Hemorrhage
American Idol 5: Episode 15


Women's Round | Men's Round | Results

Eeeeee! Wednesday

Ten guys stand on the Podium. On a normal day, they would be considered rather mediocre examples of male hotness but since we are talking about this show where for some bizarre reasons androgynous neurotic twigs and twitchy fat guys are considered hotter than hot by legions of uniformly weird housewives all over America, I suppose this parade of ten guys can be considered hardcore pornography, American Idol-style. As the camera moves past these hot studs, Sleazie stands a safe distance from such magnetic examples of masculine perfection to babble about how the audience watching this show can pick one of these studs as their newest CBILF. CB stands for Church Boy and I'm sure you know what ILF stands for. Sleazie says that anything can happen in this episode and the credits roll.

Out onto the Podium steps Ryan "The OC" Sleazebag looking pretty good today with a jersey over a pink shirt and a coat to match. Sleaze says that because the guys are choosing their own songs today, there will be a "variety" on this show that I won't find on any other show. I'm tempted to say that he's lying until I realize he's right, at least when it comes to the sorry state of MTV today. Damn, I hate it when Sleazie is right and looking so pretty to boot in the process.

Some lines are showing on his forehead though. I'm worried. What could have caused Sleazie to miss his regular trips to his favorite Botox buddy? King Tut seems like the type who hates it when his loverboys get old and wrinkly so I can't imagine he'll not rag endlessly on Sleazie for letting himself go like this. Sleazie must seriously tighten up on his beauty regiments because those lines can give his face a semblance of character and I'm sure we all don't want that. On the other hand, what used to be dimples framing his mouth are now two painful-looking jutting folds of skin that look like they will just tear from the effort of Sleazie opening his mouth so widely like that... wait, is that why... never mind, let's just move on.

Sleazie introduces the guys and Taylor once more takes the opportunity to hold himself as he convulses into a Taylor Hicks-induced orgasm on TV. And here I am thinking that I've become stronger after watching Kewpie's various facial tics on close-up during the second season, shudder. I need a hug, people. Sleazie then recaps the show of the previous night (the only thing that stands out is how Melissa is said to have made the wrong song choice when clearly two judges praised her for making the right song choice - poor Melissa, she never has a chance on this show) before he introduces the judges. Randy "The DP" Randy! Miss "The OD" Paula! King "The VD" Tut! King Tut wiggles his eyebrows at Sleazie as Sleazie grins at him. Miss Paula immediately starts shoving at King Tut because she's attention-starved and dumb that way. By the way, you can always tell when the guys are performing because she's wearing a cleavage-baring "Dinner time, boys!" gold dress today compared to the brownish sack she was wearing the night before.

Sleazie and the judges "banter" in a silly scene that culminates with King Tut saying that at least the judges don't require their lines to be written for them. Is that his way of telling Sleazie that he knows how often Sleazie is faking it? Besides, who needs a script when the three judges use the same limited set of ten or so phrases on every episode? Sleazie reads my mind with eerie accuracy when he lobs back at King Tut, saying that King Tut doesn't need a script because all he says every episode are "ghastly", "horrible", and "nightmare". Oh dear, clearly that are intimacy issues between those two men that are spilling over onto their professional lives. I want to know more! Was Sleazie mortally offended when King Tut critiqued his performance the night before? Is his saying that King Tut's vocabulary is limited some veiled reference to King Tut's unimaginative performance routine?

Like the night before, the contestants will talk in their clip about their best experiences so far on the show. G-rated experiences, of course, so there will be no mention of Chris and Taylor getting Kevin all drunk and tied up naked high on a flagpole. Taylor kicks off the show and talks about how great it is to be recognized by strangers. Of course he loves it since such recognition only makes him realize that it is only normal that when he hugs himself, he experiences divine pleasure. He talks some more about utterly insipid matters mostly revolving about how great he finds himself. So basically, yes, the high point in Taylor's experience so far is Taylor Hicks himself. Lovely.

His song is the Commodores' Easy, although in his case he's more in need of Ex-Lax than ease because as he usual he goes into a half-hump, clenches his right fist, and glares creepily at the camera as he sings about how he is easy like Sunday mornings. His singing is fine but I feel like cringing when I see him perform. He's so ridiculously corny, I don't get his appeal at all.

Randy Randy correctly deduces that Taylor has performed that song many times before and Taylor admits it. Randy Randy doesn't think it was his best performance but he likes it. Miss Paula loves Taylor because he's a guy and she's programmed to love guys. King Tut nails him for taking the wrong song choice and being stuck in a bubble or something like that. "It's a really average performance," he says. Ah, but if Taylor is cute, that shouldn't matter, right, Mr Kellie's Biggest Fan? Taylor babbles insipidly to Sleazie about how he loves Ray Charles and hence his song choice. Poor Taylor. When he's not twitching like a constipated fellow so in pain that the whole toilet is about to explode, he's a singular dull and flat fellow with no discernable personality on the show. Oh, I know, his fans will flame me, saying that Taylor writes real music that only they have heard in some imaginary club performance in the days of yore, blah blah blah, but until I hear for myself all this great music of deep significance and depths that his more insane fans keep trumpeting about all over the place, I'll hesitate to believe that Taylor has this deep reservoir of personality waiting to be unleashed on the public. Why is he keeping this personality a secret on the show? It doesn't make sense.

Apparently Elliott and Sleazie are discussing how Sleazie's shins are exposed because the camera catches them in the Red Room with Sleazie pulling down the leg of his pants and asking Elliott whether his shin is now covered. I don't know what to say. I mean, why is Elliott looking at Sleazie's legs? The idea of those two are comparing legs to see who has hairier legs or something make me want to giggle like a silly girl. Sleazie asks Elliott about song choice which is pointless since there is nothing Elliott can answer to that question other than to say that he's happy with his choice. That is what he says, of course. Elliott also wishes his brother Scott a happy birthday. Hi, Scott! Who do you think has hairier legs, Sleazie or Elliott? In his clip, Elliott trots out his mother because mothers are very nice accessories on this show to add to the illusion that you're a good son, just like how it's also important to mention Jesus here and there to let the electorate know that you are a Republican Baptist.

Oh dear, apparently his mother ended up in the ICU while he was at the workshop, which went a long way in explaining why he didn't want to practice but instead flirt with Brenna, of course. Of course, Elliott then gets plenty of positive energy by the late stage of the workshop so it's more power to him all the way, baby. Do you get this, people? The canonization of St Elliott has begun. Many people will only see that his mother was in the ICU and he had to overcome great trials and tribulations to survive a gruelling workshop, and that's why they will vote for him. Later they will learn that he's deaf in one ear and diabetic so they will imagine a pleasant fantasy where a crippled Elliott will be forced to depend on them for love and all while they of course will love him back generously as they exorcise their love affair for a crippled martyr in their minds over the buttons of their phone.

It's a good thing therefore that Monkey Boy can sing. He takes on James Moody's Moody's Mood For Love, a song that I always find endearing in how it features the singer's name so prominently in its title. Maybe one day I will get Elliott Yamin's Yamin's Yummy Yum Yum Of Love. And oh my, then he opens his mouth to sing and... talk about yummy yum yum indeed. This is the first time I actually sit up and listen to this fellow because I'm really liking what I hear from Monkey Boy here. I love how he manages to pull of the runs with deceptive ease and I just adore how he manages to make the performance seem flirty when it's clear that he's very nervous standing there on the Podium. His voice stumbles here and there, mostly likely due to his nerves getting the better of him, but on the whole he's fabulous. I've seen many people sing soulful stuff on this show but Elliott is the first fellow to me that actually sings like he believes in the whole romantic-schmooze soul thing. I feel like that lady in Killing Me Softly With His Song - sitting here watching Elliott perform, I feel like he's making poetry by strumming on every one of my heartstrings. Who is this charming young man and where did he come from again?

Miss Paula is jumping up and down on her seat when the performance ends. Watching her, Taylor must be thinking, "Damn, she knows my secret to achieving tao via self-love! Who told, damn it!" Randy Randy talks about Elliott's "natural gift" because when it comes to Elliott, clearly his storyline is going to be him being some wunderkind described in terms of "special", "gifted", and "blessed", words usually reserved for winners of the Special Olympics, with constant camera close-ups on That Mother Who Nearly Died. Randy Randy then stands up to applaud Elliott for the first time this season, which isn't much considering that we are only two episodes into the real performance stages of this competition, snort. It's a good thing that Elliott can sing me into a fluttery sigh because the whole "Saint Elliott, Your Tear-Stricken Martyr" baggage attached to him can be tiresome. Miss Paula mentions "Mr Stevie Wonder" and "pow, pow, pow, pow!" and she can't wait until Elliott does something to top that performance. Ooh, Monkey Boy and "top" in the same sentence. Oh no, I'm not going there, people. I'm not Miss Paula, so there. King Tut on the other can always be counted to put the kibosh on the canonization. He likes that Elliott is becoming more confident and his voice is certainly up to standard, but he feels that Elliott will need a different kind of song to "nail" the competition. Oh, whatever. Elliott can sing the alphabet song and I suspect I'll still swoon. Elliott is nervous - he pretty much babbles the first thing that enters his head to Sleazie and his sentence just runs on and on as he loses focus of his original train of thought and goes off-tangent. Bless him.

In the Red Room, Sleazie touches hands with Ace as Ace calls him "bro". Sleazie looks briefly stunned, like he's about to burst into tears because guys like Ace usually call him less flattering names when they see him walking by wearing too much lipstick and hair gel unless he pays them to dance on his lap by the hour. Luckily Sleazie controls himself when all he wants to do is to touch his lips in disbelief and whisper to Ace right before he throws himself into Ace's embrace, "Really? You think of me as your brother? All my life guys either use me selfishly and break my achy breaky heart or see me as not masculine enough to be invited to their naked lumberjack weekend getaways. I believed that I was inadequate... but now, I can see that I... I can be loved! Oh Ace, I love you too! Bro! Bro-ooo-ooo!" Instead, Sleazie and Ace talk about how Ace's brother once performed with Daniel Bedingfield. Tell me I'm not the only one who hears this and wonders, "Oh, Daniel Bedingfield frequents male strip joints?" Anyway, to honor Daniel Bedingfield for, er, performing with his brother, Deuce Young or whatever his name is, Ace will be performing Daniel's If You're Not The One. But first, the introductory clip where he reveals that he always keeps a beanie in his back pocket for his "comfort". What, a roll of Kleenex is too low-class for him or something?

I'm not fond of Daniel Bedingfield's music (I prefer Natasha Bedingfield's kind of music) so it takes me awhile to realize that Ace is singing that particularly annoying sappy song that has been bugging me all this while on the radio. That song is by Daniel Bedingfield? Yucks. The song is a typical slow song where the singer seems to be wheezing his way through his nose. I thought this was a Savage Garden song when I first heard it because of all that falsetto going on. Ace must have chosen this song to highlight the dubious charms of his falsetto. I wonder who told him his falsetto is good because he is horrible here. He's out of tune very often and he sounds like he's singing through a blocked nose when he's not out of tune. His falsetto makes me laugh because it is so shrill that otherwise I'd cry in pain.

The performance soon mercifully ends and Randy Randy says that the song showed off Ace's range and "good voice". He adds vaguely that he feels that Ace can sing better than he "led on". Miss Paula babbles that she'd hit Ace, no, wait, Ace'd hit that. Or something. King Tut feels that Ace struggled with that song and it was a disappointing performance. He then drags the conversation into a judge bickering session while Ace tells Sleazie that he agrees with all the judges but he will stand by his decision, whatever that means. Sleazie, taking any opportunity to shove his hand into the back pocket of a guy, takes out Ace's beanie and puts it over his fist. His nose wrinkles - I think he catches a whiff of that thing, heh - and he quickly suggests that Ace gives the beanie to one of the ladies in the audience. Ace throws it, Melissa wants it, but Brenna grabs it and puts it over her head. Goodness me, why would anyone want to wear something that has been pressed against Ace's greasy behind?

Gedeon in his clip says that his most memorable experience so far is King Tut telling everyone during the workshop episodes that if they forgot the lyrics, they have a 99% chance of going home. Since at least ten people who forgot their words are still here, it's clear that King Tut lied. So is Gedeon saying that the highlight of his exciting adventures so far is King Tut telling a blatant lie? No, his lesson was that he'd never forget his lyrics again. Um, okay, that's nice. It's too bad that he doesn't have any stories of mothers experiencing near-death situations to make his tale more dramatic.

His song is Sam Cooke's A Change Is Gonna Come which was the anthem for the American Civil Rights Movement in the 1960s and is generally considered one of the most important songs ever written. Ooh, now here's another good performance. The vocals are near faultless and the runs and nuances Gedeon puts into the performance are really nicely done. Oh dear, do I have to choose between Gedeon and Elliott? Can I just pick them both as my favorites of this bunch?

Randy Randy thinks that Gedeon is a "natural performer" who did an amazing job especially for someone of his age. Miss Paula presses her hands together and babbles happy things. King Tut however calls Gedeon a "funny little thing" and he can't decide what to make of Gedeon. However, he concedes that Gedeon performs "very brilliantly" when he's channeling Marvin Gaye, Smokey Robinson, Sam Cooke, and other artists King Tut clearly doesn't know the names of but pretends he does. I mean, King Tut calls Marvin Gaye, Sam Cooke, and Smokey Robinson soul artists from the "1930s/1940s". These three men must be really talented to be having big hits in the 1930s/1940s because by 1940, Marvin Gaye would only be one year old and Sam Cooke nine, while Smokey Robinson was born in 1940. King Tut tells Sleazie that Gedeon was really good because he sounded "authentic" and Sleazie admires Gedeon's shoes. I bet Sleazie is just trying to see whether Gedeon's legs are more hairy than his. Oh Gedeon. He looks like a forty-year old man but oh, he can sing to me all day long.

Oh lucky me, Kevin is next. In the Red Room, Sleazie insists that Kevin is the real gangster compared to the posers he's met on the job like Jay-Z and 50 Cents. Wait, I thought Jay-Z and 50 Cents are posers. Anyway, as Kevin and Sleazie do the white-boy "Look, I'm Eminem!" gangsta handshake thing and then bump chests, I suppose I would appreciate the absurdity of setting up the whitest boy that ever lived as a pimp and a gangster on the show if the said white boy in question can actually sing at least decently. Kevin reveals that he will be performing Marvin Gaye's I Heard It From The Grapevine. What a poser. A real pimp would've set the Podium on fire with Sexual Healing and we'll get to see a live case of spontaneous human combustion on TV as Miss Paula gets overexcited and bursts into flames.

Kevin's clip sees him going from being a quiet (and creepy-looking in an uglier Frankie Muniz, Jr way) kid to a more famous celebrity. Well, seeing that he's just one punchline away from becoming William Hung, I won't be so surprised by his newfound fame. I hope he stays away from the scary church ladies who want to check his underpants for signs of his "sinful ways" though - those naughty young groupies are so much nicer to hang out with, I'm sure. Kevin reveals that he is getting "hundreds of emails" from "twelve to thirteen year old girls" saying that he's so cute. Let's hope he never finds out how many of these girls are actually men serving time in prison or creepy grown-ups that have been forbidden by law to work with small children. He concludes by annoucing that he's now a sex symbol and he likes being one. Okay, I change my mind. Let's show him his fanmail from those men serving time in prison.

I really hope Kevin is aware of the absurd circus he is starring in because I hate to imagine that he entertains serious hopes of having a music career like William Hung, that poor sad fool, does. His performance is really laughable. Let's just say that the background vocalists sound much better than he does because the performance is like one bad karaoke session by someone with no vocal range. Kevin should be in a cartoon instead of this show.

The judges continue to humor Kevin because he's their designated cartoon, with Randy Randy lamely saying that Kevin can sing because Kevin went "Ya-aa-ay" for three seconds at the end. Miss Paula doesn't even bother to mention Kevin's singing - she just calls him adorable and cute and therefore the performance was "cute". King Tut tries to inject some sanity by saying that Kevin is likeable but the performance was horrible. But does it matter? Kevin is being set up as the buttmonkey of the show. I fear that he will outstay his welcome thanks to his legion of hopelessly deluded fans and as a result the backlash he will receive from the media will be horrific especially for someone his age. Why is this show setting up this young fellow for a huge fall? The answer is obvious when Sleazie sneakily sneaks in a product placement for the animated movie Chicken Little as a "comparison" to Kevin's "film star looks". Kevin is being kept around as a product placement for a cartoon. I hope he gets a share of the boxoffice proceeds. Sleazie tries to blame Paris for coming up with the description of Chicken Little to describe Kevin. Don't lie, Sleazie. This whole show has stooped to a new low in product placement. What's next? Put in an Autistic fellow who can't sing next season just to promote a movie adaptation of Life Goes On? Sleazie ends this scene by saying that Chicken Little could very well be Chicken Large now as the audience give a scandalized "Eeeee!" I hear Miss Paula stands up and shrieks at Sleazie there and then, "Bitch! How dare you poach from me!" but this show quickly cuts into a commercial break before much tarnish is done on the oh-so family friendly image of this show. My husband, cackling gleefully, suggests that I photoshop Kevin's head onto the body of a naked well-hung porn star and send that image to everybody I know but I value my friends too much to do such a heinous thing to them.

Sleazie's in the Red Room now, promoting the official website kevinisomghuge.com/huge/HUGE/omg.html and saying that we can watch Kevin pose, strip, and dance naked to songs that he has performed so far on this show. Provided that we pay, of course. Don't worry, one cent from every hundred bucks you pay will go to the church that Kevin claims to attend every Sunday back home so this is something wholesome that you can do together with your fellow church ladies after a hard day's work voting for Kevin. Thank you American Idol for another guilt-free approved-by-Jesus outlet for wholesome, virtuous, God-fearing Baptist ladies to rectify their hormonal issues!

Sleazie now turns his attention to Sway. He gets Sway to reveal that Sway is singing Stevie Wonder's Overjoyed because it's a great song by a great artist. His clip sees him saying that the highlight of his experiences so far was his performance last week when his parents get together again - I suppose they are separated for a while now - and look happy together when they watch Sway perform. Well, that's a touching story even if it's a little sad that his parents need a TV camera on them to get back together. Sway claims that this show get families together and asks people to keep him on the show so that his parents will be together for a long time. Hey, that's emotional blackmail! That's not playing fair.

Is Sway having a sore throat or something? He sounds very husky and rough in his performance. The enunciation seems off too - he pauses to catch his breath at the strangest spots in his lines sometimes. There is something that feels off about this performance. It's in tune but the whole performance feels really lacking somehow.

Randy Randy says that Sway is not in top form tonight and his rendition of a Stevie Wonder song is not "believable". Aww, poor Sway, he's not sexy like Kevin so he's not getting any get out of jail free card from this loser. Miss Paula drops words like "disconnected" and "you weren't in that zone". Aww, no "but you're so cute so that's okay!" move-past-go card from Miss Paula because Sway is not sexy like Kevin. Sway says that's he's just having an "off day" and Miss Paula assures him that he's still talented. King Tut calls the performance "bad karaoke" that has no "originality" and therefore is "utterly forgettable". He warns Sway that if Sway keeps singing like he just did, he won't be in the finals. Especially when the talented juggernaut Kevin is putting everyone to shame on this show, of course. Sleazie comes on stage to offer excuses for Sway - fatigue, whatever - and rubs salt on Sway's wounded ego by asking Sway what went wrong this time around when Sway did so well with the judges previous week. Poor Sway. It is horrible to perform after Kevin - how can anyone measure up to Kevin's mesmerizing talent and hugeness? Sway can only lamely speculate that song choice did him in.

Sleazie is in the Red Room now sandwiched by this show's very own version of The OC's Ryan and Seth, David and Will. Sleazie asks Will whether Will wants to do something "slow and soulful" and Will pipes up, "Yeah! Yeah!" The two chuckle and Will pipes up, "Yes!" Sleazie babbles something and Will says, "Yeah!" I see a pattern forming here. Will reveals that he is singing that anthem of transvestities everywhere, Kenny Roger's Lady, and Sleazie coyly pulls his left leg closer towards his body as he asks Will why Will chooses to perform that song. Will says that it's because that song is beautiful, it's a country song, he's from Texas, so he's just representing Texas with that song. That's quite an A to Z leap over there but don't let me be the one to puncture Will's bubble. Will then admits to Sleazie that he's known Lady for only two months. Sleazie then goes, oh, so mastering this Lady is a challenge. Will goes, "Yes!" Quick, place your bet as to who Lady refers to: Will's homely and overweight music teacher back home, Sleazie, Miss Paula, King Tut, or Will's room mate David. Will's clip reveals that his best memories of this show are (a) having not to go to school so much and (b) meeting Justin Guarini. The second thing is just so... sad, although I'm sure it makes Justin very happy to know that someone is still happy to see him.

Will's voice has impressive volume and timbre but his enunciation could have been better because there are times during his performance when he's channeling Trachea Boi full force. This performance reveals Will's inexperience. There are times when he sounds very impressive while other times he exposes his raw vocal stylistics. This performance isn't bad, it just reveals that Will may eventually be a good performer, he just hasn't reached that stage yet with his current level of talent.

Randy Randy thinks the performance is only average while Miss Paula naturally finds Will too cute but concedes that the performance is "safe". King Tut however brings up Cats, no, not because Will looks like Andrew Lloyd Webber or anything but because like Cats, Will has a target audience - King Tut mentions eleven and twelve-year old girls - that will adore Will no matter what. Poor Will, he must be thinking, "Awww man, why can't my target audience be big-breasted cheerleaders and female porn stars?" Sleazie asks Randy Randy to imagine that Randy Randy is "managing" Will. Randy Randy's expression suggests that he's thinking, "You crazy, dawg? If I manage Will like that, yo, you and Miss Paula will tear me apart, yo. I'll just stick to the groupies that the Uncles don't want, alright? I'll leave the management of the chickens to the cougars like you, Miss Paula, and King Tut, you know what I'm saying?" Sleazie asks Randy Randy to give management advice to Will. Randy Randy merely says to sing one's heart out and find the correct song. Everything wrong on this show can be conveniently blamed on song choice and not having heart or something. Life is so simple when you're on this show. Sleazie then loses control of himself after all that talk of managing Will and grabs Will's shirt, supposedly to untuck the shirt after Randy Randy advises Will to "loosen up". Will's face is like "Hey! Not on TV, man! Not in front of David!" before he laughs in a forced manner while King Tut growls jealously at Sleazie to "get off the stage quick". Pleased that he got to touch Will and drive King Tut jealous at the same time, Sleazie's smile is the most genuine so far in this show. Will must be really affected by Sleazie's overtures because he keeps touching Sleazie like he wants to rip off Sleazie's shirt too until he catches himself and looks off-camera before keeping his hands to himself. Who is he looking at? David? Oh dear.

Sleazie walks into the Red Room after getting off the stage to be spanked by King Tut for being a bad boy and sits down next to Bucky, who will be performing next. Bucky reveals that he will be singing a Garth Brooks song because he respects Garth for being the first man to inject some rock into the country genre. And here I am thinking that Garth is merely the first country artist to catch on with a predominantly female mainstream audience in a big way. Honestly I have no idea why. Whenever I see Garth Brooks, I see a short man wearing a belt with a buckle that is way too big as if he is trying to compensate for some kind of deficiency so I don't see any hotness there. Different kind of meat for different people, I suppose. Bucky's clip sees him going on about how food in LA is so much more complicated than food back home. You see, at Bucky's hometown, a chicken is a chicken but here in LA, a chicken dish also contains all kinds of other ingredients that Bucky can't make out. Since he only "gets" vegetables and rice in LA, he sees himself eating only those dishes in the foreseeable future and concludes that he'll probably lose weight as a result. Well, there's one fellow Sleazie won't take the trouble to cook for.

Bucky's song turns out to be The Thunder Rolls which is about a woman who shoots dead her unfaithful spouse. Bucky sounds quite flat during the verse but gathers himself nicely to build up the performance to a rousing chorus. This performance feels like a cross between Garth Brooks and Metallica, and I like it!

Randy Randy commends Bucky on making a song choice that suits him perfectly. Miss Paula approves and adds that she's "feeling it" from Bucky. Yeah, I'd bet. King Tut says that he likes Bucky for his sincerity unlike some contestants, snigger, but he keeps seeing Bucky as a support act rather than a star. Oh well. Sleazie offers to introduce Bucky to sushi and tuna rolls after the show and Bucky is like, "What? You like fish, Sleazie? Imagine that!"

David, wearing way too much make-up, says in his introductory clip that his pants were falling down when he showed up to audition so he ended up using his mother's car phone charger to keep them up, much to the dismay of those ladies out there who want to appreciate what God blessed young David with. I must say this though, at least that guy displays some personality when he's speaking, even if he's obviously full of it, which is more than I can say for some of the blank slates that are the other contestants on this show. He also has a very nice smile. How sad that this guy just cannot sing.

David's song is Frank Sinatra's The Way You Look Tonight. Like his previous performance, this one feels very affected, as if David is trying to copy Frank Sinatra rather than performing in a way that comes naturally to him. When he increases the volume of his voice to build up the song to a crescendo, he exposes how flat his affected baritone is. It's not that bad a performance, honestly, but the next time people tell him what a great singer he is, he should realize that they're lying. I love how at the end of his performance David calls out the name of the drummer and the camera cuts to the drummer in question who's chewing gum and obviously can't be bothered that David is trying to give him a shout-out. Poor David, he's such a dweeb that way.

Randy Randy says that it's good that David stayed within his "comfort zone". Oh, so in this case being safe is a good thing? These judges are so inconsistent, but what else is new, really. However, Randy Randy says that he was bored throughout the performance and he thinks the band sounded great unlike David. Miss Paula thrusts her cleavage towards David as she tells David that "we" have seen him perform better. "With other songs," she quickly clarifies, heh. What song are we talking about? Crazy Little Thing Called Love? Oh yes, David's beatboxing is the bomb, I tell you. Still can't compare to Kevin, though, that poor David. When it comes to awesome talent, Kevin is god. Ouch, King Tut says that David "sometimes" has the right voice for the songs he wants to sing, but David lacks charisma and confidence to pull things off. I'm sure David must be thinking, "But all those girls tell me I'm so cute! That's not charisma? Damn!" Poor David, he's now realizing how much people have lied to him all his life. I hope he doesn't need to see a shrink after this show. King Tut says that David was clearly nervous on stage.

Poor David really looks like he's shaken by revelations after revelations while he's standing there on stage, trying not to cry and only putting on a forced smile when he hears the band play the theme song. I understand. It must be hard to realize that they lied to him about his talent just to get their hands down his pants. It's tough to face the fact that people are just humoring him about his talent so that he will shut up and be pretty. Oh David, he's realizing only now that he's not some wunderkind like they say he is. He's just a... a... cute boy! Never mind, David, there is light at the end of the tunnel. He can always sell used cars. As David tells Sleazie defiantly that he felt "good" rather than "nervous" on stage, I notice that he's wearing the same necklace that Will was previously wearing. Come to think of it, isn't that blue shirt he's wearing under his coat the same one that Will was previously wearing? Have these two young men progressed to the stage in their relationship where they start coordinating their clothes and exchange jewelry? That's so cute! I'm so glad after everything, they can at least hold hands and say that they will always have each other and the moon. Or something like that.

Sleazie walks down the stairs leading from the Red Room to meet Chris and his package. Chris reveals that he will be singing Fuel's Hemorrhage because that's exactly the state of my brain after witnessing Kevin's mindblowing talent on stage. No, Chris says that he wants people to feel like they're in a rock concert. There is naturally no better song to make me feel like I'm in a rock concert other than one which tells a woman that not giving out to her fellow is like leaving the fellow high and dry to hemorrhage to death. Well, I suppose all that blood flowing downwards have to end up somewhere. Chris' clip sees him talking about getting used to a "Hollywood lifestyle". Is there where I start a betting pool as to when he will ditch his wife for an LA groupie? In LA, there are so many sinful women to be saved by Chris. Chris is pleased that he doesn't have to work at that junk-fixing place anymore and that his kids are now the most popular kids in school. The better for his kids' friends to ask these kids why Daddy is seen hanging out with Paris Hilton, naturally. Chris angsts about having no longer a normal life, which is exactly the kind of fake emo crock that I detest about the modern alternative rock scene. Of course he wants to be famous, duh.

Chris places one hand on the other arm - ooh, so emo - and launches into a rather stereotypical rock-by-number performance. But he sounds really good until towards the end when he strains his voice and it collapses, so I don't mind Chris at all.

Randy Randy loves the performance. Miss Paula all but screams "Hump me!" to Chris. King Tut calls the performance the only one that is real and will stand out tonight. Well, that's what they all said about Bo and look what they made him sing on his debut CD, sigh. I'd be more excited for Chris if I'm convinced that this show knows how to deal with the rockers it is starting to attract. Sleazie ribs Randy Randy for his constant namedropping before paying attention to Chris. I bet he's admiring Chris' arms but then again maybe I'm just channeling myself on Sleazie.

Sleazie recaps the performances of the night. I have to hand it to the guys - on the whole this week belong to them, thanks to strong performances by Elliott, Gedeon, Chris, and pretty good ones by Bucky and Taylor. Sleazie tells everyone to run off and vote and the credits roll. The guys then hug and touch each other like other than poor Sway who can only clap his hands stupidly as the other guys ignore him. I wonder what's the story there, heh.

Women's Round | Men's Round | Results


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