American Idol 5: Episode 18
Women's Round | Men's Round | Results
Oh my, unlike yesterday when our host Ryan "Honey honey, how you thrill me, oh!" Sleazebag couldn't bear to touch anyone other than Katharine and Kellie, today he is standing so close in front of the guys on the podium that he is in danger of getting his buttcheeks tattooed permanently on Ace's front. Maybe that's what Ace will like to have happened to him, hmm. At any rate, Sleazie reminds everyone that two of these guys will say sayonara to a future of being a punchline in the national media. Without ado, here are the credits.
Sleazie walks onto the stage looking as smart as always and so pretty as well. Botox, a few face-lifts, and an expensive pair of suits never fail to make one look good. Clearly he has taken Anderson Cooper's advice to heart about those big pink ties. If Sleazie learns from our friend Coop here on the ways to speak on TV without coming off like his only friends in real life are ventriloquist dummies, he may even get female fans who want to marry him instead of having to pay them to profess their lust for him on TV. Oh, look at his smile! He's actually happy today. It's either because it's all those boys in the house today or Coop's been sending naughty emails containing pictures of King Tut's head photoshopped on rutting barn animals to Sleazie that cheer the poor dear up despite the fact that King Tut is clearly taken with a cheap sleazy guacomoli-sucking minx from Albemarle. Oh Sleazie, they always shag up with a younger blonde, don't they? It's a good thing that when Sleazie's down, good old Coop is always around to lend a ear.
Sleazie introduces the guys - and I believe they do the same thing as they do the last time as they walk along the stairs to the Red Room, right down to Taylor's hugging himself until he gets an orgasm on the spot - and then turns to the judges. Despite King Tut's "Wanna see the video of me getting it on with the bellboy?" wink at Sleazie, Sleazie ignores him. That's the way, my dear, never let the bastard know that he's bringing you down! Then, bizarrely, Sleazie walks to one end of the stage to wave his arm at some people off-camera, asking, "Why are you screaming, girl? Please?" Since no one is screaming, I can only assume that he's just doing this as an excuse to bend over and wave his shapely newly-padded behind at King Tut's face. That's the way to do it! Show that jerk what he's missing out on!
Last it was with the ladies, the guys will reveal their deepest secret in their introductory clip so Gedeon takes the stage to let everyone know that he also paints. He then holds up a painting where he's painted the Earth in the middle of a record. It's pretty nice in a design for the United Nations' latest stamp kind of way, but he then goes on to describe how the record will turn as the world turns to bring out the "sound of music" and I start laughing. I love Gedeon, I really do, but when he babbles on like that, I get flashbacks to the TV series Life Goes On.
His song is Percy Sledge's When A Man Loves A Woman and Gedeon being Gedeon, his performance has me wanting to sway dreamily along with him while waving a lighter in the air. I don't even like that song but I love how he's singing it. Oh Gedeon. Like Melissa, I know he's not long for this competition due to the lack of hype for him on this show so I'm really trying very hard not to get too fond to him. He's not making it easy for me to resist, however.
Randy Randy likes the painting Gedeon did, calls him an "old soul" and commends him on being true to himself, whatever that means, but calls the performance "just alright" due to some shaky starts. Sigh, poor Gedeon. Miss Paula is of course in love with the performance. King Tut baits Gedeon to explain the painting and then says that Gedeon, while sounding a little cabaret, sounds good and is interesting. Sleazie asks Gedeon why he picked that song that Gedeon explains that it's because he has "lots of women" in his life. Sleazie and the live audience go "Wooo!" and then Gedeon, being Gedeon, goes on to say that he knows how to love women because he loves his mother and his grandmother. I... I'm not going to touch that one even with a ten-foot pole so let's move on. I'd love to watch Sleazie's suggested TV show Gedeon and His Women, provided we can get Katharine to play the love interest, Elliott to play Gedeon's loser brother, Melissa as the chain-smoking sassy potty-mouthed younger sister, and Mandisa as the sassy but wise older sister with soul.
In the Red Room, Sleazie pats Chris' shoulder and digs his finger at the man's chest as he pretends to introduce Chris to the camera. Then Sleazie flinches and looks behind him as the camera cuts to Chris' introductory clip. He must have felt someone's hand on his behind, I suppose. I've no idea whose hand it is though. Anyway, Chris reveals that a few years ago he actually sported the same hairstyle as Sleazie. When he started losing his hair, he shaved his head and happened to like it, which is convenient since it's not like he can easily get a full head of hair again, really.
Chris' song choice is quite predictable by now, really - Creed's Broken. Hey, at least he can say that he's being true to himself, whatever that means since he's pretty much a good imitator of Scott Stapp and the like. He even has the whole homoerotic mike-stand caressing thing down pat. However, can I say that I like Chris' version better than Creed's? Perhaps my dislike of Scott Stapp's melodramatic hand-wringing brand of singing has something to do with it, really, since I suspect that I'd like even Kellie's version of this song better than Creed's. All in all, a predictable if adequate performance from him.
Randy Randy says that he likes people who know what they are all about. So in this case, Randy Randy thinks it's okay for Chris to be safe and predictable. What, double standards on this show? Never! Miss Paula is in love. King Tut wasn't impressed with the performance since he calls it "one-note" and boring. Chris tells Sleazie that he chose this song to show a "softer" version of himself. Silly me, and here I am thinking that he's just showing the same old side of himself that he's been showing me in the last two weeks. How about some Chris Isaak, Chris? Somebody's Cryin' would be good. I love how when Sleazie offers his hand to Chris, Chris reluctantly grabs it but then holds on so tightly as he starts patting Sleazie in the back like a man who has just discovered the magic of the Sleazie touch that Sleazie is pulled towards him. As Sleazie rattles off to the camera, he deliberately lets his hand go limp when it's clear that Chris is not letting the hand go. Chris gives a visible start and looks down at Sleazie's hand in his before reluctantly letting go of the hand. I know, Chris, that hand is so nice to touch because the skin is so smooth that you just want so badly to put it in your mouth and suckle at the fingers, but you must think carefully: can you afford the price tag and the emotional baggages that Sleazie comes with?
Kevin reveals that even before he and Sleazie become gangsters, he's a big fan of Kayne West and he enjoys rapping along with Kayne. Watch out, Eminem, Kevin's coming to bitchsmack you! And I bet Kevin's mother can totally smack Eminem's mother as well.
Kevin's song is, hilariously enough, Julio Iglesias' Vincent. I can only imagine Uncle Nigel suggesting this song to Kevin after telling him he's such a stud with the ladies, before fleeing the room to collapse in laughter. The goat-like vibrato is out in full force tonight. It's impressive how atonal this fellow is despite the vibrato. I can't stop howling in laughter watching this performance because it's so horrifically bad, it surpasses even Rank Sinatra's Crocodile Rock back in season three.
Randy Randy likes that Kevin is as "hip hop" as Randy Randy and if Randy Randy is "hip hop" then I'm Beyonce Knowles. Randy Randy then goes ahead to humiliate himself by praising Kevin's apparent ability to sing anything. Oh, I'm really Beyonce now. Look at me shake my weaves, people, woo! Miss Paula is in love. NAMBLAA issues a fatwa on her. King Tut was reminded of puppies playing when he saw the performance, calling it juvenile by saying that the grannies will vote for Kevin. Stupid grannies - they spoil everything! Sleazie comes on stage to join Kevin and tells King Tut that he had a dream about King Tut the night before. Fearing that Sleazie will pull a Mariah Carey on this show and start babbling about how he dreamed of King Tut wearing only a dog collar and getting whipped on his gelatinous behind by Sleazie, King Tut quickly says, "I'm not surprised." Sleazie shakes his head and merely says calmly that he dreamed of King Tut giving constructive criticisms. Kevin tries to say something funny but clearly he's way out of his league. King Tut says that he doesn't care whether Sleazie has dreams, fantasies, "or whatever" of him as long as they keep their talk "off-camera". Ah, so King Tut is interested to know more, he just doesn't want everyone watching to know that he is. King Tut then tells Sleazie to talk to Kevin and stay away from him. Sleazie looks like he's having a laugh, but there's a stiff mannerism about him that is reminiscent of his prissy mode the night before. He must be annoyed that King Tut is not willing to discuss their problems like Oprah would want them to.
In the Red Room, Sleazie squeezes into the vacant spot on the sofa between Taylor and Elliott. Taylor reveals his Vegas roots when he talks about how this show has changed his life because he got to meet Christopher Cross, his icon. Christopher Cross, sheesh. "Are you Sailing?" jokes Sleazie. Oh, that's such a lame joke, really. Taylor talks about how Christopher Cross is a great inspiration to him and all I can say is, "Oh my. How sad." Taylor then discuss performing every night and he's a very boring fellow, I must say. No wonder he hams it up so much on stage, to overcompensate for his utter dullness off the stage.
Bucky reveals his secret: he has a twin brother named Rocky! Apparently Rocky could sing as well but Bucky told him that there was room for only one of them in the competition. Does this mean that Bucky beat Rocky up or something? Bucky and Rocky, oh my goodness. What are their parents thinking?
He steps out on stage to perform Pat Green's Wave On Wave. Poor Bucky, he's so tall that he has to bend his legs at the knee to lower his head to the level of the mic stand. The awkward posture aside, there is something missing in this performance: a build-up to an exciting chorus or a finish. Bucky just sings the song and the song just goes on and then ends just like that. Where's the hook, the special something in the performance that grabs my attention?
Randy Randy nitpicks on the song choice and wishes that Bucky did something more rocky. But he likes the performance nonetheless. Miss Paula is in love. King Tut says that the performance was "adequate" and "okay", comparable to a performance in a bar. Sleazie then brings out Rocky for a sexy hillbilly sandwich and those two really look alike right down to the teeth and all. Always a hussy, that Sleazie.
Sleazie now asks everyone to visit the official website dapunkbratkevin.com and watch King Tut dance around a pole. Or maybe take part in a poll about King Tut. Whatever, really.
Will reveals that he and David were secretly married in a ceremony officiated by Taylor so now he officially hates each and every one of you for tearing David away from him before they even get to have a decent honeymoon. No, not really, he's started learning Japanese so he launches into a rallying cry in Japanese for eleven-year old girls everywhere to unite and vote for him. At least, that's what the subtitles say. My knowledge of Japanese is limited to the bad words only, I'm afraid. For all I know, he could really be saying, "David, I love you! Until we meet again, my love, I'll sleep every night with your unwashed boxers pressed against my face!"
Will steps on stage and launches into How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You), which had been performed previously by many people including Marvin Gaye and James Taylor. This performance is actually pretty okay in my opinion, although it's quite apparent that Will may have the voice to work some wonders on his audience, he really needs to work a little more on controlling his voice and learning how to use it to make his performances more nuanced and interesting and a lot more on his stage presence. He still comes off like a nice kid who can sing but at the same who could use more performing experience in order to become an interesting singer. This performance is painless to listen to but it's not one I will remember much of once it's over.
Randy Randy tells Will that he didn't like the performance at all, comparing it to "bad karaoke". Miss Paula is in love. King Tut agrees with Randy Randy, calling the performance "completely, utterly average" with no stand-out qualities. Since Miss Paula announced that she's a fan, King Tut comforts Will by saying that at least Will has the "middle age vote". And how old is King Tut again? It's always bizarre how fat middle-aged guys think that they have the right to call a woman middle-aged. Have they even looked in the mirror lately? Sleazie joins Will at the stage and allows Miss Paula to plead Will's case on his behalf. Miss Paula says that Will is loved by the young, old, and "whatever". And it's the "whatever", I'm sure, that Will should be worried about.
Sleazie introduces Taylor who wears a bunny costume in his introductory clip and reveals that he used to be... that... before coming on this show. Well, okay that. I like him better when he's wearing that bunny costume.
He's all ham and constipated expressions as he forces out the Doobie Brothers' Takin' It To The Streets, complete with flailing arms, crossed chunky thighs, and twitchy tics until I really miss that bunny costume. Taylor was so cute in that costume! The singing isn't too good either - it's shouted out at places, he sounds out of breath at other places, and overall, this performance is all ham and no substance. And as he gets his obligatory standing ovation - everyone loves a class clown, after all - he does his "I love myself into an orgasm!" thing again, only this time he does it without hugging himself. Impressive.
Randy Randy doesn't think much of the singer but of course, he loves it because Taylor is so "entertaining". Miss Paula is in love. King Tut claims that Taylor has the whole "kill the music video" industry thing going for him - and while he's at it, if Taylor is going to keep dumping bricks on stage like that every week, he may as well kill me too - and then praises Taylor for showing everyone what "this" is all about, whatever "this" is. Epilepsy, I suppose. King Tut adds that Taylor stood out and gave his best performance ever. Taylor, whose conversations so far has been "Woo!" every time someone praises him, claps his hands and hollers. It's amazing how someone can love himself this much, I tell you. I hate Sleazie for encouraging Taylor to spazz on stage with him. I love Sleazie when Taylor grabs hold of Sleazie's suit during a spazz-gone-wild thing and Sleazie quickly gets this "Bitch! Get your vermin hands off me!" look on his face as he gives a deliciously cutting, "Thank you!" to that freak. Taylor quickly lets go of Sleazie's jacket and Sleazie coolly buttons up so that Taylor can't get his grubby hands on him anymore (previously, Sleazie never buttoned up). Man, that is so cold on Sleazie's part. Taylor simply lets everything wash over him as he goes "Woo! Woo!" and "Soul Patrol!" Then Sleazie is fine with Taylor again, shaking his hand and telling him that they've had fun. Of course, it's only fun until the great unwashed forget their places and that's when he has to give them the smackdown to let them know who's in charge.
Elliott, having trotted out his sweet but decrepit mother last week, now reveals that he is mostly deaf in his right ear and he's had many infections in the past. That's how I know he's moved from underhyped underdog of sorts to someone who has some backing by Uncle Nigel to move on to next week. Elliott is working real hard on the crazies watching this show because there are always people watching this show who will channel their infatuation on the most ill and dysfunctional person on the show (see: some of Kewpie's more bizarre fans). I am starting to feel really uneasy about having to share the Elliott love train with these crazies, oh dear.
Elliott's song is Bryan Adams' Heaven. It's a nice song but then again, I'm one of the few people around that still like Bryan Adams' music after he made millions of enemies with (Everything I Do) I Do It For You. This is not my favorite performance of his. I like the song but Elliott performs it in a rather subdued manner. None of the cheesy dramatic "Oh-oh-oh!" that Bryan Adams did in the crescendo of the song for Elliott, instead he's trying very hard to be safe and predictable. After Moody's Mood For Love, this performance is such a disappointing follow-up.
Randy Randy says that he looks forward to Elliott's performance every week because he's "hot" and he's "got it". He then hollers and whoops for Elliott like an idiot. Miss Paula is in love. King Tut however calls the performance "a cop-out" because the song is wrong for Elliott. I agree. King Tut says that Elliott is all about soul so this song makes him come off like a nervous copycat. Hmm, I agree as well.
Ace reveals that he had many "odd jobs" in Hollywood when he first came to that place to try his luck. Oh yes, your guess is as good as mine: stripper, porn actor, male escort... he's only admitting to being a "handyman" though. I must check whether that word has any connotations or street definition that I am not aware of.
Ace launches into Michael Jackson's Butterflies. Ace is certainly trying to force his falsetto to resemble Michael Jackson when he was still in Jackson 5 if his performance is anything to go by. I don't know why he keeps insisting on doing his terrible falsetto because he sounds better (not good, but nicer in comparison) when he's singing in his ordinary voice. I suppose his "ah-ah-ah" falsettos which remind me of a horse experiencing labor pains are supposed to be awe-inspiring but I just want to plug my ears and beg Ace to stop singing.
Randy Randy thinks that Ace's falsetto is excellent. Then again, he also believes that Kevin can sing anything. Maybe we should force Randy Randy to hire these two to be personal carollers. That's only fair, right. Miss Paula is in love. King Tut doesn't think much of the singing but he thinks Ace made the performance work regardless of his vocals. I beg to differ but then again, greasy bums are never my thing so I'm probably being biased.
Sleazie announces that time is running out so he recaps the guys' performance and tells everyone to go vote. The show has given the audience very clear hints as to who should or shouldn't move on. If history has proven anything, the show always "hints" on who to vote and the audience always obeys. I'm pretty sure that is what will happen in the results show. I'll just have to wait and see, won't I?
Women's Round | Men's Round | Results
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