Eating Out (2004)
Main cast: Scott Lunsford (Caleb Peterson), Jim Verraros (Kyle), Emily Stiles (Gwen Anderson), Ryan Carnes (Marc Everhard), Rebekah Kochan (Tiffani), Jillian Nusbaum (Jamie Peterson), and Billy Shepard (Joey)
Director: Q Allan Brocka


This gender comedy, supposedly inspired by the teen romantic comedy movies out there, is frankly one of the worst movies I've ever seen. The acting is horrible, the dialogues are insipid, and the cast is slathered with so make-up that they look like little girls who have raided Mommy's cosmetic bag for the first time. When the most memorable thing I can remember in this movie is just how much lipstick the men are wearing in this movie, that's how bad it is. Okay, there is a memorable scene where the straight hero Caleb Peterson is getting a blow job from Marc Everhard (haw, haw - not) while he is having phone sex with Gwen Anderson but that's about it.

The plot is this. Caleb likes Gwen but Gwen is one of those products of a misogynistic gay man's warped mind where she only likes gay men. In short, she's a wincing, nerve-grating, unrealistic committed fag hag. To get close to her, he gets his buddy Kyle (yes, played by the American Idol 1 crybaby tuneless loser Jim Verraros) to set him up with Marc. Actually, Kyle likes Marc but you know how gay men are in these movies! One snap of the fingers by a straight guy and these gay men drop everything to make this straight guy happy. When queer cinema finds its self-esteem and stops making its gay characters being doormats to unattainable straight men, let me know.

Apart from Caleb being possibly the straightest guy to wear the thickest lipstick and red blush face-cake outside of a Chinese opera performance, he is a completely square and unattractive lughead. The gay men in this movie are stereotypical nellies who have no self-respect and will only shag after the straight guy is confirmed unattainable. The women in this show are nothing more than embarrassing baby-voiced caricatures. The plot is laden with clichés and trite dialogues that are supposed to be funny only if I'm the kind of person who giggle hysterically at the mention of genitals ("Joey! Just remember - every time you suck a dick, every time you poke some boy in the brown eye, remember: you've eaten pussy! You ate pussy and you liked it!").

On the whole, this movie is a complete pain to watch. I realize too late that this overly-contrived turkey is praised only by silly people who love this movie to bits because Ryan Carnes and Scott Lughead, er, Lunsfield flash some brief full-frontal nudity in the uncensored version of the movie. If all you want from a movie is to see wrinkled dangly bits of the male characters (who are wearing way too much lipstick and blush in the meantime) or if you're one of those indiscriminating people who embrace Queer As Folk as the best in TV drama, this movie is for you. I feel like throwing up after Eating Out at this utter waste of time. The next time, they should put those lipsticks to better use - maybe in dog shows.

Rating: 16


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