The Love Doctor And The Phantasm
by Elliot Mabeuse, historical (2008)
eXcessica, $3.99, ISBN N/A


In the winter of 1505, the feud between the Testarosas and the Castiglionis in the town of San Duranese where the mountains plunge into the sea grew so in hatred and vindictiveness that the families were no longer content to do violence to each other's bodies, but began to employ accursed magicks and the devil's own unholy arts to assault each other's spirits and immortal souls, not caring for the threat of damnation or the sins they accrued by so doing, so much did their spite outweigh their fear of retribution.

This is just one example of the many, many, many very long sentences that plague this naughty story by Elliot Mabeuse. I'd think this is an effort by a first time author if I am not aware of the fact that the self-styled Doctor of Erotica has been and will be published by Ellora's Cave and various other publishers, including Harlequin. I can only conclude that Dr Mabeuse here needs an editor that isn't afraid to remove the worst excesses of his overly and usually unnecessarily flowery writing.

Oh yes, the story. As per the excerpt I've included in this review, the two families are playing with spells and what-not in order to outdo the Montagues and the Capulets. Antonio Castigliono has a spell cast on young Lady Elena Testarosa to turn her into his lusty "Antonia (sic) Castigliono! I want your COCK! I want your big hard cock inside me, goddamn it! I want you fucking me! Fucking me deep and hard!" sex slave. This earns Antonio the enmity of his family as well, mind you, because the original plan was to thwart the politically advantageous marriage of Elena to some lucky bloke by making Elena the willing toy of Antonio's nephew Guido. The Testarosas will not stand idly as Antonio takes advantage of Elena, of course. They rope in the Love Doctor, one Griego Robinetti, who will literally roger her back to her senses. As for Griego, one look at Elena and he's a goner. How will this soap opera play out?

I could enjoy the author's sense of humor, but the ridiculous amount of long and convoluted sentences in this story makes it impossible for me not to read more than a few pages at a time without my eyes getting all crossed up. Who edited this thing? A friend of the author who is too nice to remove his authorial excesses? This story would have been excruciating to read were not for some truly hilarious scenes. Yes, this is one of those stories which I find more humorous than erotic. Anyway, I love this one - where the angry Guido rails at Antonio - the best. I think I'll steal "pig-licking bastard" for myself.

"You bastard, Uncle! You pig-licking bastard! I wanted to make the bitch crawl! I wanted to make her suck my fucking cock in the square on Sunday after mass! I wanted to come all over that rich-bitch face, the way she's always looking at me with that kiss-my-ass look!"

Seriously, without those hilarious scenes of levity, I would have probably passed out from the pain by page 80 of this story. There are way too many convoluted long sentences here. Dr Mabeuse really should consider not writing as if he has to squash as many sentences together as possible. It's not as if he has a train to catch or something... right?

Rating: 52


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