The Blue Viking
by Sandra Hill, historical (2001)
Leisure, $5.99, ISBN 0-8439-4827-2


Sandra Hill doing funny can be magic at times. Sandra Hill doing cute, now that is another story. A horror story never seen since George W Bush decided to perform a stand up comedy marathon. (Apologies to the Republicans - I'm still pissed at Dubya's recent stance about global warming and air pollution.) I confess I prefer this author's non-Viking romances, but The Blue Viking takes the cake for its cast that ate the entire bakery of stupid pastries.

Rurik is the dumb beefcake in question. Once, he boinked Maire, Bimbo Hex Barbie of the Moors, only to dump her soon after. She accidentally causes a blue zig-zag mark to appear on his face. Years later, Rurik finds her trapped in a cage, and instead of rescuing her, he trades insults with her about how she smells bad (well, trapped in a cage for five days sort of does that to you, you know, Mr Fabbalo Viking). He would have cut her cage down, not knowing that directly under her is a pit full of snakes. Like, duh, this is definitely a cartoon, because I doubt any "battle-hardened" Viking could be such a complete and oblivious Fabbalo.

He frees her, and they, together with the four members of his Dumber-Than-Ya Viking Goofy Squad, then go on an Idiots Behaving Badly rampage across town. Maire, shrieking, flailing, and squealing - even when she's not being poked by our Fabbalo the Magnificent Slab of Meat - does not garner my sympathies though. She and Dumb Fabbalo deserve each other. Their kids would probably end up on SNL excreting dumb jokes out of their behinds.

The remaining Hick Squad team members aren't better. There are two perpetually horny twins whose brains seem to have been eaten up by their testicles. There's this senile serial killer, but since he's a Viking, he's just "mis-uhn-dah-stwood". There's also an ugly old bum who breaks into bad Viking poetry at the slightest inclination. All that's missing is a horny blind dog that keeps humping everyone's leg.

All these elements for a bad Farrelly Brothers-gone-Viking story is layered with a sickeningly sweet layer of cuteness icing. The prologue is enough to send me into a sugar shock as our poor 8-year old hero gets bullied by baddies - "Why do they hate me so? Could it be that some people enjoy meanness for its own sake? Mus' be... When I am a grown man, no one will be able to mock my looks... I intend to be so handsome all the maids will swoon." I keep waiting for him to break into a song. Maybe something about a Viking Oliver Twist with a chorus line that has the crowd go, "Please, Mistuh, he just wants some more - beat the heck out of the dumb wanker till he squeals no more!" And he's just eight, and already he has big plans to be Fabio. Nice to see a lil' boy with big, big aspirations.

Ms Hill, please, don't try Care Bear routines ever again. It's gross. I'm being kind.

The Blue Viking is an excruciating read. I want my $5.99 back. It is one thing to be stupid for the sake of being stupid, but this story is stupid without seeming to know it. Like LeAnn Rimes would screech, "Blue-ooo-OOOO-ooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-OOOO... I'm so blue." So am I. Black and blue from being inflicted by so much inane buffoonery.

Rating: 12


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