by Bertrice Small, fantasy (2007)
HQN, $13.95, ISBN 978-0-373-77203-2
Kol stood up and posed before the balcony. His great dominant rod sprang forth to enthusiastic clapping and more cries of ”All praise to Krell!” He strutted about the dais, allowing them all a long look at his mighty rod. Lara held out her arms to him as if pleading. The look in his eyes told her that her act pleased him. And then cheers and more clapping as the thin and pointed lesser rod appeared, glistening with its silver sheen. The females accompanying the lords screamed with excitement and once again the cry, ”All praise to Krell!” was shouted enthusiastically.
Yes, you've read that right. This Kol fellow has two penises, which he uses for the inevitable double penetration of the heroine. I'm not going to describe how he uses the two penises on the heroine, not because I'm a prude but because I still have no idea how it is done. This Kol sticks the smaller "rod" into our heroine Lara's "rose hole" while the "enormous dominant rod" goes into her "waiting sheath". Maybe the planet of Hetar, where this is set in, has some funky gravity or something, because Kol can proceed to pump one rod while keeping the other rod stationary. The love scene also has "aching lust orb" and "his hidden flesh", but given the fact that the hero has two penises, I don't even want to know what the orb and flesh could possibly be.
It is not until I begin reading The Twilight Lord do I realize that this is not a standalone book. It's the third book in the author's World Of Hetar series. This series is like the author's Skye O'Malley series set in a generic sword and sorcery world. Our heroine is this faerie princess Lara, the Domina of Terah, and in previous books she's already collected a husband and some besotted lovers in her many adventures. Because I haven't read those books and trying to slough through the author's tedious exposition makes my eyes cross, I may get a few details wrong here and there, so please bear with me. Kol, our Twilight Lord of the Dark Lands, wants Lara for the fact that some prophecy tells him that a faerie woman will give birth to the next Twilight Lord.
In this book, Kol has kidnapped Lara and Lara suffers from a convenient bout of amnesia that leads Kol to have his way with her while her poor husband Magnus and a bunch of secondary characters who all share the same thought bubble try to get her back before the Emperor of Something starts trouble. You see what happens when Lara's Magic Vagina isn't around to save the day? Pandemonium, that's what happens.
Never mind the repetitious and tedious exposition moments in this story. Never mind the overload of hilarious purple prose of dominant and lesser rods causing aching orbs to burst into sparks and other nonsense. I'm more curious as to what Ms Small is thinking when she has Kol shagging Lara with his double penises in front of an audience when Lara has just given birth to twins the week before. Or that the public shag is way for Kol to prove that the twins - who are already born, mind you - are his. I don't get it.
All I can say at the end of the day is that The Twilight Lord is pretty... interesting. Comical, even. Bertrice Small has set a new standard for comedy erotica with this baby, so it will be a hoot to see how she is going to top this one. A guy with an elastic stretchable penis? Or how about a guy who is like Medusa, only instead of having snakes for hair he has instead angry wiggling penises on his head? A part of me wants to run away in terror, but another part of me is very curious as to what the author will come up with next.
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