Decoys (2004)
Main cast: Corey Sevier (Luke), Stefanie von Pfetten (Lilly), Kim Poirier (Constance), Elias Toufexis (Roger), Meghan Ory (Alex), Richard Burgi (Detective Francis Kirk), and Nicole Eggert (Detective Amanda Watts)
Director: Matthew Hastings


Decoys is a really bad low-budgeted Canadian horror movie that relies heavily on T&A of both its male and female cast. Although people should be warned that the only wholesome male T&A comes solely from the lead actor Corey Sevier while the sight of Elias Toufexis, that plays that plump buddy of his named Roger, loudly stimulating masturbation can indeed make one go blind - by gouging out one's own eyeballs with one's hands, that is. The only downside is that the movie, for some reason, wants to get no more than a R rating so it never goes too far in its sleaze, with the furthest it will go being two women kissing as a stunt at a party. I know, how disgusting. What do these people think the movie is? Art? Show us the skin!

Set in a New Bruinswick campus called St John's College, our hunky but inexplicably unpopular (in an "Only in movies, I tell you" way) hero Luke shares a room with Roger, a fellow weirdo, and through Roger he meets Alex, a beautiful woman who has a crush on Luke. Alas, Luke is more interested in Constance and her hands-on friendliness with her cousin Lilly. However, while spying on those two women, he learns a shocking truth. No, it's not that real lesbians aren't doing what they do just to get men's attention, it's something far worse that changes the way the idiot looks at the world - Constance and Lilly and who knows how many others are actually aliens from outer space who have arrived on Earth on a mating frenzy. Unfortunately, the mating ritual involves the insertion of tentacles from these aliens into the male, revenge of the Japanese hentai style, and freezing of the man into a block of ice. Luke becomes more and more misogynistic and deranged as he starts trying to get rid of these aliens. Even Roger abandons him when Roger falls for one of these aliens (it's quite sweet, really). Only Alex is with him. Will Luke finally see who really loves him? That is, if he survives the attack of the tentacled horny aliens first.

Decoys is a truly awful film if I'm to judge it by artistic merits, but it has me laughing so hard from start to finish. How can a movie be wrong when the idiot hero starts chucking hot water at women to determine whether they are aliens? Or when he charges the sorority house with a blowtorch and yells at the head alien, ""Belt of Orion? How about the BELT OF O'FRYING?", right before torching her in the face? The ending has a truly hilarious and surprisingly good twist, and best of all, I get to see the trailer to Starship Troopers: Hero Of The Federation at the end of the DVD. The sequel is coming out in 2005 and I find myself eager to get my hands on it. Decoys is so entertainingly awful and shlocky ("How about the BELT OF O'FRYING?") that it is truly a class of its own when it comes to B-grade goodness.

Rating: 76


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