1313: Cougar Cult (2012)
Main cast: Brinke Stevens (Edwina), Linnea Quigley (Clara), Jack Kubacki (Coopersmith), Bryce Durfee (Darwin), Carey James (Henry), Aaron Thornton (Anson), William Copsey (Lance), Ryan Curry (Rufus), and Michelle Bauer (Victoria)
Director: David DeCoteau


Honestly, it's a toss up who the worse director in existence is - David DeCoteau or Uwe Boll. To give Mr DeCoteau credit, at least he keeps his movies to the rental market, where you can easily avoid them, unlike Mr Boll who occasionally shows up on the blockbuster market like a bad case of herpes. 1313: Cougar Cult intrigued me originally because it features the three scream queens Brinke Stevens, Linnea Quigley, and Michelle Bauer in a single movie. These ladies have a history of bad, schlocky direct-to-video low budget horror flicks and their willingness to bare everything is only cherry on top. Sounds, interesting, right? Unfortunately, I forgot that this is a movie directed by David DeCoteau.

Basically, the ladies play Edwina, Clara, and Victoria, three witches who worship some kind of demon that gives them powers to transform into cougars. They live in this luxurious mansion, and they hire hot boys to tend to housework. Actually, they... do something, let's just say, to these boys. This something involves watching these boys rub their chests and stomachs for fifteen minutes, the ladies running their own fingers along those lads' thighs and stomach, and then dripping them with oil and letting some demonic essence possess them.

Okay, hot shirtless lads touching themselves don't seem like a bad thing to watch, but in this movie, such typically pleasant moments are depicted in mind-numbing monotony. These guys take forever to shower, caress themselves, or douse themselves with water, so much so that it's like watching paint dry because everything is so boring and slow. Meanwhile, the scream queens don't really have much to do - the scene of them strutting elegantly towards the camera in the hallway of the mansion is replayed so often, I can only deduce that the people behind this movie can't afford the rates these ladies are asking. Indeed, there are many scenes repeated throughout the movie - the director isn't even trying to hide the fact that this movie is basically pieced together like a threadbare cloth that has been mended so often that it is barely usable as a result.

The acting from the guys is wooden and, to top it off, these guys aren't even that hot. They look like any generic plastic Ken doll type, and I won't be surprise if they lack dangling bits. (There aren't any impressive bulges to be seen in the underpants they sport.) Therefore, watching this movie is an utterly pointless waste of time. I'm not surprised when I learned later that this movie was filmed in 3 days. It really shows.

Oh, and as for the special effects, this scene, an actual scene taken from the movie, says it all.

Good lord!

Rating: 01


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