Dead Boyz Don't Scream (2006)
Main cast: Victoria Redstall (Tess), Gina Marie Gian (Belle), Anthony Giraud (Jimmy), Logan Hilyard (Todd), Reid Hutchins (Joey), Christian Mousel (Christian), Monique Parent (Roz), and Zack Vazquez (Anthony)
Director: Marc Saltarelli


Dead Boyz Don't Scream is actually a softcore movie aimed at folks who appreciate naked male bodies rather than a horror movie. Of course, when it comes to appreciating naked male bodies, you certainly won't find me complaining about the task at hand. However, this movie boasts a spectacularly stupid plot and some truly beyond the pale horrendous acting that it's not even a funny movie. It's just painfully bad to watch.

The story is pretty much a standard slasher one. Tess manages a bunch of male models and in this movie, she brings them to a remote house near the woods for a photoshoot. Someone starts killing off the male models one by one and it's up to these folks to stop the killer before the killer completely removes these braindead wretches from the human gene pool.

When it comes to naked male flesh, including close-ups on male rears and dangling bits, this movie certainly delivers. The male models, played by various softcore and hardcore movie actors, find all kinds of reasons to strip here. If they are clothed, chances are they are wearing only tighty-whities or their clothes will fall off faster than I can blink. My favorite scene has to be that one where a dumb model decides to investigate a sound outside the house while clad only in tighty-whities. When the killer gives chase, this fellow thoughtfully reaches out and rips off the idiot's underpants first so that the idiot can run through the woods in his naked glory. Seriously, any guy who is passable as eye candy material in this movie will drop off all his clothes for little to no reason, it's male T&A - or is that P&A? - heaven.

Unfortunately in this case, most of the guys sport the hairless Ken doll look that is synonymous with brainless beefcake. The script portrays all of these male himbos are either detestable or moronic idiots that I find myself rooting for the killer to kill them all because these idiots must not be allowed to procreate, ever. The acting is atrocious as most of the cast seem to be reading aloud lines from an off-screen teleprompter rather than acting.

Needless to say, this is a movie that is best watched only if you are in need of some eye candy. Even then, maybe it's best if you mute the sound. Trust me, this movie is really that bad.

And no, I have no idea why "boyz" is spelled that way. This movie is as "gangsta" as an overweight white fifteen-year old boy sporting his mother's gold chain and a 50 Cent baseball cap.

Rating: 40


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