Since we are now in the finals, Ryan "No One Gets The Prize" Sleazebag voices over the dramatic importance of this show. This show unearthed award-winning artists before, you know! Cue clip of Kelly getting up to get some award where she would purposely forget to thank this show as she is still sore over From Justin To Kelly. This show has given everyone "double-platinum rock artists"! Cue Chris Daughtry scowling at the camera, his unhappiness now real instead of put on when he realizes that his concerts are attended by fat housewives wearing bizarre outfits instead of coked-up rock fans and indiscriminate groupies that he is hoping for. Don't forget "award-winning country stars" like Cattle, "stars of Broadway" (Fantasia who hasn't even started the Broadway thing yet so... no, really), and "movie stars" (J Hu who has won an Oscar for being the most overexposed celebrity or something). The show also manages to sneak in a few Katharine McPhee moments in that montage, heh.

So who's missing in the above montage? I don't blame you if you cannot remember Ruben who won the second season since he's not exactly the most high profile person around but I'm sure you remember a twitchy fat brick who won the previous season. Poor Taylor. Clearly people at large prefer to appreciate good music made by people other than Taylor which is a shame because now the Soul Patrol have nobody who will pay any attention to them when they go on another self-important diatribe about Taylor coming to save the world from bad music. Kewpie is also missing but then again, with his biggest achievement lately being caught on webcam trying to pick up guys from gay websites, I don't blame the show for not wanting to offend the fundamentalists of the South who may be watching. The deeper the zealotry, the faster those fingers work on the telephone after all and proclaiming that Kewpie is a two-time winner of the Celebrity Patron of Gay Personals Websites Award may just offend these holy rollers.

So there's Sleazie, dressed in an uncharacteristic suit-tie-pants outfit of somber hues today, standing with his hand cupping his family jewels protectively, standing at the back of the Event Horizon and blabbing whether anybody will give any of this season's Twelve any votes. That's like asking whether I will get overinvested in this season. Every season I will say no, every season I vow I will watch this show without getting worked up, and every season there is somebody who will make me rail, sigh, laugh, shriek, and make long off-tangent rambling diatribes in my recaps of this show. Oh well, let's just get on with that show, shall we?

The doors of the Event Horizon slide open and out walks Sleazie. The fresh artificial tan he is sporting and the silvery grey and gold hue of his clothes make him look like an overbaked muffin today. Cue to some sad people in the sign holding up "Fro Patrol" for the seasonal ugly boy that will catch the hearts of dowdy sad women everywhere in a mixture of "Look, someone from our kind is representing us on TV" pride and "That's why he's hot, when otherwise if he passes me on the street I won't give him a second look" sentiments. I'd think after the humiliating crash and burn of the obnoxious Soul Patrol one would come up with a better stupid name or their fandom - "Slighted Broads" comes to mind - but hey, what can I say. Two very homely women looking to be in their thirties at the very least but wearing clothes more appropriate for eight-year old girls throwing a birthday party in the Ozarks are carrying pink signs asking someone to marry them. Unfortunately, who they want to marry are blocked from view. They will have to continue being single for a little longer, I fear.

Sleazie welcomes everyone to the Event Horizon and asks everyone to marvel at the opulence shiny newness of the stage, which still looks like a gaping alien spececraft maw flanked by two thick phallic columns crowned by revolving American Idol. The stage still looks like a visual representation of a Viagra spam email, in other words. Take a good look at it because, as Sleazie reminds everyone, we will all be watching this stage for the next three months. Sleazie also points out that this show now has a "bigger band", which looks to me like the same house band with the background singers now thrown with the instrument players to give the impression that the show actually forked out the dough to hire actual professionals to helm things. Oh, and there are more crazies watching this show live as well.

First, the Twelve. I still cannot get over the fact that the most passably lookable guy in the cast this season looks like he's related to Kevin Covais. What happened to Operation Give Mrs Giggles Some Hot Guys To Ogle At? Damn these people.

Sleazie now introduces the judges. Randy "Don't Knock My Love" Randy! Miss "Eaten Alive" Paula! King "Dirty Looks" Tut! Sleazie then proceeds to solicit opinions from the most erudite judge, Randy Randy, asking that stupid twit how the guys will feel performing with the ladies for the first time. Randy Randy says that it's good that Chris will finally get laid. No, not really. And no, it's not that kind of performing Sleazie is talking about although I suspect that for most of the guys in this season, this is the closest they have actually come to a living and breathing female. Randy Randy says that the ladies have been better at performing, which they should be because this season the show is stacking things up to get a female winner. Sleazie asks Miss Paula who she'd like to molest among the Twelve. She says that there is a "great variety" this season but she prefers the ladies as well. Translation: oh my god, the guys really are fugly this season. Sleazie asks King Tut whether the guys will be outshone by the ladies. King Tut says that the "stage" changes everybody - is he talking about puberty? - and it's a different ballgame which can make or break one. How straight to the point.

Sleazie reveals that the theme for tonight is the music of "a true industry legend" Diana Ross, said to be the most successful female recording artist of all time. The montage clip comes on at the screen at the back of stage, which chronicles not just her music but also how much she contributed into the pockets of plastic surgeons everywhere. There's nothing wrong with plastic surgery, of course, it's just that they make her eyes grow bigger and bigger on her face year by year until she no longer resembles a human being as much as a big shiny doll. I tell you, if I spend that much money to look beautiful, I'd at least make sure that I look beautiful and not like a perpetually startled doll.

Miss Ross has agreed to be a guest mentor for the Twelve. She walks into the room where the Twelve are standing around the piano, saying that she adores their smiling faces. Well, at least they can smile without having to force their facial muscles hard. Miss Ross says that she had many great mentors in her life - although if you read stories about her life it seems as if she ends up hating nearly all of them, heh - so she's happy to be a mentor to the Twelve. That's assuming that many of them, especially the guys, haven't been dancing in their rooms to I'm Coming Out or Muscles since they were old enough to get funny feelings when they see pictures of good-looking men. To the Twelve, she says that she is not their critic but rather their "trusting voice". I understand. I don't trust their voices either. I'd rather trust Miss Ross'. She also wants to be their "supporting voice". She hopes that they will get plenty of success after this show, hopefully for forty years or so like Miss Ross had. Miss Ross tells the camera that she loves mentoring these Twelve because "deep" in her heart she is a "parent". Not, I suppose, in a Mommy Dearest way. After the hot air of insincere banal feel-good platitudes from Miss Ross that make the Twelve feel temporarily more assured about their talent and make herself look so good, the montage ends.

First up is Brandon "Workin' Overtime" Rogers who says that he's been "exposed" to many celebrities (not in a Mario Vazquez way, of course) but nothing compares to Miss Ross because according to him, she's the "original". Well, I certainly hope she's an original. I'd hate to know that the show has played a trick on the poor Twelve by getting a drag queen Miss Ross impersonator on the show to pretend to be the real thing! Miss Ross likes Brandon because he tells her that he grew up on You Can't Hurry Love. Well, so did the rest of kids who grew up watching this show because that song will not go away, damn it. Brandon says that he's pleased and it's "huge" because she tells him he's good. She can't be lying or saying insincere things, of course.

Brandon's song is You Can't Hurry Love, which is the song you want to perform if you want to make everyone forget your performance because that song has been killed and murdered so many times on this show in the last six years. I don't know whose idea it is to put him in whatever he's wearing but that dual-toned shirt takes off what seems like ten inches from his actual height. His singing is shaky and unimpressive because his voice seems too big to be contained by the song, if I am making sense here. He is someone who should be singing a Ray Charles song and not a song written for Ms Ross. When he fumbles with the words and can't make a graceful recovery from his misstep, it shows. Oh well, it's not as if he can do anything about the performance, which is why I'm never fond of single artist themes since they never fail to inadvertently screw up some contestants.

Randy Randy claims that Brandon has "reverted back" to being a background singer. I agree but in this case, I don't think I can blame Brandon since he has to sing what he is told to sing. Randy Randy likes it when Brandon tries for some glory notes towards the end because on this show, glory notes are always good. Miss Paula talks about nerves to justify Brandon's faults and claims that are "many things" that he did right, although she never elaborates on what those things are. King Tut agrees about Randy Randy's assessment of Brandon as a background singer, calling the performance predictable and devoid of "star quality". "Absolutely not good enough, sorry," he says. I agree. I suspect, however, that Brandon choosing that overperformed song is what really kills him in the first place. It already works against him when it comes to getting people to care for his performance because it's something they have heard so many times on this show. The fact that he performs awkwardly only seals the deal. Sleazie comes out to says in insincere sympathy that Brandon has "taken a beating" from the judges and sneakily asks Brandon to elaborate on why the performance sucks. Brandon helps him by saying that the performance didn't go well once he began forgetting the words to the song. These two talk some more before Sleazie tells people how to vote for Brandon.

Sleazie's on the stool with Melinda "Doobedood'ndoobe Doobedood'ndoobe" Doolittle and tells everyone that there is a new reason to visit the official website nakedchriswantsyou.com: you can ask the contestants questions and presumably they will answer these questions. What are you waiting for? This is your chance to ask Chris what his gender really is. Sleazie asks the perpetually stunned-looking Melinda a question from somebody from Georgia. What does Melinda consider "the hardest part of this contest"? Melinda looks even more stunned as she takes a deep breath to answer. No, being mistaken for a forty-year old suburban housewife is not her answer. You people are so cruel. "High heels and these dresses," she says, saying that she's more used to her tennis shoes and sweatpants. Sleazie asks King Tut whether the man has any advice on the high heels and King Tut says that Sleazie's the one who should know about high heels. How sad, it is only now they are trying to come out on TV but at this point, nobody cares anymore because everybody knows. Sleazie tells King Tut to stay out of his closet. Randy Randy acts like it's so shocking that these two are implying that the other person is gay on TV, no doubt secretly jealous that nobody cares about him enough to speculate about his sex life. "I'm out!" says King Tut. It's quite embarrassing that only now does the show put King Tut and Sleazie through a canned script about how they are all gay only to come up with something as unoriginal as "stay out of my closet". Can't they come up with something better to hijack Melinda Doolittle's ten minutes on this show?

In her video, Melinda says that she is "an old-school Motown girl". I know. I can tell. Miss Ross is "huge" to Melinda. I know. I can tell. Miss Ross tells Melinda that she has heard so much about Melinda and even Melinda doesn't believe that. Melinda explains her song choice, Home, as a good representation of her experiences so far on this show. What, she wants to go home, is that what's she saying, since that song has lines like "Maybe there's a chance for me to go back there/Now that I have some direction/It would sure be nice to be back home"? Miss Ross says that the audience will believe Melinda when she sings her song. Well, if that is the case, Melinda will surely regret it when she gets sent home like she clearly wants to be in her song then, right?

As usual, when Melinda sings, her star-struck wallflower persona melts away as she seems to gain this strident confidence when she sings, a confidence that seems missing when she's off the stage. Unfortunately, as usual, her performance is too sharp with too many moments of vibrato that I find rather discordant on my ears. She has a good voice but I find her singing a little too "hard". Her enunciations are too harsh and sharp and overall the performance is like hammers knocking on my head. There is just too much volume and too much in-your-face vibrato for me. I appreciate her singing but I never warm up to it so far on this show.

Her "You love me? I can't believe it!" persona is back the moment the performance ends and I suspect that Melissa will really grate on me as the season progresses because I will want to sit her down and tell her to stop acting so stunned and awe-struck for once. Randy Randy doesn't think the performance is his favorite but he finds it "hot" nonetheless. Miss Paula babbles as she starts crying because her meds are kicking in too early. Her PA will be looking for a new pharmacist soon, I suspect. It's hilarious though to see the crazy woman crying as if she has just learned that Melinda has eaten her cat or something. "This is it for you! This is it for you!" Miss Paula babbles in what could be considered a menacing threat if it isn't batdung crazy Miss Paula we are talking about here, "You're soaring high!" I suspect that Melinda isn't the one who is soaring high in this particular scene. King Tut, clearly laughing at Miss Paula's expense, calms down long enough to tell Melinda that she made a boring song fantastic and she reminds him of a young Gladys Knight. "Very, very good!" he concludes. Meanwhile, there are about a thousand close-ups on Melinda's immobile "Oh my god, I'm so shocked!" face, which would be moving if she doesn't look like that all the time. Sleazie and Melinda discuss "sensory overload" and calls Miss Paula an "artist", which earns a nasty laugh from King Tut. Miss Paula answers without irony that Melinda must have experienced an "out of body" experience on stage.

Next, the Muppet that ate Godzilla and Japan in one gulp, Chris "Work That Body" Sligh. Miss Ross says that her first impression of Chris is that he's coming to eat her. No, wait, that's not it. She says that Chris seems "a little bit nervous". Cue Chris saying that he is not nervous at all, heh. Look, they even have the same hair! Chris has usual has plenty of things to say, revealing to Miss Ross that his song choice is Endless Love "with a different feel" - more gelatinous blubber, maybe - and he'll let Miss Ross see how she likes it. "I'm sure I will," says Miss Ross as she looks away, looking like she's worried that he's going to eat her. Chris says to the camera that he has changed the chords a bit. Cut to Miss Ross telling him to "aim for the heart" and "find the melody" of the song. Translation: stop ruining my song, you fat white bitch. Miss Ross tells the camera in a diplomatic but unmistakable manner that Miss Sligh is singing the melody all wrong which is how Miss Ross knows that Miss Sligh is not singing from the heart OH THAT FAT WHITE BITCH.

Chris gets on stage and reprises his "Justin Guarini in a fat suit" act, complete with creepy eye looks at the camera and all. He's swaying his shoulders up and down while looking at the camera from hooded eyelids like he's going to eat me as he croons in his faux-Josh Groban way, "My first love..." Oh god, call Frodo, I'm being stalked by Gollum's fat brother! His performance has no substance, no support behind his volume, and he sounds like he's half-drunk in a karaoke party.

Randy Randy likes best the part where the performance sounds like Coldplay's Speed Of Sound. He likes Chris' voice but finds the performance a mess. Miss Paula finds that Chris was trying too hard to be hip and cool in that performance. I personally like the arrangement after listening to the performance three times - Chris has actually done a pretty good faster and more contemporary version of a song that I usually find too sentimental and slow. And, you know, it's a Diana Ross (and Lionel Ritchie) song. It is stupid to expect a male contestant to sing the song exactly like Miss Ross. It's the singing that kills the performance, what with Chris' soulless imitation of the style of Great White Male Tenors and all. But the judges clearly want to show an upstart the danger of crossing Miss Ross so King Tut also accuses Chris of "murdering" a "beautiful song". Whatever. I'd take Chris' version (performed by someone better than him) over that overly sweet original version of that song any day. King Tut scores a pretty brutal line on Chris when he tells Chris to keep his glasses on. Get it? Shortsighted Chris? Sleazie and Chris discuss how Chris never expected to sing a Miss Ross song but Chris blames the arrangement rather than the singing. Oh yes, blame the instrument and the arrangement. The tuneless "lo-ooo-ove!" dronings are pure gold.

Sleazie stands among the ladies in the audience, perhaps hoping to blend in with the scenery and discuss lip gloss with them, and announces that coming up next is Gina "Lovin' Livin' And Givin'" Glocksen who is still counting her lucky stars that this season is so devoid of talent that she gets to make it this far this time around. She acts star-struck around Miss Ross in her clip. By this time Miss Ross has what seems to be a permanent grimace on her face. She must be planning to break a few clipboards over the heads of those people who suggested that she'd have a great time playing mentor on this show. Gina tells Miss Ross that her song choice is Love Child because that's the song she was singing when she was four and her parents saw the tape of her performance and went, "Do you know what that song is about?" Of course she doesn't. There's nothing as sweet to watch as a four-year old singing lines like "My father left, he never even married mama/I shared the guilt my mama knew" while the father and mother in question were watching with mouths wide open in disbelief. Gina chuckles, finding the story funny. Miss Ross continues to make that grimace as she moves away from Gina. Miss Ross tells the camera that Gina has an "incredible vocal ability". Cue Gina singing about how she is an illegitimate daughter of who-knows-who. Miss Ross however is concerned about Gina's "pronunciation". Translation: "Stop trying to be so ghetto, you cheap-ass white girl, don't you know who I am, bitch?" Gina tells the camera that Miss Ross told her to view the song as a "story" and "not to leave any words out".

Dressed up in some outfit and a big necklace that make her look like a thirty-year old woman who should know better than to be obsessed with Kelly Cluckson, Gina struts out on stage to perform a lackluster version of that song. She starts out rather atonal but she soon starts to get into the rhythm, so to speak, by shouting out the lines of the song during the chorus. She's either sounding flat or shouting too much in this performance. And just like Miss Ross fears, it's hard to make out what she's singing other than "LOVE CHILD! LOVE CHILD!" Ugh, this is horrible.

Randy Randy repeats his "not my favorite" and "pitchy" and "doesn't feel it" thing. Miss Paula says that the song is "exciting" and "feel good" but Gina was shouting too much. The pronunciation and pitch were off too, she says. I'm surprised that Miss Paula actually paid attention to the performance instead of riding the rails of the choo-choo train to Wonderland in her head. King Tut says that the performance wasn't terrible but it wasn't fantastic so he couldn't think of anything to say other than the performance was "okay". Yeah, it rhymes. King Tut's a poet that way. But he does have plenty to say, going on to add that he can't say much about the performance other than it was the right song choice but a forgettable performance. Or something. Gina joins Sleazie in babbling about nothing before Sleazie tells people how to vote for Gina.

Sleazie strikes a dramatic gentlemanly pose beside King Tut while King Tut pretends to be interested in the pills stuck in Miss Paula's cleavage. As Sleazie babbles, he takes a look at King Tut who's not looking his way and he clenches his hand into a fist which he brings down onto the table even as his pleasant expression doesn't change on his face. I can't keep up with these two men anymore. They are either loving or hating each other and there is no rhyme or reason to their relationship and frankly, after six years, I'm tired of them. Just release the home video already!

Next up is Sanjaya "The Force Behind The Power" Malakar who still looks like he has never met a comb that doesn't run away screaming from him. Miss Ross says to the camera that she loves Sanjaya when she first sees him and asks him for a hug. Careful, Miss Ross, I hear this was how the whole crazy thing began with Michael Jackson. Sanjaya in his "I am a sixty-five year old pervert" voice says that having Miss Ross mentor him is like having Van Gogh teach him how to paint. If that means Miss Ross is telling Sanjaya to cut off his ears before he sings, I'm all for it as long as she tells him to cut his hair as well. Miss Ross says that Sanjaya started Ain't No Mountain High Enough "right off the bat" with "no bars to set it up". Is that her way of saying that Sanjaya just goes on and on without anyone stopping him? Hold me, I'm scared. Sanjaya says that Miss Ross told him to "move around". Translation: "Get away from me, bitch. Don't you know who I am? I need breathing room STAT!" He then talks about feeling "it" in his body and Miss Soul says that she's going to get some "soul" in "there". This reenaction of When Michael Meets Diana spirals down the grotesque path until finally Miss Ross announces that Sanjaya has "winning ingredient" which supposedly is his "spirit". Or "hair". Whatever.

Out comes Sanjaya, channeling Miss Paula's most famous Idol ex-boyfriend as he tunelessly sings as if he's gnashing his teeth at the same time. Seriously, this is the season of the greasy-haired mop attack. What is this? On the bright side, this atrocious performance has me laughing until my sides ache. There is no support behind the reedy voice. I half-expect him to keel over dead during this performance because that's how lifeless he sounds.

Randy Randy giggles and says that he can't think of anything to say other than the performance "wasn't any good". Talk about an understatement. Randy Randy says that the song was "almost unlistenable". Now that's something I can agree with! He consoles Sanjaya by saying that the hair is "rocking". Well, if the hair can sing, I'd bet it will sound better than Sanjaya. Maybe we can find some kind of middle ground by booting this fellow but making the other contestants wear wigs resembling his hair. That will be fine, right? Everyone wins, right? Miss Paula calls Sanjaya "the sweetest soul" that "warms people's heart" (read: her heart) and advises Sanjaya to "explode" and "jump out". She's babbling about singing, just to make this clear. King Tut thinks that Miss Ross will wail when she sees the performance because the only thing similar is the hairstyle. When he's booed by the audience, King Tut says half-heartedly that at least Sanjaya is "brave" to be on stage. Sleazie tries to get Sanjaya to say something interesting to spice up things and he bites the bait, saying that he has no idea what King Tut was saying about when the man went on about wails and all. I'd chalk that up to the failure of the education system. Sleazie chimes in to point out that it's "wail" and not "whale" which makes King Tut laugh and Sleazie to give him a brief look so full of love and adoration that I find myself thinking those two men would be so cute together if they aren't so determined to be cynical and all. Sleazie gets Sanjaya to say that the greasy-haired Moppet believes that he deserves to be here the following week before telling people how to vote for Sanjaya.

Sleazie's back at the stool with Haley "Take Me Higher" Scarnato. Sleazie reads out some sad person's question for Haley. What's the craziest place Haley has ever sung at? Is it just me or do you think the original question probably has a different verb from "sing"? Haley says that the craziest place she has ever sung at is this very place. I agree. I mean, it is crazy that someone as tuneless as Haley gets to sing here, right? Aren't these contestants interesting? I can listen to their babbles all day long, I tell you.

Miss Ross, face still in that permanent grimace, is now visibly shuddering from the effort of forcing herself not to run screaming from the show as she welcomes Haley to the mock mentor session. Haley explains that her song is Missing You and as she sings to Miss Ross, Miss Ross tells the camera that Haley has a voice made for the recording studio (translation: "Eat Autonote machine, bitch!") because Haley's voice is "too much inside". Both women go on and on about how this song will give Haley a chance to show her inner soul or something that Miss Paula usually babbles about when she's on her usual acid trip.

Haley starts off seated when she goes into a whispery-coo rendition of the first verse. She's trying to recapture that "morning after an earthshattering shag" tone that Miss Ross had in the original recording but she cannot fully control her pitch so an odd and hilariously off bleat manages to sneak in here and there. She completely goes off-key when she stands up to sing and ends up delivering a beautifully horrific trainwreck of a bleating off-key performance. She finally manages to find the correct key in the last few seconds of her performance. Of course, by that time it's too late to salvage anything.

Randy Randy calls the performance a valiant one and blames Haley's performance on nerves. Miss Paula uses the usual "But you're so pretty!" opening before mentioning pitch and other things that have run away from Haley and are not coming back anytime soon. King Tut however doesn't find the performance "that bad" because he has now warmed up to her and thinks that she has "presence up there". Where, on her chest? Because that's what he seems to be saying, hmm. Then again, this is the same man that insisted that Kellie Pickler was all that because she was such a cute dim-witted calamari-suckling moron. King Tut says that clearly Haley's nerves got the better of her. Does this mean that Haley is the designated favorites of the dirty old men running this show? Haley pulls out the pageant gal tears that every contestant worth her salt has practiced producing on cue before the mirror prior to coming on to this show as Sleazie joins her in showing off what the years in the pageant circuit have taught them. Haley continues to channel Mikalah Gordon type of antics on stage, only she's trying to be cute rather than trying to get attention, which won't be that bad if she's 16 and not, as her official biography claims to be, 24.

Sleazie pimps out an old woman he calls his "Nana" by telling her that he has no time to listen to her speak before introducing Phil "Let's Go Up" Stacey who still looks like Ace Young after Ace has donated his hair to Sanjaya. Miss Ross discreetly checks her hands for germs after shaking hands with Phil as Phil tells the camera that he has not much "gameplan" when he meets Miss Ross, he only wants to get the song right. Cue him straining his voice to breaking point as Miss Ross shakes her head. But it's a good kind of head-shaking, Miss Ross explains to the camera, because hearing Phil apparently gets her thinking back to the time when she was performing I'm Gonna Make You Love Me with Marvin Gaye. How nice. She advises him to look at the audience and see them as "real people" in order to get into the "right mindset" for the performance. There's nothing like seeing three overweight old women in Klingon bling-bling and low-cut dresses waving "Marry me, Phil!" signs to boost a young man's confidence up!

So out comes Phil on stage, still looking like Uncle Fester on the Atkins Diet, still sounding pleasant if forgettable, and still looking like the most awkward white guy ever pretending to be black. How cute, some fellow from his family holds up a sign of Phil's baby and the sentence saying that the baby's voting for Daddy. Nothing like child exploitation to make this show more heartwarming, I tell you. Next week, the baby in question crawls through shards of glass to reach for an AT&T wireless service brochure!

Randy Randy finds the performance a little boring but the vocals were good. I agree, it's just that poor Phil isn't the most charismatic person on stage. Miss Paula agrees with Randy Randy. King Tut finds the song choice appropriate for Phil but Phil tends to oversing to the point that he shouts too much at times. Again, I agree. I want to like Phil, I really do, because he has the best voice of all the male contestants here but I often cannot remember that he's on the show at all until he's on the TV screen and I cannot stand his creepy eyebrows. As he stands beside Sleazie, he looks like a Boy George impersonator because my goodness, it looks like someone has smacked his face with a make-up shovel. All that red!

As we continue with this season's Parade of the Homely, Sleazie introduces LaKisha "Voice Of The Heart" Jones who predictably claims to be so deliriously happy to meet Miss Ross. She asks Miss Ross to call her Kiki and Miss Ross' grimace remains etched on her face. LaKisha explains that her song choice, God Bless The Child, is one that she has never sung before. She hadn't even looked at the lyrics until the last minute. Miss Ross explains to the camera how LaKisha gets to perform a song by Billie Holliday that she clearly is not familiar with on Diana Ross night by pointing out that the song was in one of Miss Ross' movies, The Lady Sings The Blues. That makes it alright then, I suppose. Miss Ross praises LaKisha for thinking of her approach to the performance because LaKisha suggests some things that Miss Ross didn't think of first.

LaKisha brings on some old-school blues as she easily knocks a home-run compared to the other performances tonight with a song that suits her husky voice perfectly. After all, she's made to sing old-school blues, no? Bless the LaKisha. She's very good tonight.

Randy Randy praises the song choice, outfit, and "unbelievable vocals". He calls her performance "sensational" and commends her for not oversinging. Miss Paula babbles pretty much the same thing. King Tut says that she's got "it", saying that the "quality difference" between LaKisha and Melinda and the rest is obvious, especially when LaKisha performs like a star without coming off as intimidated by the stage. How nice. Now watch as one of them gets kicked off within the following weeks. Yes, I'm cynical. It's that obvious, huh?

Sleazie now sits on the stool with the designated Boyish Asexual Himbo You Must Love, Blake "Chain Reaction" Lewis. Of course I don't really care for him. I'm too old and too wise to fall for the charms of such obvious pin-up material. He'd be a shoo-in for the Monkees if he's born back in those days. Since S Club 7 isn't hiring, Blake has to settle for this show. I do not want to run my hands over his stubble or anything, so there. Sleazie asks Blake a question from a loser. What music does Blake listen to in his spare time? Clearly the stupid loser who asks this question must be impossibly dumb if this loser can surf to the official website and yet fail to read about Blake's musical preferences on his contestant page. At any rate, Blake says that he loves "underground hip-hop, electronic, common market", and other UK-centric music that the church ladies and housewives currently going breathless over him have no clue about. Then again, picturing someone like Blake in a Buddha bar boggles my mind because this guy looks more like the president of the Chess Club in school rather than an Ibiza lounge lizard. Looks can be deceiving, I suppose. Not that I'm intrigued or anything. I am above such superficial emotions. I mean, his favorite artist of all time is Michael Jackson. How embarrassing for him.

Blake demonstrates his kung-fu computer magic on this show to get all those women watching this show to squeal about what a super genius he is. Everything looks so cool and Buddha bar awesome until he launches into You Keep Me Hanging On in front of Miss Ross and I give a shriek of laughter at how ridiculous he sounds. Miss Ross says that Blake is making that song fresh and contemporary so she loves it, better than she loves Chris, I suppose.

Jamiroquai dancing straight out of the video of Virtual Insanity? Check. Hilariously nasal singing? Check. This performance is pure hilarity, even funnier than, say, someone setting fire on a bus with the members of Westlife trapped in it or something. Which is why I want Blake to stay for a long time. Not that I find him hot or anything, he's just too funny in a bad trainwreck way. Oh, alright, he's kinda cute if I squint a little. There, you happy now? The singing is excruciatingly bad and godawfully hilarious, especially when he's acting like the emo prince of the century while singing so comedically terribly. Oh, Blake is too funny. He, the two Chrises, and Phil should get together to form a musical comedy act or something. I tell you, I shriek in laughter at that point when he tries to be sexy and coos, "Um... nanana... nothin' I can do about it!"

Randy Randy diplomatically says that Blake doesn't have to change the song that drastically but he believes the vocals are pretty good. Miss Paula agrees with Randy Randy but says that Blake did better than Chris because Blake "worked it out" and she'd hit it. Or something. King Tut however doesn't get the performance at all. He thinks that even Blake won't like his own performance because that arrangement is completely wrong in King Tut's opinion. Still, he says that Blake isn't going anywhere. Blake is like Sleazie's uglier little brother and they make such an adorable couple while standing side by side as Blake expresses no regrets over his actions. True, let's face it, Blake isn't going anywhere for a long, long time because he's a guy and therefore he has more overinvested crazy fans than any female contestant can ever dream of having.

Wow, Sleazie squeezes himself between King Tut and Miss Paula at the judges' table and Miss Paula looks like she's pretending to be Sleazie's ventriloquist dummy or something. She's a natural in that role, I tell you. Anyway, the four dummies reveal that Stephanie "I'm Still Waiting" Edwards is next.

Stephanie is still pretty boring in her introductory clip as she reveals her song choice to be Love Hangover and Miss Ross advises her to sing in a more "sexy" manner. Miss Ross also thinks that Stephenie reminds her of herself in those younger days.

Fortunately, Stephanie isn't boring when she's singing. She's oversinging Love Hangover to an extent but it's a smooth and very listenable performance. I feel that her voice is perfect for this song. I like this performance although the oversinging makes me wince sometimes.

Randy Randy finds the performance decent - it was right song choice for her but he finds the performance boring because there aren't enough high notes. Miss Paula and King Tut agree. Personally, I can't imagine how unbearable this performance will be if Stephanie shrieks all over the place like these judges want her to. King Tut gives the same old "there can be only one diva" bull that he does every time by telling Stephanie that LaKisha and Melinda outsang her. Divas can't coexist on this show, you know.

Chris R tries not to be too starstruck when he meets Miss Ross but who are we fooling here, really. Chris R reveals that his song choice is The Boss and Miss Ross tells him to look at her because he's acting so shy and coy. No, I don't find him cute although I think he looks like the cuter brother of Kevin Covais. Did I say "cuter"? A slip of tongue, I assure you.

Aptly enough in one of those Ripley's Believe It Or Not moments, Chris R's voice fits this song like a glove. He is fabulous here, more soulful than any other guy here, and he gets me and the house moving. Oh hush, you people. He's not my Elliott Yamin of this season. He's not! Although I reserve the right to change my mind in a few weeks' time, of course. Oh, alright, he's cute and I adore him. Happy now, people? I'm trying not to get too invested because I suspect Blake and Chris will outlast him.

Randy Randy thinks Chris R overdid things a little in the performance and he doesn't like it that much, maybe because Chris R doesn't sound like Diana Ross. Miss Paula correctly says that Chris R pulled off his song better than the other guys who tried too hard to do... well, whatever they thought they were doing. King Tut says that the performance, minus the charm and personality of Chris R, was dreadful. Whatever. King Tut likes Kellie Pickler so by all means I can also like Chris R without shame.

And finally, the Lolita of the show, Jordin "The Best Years Of My Life" Sparks. Predictably, Jordin chooses the most girlish song one can choose from Miss Ross' backlist: that The Land Before Time song If We Hold On Together. I find that movie more traumatizing than Bambi and I never fail to choke up every time I hear that song, so if you want me to feel like a completely sad person who needs a life, play that song and watch me choke up inside. Miss Ross thinks that Jordin is "gorgeous" but has problems getting the audience to relate to her. She's 17, of course she'll have problems getting the audience to relate to her, sheesh.

Jordin on paper chooses a perfect song as it's a crowd-pleasing ballad which can do no wrong. Jordin on stage nails the performance in a way that is near perfect - just enough nuances to make people think that she has range without oversinging too much. In a way, I find this performance as good as LaKisha's because this is how a teen princess should sound like without coming off as too robotic. She's fabulous tonight.

Randy Randy claims that he has her pegged since day one and she's now officially in the running with Melinda and LaKisha. Okay, now watch as two of them get kicked off in the coming weeks and I hit the wine cabinet shortly after. Miss Paula claims not to be familiar with the song although I don't know why since it's the perfect song to play in the background when she's sobbing into her bottle while blindly groping for the pills that have fallen onto the floor. Miss Paula of course is full of love for Jordin. King Tut finds the performance "a little bit gooey" - has he listened to the original version of the song which is a zillion times more syrupy? - and agrees with the others. Jordin has proven herself tonight. Or something.

Sleazie rattles off Jordin's number, recaps the night, and brings the curtains down.

Results night. Sleazie's back in his familiar black-and-white ensemble and his "Don't touch me there!" pose as he talks about someone getting cut at the end of the show to launch another zillion conspiracy theories from that loser's fans. Are we ready for the drama? Sleazie wants to know. And with that, credits.

The camera zooms in on some has-beens in the audience, including Paris, before letting Sleazie's shiny white teeth sparkle on stage. Sleazie fills the empty pointlessness of the moment by introducing the judges and recapping the night before.

And then, the group performance. Chris R and Phil start off with Where Did Our Love Go? like two serial killers performing on Death Row Idol. Blake joins in the comedy, followed by Sanjaya as the guys all form a buttock-wiggling train (without standing too close, of course, because that will be too gay even for this show). I feel so embarrassed for these guys because it's like watching a parody of Solid Gold. Only Brandon escapes with his dignity intact while the other emo/smarm brigade guys miss the memo which says that it is utterly impossible not to look ridiculous when you're trying to pull a Conty Bint at the camera while singing a song like Where Did Our Love Go? Dude, even the Village People cannot pull that off!

Jordin kicks off Baby Love. Is this where I say, "Bitch, you ain't no Trenyce!"? Aww, I miss Trenyce. She owned Motown songs in season two like nobody's business. Melinda is no Trenyce either. In fact, her voice is all wrong for the song. She's an Aretha Franklin scream-until-you-scream-back kind of belter. She's not Diana Ross' type. As for Gina, oh my god. I miss Trenyce. LaKisha, however, nails her part very nicely. I still miss Trenyce, sigh. Haley's no Trenyce either but Stephanie is... well, close but no cigar.

All Twelve then sing a few lines of the chorus of Stop In The Name Of Love before the ladies step out with a guy they are paired with to chastise them while singing the verse. It's silly and pointless just the way these group performances always are, heh. Then they get together and screech the chorus one more time before doing an utterly tragic group pose thing to end one of the worst group performances in the history of the show. I suspect the people at Vote For The Worst must be spoiled for choices this season were Sanjaya not such an obvious choice with his unwarranted bravado and zilch talent to back up his presence on the show. Michael Rapaport and Anita Barone are among the audience to promote War At Home, by the way. They look like they wish to be anywhere but where they are.

Ford clip time. The Twelve perform Modest Mouse's Float On as they dress up like Beatnix hippies and ghetto gangstas. All I can say is please stab me with a pitchfork until I bleed to death because that is a far kinder fate than having to watch Blake dressed up like some street gangsta. It's like that loser from that Offspring song Pretty Fly For A White Guy all over again without the self-awareness to make such a sight palatable. Meanwhile, someone has gone crazy with the lipstick on the guys. Clearly this show hasn't just retained Mary Roach in the make-up department, they are letting her make executive decisions during this season.

Sleazie now pimps the official website r-u-4-sanjaya.com before pulling Brandon and Phil to the Dais. Then comes the weekly Challenge where Sleazie asks a question and you can win all kinds of prizes like Kewpie's used thongs, Ruben's half-eaten hamburger, and Taylor Hicks CDs. The question this week is... ta-dum, who did King Tut predict will sell zillions of albums, Kelly, Cattle, or Taylor? Is it just me or putting Taylor in there is a nicely wicked middle finger from the show, given how he's applying for the position of Chris Daughtry's chauffeur at this very moment? The answer is Cattle, of course, by the way.

It's now time for Miss Ross to croak More Today Than Yesterday from her new CD I Love You. She shows up in a blinding red oh-so-typically Miss Ross outfit. The song is dull, I find, and therefore the performance isn't so exciting either. Unlike most guest performers, however, Miss Ross proves that she can somewhat still deliver. Then she and Sleazie pretend to care for the Twelve before we finally get back to business. Who will join Phil and Brandon, Haley or Sanjaya? Sanjaya turns out to be the third leg of the Bottom Three. Naturally, Sanjaya is safe because that's how the worm always turns on this show so Brandon is sent home way too early.

Brandon gets to pretend that he's had fun in his "You've been DAUGHTRIED!!!" clip and that his dreams will never die. Brandon says that he has no hard feelings and sings for a few seconds before this show kicks him back to obscurity.

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