Eclipse
by Stephenie Meyer, fantasy (2007)
Megan Tingley Books, $12.99, ISBN 978-0-316-02765-6


Eclipse is an impressive work, if only because of how Stephenie Meyer can fill up over 600 pages with immature, banal, insipid, puerile, and bloody stupid teenage girl angst-ridden gobbledygook without experiencing the need to slash her wrists. What makes this epic opus to female stupidity a frustrating read is - and I am repeating myself here, I know - how there are some good and interesting elements here, but these elements are swamped and crapped upon by the constant braindead prattling of the most irritating moron ever, Bella Swan.

Okay, the story. This is the third book in Stephenie Meyer's Kill It! Kill That Bella Bitch! saga, which begins with Twilight, so you really should try reading that one first if you are new to the series. And yes, there will be spoilers in this review, so you know what to do if you want to discover the precious love story of Bella and Edward all on your own.

Anyway, Victoria is back. I don't know why a glorious vampire bitch like her is obsessed over a whiny pathetic twit like Bella. I mean, okay, so that what's-his-name moron died while trying to eat Bella up. Big deal! You'd think Victoria would have learned by now that sometimes you just have to leave imbeciles be and hope that Darwinian principles will rectify the evolutionary mistake that is Bella. But no, like everyone and everything in this thankfully fictitious universe of Forks You Very Much, Victoria has to be obsessed with that wretched imbecile.

Okay, so now there is an increase in the number of dead bodies in Seattle. Edward suspects that bad vampires - you know, the non-vegetarian ones that suck people's blood, eeuw - are out on the loose. Bella is like, whatever, as she wrings her hands and moans that Jacob is hurt that she's back with Edward so she just has to see Jacob as well because she loves Jacob, only not as much as she loves Edward, but that doesn't mean she would tell Jacob to back off as she's such a slutty tease nice and understanding fail whale young woman.

The werewolves and the vampires band forces to overcome the threat of HRH Queen Victoria and her legion of chomp-happy vampires. Bella is like, whatever, as she wails that she can't make up her mind whether she wants to marry Edward. OH MY GOD JUST KILL ME ALREADY. Rosalie and Jasper reveal their actually heartbreaking and poignant back stories. Bella is like, WHATEVER, SHUT UP YOU UNWORTHY SECONDARY CHARACTERS, AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME BECAUSE I AM THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE UNIVERSE.

Meanwhile, Edward broods. Bella is like, WHATEVER, EDWARD, JUST PAY ATTENTION TO ME IF YOU LOVE ME. Jacob's character degenerates into a creepy stalker with no self-respect, using emotional manipulation to try to get Bella to put out to him. Don't these kids get it? Bella likes it when people are fighting over her! She's the root of all evil in this world! The fact that she gets them all tied up like this without even putting out a little is a clear sign that she is an evil man-teasing life-sucking monster. KILL HER, KILL HER QUICK.

Oh, and Bella also whines that she wants to play her part in defeating the bad guys. Hey, don't laugh, she's totally earnest. After all, she's such a dead black hole of a person that vampire magic doesn't work on her and nobody can read her mind (make your own "What mind? Is there anything going on in there that can be read?" jokes here), they should have just shoved her into the front line and tell the vampires to use her for target practice. Alas, in this story, she's naturally too precious to be put in danger so she's hidden away in the forest. Yes, that's the best place to hide from the marauding horde. Those briar bushes are formidable protection.

The downside of Bella being so useless precious is that, because this story is written from her completely worthless point of view, I have to follow her whiny self instead of getting to see what the grown-ups and cool people are doing. Seriously, I cannot imagine a situation more favorable to compel one to commit suicide than being stuck in a foggy bog with Bella, Edward, and Jacob. Not that it matters, because Victoria will attack Bella in the end and force Edward to protect her. What, you expect Bella to stand up for herself? You're new to the series, aren't you? And because Ms Meyer is apparently allergic to cool scenes of violence, poor Victoria gets a mercy exit from this wretched series in a most anticlimatic manner.

After finishing Eclipse, I have to take a deep cleansing breath and congratulate myself for having endured Bella Swan's blistering and painful non-stop self-centered prattling without slashing my wrists until I've run out of wrists and have to slash my ankles next. How did you guys do it and then attend conventions with Stephenie Meyer and be merry without wanting to use these books to bash her in the head for all the pain she has caused you? You have my utmost respect, and I mean that in all sincerity. I guess I am just too weak and am not cut out for long term residence in La Planet Bella.

Rating: 51


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