Wild And Wicked
by Lisa Jackson, historical (2002)
Signet, $6.99, ISBN 0-451-20362-3


Really clumsy and choppy prose, a ridiculous plot, an unrealistically dumb hero, and his equally dumb female counterpart all make Wild And Wicked a romance to get drunk and do stupid things before nursing a bad hangover to. Actually, come to think of it, drunken one night stands with someone I will never even want to touch with a bargepole when sober may be a more palatable experience than reading this book.

Lady Apryll is a victim. She wants to marry for love, as a result, her entire land and people are dying from a lack of money, leadership, and all. So our heroine runs up and down the place like a lunatic automaton while trying to heal everybody. Her brother has a nice plan: she will pretend to be a super femme fatale and seduce the powerful Lord Devlynn while bro steals away with Devlynn's jewels and stuff. Our heroine is aghast - mind you, duty is one thing, but LYING? HAVING SEX? Eeeeeuuuwww! Disgusting! But bro parades before her sick babies and ruined houses and our heroine relents. For the sake of the world, she will do it.

And so the threnody plays.

Lord Devlynn is equally a moron. He feels guilty over the death of his wife and daughter, so now he will just sleep and dump other women in his life as atonement. Or something. He has a son - just one son - and this is enough for him to live a happy life of porking and drinking. He sees Apryll and oh mama! Hot mama!

Apryll's brother does one better than the two morons here: he kidnaps Devlynn's son, leaves his sister to the wolves, and flees. Heh heh. You go, boy!

Devlynn grabs Apryll with him as he gives chase. Of course, he lusts after her too. And he hates her. Bitch. Hot sexy bitch. Whore. Hot sexy whore. Or something like that. Apryll, on the other hand, just wants to cling to Devlynn as she saves all the sick kiddies in the world.

And the writing, oh the writing! Every chapter seems to end with Devlynn ranting like a complete drunkard about what a lying bitch Apryll is. Oi, dumbass, after the four consecutive chapters where you rant about that, I get it. You're hot after a lying bitch. I. Get. It. The funny thing is that Devlynn is such an idiot. Every delay, every near misses of his are strictly due to his own ineptness, but he has to blame it all on Apryll. Bitch! Lying bitch! Zzzz.

And what's with all the Y's in the characters' names anyway?

Wild And Wicked is a ludicrous story about a foaming-at-the-mouth, dumb hero and his equally dumb vapid girlfriend bumbling their way through a story. These two wouldn't find their way out of a barrel even if they take a million years to figure it out. Which is why I have this powerful urge to throw up when the hero goes on and on about the heroine's "intelligent eyes" before foaming and calling her a bitch in the next few pages.

Somebody's been watching too many The Road Runner Show reruns, huh?

Rating: 36


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