Vampire Boys (2011)
Main cast: Jason Lockhart (Jasin), Christian Ferrer (Caleb), Dylan Vox (Logan), Jess Allen (Dane), Tanner Acord (Adam), Zasu (Tara), and Ryan Adames (Paul)
Director: Charlie Vaughn


I thought Vampire Boys would be a playful gay parody of Twilight, but... yikes.

Jasin is a pretty old vampire who looks permanently twenty. Since being ditched by the elder vampire that made him and loved him, our dear had sired three other vampire dudes while scouring for a true love that would allow them to keep living forever. As Jasin always says in this movie, he didn't make the rules, so don't look at him like that. His second-in-command Logan had picked a candidate, Tara, who doesn't mind becoming a vampire at all. However, Jasin's decision wavers when he meets and falls for the new guy in college, Caleb.

There is a pretty good story in here, somewhere, but the whole thing is a horrible mess. I don't know where to look, much less start, because the movie is just atrocious.

The acting, for example, is deplorable. Dylan Vox has the dubious honor of being the only one who isn't a complete failure as an actor, and even then, he's pretty awful. Everyone else seems to be reading aloud from a blurry sign waved by some lowly intern from the sidelines. Someone must have been really drunk to cast Christian Ferrer and Jason Lockhart in the lead roles, as they are both utterly wooden. Also, Caleb and his room mate embody the worst of gay stereotypes, as Caleb speaks in a robotic type of "sass" as if he'd been watching too many episodes of Queer As Folk while Paul is irrational, emotionally unstable, clingy, and bitterly jealous. Oh, and Ryan Adames may as well be a robot, given how he delivers his lines in a flat monotone even during the more emotional scenes.

The story has potential, and there are some amusing moments of awareness when it has Jasin waving away the more absurd plot twists by saying that he didn't make the rules. I also like how the movie doesn't try to force Jasin into some misunderstood good guy - he's still a vampire through and through, and he just happens to be nice to Caleb because he has a crush on that guy. Charlie Vaughn's direction, however, is awful, and the people putting the movie together in the studio aren't helping. This movie plods along like a sedated tortoise, with filler scenes that don't add anything to the story all over the place.

Oh, and in case you are wondering, there is only one scene involving male nudity, and it's as sexy as getting one's tooth drilled without anesthesia.

Terribly acted, horribly directed, and badly put together, Vampire Boys is just an utter failure through and through.

Rating: 16


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