Rush Hour 2 (2001)
Main cast: Jackie Chan (Chief Inspector Lee), Chris Tucker (Det James Carter), Zhang Ziyi (Hu Li), John Lone (Ricky Tan), and Roselyn Sanchez (Isabella)
Director: Brett Ratner
Chief Inspector Lee or Porkbun Boy and Det James "I Left My Eardrums In San Francisco" Carter are back. Oh boy. Hey, before you Jackie Chan fanboys hammer me again, I must say I like the first Rush Hour - somewhat. But Rush Hour 2 has Porkbun Boy almost naked. I am still suffering from the psychological traumas that awful sight inflicted on my genteel psyche. And if James Eardrums-In-San-Francisco shrieks any louder, I will personally grab my monkeywrench and do some personal tonsil extraction on that screeminie weirdo.
This time around, Porkbun and Miss Thing wrecks havoc in Hong Kong. Lots of stupid jokes ensue. But I almost scratch my eyeballs out of my sockets when they show Porkbun and Miss Thing naked except for covers at the bare necessities. It scares me to think that somewhere out there there are people who want to see these two emasculated werdos naked. Then again, I understand if it's a freakshow thing, like say, Porkbun and Miss Thing getting it on in Gruesome Twosome Coupling Masterpiece XXX Theatre, but still...
Anywhere, where was I? Short of throwing my stomach's contents into the toilet sink? Oh yeah. John Lone plays a triad baddie who sends his henchwoman Hu Li to finish off our Porkbun-Miss Thing Gruesome-Twosome because the GT are too close to exposing said baddie's syndicate. Zhang Ziyi rarely speaks, and worse, she looks totally unconvincing in her role as a baddie. When she tries to do an evil face, she looks like a petulant 15-year old about to burst into tears. La Femme Barbieta here does deliver some great chops though. I cheer when she bashes Miss Thing really bad, oh baby, oh yes. Too bad she doesn't do an impromptu tracheotomy on Miss Thing, because I would have saved some money on getting my bleeding eardrums treated if she did.
The P Daddy's I'll Be Missing You thing is cute though, even if it just screams "Wigger", or shall we say "Chigger" wannabe. Too bad it's the wrong fellow who died, and worse, too bad I have to see Porkbun trying to emote.
Of course, Chinese people rapping or dancing is still just oh so hilarious (oh kill me), Black guys screaming is even more funny (please, kill me now), and Porkbun speaking English is funnier still (okay, please - kill me, kill me, KILL ME!). Rush Hour 2 is just plain horrifying. If maggots explode out of a gigantic sore on my forehead to squirm all over my face, that is still a better experience than me seeing Porkbun in the skimpies. Oh gah.
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