You're The One
by Judi McCoy, paranormal (2001)
Zebra, $5.99, ISBN 0-8217-7141-8


What a fugly cover.

This story is a little bit like Lisa Cach's Of Midnight Born in that it has a ghostly heroine falling for the tenant of the house she haunts. I am comparing these two books because Cach's heroine demonstrates some final character development from a bratty girl into a more well-rounded adult character by the end. The heroine of You're The One... well, let's just say I don't want to stick around when Miss Thing here throws a temper tantrum. Again.

Come fire and water and air and earth, and curse this man who'd see me hurt.
My trust he took, my life he stole, 'tis only just he pay a toll.
For the price of his folly he shall walk alone,
his male kin for his sins atone.
No love shall they find in this world, until I find my true love first.
Then must we both with all our hearts, proclaim our love to break the curse.

That is Cassandra Elizabeth Kinross' curse. She's a ghost now. And I say that's just too light a punishment for such horrendously cheesy and bad poetry. And what kind of curse is that anyway, with all that crap about falling in love? Angry women ranted and evoked curses and plagues on evil men, they don't make men wait until they fall in love and they then hold hands and declare love together or something.

What? Cassandra's a romance heroine?

Oh. I see. Mea culpa, what am I thinking? Cassandra, good job, talking all corny and rather silly about love and all. Now go swallow a broomstick.

Rand MacPherson is the descendant of the man whom Cassandra almost married and later cursed. He is unlucky in love, thanks to Cass' curse. Still, he is rich. He's good in bed. And they keep dumping him? Jeez, they don't make American women like they used to. Hey, Randy, come over to Singapore and let us hot Oriental minxes fix you up good. Bring your credit card and bank book along please.

Anyway, Cass immediately tries to drive Rand out. Rand, alas, is like what happens when Fox Mulder has swallowed way too many sleeping pills. He believes in ghosts, so cool, man! Ghostly chick in this big house of his! Wa-hey, whoa, dude! Pass that joint, buddy. Oh, wait, wrong movie. I am still having fond memories of Bill And Ted... or is it Beavis And Butthead?

Ahem, sorry for the rambling, but what happens is this: Cass tries to drive Rand out, but fails. Cass pouts. Ooh, ooh! Rand believes in ghosts and thinks it's kinda cool. Come out Miss Ghosty! Let Randy show you his amazing wriggling gherkin! Cass pouts and stomps her foot and sulks some more.

Rand's mommy arrives, and yes, it's that dotty Estelle Getty kookarama kind of mommies we are talking about here. To make things short, Cass appears as a "woman" somewhere in the middle of the story, and she immediately undergoes a transformation from a shrieking, me-me-me Mini Miss Thing into a oh-woe-poor-me-I'm-so-sad-and-guilty boo-hoo-hoo "adult" walking melodrama. Neither one of the personalities of Cass is appealing, and the abrupt change of character is just that - abrupt. It is like a double personality ghost or something.

Rand is sweet, nice, and a very effective sleeping pill. His mother... spare me. The rest of the cast (especially that Robbie brat)... spare me double. As for Cass, I'm itching to call an exorcist.

You're The One is just too irritating and one-dimensional for me. Oh, and did I say that the cover is just fugly-ugly? The heroine looks like a fifteen-year old girl... wait a freaking minute. Hmm, there may be hidden merits in that awfully ugly collage after all.

Rating: 61


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