do so. She mentions "joy", "courage", and other rubbish - I think she wants desperately to be either Danny's new wife or his reverend's new mistress.

Danny joins Sleazie on stage where he insists that he will not stop dancing because such dancing is part of his pony church's code of conduct. Oh, and church-going people can call his number without fearing for the sancitity of their souls. There will be no naughty Muslim women promising to describe all the naughty things they did to each other if the callers promise to renounce Jesus and embrace the glory that is Allah.

Three down, ten more to go. Who's next but Michael Sarver? He visits the oil rig where he used to work and tries to convince everyone that such workers are not among the highest paid blue collar workers in the world. Everyone in the introductory clip is like, wow, the redneck doesn't look like one anymore (it's amazing what fancy clothes can do to someone) and it's great that he's living his "dream". In case people do remember that Michael has a house and a wife who is still alive and therefore clearly not worthy of the American dream, Michael's mother immediately reminds everyone that Michael's father was dead and as a result, Michael had a tough life, boo-hoo-hoo. How sad, but alas, we have only enough grief in our hearts for one corpse and our heart belongs to Sophia Gokey, so bugger off, Dead Daddy Sarver. Like Lil insisting that she will be the best mother ever by becoming a superstar, Michael says that he wants to be the best daddy ever... by leaving them behind while he sings tunelessly on a glorified revival tent show. Still, wanting to be rich and famous so that you can hire nannies for those brats does have to count for something, like, I don't know, maybe good intention?

After Sleazie explains that Michael will be insisting that You Are Not Alone, which you may remember has a music video that features Michael Jackson's ghoulishly white bare chest and creepily naked first ex-wife Lisa Marie Presley in what could have been a musical tribute to this season's greatest love story. This Michael could only wish that he is as halfway tuneful as Michael Jackson. Fatty Michael Sarver still comes off like a poor man's Josh Gracin: a very average fellow with zero stage presence and zero star power. The arrangement of the story is bland, the singing is bland, and the performer is blandness personified. Don't ask me who is voting for this fellow. Church-going housewives who prefer to lust after a married man rather than a ghoulish widower, I suppose.

King Tut repeats the Michael Has Heart line of propaganda: Michael is not the best singer, but he has heart, blah blah blah. Hasn't he learned anything from Josh Gracin and Scott Savol? There is only so much having passion and "giving it 110%" can do before one outlasts one's welcome on the show. Having said that, I have to admit, Michael is one of the very few guys here who have cleaned up very nicely. But as a contestant on this show, he's just one of the many boring people making this season a snooze. I can see Miss Paula nodding approvingly as King Tut delivers his spiel. I think she has this crazy idea that he cares for her opinion on what he has to say. And I think he may be cruel enough to let her imagine that this is the case. "I just wish we knew what you did for a living!" King Tut finishes, the perfect barb indeed that Michael takes with good-natured humor. Randy Randy is happy for Michael because apparently Michael has "returned to R&B" and Randy Randy now thinks that Michael is one of the best singers on the show. Uh, okay. Lady Kara repeats the same things Randy Randy said only with of course ten times more words and ten minutes longer. Miss Paula says that Michael is likable and ordinary with extraordinary talent. Or something like that. She is close to tears, by the way, and I'm sure we all know why, heh. She babbles more about colors and other things that make sense only in her own beautiful world while Michael looks at her with a bemused expression on his face.

Sleazie and Michael take the stage where Sleazie gets Michael to admit that he'd rather be on that stage than at the oil rig. At least Michael is honest. Now, if he will only confess that he wants to ditch the wife and kids to party it up in LA, we're all set for truth and honesty and we are ready for the next phase of salvation. Sleazie rattles off Michael's number, which is fine because there's no chance that people will hear Michael promising to relate in graphic details for $19.99 per minute how lonely men drill for oil on those long and cold nights.

Sleazie sits at the foot of one of those dildo-shaped angel memorials to Sophia Gokey on the stage to chatter with Jasmine Murray. He and Jasmine discuss shopping and other matters shockingly devoid of dead family members, natural disasters, and other reasons to become rich and famous. Sleazie did manage to make a dig at Fox, though, wondering whether Jasmine has to return the fabulous stuff she has found while shopping, since it's now the recession and what not. I tell you, clearly someone is bitter that they made him return all the supposedly missing strapless dresses and high-heeled shoes that they found stashed away in his wardrobe.

In her introductory clip, Jasmine talks about high school, family, and other happy stuff. She has a close-knit family, she loves her school, and everyone loves her. How sad for Jasmine, clearly her life is so empty and meaningless without a dead husband, homelessness, and what not to make her worthy of being on this show.

Jasmine's song is a predictable one: I'll Be There. Her performance doesn't show any marked improvement from her previous ones on this show - she has the volume and the voice, but her inexperience causes her to lose control of her pitch more often than not. By the time the performance ends, she is embarrassingly terrible - out of breath, rough, and even painfully nasal with weird squeaks and bleats coming in here and there.

Randy Randy reminds everyone that he was involved in producing Mariah Carey's cover version of that song and he thinks that the performance was "surprisingly" "not bad at all". Lady Kara of course agrees with Randy Randy and says amazingly the very same thing, only with an embellishment of a thousand more words and the delivery of an overwrought sports commentator. Seriously, please put this woman out of her misery and fire her useless ass before she makes an even bigger spectacle of herself. Miss Paula talks about Jasmine's "poise" and "composure" but points out that there are some painful moments during the chorus where she was "under" at times. And hell has frozen over because Miss Paula is making more sense than Lady Kara, heh. King Tut says that he has nothing more to add only to go on and say that the big notes will always trouble Jasmine and the performance was "a little robotic at times". He wants Jasmine to "lighten up" and start acting her age because he feels that she is like a little girl "trying to act like a grown-up". Sigh, but aren't all these young kids like that? From Lisa Tucker to Paris Bennett to David Archuleta, these kids tend to emulate adult performers when they hit the stage because they are trained to do so by their parents and other adults running their careers. I don't know why King Tut expects Jasmine to be any different. The one young lady that did act her age was Mikalah Gordon - remember her? - and she was panned for being irritating and overly dramatic.

Sleazie stands beside Jasmine on stage and rattles off her number because he has nothing to say to her, given that the usual two suspects have been in perfect agreement with each other during the pointless criticism session. Her number is fine too, folks, so you don't have to worry about the cops breaking down your door and arresting you for calling up the wrong number.

As the show moves to a commercial break, this is this cute clip of Kris and Allison arm-wrestling that makes me smile because it's like Xena, Warrior Princess, going up against a garden gnome.

Sleazie stands at the second tier, right above Sophia Gokey's beating blue heart hologram screen, to pose like a great reverend poised to ask for charitable donations so that the church can buy a new yacht for the reverend's "missionary trips" to Belize. Appropriately, Sleazie opens his mouth to ask people to buy songs from this show on iTunes so that Sleazie and King Tut can go on a vacation early next year to Belize.

Up next is Kris Allen, who is fortunate that he reminds little girls of some harmless cute boy that they can fixate their budding hormonal stirrings on, because it sure isn't his singing that kept him this far on the show, that is for sure. Kris' introductory clip sees him looking really rough without all that airbrushing and make-up they usually slap onto those publicity photos and stage performances, but I like those dark circles around his eyes. They humanize him, make him come off less like a My First Boyfriend action figure and more like an unlikely power top who makes Adam Lambert scream in bed every night in the hot mansion of love. The introductory clip also talks about Kris and his church and his wife. Yes, his wife. That sound you hear is that of hearts breaking all across America as his female fans realize that Kris is not only not growing a foot taller overnight, he's also not going to marry them. The wife reveals that she made him marry her before he runs off to Hollywood. Clearly she believes that the bonds of marital fidelity will keep him by her side. Has she seen the photo of him and Alexis Grace in a drunken clinch yet? Kris closes the video by saying that they made sacrifices to be here - yeah, right - so he hopes that the experience will pay off and they will get to live happily ever after from here. Sheesh, that is harsh - he doesn't even let his fans believe that he will leave her for them.

Sleazie, arms crossed and looking like the Pope of the Communist Church, warns people that Kris has his guitar and he will be performing Remember The Time, the one with that fabulous music video featuring Iman. Kris starts off looking like he wants to jump around like a wild babboon on stage, but he seems to change his mind in mid-hop and instead settles for strumming his guitar wildly as he tries to emulate Michael Jackson's orgasm moans... for a second or two before he wisely gives that up too. Then again, he has only been married to his wife for, like, what, ten seconds? It's best he sticks to what he knows best. His performance is weird all over, from his wild eyes and crazy hair to the ridiculous body bopping to the crazy jazz hands. Vocal-wise, this is not bad at all, really, but the performance is very distracting and makes it hard for me to appreciate his singing. I guess all that manic antic is to compensate for him being only three feet tall.

Lady Kara has to talk first so, without a clue as usual and ten thousand words to express her cluelessness, she babbles about how "the girls love Kris" and how the guitar makes Kris glow and shine and come off as actually five feet tall instead of three. Kara also reveals that Kris has been running around helping the other wannabes, maybe as a foot stool or something, and Kara would like to compliment Kris on that too. And on and on Kara goes until she stops to catch her breath, and Miss Paula swoops in to tell everyone that King Tut is trying to "like, undress" her. Lady Kara can't believe that anyone would prefer Miss Paula to her. Well, that's because Miss Paula is funny. One only has to listen to Lady Kara to wish that gags are back in fashion. Sleazie comes down from the stage and forces King Tut to keep that straying hand to himself. He whispers something to King Tut that the sound system can't catch, but judging from how Sleazie pats King Tut's chin afterward, I think it's some kind of reassurance that Miss Paula really did go for a chest enhancement procedure like King Tut suspected and there is no need to do an actual physical examination to be sure.

Miss Paula amusingly tells Kris that Kris was so helpful because no one knows "Michael's catalog" better than Kris. No, don't ask me if she is saying what you think she is saying. Kris laughs a little too hard, maybe still smarting over the fact that Michael Jackson is a bigger fan of David Archuleta. No, I didn't say that - shut up. You really should see Miss Paula in action here if you haven't. Words cannot do justice to how drunk/deranged she looks as she makes a fist and clenches it tight while she sobs that Kris is "adorable-sexy". Lady Kara is like, there is no crime in being sexy, stopping short of saying, "Like me! I'm sexy! Everyone look at me! Stop saying Paula is better than me, damn it!" Miss Paula rattles off in a beautiful train wreck of awesome comedy about how it is okay for her to call Kris sexy because she normally won't call King Tut sexy (there's a connection between those two in her own beautiful world) and... and... Miss Paula's brain finally short-circuits and she concludes by telling Kris that he has done a great job. By the way, when the camera zooms in on Kris' family, it looks like all the men in the family have a thing for flannel shirts. I wonder why.

King Tut says that he hasn't a clue what Miss Paula had just babbled for the last twenty minutes or so before calling Kris pretty much the likable My First Boyfriend action figure for little girls. He thinks the song is not really appropriate with the guitar since it made Kris' performance look clumsy. He also adds that he'd have kept the wife hidden for a while more. Kris naïvely says, "But she's my wife!" Yes, darling, but... oh, I give up. Lord have mercy on these innocent lambs. I bet Kris even believes that people actually like him because he is talented. The wife, by the way, has the bitchiest expression ever on her face after King Tut has made that remark about her. She even mouths, I believe, "This is bullshit!" I bet that, unlike Kris, she knows exactly why King Tut has said what he did and she is probably also thinking of all those floozies waiting to tempt Kris away from the path of Christ into the gateways of Sodom. She may even have seen that photo of Kris and Alexis... She shouldn't worry. She's actually a very pretty lady, if I may say so, and she can surely do better than a boyish midget with a thing for Michael Jackson records. Does anyone care what Randy Randy has to say? He compares Kris to Jason Mraz, which is the funniest nonsense I've heard so far on this show, and he loves the performance, probably as much as he loved all the previous performances on this show.

Poor Kris now stands beside Sleazie, showing the world once again that he is actually shorter than Sleazie, as Sleazie decides to "avenge" Kris by demanding to know what King Tut thinks of his own relationship. Randy Randy cuts in to say that King Tut is single. Sleazie is like, yeah, King Tut is single so that man has no right in giving relationship advice. Except, King Tut gave a career advice rather than a relationship advice, and King Tut is grinning anyway because he knows more about the entertainment business than Kris and Sleazie combined, and... and... well, there is no punchline here, sorry, because Sleazie gives up the grilling to instead rattle off Kris' number. Don't worry, this number is fine too. Parents do not have to worry that their precious thirteen-year old daughter will end up listening to some fellow at the other end of line describing to her in lovely detail how midgets are really, really big where and when it counts. You know, Kris really does have some nice dimples... ahem.

Allison Iraheta is next. Her introductory clip reminds people that her parents are El Salvadorian and they adore Allison enough to make her sing at some local shopping mall. The poor darling's clip is so sunny and happy in tone, I can only imagine that the poor dear's "I was a slave to my tyrannical parents' ambitions, having been a singing child slave since I was only 5" sob story is too subtle for the audience to catch.

Allison's song is the awesome and always overlooked Give In To Me, one of the best songs Michael Jackson had ever done before he completely went insane. For Allison, the designated alternative rock chick of the season, this is the perfect song choice for her. It fits her husky voice like a glove, the song is very forgiving if she ever goes out of tune (and she doesn't), and there is a grand epic anthemic rock feel to the song that will be just fabulous when performed on stage. Allison nails this performance pretty well, I feel. If anything, this is easily the most interesting performance so far on this show!

Miss Paula can't believe that Allison is only 16. She calls Allison a poised rock star who must have been doing what she had been doing since she was 2. She also calls Allison "authentic", if a 16-year old can ever be authentic. King Tut agrees with Miss Paula and also adds that Allison should "lighten up". If I don't love her before, I love Allison now when she tells King Tut, "I'm not dark and I'm not, like, cutting myself!" King Tut goes on to call the performance "very good". Randy Randy says that Allison is born with "it" and he believes that she can sing "everything". Lady Kara babbles the same thing that Randy Randy had just said, only of course she goes on and on and on until she loses track of her own thoughts. She's just like Miss Paula minus the amusing train wreck factor, ugh.

Sleazie stands beside Allison to rattle off her number, and don't worry, folks, it's fine. Some people may be disappointed that they will never know, for $19.99 per minute, the state of the curtains and the rugs in Allison's room, but concerned parents and religious authorities can sleep better now.

As the show moves into another commercial break, Anoop does the monster mash in front of the camera. You know, I won't mind paying $19.99 a minute to hear him to speak to me... er, what? Oh yeah, on with the show.

Back to the show, Sleazie and Anoop Desai are seated on stage where Anoop talks about how he was the last one dumped into the Top Thirteen thing. I don't know whether I like what he is wearing. He has this shirt and tie under a big green jacket that is buttoned up tight. He looks like either the worst-dressed kid in prep school or a cougar's dirty fantasy came true. Anoop says that he intends to bring energy and what not into the show tonight with his favorite Michael Jackson song.

Anoop's introductory clip is also shockingly free from sob stories, unless you count being spoiled as a child a terrible tragedy. Anoop also talks about how his parents tried to teach him "Indian culture" - which is always a code phrase for "Son, we're arranging for this nice woman from Delhi to come over and marry you!" so Anoop has better watch his back - and I have to deduct points here for Anoop wearing an ugly pair of shades in that scene. Seriously, this guy is a walking fashion disaster. Someone stop making him pick his own clothes! Will this be a sob story big enough to carry Anoop through the competition? Who knows.

Watch it, people, and get ready to run for the hills because Anoop's song is Beat It. And... and... I love this! Ha, ha, ha, this is great! Campy, fabulous, and definitely featuring some great vocal chops, this performance is too much fun to watch and enjoy. A part of me cringes because this performance is definitely going to come off as too over the top, especially considering the person doing the camping up here, but Anoop has succeeded very well in capturing the energy of the song. I don't know why he would choose this song, but heaven knows, if he wants to go out of the show with style, this is the way to do it. A part of me also marvels at either the confidence or the self-destructive kind of nervous energy that allows someone who appears as calm and collected as Anoop to pull off something like this with poise and style. My husband remarks that watching Anoop is like seeing an accountant suddenly turning into a lampshade-hogging party animal without any warning. Still, I like this a lot. Is it okay if I hug my pillow tight and scream out his name by the end of this performance?

Miss Paula and King Tut argue over who should speak first. It's so obvious that these two are so over this season and are trying to amuse themselves whenever they have the opportunity. Miss Paula finally is made to go first so she puts this really funny fake smile and creepy "Come to momma" look as she shrugs her shoulder sexily to Anoop. Then she gets serious and says that to her, Anoop's performance is "karaoke" since some songs, like Michael Jackson's Beat It, are untouchable. Well, that's nice to hear, but why then do we make these wannabes sing songs by Michael Jackson if some of his songs are supposed to be "untouchable"? Then again, if I am to document all the inconsistencies and contradictions of the judges, I'd still be here when Sophia Gokey is resurrected and we all have to pay for our sins. And I don't have to point out that Miss Paula was dancing like a drunk idiot throughout the same performance she is currently calling "karaoke", right? King Tut says that the performance was "horrible" because it was a "lightweight karaoke" performance with "no aggression". He explains that the performance was like someone trying to be Michael Jackson but failing. Poor Anoop, and he's sure that he would be praised after getting a standing ovation from the crowd.

Randy Randy continues the "wrong choice" theme. Anoop hopes that he'll get to show people next week what he can do. Lady Kara repeats what Randy Randy had said and stupidly adds that Anoop's performance, the same one that had the audience go wild from the moment he sang, had a "disconnection". She hopes that Anoop would show some "riffs", which affirms what most people have been saying all along: these judges won't know a good song if it hits them, because all they care about is a loud note held for twenty seconds.

Sleazie stops short of asking Anoop how he felt about having one of the most well-received performances that was also the worst slammed, asking instead how poor Anoop is feeling. Anoop says that he hopes he will get a chance next week to, you know, give the judges what they want, another boring song that allows him to hit a few high notes, la-di-da. Sleazie asks, and King Tut says that he now regrets making Anoop the thirteenth fellow in this roster of wannabes. You know, I'm starting to suspect that this whole thing is a set-up to get Anoop his sympathy votes. I can't believe King Tut does not know by now what his remark would only do for Anoop's vote count in the two hours after the show. But hey, why am I complaining? People can give Anoop six billion sympathy votes for all I care! Oh, and it's safe to dial Anoop's number. No one will be at the other end to explain the fine art of beating it to innocent young kiddies of the world.

Wait, there are still people yet to perform on this show? Oh yeah, the show reminds me that there is someone called Jorge that is scheduled to perform next. After Sleazie tries to convince people that old ladies actually hit on him, as opposed to hitting him with an umbrella and telling him to move because he's holding up the queue with his impossible demands at the local McDonald's outlet, we move on to that fellow.

In his introductory clip, Jorge Núñez tries valiantly to win some love from an uncaring public by showing his family. He talks about how they are a big family living in cramped quarters, a family that splinters apart after the death of his father, and such. It's a pretty good effort as far as trying to match the sob stories of the other wannabes on the story, but I don't know if it will help much. I don't remember that he is on this show until he shows up, which isn't a very good situation at all.

Jorge's song choice is a predictable one: Never Can Say Goodbye. I tell you, of all the songs that should be considered untouchable, it's this one and I'll Be There. I will be happy if I do not have to hear these two songs on this show for the foreseeable future. Anyway, back to Jorge, his performance is decent (if ordinary and boring) on the ears. It's not his fault, I know, but he still looks like a homicidal maniac when he is performing. I cannot look at all those exaggerated and manic facial expressions he makes when he is singing without shuddering.

Randy Randy finds the performance "old fashioned" but likes Jorge's "vocal chops" and "open range". Lady Kara of course agrees with Randy Randy, repeating the same nonsense in her own verbose style. Miss Paula feels that Jorge wasn't being himself when he performed that song and asks him why he picked that song. Jorge says that he didn't have much choice to pick from because he's actually told by the producers to pick this song - it's either Bad or this. I tell you, after eight seasons, I still do not understand why these judges act as if the contestants have an unlimited choice of songs to pick from. If the contestant's choice of song is not cleared, why blame the contestant for "poor song choice"? King Tut says that Jorge did perform Bad in a way. He tells the man that the performance was corny and the arrangement was so old-fashioned - he couldn't wait for it to end.

As Jorge joins Sleazie on stage, Miss Paula can be heard insisting to King Tut that Jorge deserves to be on the show. Wait, I thought King Tut said that Anoop doesn't deserve to be on the show? Now Jorge doesn't deserve to be here too? Why don't we just eliminate twelve people and crown the winner by the next evening? That's a great idea, if I may say so - let's do it! Oh, and you can still call Jorge's number, don't worry, although I doubt that there are many people who look forward to hearing dirty talk from Jorge.

Sleazie now has Megan Joy Corkrey seated beside him on the stage so that he can ask her why she thinks she could end up in this competition. Why? Because the judges believe that she has a marketable side of her, that's why. Don't ask me what exactly it is that is marketable about Megan as a pop star. She looks the part, if Hilary Duff ever gets kidnapped by aliens and we need a replacement right away, but every time she opens her mouth, I find myself wondering whether all this is a joke. Megan tells Sleazie that it's true - she has never sung on stage before. I have this feeling that they never let her sing on stage before this for a good reason. They probably asked her back then to just stand there and look pretty. Oh, and for some reason Sleazie and Megan decide to announce that her brother is 21 that night. Looking at him, though, I can see why they decide that he needs all the help he can get to lose his virginity.

Megan's introductory clip points out that she's from Utah, which is in many ways a clear sign that something is wrong with you when it comes to this show, and she has been hungrily chasing after the spotlight ever since she was a very young kid. Oh, and she also wants to have a family. In other words, Megan wants to star in her own Danielle Steele novel. Megan's mother talks about how Megan's husband divorced her and therefore everything was horrible and disgusting and painful but her son Ryder helped her find meaning and what not so hurray, Megan is happy again. She misses her son so much, but of course not enough to stop her from packing up and heading out to a music career in LA. After all, Megan is doing all this for Ryder, you know.

Megan's song is Rockin' Robin and I just have to laugh. I know, I know, she's terrible to listen to because she's singing so flatly but come on, just look at her! She's smiling so happily and seeming so oblivious as to how terrible she sounds, I don't have the heart to boo her. Megan goes the extra mile to sway her hips and acts like she's Dolly Parton in a 9 To 5 reunion, oh dear. Then she closes the performance with a "Caw! Caw!" and I just have to burst out laughing. Someone please tell this amusing darling that she is probably thinking of a different kind of bird altogether. On the other hand, let's not. Let's keep our resident airhead bimbo as adorably silly as she is!

Lady Kara has to go first, so she babbles something about Megan putting her brand, personality, or something on everything Megan touches. Oh yes, I agree. Altogether now, people: "Caw! Caw!" Kara also babbles about needing to see Megan do her falsetto. Whatever. Caw! Caw! Miss Paula calls Megan's voice "quirky and unique". That's a nice way of saying that our adorable Megan's voice has as much range as Randy Randy has vocabulary. Caw! Caw! Miss Paula hesitantly says that she feels disconnected from Megan's performance, but she loves the last part of the performance. Me too! Caw! Caw! Miss Paula goes on to babble about how Megan's vocals "decide" her "beauty". Since these people are all falling over themselves praising Megan's vocals sky high as if they have been dragged to preside over Dancing With The Stars, I think we deserve to have Megan crowned the winner of this season if for some reason Danny has to leave the competition halfway. King Tut on the other hand calls Megan's song choice "stupid". The vocals weren't "very good", he says, and the dancing was "clumsy". He goes on to say that if we are to see Megan for the first time at that moment, without any hype, we would think that the judges were crazy to put her through. Uh, yes, I still think they are crazy. Lady Kara tries to pull a Randy Randy and interrupt King Tut, but she's so stupid and therefore nobody pays attention to her. Randy Randy agrees with King Tut about the song choice, thus making Lady Kara no doubt wishing that she hadn't spoken first and made an absolute fool of herself by praising Megan for making the song her own. King Tut asks Gordon Ramsay, chef turned professional reality TV caricature, what his opinion is, and Gordon says something that I can't catch. King Tut says that clearly Gordon has no idea what the man is talking about, heh.

Sleazie stands beside Megan and rattles off her number. Don't worry, folks, it's okay. Megan won't be at the other end discussing right down to the minute details how fond she really is of the crows in her backyard.

Because the show is running out of time, we go straight to Adam Lambert's introductory clip, where he talks about how he tried to break into the music business until... well, here he is. No mention of his hot photos where he parades in drag and kisses men with too much mascara and lipstick, though, which is a pity because if there is anything this show desperately needs, it's an unapologetic glamorous pretty boy who isn't afraid to parade on stage in full drag queen regalia. Sure, that will cost him some fans - the same ex-fans who are now posting ridiculous prayers asking Jesus to forgive Adam for being gay and Adam's father for accepting his son's sexuality (yes, that is a sin according to these creepy people) - but if you ask me, he's better off without those fans. Everyone is better off without those fans. Look at Clay Aiken - he seems to be happy at the moment, given that he is free to kiss hot boys and wear faux-Mohawk hairstyles without having a pack of bitter hausfraus hovering over his shoulders and molesting him while at the same time praying for his soul.

Sleazie, seated at the foot of the stage, introduces Adam who goes on to perform Black Or White. Oh baby, now this is everything Anoop wishes that his Beat It has been - Adam effortlessly spins this song in his own style, bringing in his adorable Steve Tyler-meets-Freddy Mercury flare into the vocals, and while I'm never exactly an emo type of person, I feel this crazy urge to start wearing black nail polish and go get a tattoo of his name over my right breast. Sigh. Why do all the hot ones have to be gay? I love his screeching, I love his swanky moves, I love everything! I wish he has broken out into some moonwalking, though. Now that will be wild.

Miss Paula, who has all but thrown off her underwear and flung it to Adam, screams to Adam to "take it all in - now". Miss Paula says that "never in the history" of this show has we seen someone so comfortable on the stage. Er, she's aware that she's addressing a Broadway actor, right? And that Adam has done even more theatrical performances than this on a regular basis long before he shows up on this stage? As much as I adore Adam, I tell you, he's not exactly entering this competition on the same playing field with amateurs like Anoop and Megan. Miss Paula continues to have an orgasm for the next fifteen minutes as she announces that Adam will end up in the final too. King Tut tells Adam that the performance is a "totally different league" from every other performance so far. He does point out that Adam has had stage experience, which may have helped. But there's no denying that Adam can't pull this off without having his own brand of flare. Randy Randy goes insane and calls Adam the most "current" of the Thirteen, but then again, the judges on this show live on hyperbole. Lady Kara of course parrots Randy Randy, adding that she hopes Michael Jackson is watching the show. Please, we all know Michael Jackson had publicly called for a boycott on this show after David Archuleta lost to that mutant genetic freak show last season.

Sleazie joins Adam on stage where he preens and twitters around Adam, all but asking Adam to autograph his tighty-whities. Adam modestly says that he had to rehearse "a lot" to get that performance right. Sleazie points out that Miss Paula is still having an orgasm on her seat and King Tut is like, hey, we still have ten more weeks of competition. At this, Miss Paula slams her hand on the table and says fiercely to King Tut, "I don't care!" Bwahaha, oh Miss Paula is killing me.

Sleazie surrounds himself with women in the audience in yet another pathetic attempt to convince people that he's a lady's man when we all know that he's actually interested in getting the addresses of their favorite hairdressers. Sleazie introduces the next person to perform, Matt Giraud.

Matt's introductory video is all about what a great guy he is and how much his parents love him. Like every other parents in these clips, these parents are so earnest to the point of tears when it comes to convincing the audience that their kids are the most talented people that I can only wonder why they are trying so hard. Are they worried that somehow some horrible secret of their kids may leak out in the future? I mean, in this case, everyone knows that Matt is the illegitimate son of Tom Hanks, the result of an adulterous tryst that inspired Robert James Waller to write a book.

How nice, Matt has chosen Human Nature, one of the best songs Michael Jackson has ever done in my opinion, as his song. With a piano at his disposal, Matt performs a very listenable and pleasantly competent version of that song. What I really like about this performance is that Matt has transformed this song into something I can easily imagine listening late in a smoky bar when I am feeling blue and thinking that the person performing at the piano is pretty cute... I mean, it's a different version from the original, but a very listenable version nonetheless. Tom Hanks, are you watching this? Your illegitimate son doesn't need your love or attention, he is instead singing about existing in a lonely vacuum in the big city and craving to touch another person. Why, daddy? Why you do Matt that way? Matt's doing fine, he doesn't need your love, so screw you, daddy! The camera cuts to Miss Paula, who is having another orgasm. I think she has been having that for at least an hour now. Dang, I think I want to be a judge on this show too.

Randy Randy praises Matt's performance as "Justin Timberlake thing going on". Eh? I don't know about anyone else, but I do not see Justin Timberlake at all when I see Matt. Is it the stubble? Lady Kara realizes that she doesn't have much material to work on from Randy Randy's "critique" so she merely says that Matt is a talented guy. Miss Paula shoots off in a single breath, "You are talented! Sexy! Amazing! Authentic! I'm blown away!" You need to see her face and her posture as she rattles off that line - she's on fire as the biggest source of comedy tonight. King Tut calls the performance "solid" and "nice". We really have no time left, so Sleazie stands by Matt and rattles off the man's number without ado. And damn, I really wish I can pay $19.99 a minute to listen to Matt talk to me about the thousand and one ways he doesn't need his real father to love him.

And finally, we have Alexis Grace to close the show. Sleazie tells people to take a pen and paper to jot down her number. "Trust me," he says, because he had listened to what really 1 866 IDOLS 13 is all about shortly before this show and seriously, were not for the pen and paper, he wouldn't have had ten new lines of dirty talk to coo into King Tut's ears later tonight. Get that pen and paper, kids. You'll thank Sleazie for that.

Alexis tries to convince people that she is a blues artist in her introductory video. Her father talks about how she has inherited his genius for music (hah) and Alexis also mentions her kid because there is nothing more noble on this show than a single mother. Unfortunately, she doesn't say anything about wanting to be famous for the sake of her kid, which may cost her brownie points with the audience as only an immoral woman would dare leave her kids behind to pursue fame and fortune for her own sake.

Sleazie poses between Miss Paula and Lady Kara as he introduces Alexis. What is so funny is that Lady Kara is staring ahead like zombie until she notices the camera on her, so she quickly turns to Miss Paula and pretends to have something to tell Miss Paula. Miss Paula ignores her to turn and smile at Sleazie instead. Lady Kara plasters her fake wide grin as she turns to Sleazie as well, upon which he quickly stands straight and leaves the table. I tell you, the other three judges and Sleazie hate Kara so much, they don't even bother to disguise it. This is so cool!

Alexis takes the stage to perform Dirty Diana. It's another great song by Michael Jackson. The stage lighting is beautiful, Alexis looks great... and then she starts to growl out her words and the magic is dispelled. Poor Alexis, she just doesn't have the attitude needed to pull off this song. For this song to work, she needs a big stage presence, an authentic slutty bad girl vibe, or a loud commanding voice. She has none of these.

Lady Kara is first to speak, so naturally she makes a fool of herself by praising the performance. Miss Paula tells Alexis to watch the oversinging, King Tut says that the performance is not as good as Alexis would think it to be, and Randy Randy agrees. And because we are really out of time, the judges are brief, Sleazie is brief, and poor Alexis will spend the night wondering how many fans she will have lost by the end of the two hours after the show to the real Dirty Diana at the other end of 1 866 IDOLS 13. Her number, by the way, is 1 866 IDOLS 36. Sleazie gives a lame G-rated excuse as to why Alexis' number is the way it is, but I'm sure those curious kids can always call 1 866 IDOLS 13 and find out for themselves what Michael Jackson was really singing about in that song.

Sleazie announces that there will be a surprise change to the rules that will be revealed in the results episode and King Tut hints that the change involves the judges. Sleazie goes on to say that the change will "change" the concept and theme of the show. Hah, as if this show can ever come up with a halfway decent "twist". Top Thirteen, my ass. Anyway, Sleazie recaps the performances of the night and really, I don't blame you if you remember only the last three or four performances. The magical moments on this show have been far and few, unless you count Miss Paula's continuous happy orgasmic antics.

Results show. The show takes on a revival tent vibe as Sleazie walks down the stairs, past the Thirteen who are bathed only partially in light as they stand silently at each side of him, and tries to evoke some sense of suspense for the next hour. There will be a double elimination that will change the lives of the Thirteen, he barks. Oh really? That's so funny. He also wants me to think about this "New Rule". As the stage becomes bathed in light, as if Sophia is personally coming down from heaven to tell Sleazie to stuff it, it's time for the show to start. Woosh!

Okay, so what do you think this "New Rule" is? Well, the New Rule will be something as stupid as everything they have done so far on this show, I can tell you that, right from the minute some stupid fat guy in suit decided that what this show needs is to push the sob stories to the forefront.

Sleazie steps onto the stage of the Grand Cathedral Sophia and welcome everyone to the show. He is pleased to announce that 33 million votes come in the night before, of which I suspect that at least 20 million must have come from Danny's pony church people. After all, if you tell those people that Jesus wanted them to vote for Danny, they would do that until their fingers fall off, upon which they would then resort to using their toes instead. Sleazie of course believes that the number of votes validate the Thirteen. Cut to the Thirteen, where sitting right in the center is the gruesomely disgusting Danny. Nice. Sleazie also reveals that there are artists desperate enough to be on this show to promote whatever it is they want to promote, which is how we will fill up the time in this episode. Kayne West and Kelly Clarkson will be on the show some time later, oh how nice.

Sleazie now introduces the judges. Pay attention to the claps and cheers from the audience. Randy Randy gets moderate screams and cheer, Miss Paula gets the second loudest amount of fanfare, and King Tut gets the loudest cheers and screams. Lady Kara gets the least applause. See? Everyone and everything associated with this show hates her. As it should be. As the crowd cheers for King Tut, Randy Randy begins booing, but as usual, he's ignored. Sleazie instead talks over Randy Randy's booing, mentioning the twist. Or new rule. Or whatever it is these people call it, since they can't seem to make up their mind, heh.

On comes a montage of faces - Tamyra Grey, Michael Johns, Jennifer Hudson, and Chris Daughtry. Sleazie asks everyone what these people have in common. Err... having been on this show during far more superior seasons compared to this particular stink fest? No, Sleazie says that these people have been voted off prematurely. Yes, by morons like you, America! Therefore, the show has decided that they cannot trust the people who are voting anymore, so now the judges get one veto that they can unanimously agree to use to save one person until the top five. Err, this twist wouldn't save Chris Daughtry or Tamyra Grey, since they were eliminated in fourth place. Still, whatever. This is a stupid rule anyway. The contestant that gets eliminated will not magically get enough votes to save himself or herself during the subsequent weeks even if the judges decide to postpone the inevitable. Then again, what do I expect from a show that is now resorting to borrowing so-called twists from other pony shows to remain relevant?

Sleazie behaves as if this twist is going to cure cancer and asks King Tut whether the "decision" will "overrule" America's decision. This is like asking whether it will be stealing if I take your money without your permission. King Tut begins to spin things around by saying that, "quite the contrary", the judges are just giving someone they feel deserve a second chance to have, er, a second chance. Here, the Thirteen begin clapping in earnest, convinced that the veto will be used to save them, those sad desperate people. Sleazie talks about how if the veto was used on the night Chris Daughtry was booted - which wouldn't happen because Chris was booted in fourth place and the veto would no longer be valid by that point, not that Sleazie knows that because he is a complete moron - then Chris could have gone on to win. Oh please. Yes, hindsight is everything and Taylor Hicks is so far the biggest embarrassment of the show, but what does this whole veto mean? Nothing, other than the show telling the people who vote that these people are morons with bad taste.

Weezer's Beverly Hills comes on as the show now moves to a clip of the Thirteen enjoying their first sight and taste of life at the Mansion. Can someone tell me why Adam and Kris seem to be sharing the same bed? Does poor Mrs Allen know about this? Anoop looks so cute sleeping in the bath tub. And why is Scott joining the others in pointing and cheering? He can't see, after all. We see a pool, a steam room, a shirtless Kris - hmm, not as impressive a sight as I'd have hoped, but at least I can now say I have seen a shirtless midget at least once in my life, a bowling alley, Matt calling himself a prince (not princess, so stop snickering, people), and Danny acting as if he's Eminem. Gross. You know, I notice by the time they pose for the group shot that Kris is the only guy that loves wearing those tight-fitting shirts. Sigh, why can't he be taller? It's so hard to drool over a married midget.

Back to the stage, Sleazie introduces the group performance of a medley of the Jackson 5's hits. Eeuw, just what I need - reminders of the Mickey Mouse Club. First it's Kris and Jorge thinking that they are hip-hop artists or something as they punch fist before the rest launch into their lackluster singing. I Want You Back kicks off the showcase of a complete lack of harmony, with the choreographers being particularly cruel by putting the two biggest, fattest, and most disgusting men (Danny and Michael) in the center and forefront. Take them back, take them back! And then I look at poor Adam, trying to look so happy to sing this song, when I know deep inside that he's probably withering from the shame of it all. From glorious Broadway to this two-cent imitation of the Mickey Mouse Club, only with worse choreography and singing. Is it worth it, one can only wonder? And then it's ABC, which is even more embarrassing to perform than I Want You Back unless you are genuinely a thirteen-year old kid, and I can see Matt subtly rolling his eyes at the camera, heh.

And... and... OH MY GOD, DANNY IS THRUSTING HIS CROTCH AT THE CAMERA. I repeat, Danny is thrusting that big fat crotch at the camera. What the hell? Why didn't anyone warn me of this? Where are my eyeballs? I think I may have accidentally clawed them out of my eye sockets. Meanwhile, the others at the back are chanting, "Shake it, shake it baby!" I want to die. These people are turning an innocent pop song into this... this... AAARGH, I SAW DANNY THRUSTING HIS BIG FAT CROTCH AT ME! It's so horrible and disgusting and vile, I think I need to see a shrink before I start breaking out into screams of horror and jumping off a ledge.

And then it's back to I Want You Back again. You'd think the Jackson 5 will have more hits than these two songs, but then again, I'm starting to suspect that this performance isn't about celebrating the Jackson 5 as much as it is about traumatizing me with the sight of Danny's pumping crotch right at the camera directly at my face. Can I sue this show for subjecting me to this gruesome sight? And then, finally, the performance is over, with the camera zooming in on Alexis' face as she seems to be wondering whether there is any chance nobody will see her on TV performing like a thirteen-year kid with no rhythm while a disgusting fat man with ugly glass befouls the eyes of innocent people everywhere with his repulsive hip action.

Sleazie returns to stage and, in what seems to be an attempt to help me forget the sight of Danny's hips bent on foul rapine of innocent people's eyes, poses in front of the metallic seat so that it seems as if he's wearing a very shiny and sparkly belt. It's not exactly Sleazie performing a belly dance to Shakira's Hips Don't Lie, but hey, at least he tries to help. Sleazie recaps the performances of the night before before launching into a Q&A. Michael reveals that they spent from 7 to midnight the day before rehearsing the prelude to Danny's foul attempts to impregnate people through the camera. Michael, or "Sarver" as Sleazie calls him, talks about how they have all been busy rehearsing and such. I look back at the whole Danny Wants You To Rub Your Hands All Over His Fat Greasy Thighs showcase and I can't help thinking they should have just went ahead and gone to sleep instead of wasting time "rehearsing". What's the point if the end result is going to be so tragic? Michael also talks about how cool it is to be in his first "video", the Ford clip.

And here's the Ford clip. No, it's not Scott driving the Ford right into a tree, alas, it's the Thirteen showing up like creepy holograms from hell over the city line at night as a Ford drives along the road. The Thirteen are butchering Queen's We Will Rock You in the process. They just have to pick that song to remind me once again of Danny's Hippopotamus Hip Action, don't they? Bastards, all of them. Hubby mutters about driving off the road and into a ditch if he sees that big close-up of Scott's deranged-looking expression hovering above him. Alexis, Lil, and especially Megan look good though in all that black.

Sleazie reminds everyone to go visit the official website www.dannypregnancylottery.com and go buy a ticket to stand a chance to win your very own opportunity to bear Danny's baby. Act now before Danny's fifteen seconds are up!

And now, Sleazie decides to babble about the results. Michael's "passionate" performance allows him to be safe while Allison tells the camera that she loves everyone for keeping her safe. Jasmine alas is in the bottom three so down she goes. Sleazie calls Matt next and amusingly, he stands up and is on his down to join Jasmine before Sleazie reminds him that he hasn't finished talking to Matt yet. I'm starting to like Matt, I have better warn you people. I think that it's either him or Anoop for me this time around. Then again, maybe I'll take both? Well, take that, Tom Hanks! Matt is safe. See that, Daddy? Matt is safe! Even if Daddy doesn't love him, many people do! Kris and Megan are the only ones left in the back row of the seats so it's one of them. It's not Kris, Sleazie reveals, but Megan who will be joining Jasmine. Note that Sleazie never mentioned that Megan got a low number of votes - she is told simply to join Jasmine.

Megan or Jasmine? Who will be going? Sleazie reveals that Jasmine will be the one leaving. That's not so surprising, given that she was a wild-card pick in this show. The poor dear seems to be holding back tears as Sleazie lets her sing while the judges pretend to decide whether they want to save her. Oh please, as if they will waste their "twist" this early. Jasmine reprises her bleating and sharp rendition of I'll Be There, only to be told by Randy Randy that the judges have no love for her, she won't be our joy and laughter, and she won't be getting the togetherness that she is after because she's so not going to be on the show anymore. Jasmine bursts into tears along with her mother in the audience as Sleazie begins whispering false platitudes and reassurances in such a transparently insincere manner in Jasmine's ear. Jasmine's eulogy clip plays with Carrie Underwood's Home Sweet Home in the background as we are reminded by the same judges that had just now rejected her that she was this talented girl with raw natural and commercial talent. Hah, that shows just how much the judges know. Bye, Jasmine darling! Thanks for wasting a spot that should have gone to Tatiana del Toro!

Sleazie flees to the upper tier to clean Jasmine's tears and drool off his suit while introducing Kayne West on stage. I laugh when he launches (lip synchs, actually) into Heartless just after he emerges from the doors right onto the stage of Grand Cathedral Sophia. Is he scolding America for booting Jasmine off the show or is he singing about poor dead Sophia's misbehaving heart who took her away from this world? Danny is probably kicking himself for having not performed this song first, I tell you. I hope poor Kayne's street cred is still intact after his appearance on this show. Letting his homies see on TV that he was on stage singing in a Mickey Mouse Club environment while the others were out snorting coke and scoring dope can be quite embarrassing indeed.

Sleazie now focuses on the bottom row of the remaining wannabes. Scott snarls at the camera as he is declared safe. Alexis manages to remain safe despite competition from Dirty Diana from 1 866 IDOLS 13. Danny is of course safe, oh don't be silly. As for Anoop, he's down at the bottom - he is already on his way as Sleazie announces it, so he's expecting it. Adam... oh don't be silly. Have you seen the number of crazy fans he has? Shudder. It's now down to Jorge and Lil, and if you think Lil is in danger, oh, you are quite naïve, you sweet little darling you. Jorge joins Anoop in the spotlight of shame.

Anoop or Jorge? By the way, I'm quite proud that I managed to resist from making a "America is deporting one of them back" crack here.

But first, let's hear it from Kelly Clarkson. Clearly she has been forced to put aside her "Please, I'm too good for this show!" attitude after her previous album managed to stay afloat for what seemed like three weeks before sinking out of sight. Now all smiles and acting as if she has always been exchanging her Avon cosmetic bag with Sleazie, she babbles about being so happy to be on the show. Oh yes, darling. Sleazie says that he plays and sings along to My Life Would Suck Without You at least three times a day and Kelly pretends that she has gotten over writing obvious hate mails to her ex-boyfriend. Sleazie makes a formal announcement that his own life will suck without King Tut - no, really, he does - and King Tut smiles as he opens his arms and shrugs lovingly at Sleazie. Beside King Tut, Miss Paula happily beats the empty space in front of her with a fist because she is genuinely happy for those two. I'm sure Lady Kara and Randy Randy are like, "Eh, when will people start talking about me?"

So here's Kelly with that song specially for Sleazie and King Tut. I love that song, by the way, and I also have listened to that album which I think is fabulous. I definitely approve of Kelly Clarkson shamelessly ripping off Pink in this instance, I tell you, because this young lady has sounded never better as everyone's favorite chubby Pink impersonator. To be fair, Kelly sounds good too when she's being everyone's favorite chubby Duffy impersonator - I Want You is the best song on that album.

Back to the show, Sleazie reveals that, most unsurprisingly, Jorge is going home. His sob story is actually more valid than those of the frauds like Michael and Danny, especially if you compare the size of the house Jorge's large family squeeze themselves in to watch Jorge on TV to the size of the house belonging to Michael's family, but alas, poor Jorge doesn't have the backing of the show's hype machine to prop him up. I'm still surprised that he got through on fan support in the first place.

Jorge reprises his boring performance while the judges pretend to deliberate over the veto thing. Yes, he is a much better singer than Scott, Michael, and Kris, but hey, take it from a veteran of seven seasons of this show: at the end of the day, talent means the least in this so-called competition. Poor Jorge, I do feel bad for him because in many ways, he's screwed by this show in terms of song availability and the show hype machine, but alas, someone always has to get screwed on this show and poor Jorge is that fellow this time around. Once Jorge's done singing, King Tut flatly says, "No. Sorry!" when Sleazie asks him whether the judges will save Jorge. So here is the eulogy clip, which plays even as the credits roll. Oh, Jorge. But I suppose he will always have Puerto Rico.

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